Facebook friends, appropriate or not?

[ImMissHannigan]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible without drip feeding.
Been with OH for 3 years and have DD aged 1. Both have other children. I maintain a friendly enough relationship with the ex. Talk about only the children, no connection on social media etc. OH has one DS8 with ex who also has 2 older children (not related). My ex is pleasant enough t my OH, hello or smile etc but nothing else. His Ex is rude and has never spoken a word to me, despite asking us to look after one of her other children overnight when she couldn't get a sitter (literally happy to leave him and we had only been together about 8 months and had never actually seen each other never mind met). And despite me being in her DS life at least 50% of the time. oH says he can't stand his ex and they only have contact over DS. He has never been on social media with her and any pictures of DS are shared on WhatsApp.
So that's the backstory. The other day I was messaged from DSis in law. She was laughing at something his ex had posted so I had a look, when I clicked on it said 2 mutual friends and one was OH. Turns out he had friended her over a year ogo. I know it seems silly but it feels like such a betrayal. She is a very prolific poster of bedroom selfies etc. So she has been able to see every interaction we have had. Every picture of my daughter etc. we got engaged back in may and he asked to hold off from putting the news on social media until he had told people face to face. We had told al his family but he still wanted to hold off, I now think so he could tell his ex. He also decided he wanted a tattoo and messaged me with some ideas on 6th April. She posted on 6th April her new tattoo. So he is definitely interacting (although he claims this is a coincidence and he was already thinking about getting one and had just not
Mentioned it). He says they are only friends on Facebook to share photos of their son (which there aren't many as it's all bedroom selfies) and previously this has been done over WhatsApp so I don't understand why he would need to be on her Facebook. And if he did why he has hidden it from me both by not mentioning it and hiding when he has been tagged (granted there are only 2 or 3 tags). He says that it isn't lying when he just hasn't mentioned it, I say lying my omission is still lying. So I am prepared to be flamed for feeling so petty over social media, but really I feel so betrayed that our lives and relationship have been playing out in front of her and I didn't know.

I wouldn't like it

Tell him clearly let your relationship isn't a spectator sport to be played for her amusement.
He needs to unfriend her as this isn't about dc that I can see. .

Lying by omission is still lying. If he wanted to be fb friends then that wouldn't bother me. The lying would. Sorry op

I think he should have told you, agree hiding something is never ok.
He can be friends with her on fb if he wishes though, think betrayal is a bit much.

My vote would be for inappropriate...he allows her to disrespect you by ignoring and being rude (presumably in your own home?) but then has at the very least an online friendship with her but keeps it a secret? That would seem incredibly disloyal to me. I wouldn't have a problem if it was open as I would have the option to adjust settings, block or whatever to keep my privacy from someone who clearly doesn't like me. But if you don't know then that option has been taken away, and by the person you should trust the most. And pleading ignorance isn't an option either if he has actively hidden things from showing on your timeline then he is more than aware
What's that saying, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing!

Not rude in my own home, but she comes to the door (with her arse hanging out for everyone to see!) and ignores me and my children. When we did a birthday party for DS a few weeks ago, she did nothing. I was organising cakes and party bags and al the other stuff. She spent the whole of the previous day saying she wasn't turning up and abusing my OH over text (all because she wanted us to have DS an extra night so she could go out and we already had plans - we had to cancel so she got her own way) and then turned up with extra uninvited guests (it was a laser party so limited to 14). She wakes straight past me, sidled up to my OH and was all over him like a rash. I decided to keep the higher ground and ignored it. Had I known they had a secret connection between them I maybe wouldn't have been so blasé about her obvious flirting and territorial pissing! It makes me look at every interaction in a different way now. She has been sending pictures of her lunch. There are no other texts to give a context of the comment she put (he deletes a lot, which I find suspicious anyway) so either he has deleted previous and following messages or they have had a conversation about her diet and he has hidden that. He claims he hates her but then acts like they are friends. So I don't think betrayal is too strong. He says one thing then acts in another way and has a secret relationship (albeit online) with his ex.

So what are you going to do about it?

Him saying it's my not lying..... are not the words of a loving man who is sad he's upset the mother of his child.

Are you sure you're not reading too much into this? My cousin is 'friends' with his ex-wife on Facebook, but the idea of there being anything between them is laughable. As for the tattoo thing, who decides to get a tattoo because their ex does (or indeed because anyone else does)? If that really is the case, that would be a much bigger problem for me.

I wonder how much of this is down to you not liking her. Your comments about her arse hanging out and her bedroom selfies make it sound like you have a pretty low opinion of her.

Maybe he's realised that hating the mother of his 8yr old child, isn't going to do anyone any good - least of all his child?

Perhaps this is his way of trying to maintain civil, adult contact?

He should have told you, but to be honest you do sound a bit jealous of her, so possibly likely you might hit the roof?

I only think you sound jealous btw, because you've mentioned her selfies a couple of times.

Why do her photos matter?

Hmm I have a bit of a different perspective here. I'm wondering if he hasn't mentioned it to you because you have a problem with her? Are you quite a jealous person? Your comments about her bedroom selfies, coming to your door with her arse hanging out, the very fact that you and your friend think it's appropriate to bitch about what she posts on social media, suggest you're not entirely rational when it comes to this woman. Maybe he tells you he hates her because he feels he has to? Not saying that makes the lying ok, but I don't feel you can dictate that your partner can't have a friendship with the mother of his dc

Tbh this whole thing sounds like such a tangled web I'd have run screaming from the start. But you can't police his social media. They have a child and thus need to be cordial.
Lying is lying - however it's dressed up but you seem rather jealous of her / their relationship.

X post cough

I mention the selfies because that is what he will see on his newsfeed. She has a regular "sexy Tuesday selfie" which I don't think
Is appropriate for him to see. If I was fb friends with my ex and once a week, for the delight of his followers he had a semi naked selfie, I would delete him. It's not appropriate to be looking at half naked pictures of your ex. And I mention the arse hanging out as she wears short shorts and rolls them up so they are like knickers. Then stands at my front door talking in a flirty manner. As I say I ignored it thinking I had the higher ground. But that seems silly now as she knows they are on Facebook together. If they need an adult and cordial relationship it can be maintained through text and WhatsApp, as it was up until a year ago. When he secretly friended her. And then hid it for 12 months.
I don't like her very much but he is free to decide, he has said from the beginning he hates her. I didn't make him say that. And as for bitching with my friend, it was my OHs sister who asked me to look at her posts. I wasn't interested until I was asked to look and then curiosity got the better of me. They have been connected on Fb for a year and I didn't know, so that should give a clue as to how interested I am in her that I haven't looked at her profile or bitched about her in at least 12 months.
And the tattoo, he already has one and randomly decided he wanted a cover up. On the same day that she posted pics of her arse new tattoo. I think he was inspired by her at the least, but possibly discussing it with her previously.

Do you think there is something going on or is it that you just don't like her?
Not rude in my own home, but she comes to the door (with her arse hanging out for everyone to see!) and ignores me and my children.
On the fence about rude, what she wears is nothing to do with you, if you two don't get on ( doesn't sound like it) then not speaking is probably the best thing.
She doesnt have to speak to your kids, she has to have a relationship with your dp.
It would be nice if you got on, but it sounds like you don't like her either.
Maybe your dp has realised that it's ridiculous to spend his time arguing with his ex over text and to actually get on for the sake of his child?
If you two get on then i can see why he would delete it.
Do you have any other suspicions that there would be anything going on?

His mum told me a couple of weeks ago that the first picture of our daughter was sent from the labour room to Exs phone. So she was the first to see our baby before other more important people. Like my parents or siblings. He says it was because she had a camera phone and his mum didn't (they were at DSs birthday party, I had gone into labour so we couldn't be there last year). I say his mum could have waited rather than her having images on her phone of our newborn. His mum also told me that OH had given Ex £1000 last year for her eldest son to go on a skiing trip, when I was shocked and knew nothing about it she backtracked saying she meant his maintenance had paid it. He outright denied it. But the seed of doubt is there. When you put all of this together and with the lying by omission, I am bound to be paranoid about her.

Kali I get that it's better to get on with ex. I get on with mine for the most part, but we don't need to be connected on social media for that to happen. That is taking things too far.

Wow he sounds like a compulsive liar.
I couldn't live with someone like that.

Is the child his?

Why cant he be friends with her on sm? I dont get it,? He can be friends with who he wants, same as you.
He should have told you, however i can poss understand why he didnt.

The child who went on holiday isn't his no.

That part i would be pissed at.
The lying is wrong.
This is what i would be angry, not who he is friends with on sm.
If he can't be honest about where your money is going you have a problem.
Are you 100% sure his mom was right though?

Because by being friends on sm it allows her to see our lives at a level I'm not comfortable with. Or at least I should be aware she can see every picture or event we are going to or any other aspect I don't want her to know about. I don't have random people having access to my FB so by her being his friend she can see all our joint stuff, tags etc. I should have been made aware. Additionally I don't really want my OH looking at slutty near naked pictures of his ex. I'm pretty sure most women would feel this way. They don't need to be on SM to maintain civility. The child is 8, he isn't bothered if his Mum and Dad are Facebook friends or not. I am though!

His mum is telling you lots of things that have the potential to upset you..

Not sure Kali, his mum has a touch of the Pinocchio about her to say the least so in all likelihood she could have just been stirring the pot. Either way the seed of doubt is there for me. And yes, it's the lying and not appreciating he has done wrong by not telling me they were friends on FB that is the worst part. Then the half naked selfie thing

Going his mum is poisonous and causes daily trouble, this type of thing is mild. But that's another thread I probably won't start. MILs are a protected species on Mumsnet.