I need help

[PumpernickleInaWarehouse]

I just cannot cope anymore with my newborn baby and toddler and older dc also....
I have spent the day in a state of extreme anxiety and just want to run away.
Spent the whole day sobbing my heart out about how hard it is and how bad and guilty i feel.
I liked our life how it was and now its all fucked up and its all my fault.
Nighttime is approaching and i just cannot do it. I don't know what to do I have never been in such an overwhelmed state before.
Please can anyone help me

OP just wanted to say thinking of you. It's really hard without adding to it by thinking you've fucked up! You haven't.

For now you're firefighting. Just do whatever it takes to get some sleep. If that's you, baby and toddler in the same bed, no worries. If it's toddler watching TV on your phone in bed while you feed baby, no worries. Whatever works, do it, and don't worry about it love. Nothing is forever, one day those two babies will be at school and you'll barely remember much of this.

I had both mine in my bed often. Tiny DS one side, toddler DD on the other. It worked. It's only a phase, it'll pass, though it seems like you're in a non stop nightmare I bet.

Just plough on through and don't whatever you do make what is already really hard by blaming yourself.

Good luck love xx

My youngest two have 18 months between them and it was completely mental at the start.

Yes I ended up getting pnd and I went on anti-depressants at some stage but at the start... I think I just had the baby on the boob constantly.

Listen you WILL get through this and you and all the DC will be fine. Ring the doctor tomorrow and just keep going. It does get much much easier

Sweetheart I'm so sorry that you are feeling over whelmed. My 12 year old still comes in with me occasionally and I co slept with him. I ignore what everyone says if it works for us then so be it.

You have a lot going on at once. Please don't think you are a failure. You are doing what needs to be done. As they always say- as long as they are fed, kept warm and are safe then you are doing your job.

I know it seems relentless but it is early days. Stay strong and see your
GP tomorrow please x

I messed up too OP & now have a 3 & 5 year old that don't consistently go to bed easily/ sleep through or stay in their own rooms. It's hard, am sleep deprived & feel low but I just did what I had to do at various points to get sleep & couldn't lose any more sleep to sleep train. Thinking of you. It will get better as time goes on.

Thankyou everyone you don't realise how much I needed to hear this. My thoughts started to go dark earlier, that they deserved better than me etc.....

Dp has taken toddler to bed with him tonight and left me with just the baby.
The anxiety lifted a bit knowing I had just one to deal with...I decided to sleep downstairs so that if I am awake all night at least I can make the best of it, I have the tv and kitchen to make tea etc rather than sitting panic stricken in a dark bedroom...
When I am awake at 3am I feel like the loneliest person on the planet and that everyone else is tucked up in bed with their kids doing 7-7 in their own beds.
The nights are the worse but I think as a pp said I need to ease up on myself or I will make things worse for myself.
My dp has said to me positivity breeds positivity and that I need to remain positive and try to keep a good frame of mind.
He reminded me we have done it twice before and come out the other side and we shall do it this final time also....
I feel bad making toddler go to bed with him when she's used to me but she does sleep well with him so I feel better knowing when we wake up for a new day at least she has slept and feels ok.
Dp has arranged something nice for us to do tomorrow together, mil having older dc so we only taking baby.

OP. Breathe.

I have indeed felt like this, around 8 - 10 days after all three babies. Keep talking.

Never be afraid to ask for help, you are most certainly not a failure!!

It will get easier, you have done this before. Sending positive thoughts. Lack of sleep is sent to test us. You will get through it xx

As a pp said, you're firefighting right now. That's okay. Just do what you can to get through it. Soon you'll get through the initial haze of hormones and wtf of it all and will realise you've got this. It may be hard - it may feel fucking impossible at times - but YOU'VE GOT THIS.

Sounds like you're doing a pretty awesome job to me! Keep talking about how you feel and be honest with yourself but also kind. It's okay to feel the way you do but remember it's not forever. It wasn't with your first, it wasn't with your second, and it won't be now. Things will get better.

Please try not to beat yourself up. Motherhood is bloody hard work, especially in the first few weeks and months with a new baby. We all just do the best we can, and mostly muddle thru with gritted teeth but sleep deprivation is grim. I hope you have a fab day out, and remember that if you're awake in the wee small hours, lots of others are too so chat here or read some of the posts to cheer yourself up. You are not alone. You are a Mum. You are awesome! X

Op ... Just remember everything feels shitty at night... Especially when sitting alone with a grumpy baby... Good idea to sleep downstairs... In my worst moments I'd watch an episode of buffy whilst trying to settle baby and by the time I'd managed to save the world from evil (and lovely looking vampires)... Baby had finished feeding... Fallen asleep and I was ready too!! Hang in there!! You're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel!... Don't keep worries and angst to yourself!... Better out than in!! Have a good night!

Whoever those kids were doing 7-7, I don't know. Mine didn't get that email!

Neither slept reliably in their beds till they were around 3.

Things are tough enough as it is, please don't torture yourself thinking all other kids run like clockwork. It's a great comfort to know you're not alone and you definitely aren't. There will be 1000s of mums with babies in their beds tonight just like you, praying for some, any, sleep.

I can remember lying there with them both next to me, wide awake. And thinking well look on the bright side, Bumps, at least you're lying flat for a bit. That's gotta count for something tomorrow, no?

As Morrissey sang, I can smile about it now but at the time it was horrible

Hope baby lets you have some more sleep tonight.

I think distraction with the tv is a very good option for tonight. Everything feels worse at night and things just keep going around in your head. If you enjoy reading, do you have a kindle? I find it great for reading without waking/keeping awake DC. You can escape into another world for a bit.

hope you have a lovely day out tomorrow.

P.S. ditto to PP my kids don't appear to have got the 7-7 memo either!

Probably no consolation, but I've been lying awake for ages so finally gave up and decamped to the lounge. Feeling tired but finding it impossible to sleep. Hope you are ok, and sending you a hug x

Hi everyone so last night dp took the toddler to bed and she went straight off and they both slept almost 12 hours so thats fantastic.
I slept downstairs with newborn and shockingly she slept very well (for a newborn haha) so this morning I felt slightly better.
I considered phoning doctors but I remembered that the health visitor is coming to me tomorrow morning so I am going to tell her everything and see what she says.
I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, i got through day 8 yesterday and I will get through day 9 today.
The anxiety is still eating me alive just thinking of when he goes back to work and I have to have toddler and baby in same room....when the baby is going to wake toddler up all night long its going to be hell on earth for me....
I kept busy again today and I noticed a pattern that I am somewhat ok during the daytimes but once afternoon hits it starts to overtake me...the painful dread feeling in my stomach, feeling like someone is squeezing my throat...
I feel a massive amount of guilt for not sorting my toddler out before I got pregnant as now she has had so much disruption and will be so confused when the baby is in 'her' room with us.

Does anyone think she will get used to it eventually?
Will it all be ok?
The way I feel is like I want to leave them all. I love them but I can't cope with it all.

I promise im not enjoying anyone elses misery but it really does help tp hear other people who have had the same problem or have bedtime chaos and night wakings and co sleeping etc it makes me feel less alone, like im not the only mum on the planet who fucks this stuff up.

I think you'd be surprised how many people suffer as you are. My DCs are teenagers now but I can still remember how hard those early days. My DC2 was born when DC1 was two and its such hard work. And there seems to be a thing where you reach breaking point and are pushed to your absolute limit and then you get a brief 'break' (like you did last night). Its not much but its sometimes just enough to keep you going until the next one. When mine were babies and I was a awake most of the night there was no 24 hr tv or netflix. i would watch open university or ceefax and wonder if the night would ever end. Somehow I got through it though and most of us do. You will too. Your baby is very young and you have just given birth; you cant beat yourself up about not getting your toddler sorted at night. Its not a perfect world. My toddler slept in the bed with me until the new baby was about six months old. My DH slept in a different room for nearly a year! But it all came right in the end. And now they are teenagers and I am a 'normal' human being again.

One thing you might consider is pulling the 'big girl/boy now' card. Could you work it so that your toddler thinks its a special thing that they have their own bed now because they are big. Like special big. Maybe your DP could start this off by planting the seed in toddlers head. Just an idea.

Do talk to your GP because you may be suffering with PND and you can get help with that.

It absolutely will get better, & your toddler will learn to sleep by herself. I had 15 months between DS1 & 2, literally nothing could have prepared us for how different they would be. DS1 was a champion sleeper, by comparison to DS2 very easy going, did what he 'was supposed to' by & large. DS2?! Hideous reflux, constant screaming, tongue tie, CMPA, constipation, cat napped, would only (& I do mean only) sleep if cuddled up next to me. I felt very much like you do now & had some really, really dark moments & remember feeling broken by it.
I didn't co sleep with DS1 & would always insist on him going back to bed / sleep in his own bed. Following the arrival of DS2, that went out the window & if needs be we all ended up in bed together (DH works nights). DS2 slept in our room until he was well passed 2 & more often than not ended up in bed with me. We moved him in with DS1 who thankfully can sleep through most things & he'd still wake up, sometimes he'd be happy with a cuddle in his bed & at others he'd end up back in with me. Eventually at 3.5 yrs he started to sleep through, no sleep training, just started to do it & gradually the nights he'd wake became less.
We still have nights even now at 4 when he wakes because of a bad dream, finger hurts, poorly etc. & sometimes it's both of them & they're happy to go back to sleep in their own beds, each other's or we all end up in mine. Whichever, it's fine.

You are not fucking this up, you are doing what you need to do to survive. It's hard, relentless & feels never ending now. You're still recovering physically & mentally from a difficult pregnancy never mind having given birth only 9 days ago. Be kind to yourself, whatever gets you all the most sleep with the least stress (& is safe) is completely fine & will not break your children or mean you have failed in any way. You need to look after you in order to be able to look after them.

Big hugs OP.

OP you're being incredibly hard on yourself and PP's are right about the firefighting, you are literally just trying to get through each day/night at this stage. Best tip I can give you is to stop worrying about 'should', let go of the idea that your days/nights 'should' be a certain way and just do whatever it takes to get by. Tbh even if you had sorted your toddler's sleep before baby arrived it may very well all have gone to pot anyway, everything tends to get turned upside down when a new baby arrives.

Honestly though please stop putting so much pressure on yourself, if you can manage to get yourself into a 'take it as it comes' mindset you may well find that feeling of dread will lift. Hope you get through tonight ok, and don't be lonely if you're up in the wee small hours, there's always someone on here to chat to whatever time it is

I honestly cannot thank you all enough.
Strangers on the internet we may be but you are getting me through the worst time in my life so far (or thats how it feels anyway)
I actually considered today that had I sorted out a rock solid routine originally it may well have gone to shit anyway as it seems to have for others....
Life isn't perfect and I haven't committed the crime of the century either.
I need to just keep telling myself this.
Will speak to hv tomorrow and probably book doctors anyway.

I've always had a massive guilt complex since childhood anyway, where everything is always my fault, and now it has gone into overdrive!
I feel better after you all taking the time to help me.
Thank you from bottom of my heart.

Here

This is a good read, made me smile a bit during the 'newborn nights'.

Honestly, though, you could be me nine months ago. I felt just like this and the nights alone were the worst.

inter I will have a read thanks!
Glad you are feeling better, is there anything you done that helped you get through?

Definitely speak to HV and GP, the more support you have in place the better. And no, you haven't committed any crime at all, you're doing your best at a naturally difficult time. You'll still be recovering from giving birth, all of you are still adjusting to baby's arrival and you're looking after a newborn and a toddler on very little sleep, I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

I only have one DD but I remember when she was tiny I'd get up every day with this plan in my mind of how the day would go. After a few weeks I was feeling really frustrated and disheartened because every day I would feel like I had failed because nothing had gone to plan. And then I had a lightbulb moment, stop having a plan! So I did, I stopped having any expectations about what would happen when and just took it as it came. No more stress and frustration waiting for DD to settle for a nap at the time I expected, no more pressure for things to happen he way I thought they 'should', I can't tell you what a relief it was

The only goals you need for now are getting everyone through the days fed, intact and reasonably clean, anything else is a bonus

Well, I'm in a different situation, my next oldest is much older - almost 15. But what saved me was H and I doing 'one night on, one night off'. I can't bf due to previous illness/surgery situation, though. But getting a peaceful night is vital to your mental health, and never feel bad for doing a formula feed or expressed feed.

Hello, just wanted to let you know I am in the exact same situation but with baby twins. My 2 year old found it confusing at first but now happily hops into bed at 3am while I am feeding the twins. I also felt v guilty and shameful that I hadn't sleep trained her before the babies arrived but we are where we are, I am much more relaxed 11 weeks down the line. Your little girl will take time to adjust but you are doing an amazing job and sound like a fantastic mum who clearly loves her kids very much. Remember hormones and tiredness are clouding your feelings too x