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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my toddler?

36 replies

Schvitzing · 31/07/2017 10:24

I mean I love her of course but I hate being a SAHM.

The endless whining, the chasing her everywhere, the food throwing, the utter lack of personal space, the grabbing, hair pulling etc. I just feel so demoralised and as if I'm not even a person anymore. Days can go by and I won't have had an adult conversation with anybody apart from the couple of hours with DH which are usually centred on dinner and tv and bed as we're both so tired. Is this normal?

Financially I can't go back to what I did before as the company folded while I was on ML and I just have no time/money to train or even sit and fill in a flipping form to try something else. Plus I am so demoralised I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm so envious of friends who are teachers, lawyers, marketing execs etc as they had to go back to work but I just feel so stuck and resentful.

DD is with a childminder one day a week as thats all we can afford but that day is spent cleaning/tidying/batch cooking/folding bloody washing as the house is such a mess all the time. I just resent it all and feel like running away. Is it just me?

OP posts:

eatabagofdicks · 31/07/2017 10:43

Toddler and baby years are tough. They are very demanding, messy, blood tiring little people. I always envied people who seemed to enjoy spending all their time playing with their toddler. I found myself bored shitless a lot of the time and desperate for adult company.

So no, you are not alone. What kind of work were you doing before?

Dashper · 31/07/2017 10:44

Get back to work however you can. Do it. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that.
I felt like you in December. DH and I had agreed that I'd go back once DS turned 5. It was killing me mentally. I found a PT job in February and I'm so much happier and more "me".

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/07/2017 10:47

Go back to work I think. It is wearing. Be careful though as I posted a similar post about finding the summer holidays wearing and it ended up on facebook with randoms calling me a moaning Minnie and suggesting I shouldn't have had children.
It IS wearing. It's not Mary Poppins and It IS ok to need that bit of time for you. Hugs

pictish · 31/07/2017 10:51

No it's not just you. Not everyone is cut out to be a sahm. Some get fulfillment from it, others find it mindnumbing...and everything else in between.

In the short term my advice is to get out with your dd as many days as possible...go for a walk, go swimming, take her to gym tots whatever. I found if mine were well exercised they were much less stressy, whiny, attention seeking at home . It's also good for you not to have the four walls come in on you as that only exacerbates your irritation and lethargy.

Longer term you need to negotiate with your dh about a return to work or education...even if it is part time. I think you need the balance.

Original poster

Schvitzing · 31/07/2017 11:30

Thank you all. This is reassuring. I just feel like such a stupid failure. I was never particularly 'domestic' but neither was DH and now I feel like my entire life is unrecognisable from 3 years ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

Schvitzing · 31/07/2017 11:31

I used to work freelance in museum education. The company I dealt with isn't around and it's very contact based. I don't really know anybody anymore!

OP posts:

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 11:31

Don't feel bad at all! Toddlers are jerks and you sound burnt out.

Original poster

Schvitzing · 31/07/2017 11:32

Plus freelance is very hard when you need to factor in childcare. I just feel so lost.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 31/07/2017 11:35

Use the day she is minders for yourself. Meet someone. Go for a walk. Read a book in a coffee shop. Give yourself a chance to get a break.

CheshireEditor · 31/07/2017 16:25

You need to find a Mum PLY - a person like you! So you can sling the toddlers into the garden together and you two can just sit get it all off your chest and laugh about it, whilst the toddlers learn socialising skills like pulling each others hair and eating dirt :-)

Toddlers are so annoying, messy and demanding. Just watched lady prising her toddlers fingers off the steering wheels whilst he screamed his head off. She got back from the shops about 20 mins ago and has been unable to get him out the car!

CheshireEditor · 31/07/2017 16:27

Are there any places such as museums or heritage centres nearby you could volunteer at? Even at the weekend just to get out for a bit? Keep up your skills, looks good on a CV, even just an afternoon.

JennyBlueWren · 31/07/2017 18:07

Sympathies! My DH is a SAHM to our DS(2). I'm a teacher so currently at home on holiday so DH is getting a holiday while I'm being mummy. I thought it would be lovely -all the things we could do and I'd definitely get more housework done than DH does when he sits around all day! But no -I actually seem to create more mess with my "lovely fun creative activities" which DS ditches within 2 minutes of. And I can't build garages for his cars to his satisfaction -had to get daddy in to do that!

I'll be glad to get back to 25 ten year olds!

pastelballoon · 31/07/2017 18:08

Are people just posting dramatic titles for clicks?

trappedinsuburbia · 31/07/2017 18:11

Im off work for a week and am going slowly mad !
I only work 16 hours, but I need it to keep sane, can you find any kind of part time job or full time college courses are in reality 2 1/2 days per week or even a part time course (you get to meet adults )

Sarahblake2017 · 01/08/2017 04:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BiscuitsWithEverythingPlease · 01/08/2017 05:09

There was a thread titled "if my three year old was on mumsnet" or something similar. It was brilliant...so many stories of toddler tantrums, unreasonable behaviours and sheer bloody mindedness it made me laugh out loud because they were from the kids perspective and wildly funny but ooohhh so true. It brought it all back...the screaming for a banana then more screaming because I had opened it wrong. They are crazy little tyrants, but this too will pass. Definitely see if you could volunteer somewhere for a few hours, even a charity shop would get you out to be with humans again. I think if we were honest, we all hate our children at some point so you are not alone in that. Cheers x 🍷

whiteroseredrose · 01/08/2017 06:33

Toddler groups? Search on the internet for ones in your area. There are a huge variety out there, some more relaxed than others. The one I used to go to had lots of toys and activities for the DC and tea and chat for the mums (yes they were all mums).

I only did one as I had other mum friends by then and also saw my mum and gran, but there were enough for every day of the week if needed. Tumbletots, Jo Jangles, storytelling at the Library, play sessions at the leisure centre and toddler groups at pretty much every church. And lots of other mums to chat to. Shame I ever had to go back to work really!

kateandme · 01/08/2017 06:37

what about national trust properties.have you thought abuot volunteering for one of them.they have historical houses.great outdoors.it might be along your lines of interest.it will get you out.it can be at any time you choose.and just get you back into educational.stimulation.the sites are often beautiful places to be.you could do this for many volunteering rolls.just something to get your feet back into the world outside but without the pressure.
or are there local museum you could go and talk to them.ask if there is any work or help you could give them part time.

JustMumNowNotMe · 01/08/2017 06:42

Oh go back to work lovely! Even if you make practically zero after childcare costs, so what?! You'll be happier and then you can look forward to your time with her on the weekends. Work is about so much more than money to me, i have a baby a toddler and 10 year ole and work full time as I really can't handle being a SAHM.

Crunchymum · 01/08/2017 06:58

Work is my saviour!!

I am lucky in that my company granted me PT hours so I do 3 days per week.

Perfect work / life balance. And I'll be going back when number 3 is a year old mainly for my sanity

corythatwas · 01/08/2017 07:09

I was in a similar situation workwise when mine were little, having emigrated and had children before I had had time to establish a career (and in a similar field to yours by the sounds of it). Dh and I agreed that the day dd (and later ds) was at the childminder's would be for developing my career and that tidying up, cooking etc would just have to happen during the rest of the week- including weekends and including an input by dh. In fact, it was my mother who first recognised that my mental wellbeing was being affected by loss of non-mother identity and offered to pay for one day at the CM for a year.
My dc are now grown-up/nearly grown-up and I can't tell you how important it is to me to have a job that I enjoy and that brings me in contact with other people (and means a small pension).
Have a chat with your dh, make sure you both understand that your future has to be factored into the equation and then think about the practicalities.

Winterview · 01/08/2017 07:19

I'm regularly reduced to tears by my 2-year-old. I love her intensely but find daily life exhausting. Sertraline helps but I'm still on my knees by bedtime. She constantly jumps on me, climbs on me, elbows me in the face and clings onto my leg so I can't cook/tidy or clean spat out food from the floor.

She bolts so going out is stressful! But we do go out otherwise I'm climbing the walls by lunchtime and want to cry at the prospect of more duplo games.

I advise meeting up with mum friends every day. Go to play dates or toddler groups, invite people over, anywhere there is a secure area where they can play while you chat. It's easier to cope with their demands when you're not alone!

Winterview · 01/08/2017 07:25

Also, try to keep on top of the housework during the week so the day she's at CM is all yours! IME this makes a big difference. Mine goes to nursery on a Thursday, so every Wednesday I do the vacuuming and mopping during her nap, put washing away, dust, then clean the bathrooms in the evening. Thursdays I try to go out by myself for a day of shopping, a walk or just sit on the sofa drinking coffee!

Noodle84 · 01/08/2017 07:37

I'm a teacher with DD who is 21 months and DS who's 4.5 and I'm slowly going crazy and that's just because it's the holidays. Going to work part time is a break for me and I currently miss it. In your shoes I'd definitely be looking for something whether it be a part time job or volunteering when your DD is at the childminders or at the weekend! Can you split some of the chores for over the weekend?

sixinthebedandthelittleonesaid · 01/08/2017 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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