Facebook friends, appropriate or not?

[ImMissHannigan]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible without drip feeding.
Been with OH for 3 years and have DD aged 1. Both have other children. I maintain a friendly enough relationship with the ex. Talk about only the children, no connection on social media etc. OH has one DS8 with ex who also has 2 older children (not related). My ex is pleasant enough t my OH, hello or smile etc but nothing else. His Ex is rude and has never spoken a word to me, despite asking us to look after one of her other children overnight when she couldn't get a sitter (literally happy to leave him and we had only been together about 8 months and had never actually seen each other never mind met). And despite me being in her DS life at least 50% of the time. oH says he can't stand his ex and they only have contact over DS. He has never been on social media with her and any pictures of DS are shared on WhatsApp.
So that's the backstory. The other day I was messaged from DSis in law. She was laughing at something his ex had posted so I had a look, when I clicked on it said 2 mutual friends and one was OH. Turns out he had friended her over a year ogo. I know it seems silly but it feels like such a betrayal. She is a very prolific poster of bedroom selfies etc. So she has been able to see every interaction we have had. Every picture of my daughter etc. we got engaged back in may and he asked to hold off from putting the news on social media until he had told people face to face. We had told al his family but he still wanted to hold off, I now think so he could tell his ex. He also decided he wanted a tattoo and messaged me with some ideas on 6th April. She posted on 6th April her new tattoo. So he is definitely interacting (although he claims this is a coincidence and he was already thinking about getting one and had just not
Mentioned it). He says they are only friends on Facebook to share photos of their son (which there aren't many as it's all bedroom selfies) and previously this has been done over WhatsApp so I don't understand why he would need to be on her Facebook. And if he did why he has hidden it from me both by not mentioning it and hiding when he has been tagged (granted there are only 2 or 3 tags). He says that it isn't lying when he just hasn't mentioned it, I say lying my omission is still lying. So I am prepared to be flamed for feeling so petty over social media, but really I feel so betrayed that our lives and relationship have been playing out in front of her and I didn't know.

Then she may not be telling the truth about this money?
I couldn't give a toss what my dh follows as i wouldn't expect him to have an opinion on who i follow.

You can change your privacy settings so she can't see what you have on your profile.
Only let your friends see your photos, posts, friends, likes or even block her so she can't see anything that you post.
Just because she's your dhs friend doesn't mean she can see your stuff!
When i had fb it was completely closed, you could only see my profile pic unless you were my friend.

It makes sense tgat he sent ex a photo of your baby. For his son, i presume.

Sounds like mil is a liar.

Tbh there seems to be even more st play than you are saying.

You dont like the ex put were looking at her page because sil was laughing at something on there. That strikes me as odd. Firstly that sil would whats app you something abiut the ex facebook then you go a look at her page, despite disliking her and not being happy that your dp would.

You have sat and compared dates of what she has done compared to stuff your dp has done. Otherwise how the hell would you remember she posted a photo on April 6th and what it was of?

I actually think the whole lying by ommission thing in this instance is a bit daft. I dont point out everytime a friend adds me on facbook. Also you clearly spend a lot of time in her page yourself.

There are issues in this realtionship. I think if your sorted those, the fb thing would not feel likr a big deal.

Honestly it sounds like you have wider problems in your relationship. It sounds like he lies a lot and you don't trust him. Do don't sound like you like women very much though. Your comments about what another woman wears and posts on her Facebook smack of slut shaming and are really unpleasant

He told u he didn't have her. He has her. Id be fuming

He told u he didn't have her. He has her. Id be fuming

Let's get this right, I love women. I have a large circle of wonderful female friends. However I dislike this particular woman. She has and continues to treat my partner like shit. Uses her son as a weapon and disrupts our lives daily. Example, if she wants to go out she simply won't be home when it's time to have her son back. Or she will say she is leaving him in the care of her older children (10 & 15) who have form for leaving him home and bullying him. She knows that my OH is a good dad and will not let that happen so keeps hold of him. Bingo she gets her own way. This is just one example. Yes MIL is a huge issue, she tells many many lies (not just about me, about his ex too) and regularly gets a thrill from stirring the pot. She has planted seeds of doubt in my mind that would not be there otherwise. She seems to enjoy this type of behaviour. Luckily OH can, for the most part, see through her behaviour. Although getting him to tackle it when he is of the school of ignorance is bliss, is a whole other issue.
And as for looking at the page, I've already said I hadn't noticed for over a year that they were friends. This means a concerted effort from one or both of them to hide it from me (everything he likes and comments on has come up in my newsfeed, her tags of him haven't). And yes curiosity got the better of me. We are all human and I wanted to know what he has been seeing from her. And yes I judge. Anyone who takes pictures with their children in bed whilst obviously using it as an excuse to get their tits out, needs help IMO. And as for the tattoo, it was very random when he said it. It was only after seeing her arse all out new tattoo on her feed that I realised that it won't have been a coincidence, so I checked the dates. I think he is lying to me, so I played detective. On any other thread women are advised to gather evidence of anything going on. In this case I shouldn't try and find anything out, even though he has lied and is behaving suspiciously? Some consistency please ladies of Mumsnet!

Maybe your reaction to finding out he's connected to her on FB has coloured his decision not to mention it to you.

Do you actually suspect somerhing is going on between them though or is it just that you hate her?
Anyone who takes pictures with their children in bed whilst obviously using it as an excuse to get their tits out, needs help IMO.

So the second you become a mom it means you can't have any sexy pics on sm or you have problems?
I guess many celebtities must be doing something wrong

Op you aren't doing anything wrong, You are scoping out what's going on there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and anyone in their right mind if they became suspicious would try to find out as much as possible.

If I were you I would get away from the lot of them, He's a liar his mums a liar and the ex sounds like a nightmare.
Think about it, You put up with these people for what? Because of your partner, who lies to you what's the point. You are better off out of it.
Leave and gain your sanity back.

Sounds like he is more invested in his ex and all that goes with her than he is his current life - including you op. .
Personally I would leave them to it. .

Kali, the pictures should be separate surely. Pictures of her in bed with tits on display and her son next to her are wrong IMO. And I am entitled to that opinion. I can't recall any celebrities that have sexy selfies WITH their children!

Don't shoot me but I often think when exes hate each other it's because of unresolved feelings for one another.

There is a fine line between love and hate.

Interesting willyoujist. I stopped hating my ex roundabout the the same time I stopped loving him.

Yes, agree that that is not always the case, sometimes you have a very good reason to hate the person.

I think he sounds completely fake, He tries to pretend he hates her to throw you off of the fact there are feelings there. Afterall why would you be secretly friends with your ex on Facebook if you hated them? Bizarre

I don't see it as a big deal that they're Facebook friends, to be honest, regardless of the photos she posts. I also don't think he was exactly hiding it, given that his and her accounts would clearly, publically show that they are now friends. I'm not even convinced it's lying by omission; I wouldn't expect my partner to make a point of disclosing to me that they are now Facebook friends with their ex.

If you're worried about privacy, ask him not to post or tag photos of you and ensure you have adequate privacy settings.

The April 6 coincidence does sound rather too coincidental to me though. Doesn't necessarily mean he was interacting with her, he could have seen that she had posted hers and thought 'hmm, maybe I'll get a tattoo. I don't think that is, in itself, poor behaviour on his part and maybe he didn't tell you what inspired him because he was worried how you would react, given the ex is clearly a sensitive subject. Or maybe he has been messaging her and here is more to it, it's hard to know and I wouldn't like to guess.

If you think MIL is stirring, I'd ignore that stuff.