AIBU to not want OH stepmother at our wedding

[headinthecloud]

About a year ago my BIL left his wife for someone else. They have 2 DC 15 and 19 years old who devastated as they were at first have now met the new partner and have accepted the situation. Ex wife is still struggling with the split and I think the divorce has been a bit messy.

We're getting married in a months time and OH stepmother text me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she won't be coming to the wedding as she feels she needs to support BIL ex wife and coming to our wedding where BIL will be with the new partner and his DC wouldn't be right.

I was really angry and think surely this is about us and our future not about BILs ended marriage. It felt like a bit of a snub. Anyway, I didn't reply to her message as I just had nothing nice to say. Have spoken to FIL about the children (ours) and general chit-chat just not had any direct communication with her since.

FIL has sent OH a message today saying he thinks he might be able to 'convince' her to come.

I don't actually want her there after her stance on the matter. She'll be frosty faced no doubt if he has to convince her rather than it being because she wanted to (clearly she doesn't want to)

It's a really small wedding with less than 20 people so it would be hard to just avoid her on the day if she did come.

AIBU to tell OH that i just don't want her there or am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be?

Be diplomatic and tell FIL that you only want the best for Step MIL and want her to be comfortable so she had better not come, for her own peace of mind. Suggest a nice lunch out to celebrate some time in the future.

I'd be tempted to drop a line to MIL saying that "it's a shame you won't be there, but we understand your decision".

Then crack on with the planning. You don't really want MIL there & there's a risk she will turn up sour faced & spoil everything. There will only be 20 or so people there - so make every one of them happy & joyful to be invited to such a special day.
Put up a united front with your future DH though - don't let her get in the way of your marriage.

IMO the easy way to get around this, is to actually contact OHSM and say you respect her decision and to please not to worry about not attending your wedding, you completely understand why she can't come.

I'd say you no longer have room for her, as its a small wedding and she'd declined the invite, you invited a friend instead....

Let's hope should BIL's ex wife's fate ever befall you, you will have some sort of support and not be seen to be engaging in dramatics.

I find her quite a hypocrite anyway. She left her husband for my FIL.
I've never met the ex wife and OH hasn't seen her in more than 10 years.
Finalising the numbers already is probably the easiest suggestion.
Thanks for the responses it's good to get a different perspective on it.

It sounds like your step MIL is the only decent member of the family. Hopefully, you won't be relying on her support in years to come...

In the circumstances I'd have invited just your BIL and his teenage kids rather than his new partner as well. Sounds awkward for them at such an intimate family Wedding.

Step MIL has appointed herself judge and jury in the case of your BIL and his marriage.

I wonder how many family events she'll miss due to her sentencing.

I wouldn't want anyone at my wedding who had to be convinced to come.

If your husband's brother has been with his new partner for a year then it seems odd to me for your step MIL to be to favour your BIL's exwife over both of her stepsons.
I would keep out of it and leave it to your fiance but I wouldn't be rushing to convince her to do anything. She's an adult she can make her own decisions.

Is this a joke? You are more concerned about your "perfect day" than this poor woman getting some support when her whole ex-family will be playing happy families at your wedding? Put yourself in the ex-wife's shoes - 5 years down the line if your soon-to-be husband shacked up with somebody else, wouldn't you like it if somebody in the family showed some solidarity to you at the next family wedding? I think you're being disgusting.

If my son marries and for some reason splits up with his wife, regardless of whose fault it is it would not stop me going to my daughter's wedding. Some of you have strange priorities. People don't split up if their marriage is happy and fulfilling. Divorces are never just one person's fault. Even if I thought my son had behaved badly why should that stop me upporting my daughter who had nothing to do with my son's divorce.
Expartners are rarely invited to weddings and why would they want to go when their ex has a new partner?
Divorce is common, if my husband wants to go and live with someone else I wouldn't want to shackle him to me and I wouldn't want to go to his sister's wedding if he has had a new partner for a year. I would hope to have sorted out my life and dignity a bit more so he and his family are no longer that important to me.