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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not want OH stepmother at our wedding

38 replies

headinthecloud · 31/07/2017 12:58

About a year ago my BIL left his wife for someone else. They have 2 DC 15 and 19 years old who devastated as they were at first have now met the new partner and have accepted the situation. Ex wife is still struggling with the split and I think the divorce has been a bit messy.

We're getting married in a months time and OH stepmother text me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she won't be coming to the wedding as she feels she needs to support BIL ex wife and coming to our wedding where BIL will be with the new partner and his DC wouldn't be right.

I was really angry and think surely this is about us and our future not about BILs ended marriage. It felt like a bit of a snub. Anyway, I didn't reply to her message as I just had nothing nice to say. Have spoken to FIL about the children (ours) and general chit-chat just not had any direct communication with her since.

FIL has sent OH a message today saying he thinks he might be able to 'convince' her to come.

I don't actually want her there after her stance on the matter. She'll be frosty faced no doubt if he has to convince her rather than it being because she wanted to (clearly she doesn't want to)

It's a really small wedding with less than 20 people so it would be hard to just avoid her on the day if she did come.

AIBU to tell OH that i just don't want her there or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2017 13:01

Let your partner sort out his own family and take nothing to do with it OP.

Smellyrose · 31/07/2017 13:01

With that 'convince me' message it sounds like she's enjoying the drama.

Your OH should tell her she can decide for herself, or, if you both don't want her there 'sorry, you said you are 't coming so we've finalised numbers'.

witchofzog · 31/07/2017 13:02

I think of you say you dont want her there you are going to cause more problems than if you just agree. She probably thought she was being kind and supportive and didnt realise how you felt about it

pasturesgreen · 31/07/2017 13:03

This is for your OH to sort out.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 31/07/2017 13:06

I'd just avoid more family drama. Let your oh sort it - it's his step mother.

fairislecable · 31/07/2017 13:06

Was the ex-wife invited?

I presume you have known your sister-in-law for many years. It does seem strange that the new person is coming but not your SIL.

Original poster
headinthecloud · 31/07/2017 13:07

I definitely think she's enjoying the drama. One of my concerns I guess is with it being such a small wedding is her being nasty with the new girlfriend and causing an atmosphere.

Thanks for your replies I definitely leave it with OH but I just deep down would rather her not come.

OP posts:
Original poster
headinthecloud · 31/07/2017 13:09

No the ex wife wasn't invited. I've not met her before as they live abroad. BIL and his new partner came for a holiday here in May so I have met her.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 31/07/2017 13:11

Yanbu to feel the way you do. I'd be annoyed too. However you are marrying into this family and need to think long term really. Say nothing to anyone in the family and moan about it to a good friend instead. Your stepmother is trying to be kind even if it is a bit misguided. Imagine how your bil's ex will be feeling as this is what she is trying to address. I know you deserve a wedding day away from the drama but try to count your blessings and have a great wedding day.

Original poster
headinthecloud · 31/07/2017 13:13

Wise words thank you

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 31/07/2017 13:14

It's only been a year since BIL cheated on his wife. I can see mil point about feeling an alliance to his ex wife.

mrscropley · 31/07/2017 13:14

Her first thought wasn't to share in your special day and keep her personal opinions to herself. Uninvite is acceptable. .
Why risk a glass or two making her loose tongued and spilling her true feelings?

PurpleMinionMummy · 31/07/2017 13:29

I don't think yabu to worry she might create an atmosphere. Its probably best to stay out of it and let your partner sort it though.

I also always find these situations a bit odd. You and dp had nothing to do with what went on with bil and his wife/new partner and I always think people refusing to come to family events just 'takes it out' on the uninvolved people.

Piffle11 · 31/07/2017 13:30

Obviously I don't know what sort of person OH stepmother is, and whether or not she loves being dramatic ... but I can see her point. My Dsis was with her then DH for 12 years: he was having an affair for 6 months and the marriage ended. About 9 months after the split there's photos all over Facebook of exDH and this woman, all friendly and wonderful with his parents and siblings. Dsis was very upset that she was so easily replaced. You say you won't be able to avoid MIL at your wedding, so she will not be able to avoid the mistress. When Geri Horner (Halliwell)got married her new PILs stayed away due to solidarity with the groom's ex partner. If FIL thinks he can talk her round then perhaps she realises that she spoke in haste. I'd suggest asking your OH what he would like to happen and move forward with that in mind.

Hissy · 31/07/2017 13:39

TBH, as much as you are happy with the new family unit BIL has, he has treated his family appallingly badly and I think your OH Stepmum has a great deal of integrity in wanting to show some kind of solidarity with the ex wife

It's only been a year and this is probably the first 'event' she will have been excluded from due to the fact that your BIL is a cheating scumbag.

If I were you, I would send a message to the OH stepmum and say that you completely understand and that it's a difficult situation for you as you only know BIL and his new DP, and kind of have to take this as the status quo, regardless of what he has and hasn't done. Express your sympathies for the ex wife and as much as you would love OH step mum to attend, her decision to show solidarity with a 'wronged ex' is admirable and a decision you won't hold against her.

I think, if the shoe were on the other foot OP, you'd hope your probably 20-year marriage would not be forgotten so quickly by the extended family as BIL seems to have done.

HeddaGarbled · 31/07/2017 13:45

Actually, I have a little admiration for her. It's a bit like cutting the betrayed wife's head out of a family photo and sticking the OW's head in her place isn't it? Common and understandable but still leaves a bit of a nasty taste. I can see where she's coming from. It's probably because she isn't a blood relation that she isn't just going along with the family whitewash.

I think you should just chill. You may find she becomes a valuable ally in the future.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 31/07/2017 13:49

Op has never even met the ex wife though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 13:59

^^
What Hissy said. I don't go along with the drama queen theory.

TSSDNCOP · 31/07/2017 14:06

I think it shows integrity on her part to take the side of your BIL's ex wife. In less than a year she's been dumped and her husband and children are attending a wedding with his OW. I'd be thinking it'd be nice to have someone like that have my back if OH was a twat in the future.

SwimmingInLemonade · 31/07/2017 14:13

Whatever the rights and wrongs of BIL's behaviour, MIL refusing to attend the OP's wedding is a snub to her and her DH-to-be. I'd avoid rising to the challenge of "convincing her" and just say "Ok, if it would make you uncomfortable thats fair enough." Don't feed the drama by making a big thing of it. As it's a small wedding and BIL's new GF would be there, it seems likely that MIL would create a frosty atmosphere. Even if BIL deserves it, OP and her DH don't.

FelicityFucknickle · 31/07/2017 14:17

What Hissy said.

Hissy · 31/07/2017 14:20

Indeed Honey, and this is why it wasn't unreasonable to invite the BIL in the first place, but it's important to understand and empathise with the OH StepDM and her position.

Of course, it's unfair that the 2 people who have nothing to do with any of this, OP and her DH, are providing the potential backdrop to a family drama. They can't win. Don't invite the BIL and they're in the wrong - even though his respect for marriage is clearly lacking... Or invite BIL and the OW... and be party to the exw feeling utterly abandoned by the family.

Yes, it absolutely could be a case of OH StepDM being a drama queen and pandering where no pander (or panda Grin) is required

TheAntiBoop · 31/07/2017 14:25

Op hasn't met the ex wife but her fiancé will have done

I personally think I would be more driven by the kids if they were coming but this is actually your fiances mess to sort out.

Weddings always highlight the unhappy parts of the family and sometimes it's best to accept that means some people won't come.

Groupie123 · 31/07/2017 14:33

So your DH chose his brother over his neices/nephews/parents? If that's the case fair enough. Right decision or not it's your DH's choice to decide which of his family to invite. If he, and only he, wants to reinvite stepmum then he should be able to. Not sure why you're sticking your oar in here - it's not going to do you any favours with the family later down the line.

Original poster
headinthecloud · 31/07/2017 14:38

His dad brother niece and nephew are all coming it's just the stepmother who wasn't going to but his dad wants to talk her into it. Neither me or OH want her there.
I'm sticking my oar in because as much as it might be his family (by marriage to his father in any case) it's also my wedding day and I'm loathed to think of her being talked into coming but causing friction.

OP posts:
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