Petrified and disappointed at gender scan

[GenderDisappointment]

I've name changed for this and I might add a trigger warning: child abuse.

I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people who cry and are disappointed when they find out the sex of their unborn child.

We found out we're having a girl and I can't cope.

Here's why: My DH and I have unexplained infertility. It took us 2 years TTC and 2 rounds of IVF to conceive our son in 2015. Our beautiful little boy was stillborn at 32 weeks and devastated us. I miss him everyday and I'm angry and bitter that this happened to me. After all we'd been through, it wasn't simply a case of grieving and trying again. We had to self-fund more IVF to conceive. After an MMC (also IVF) at 8 weeks and more IVF I'm current pregnant where I'm carrying a girl. I should be thrilled, right?!

I don't like my mother. We have an awful relationship and live in different countries, seeing each other once a year at Christmas. Things she did included kicking me out of the house before my 21st birthday (I lived at home during university) when I came home after my curfew and slept with a boy I was dating who she didn't like. I spent my 21st birthday sleeping in my car. I never had friends over our house because she'd embarrass me and put me down in front of them, thinking she was funny but actually she was just spiteful and mean. She puts me down constantly: I'm stupid, I'm a slut, I'm fat.. I'm actually none of these things.

I don't want my daughter to grow up and hate me like I hate my mum. I don't know how to be a good mum, because I never had one.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my father developed serious mental health issues and tried to sexually assault me in my late teens. It was the last time I ever saw or spoke to him. He later went on to commit suicide in 2009.

I look at my DH and I know he would never do anything to hurt our daughter or be so sick to have sexual thoughts about her. But it still makes me uneasy. I don't know what to expect from my DH because my own father wasn't a nice man.

I miss my son and I so desperately want him to be alive. I'm petrified about having a girl, I don't want her to have a shit life like I did.

AIBU to be upset? Anyone else experienced something similar?

[LaArdilla]

Sometimes I feel a little like this. My mum was revolting to me and kind to my brother. She preferred boys and thought all girls were disgusting slutty whores, which is literally all she called throughout childhood for ever minor slight. Left a spoon in the sink? Whore. Untidy toys? Slut. She had issues.

So when I had a boy... I sought therapy to become a better parent. Because honestly, it's really no different what gender kid you're parenting. If you have issues, sort them. The children 100% need you focused regardless of their gender.

Truth is, you're going to parent a boy or a girl just the same way.

If you're going to be 'a monster', you'll do it to both. If you're going to be better than your mother, you'll do it to both.

So, you're not going to be a monster. Not to a girl, nor a boy.

But a little CBT could clear your head, get you feeling positive again and ready to break the cycle. You're not going to be your mother, and your daughter will have a mother who loves her.

There are some excellent books out there for those recovering from poor mothering - Will I Ever Be Good Enough is one, there's another famous one that usually pops up on Amazon when you check it out.

Trust me. Boys, girls, when you're raising them, they're just your kids, and you're at no advantage or disadvantage even if it were true that you could parent one better than the other.

[pictish]

Oh OP I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your little boy...I am filling up just reading your post...that must have been so traumatic for you. Very sad indeed.

I know you are frightened but your little girl will be the sunshine on your rainy day, she really will. Just wait and see. xxxx

[tintrighttintfair]

OP you have said you are not stupid so I think you know your feelings at this stage are short term. You have a new little life granted to you, a person who is completely dependent on you and DH. How lucky she will be to have a mother who wants to protect her from the hardships life may throw at her and allow her to be her own person. Just like you are.

[LaArdilla]

Jeez I just read your last post.

Your mother's a fucking monster and she does not deserve you. Honestly, you might need to get those protective instincts kicking in now. You need to protect your children from her. No relationship with "Grandma" is going to be healthy for them.

My therapist recommended no contact with my mother and she's only half as bad as yours sounds.

She brings nothing positive to you, only negative. She insults you and gets off on making you unhappy, probably because of her own anger issues and because your life is going to be so much better than hers, regardless how she treats you.

Cut the bitch off. You don't need to be abused anymore.

[MrsJayy]

I am astounded at how cruel your mother is to you I think you need to stop telling her things that are dear to you concentrate on your own family, this is how you will protect yourself and your daughter.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I'm so sorry you lost your little boy and for all the other stuff you have been through.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and I think regardless of gender you will make a terrific mum.

You said you are petrified that your daughter will have a shit life but she wont. Because you won't allow it. We don't always follow by example, and in your case the opposite will apply. Do you think your mum was petrified you would have a shit life? No, of course she wasn't or she wouldn't have treated you how she did. The fact that this concerns you shows what a wonderful and loving mum you will be, and your DH sounds lovely too. You will be a great little team, the three of you with your little boy loooking down. Sorry if that sounds twee.

I also think some counselling would be a great idea too.

to you.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Just read your last post........your mum sounds toxic, I would seriously think about cutting her out of your life. Blood is not thciker than water, do not put up with her nastiness (and that's praising her) just because she is your mum. You and your DD (and the memory of your son) deserve so much more.

[Lostinaseaofbubbles]

Step 1. Cut your mum out of your life.

Both those things are just too horrible for someone to say. She doesn't sound ready to be a loving grandmother. Walk away.

[Butterymuffin]

Don't waste any more of your time speaking to your mother. She's the bitch, not 'karma'.

[nachogazpacho]

You'll parent in opposition which means you are aware of your parents dysfunction and will do the opposite. This is because you are conscious of it. Also, counselling will help you feel stronger about your ability to parent well. I had similar problems and my dc are well loved and well patented. I do have traits from my childhood I've had to work on but I've had help and am conscious of them so they don't get out of hand.

[leafprint]

Aw, OP. I am sorry for all you have been through. With your mum, the IVF and losing your little boy. It is no wonder your emotions are very raw.

I have the same fears as you for the same reasons, but I reassure myself that in so many important ways I am very, very diffferent to my mum and think of how this is true everyday in practice and also under pressure. I try to focus on being loving and kind to myself too, especially when anxious. You will have many, many wonderful times with your daughter I am sure, and be a better parent because of your experiences and awareness of behaviour.

I'm sure that you will find the counselling very helpful again and hope you find the support you need.

[NannyRed]

I had a dreadful relationship with my mother, so much so that we haven't spoke for over 6 years now. I was determined to be a better mum to my daughters and now I see what fantastic mums they are to their children. You can break the cycle, have you considered looking at some positive parenting classes near you.
Congratulations on your daughter, make happy memories.

[selfishcrab]

So sorry you lost your little boy OP.

The thing to remember is you are not your Mother, you never will be!
I was worried when pregnant as no woman on my mothers side had raised their child, adoption, given away or left. It worried me to the point I became ill.
When my DS was born I promised him he would have the childhood filled with love and security. As he grew I told him every day I loved him and I was proud of him... he's in bed ATM at 21 and I kept my promise, he has a home with me, until he chooses and my love forever.

You will love and cherish you little girl always so try not to worry as you've seen how destructive parents can be and because of that and despite of your Mother you wont let it happen. Trust yourself.

[Helendee]

You will be the best mum to your little girl because you already know how not to be a mum. You will love and treasure your little girl when she's here I know. She won't replace your little boy but she will bring so much love and joy. I wish you all every happiness in your journey together. X

[Mumzzy88]

Firstly I'm so sorry about the horrible life experiences you have had. But please know that you are going to be ok.! When your daughter is born you will be overwhelmed with love. I don't have a relationship with my mother she kicked me out s few days after my 16th birthday because she was selling her house and moving to a smaller property I had to find a flat and learn how to cook etc and take care of myself by myself I suppose it made me stronger. We still don't have a relationship even after me trying she has very little maternal instinct towards me I'm not sure why she's ok with other siblings just not me. But I went on with my own life and I have three daughters and all I can say is I will not allow that to happen to me and my girls. You will feel like this too.
I wish you a happy pregnancy and a healthy baby girl. XxxX

[MrsBobDylan]

So sorry for all your pain and suffering .

Just wanted to say seeing a councillor before I had my first child really helped me and I have carried on with it on and off for 10 years to sort through the deluge of shit that was my childhood.

My dh and councillor tell me I'm a good mum and I adore and enjoy my children and we all get along very well. It has worked out so much better than I feared... I see my mum still but can now limit the impact of her horribleness.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

[JamPasty]

try to have a relationship with her because she's my mum - you really really don't have to. I would not let her see your daughter either.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son too. Make sure you talk to your daughter about her big brother too - he might not be here with you, but he's family.

[JayoftheRed]

Like a PP, my husband also had a hard time growing up. He is a brilliant father to our children BECAUSE of his childhood - he knows what he hated, so he doesn't do it. He doesn't force them to eat foods they don't like (although I will insist they eat their broccoli!), he makes sure he listens to them when they're angry and finds out what is the problem, rather than just punishing them for shouting.

He has moments where he struggles, but he is so aware of his issues that he is pretty on the ball with it all.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DS, I can feel your desperation for him to be alive coming out of the screen, I wish he was too for you.

But your baby is your baby - it doesn't matter if she's a girl, she will love you because you are her mummy! And you won't treat her like your mother did, because you are not your mother.

[Intransige]

Something that really helped me was realising that my father will never be the loving and caring parent that I needed him to be when I was a child. He just won't ever be that person, and the past will never change.

I kept trying to make him change and imploring him to care, and it just doesn't work.

Your mother is saying hurtful things to you that no one should say to someone else, particularly not a parent to their child. Either she doesn't know she hurts you, in which case she will keep doing it. Or she wants to hurt you, in which case she will keep doing it. Either way, protect yourself as much as you can because it is highly unlikely that she will change

I'm so sorry, it's horrible having an abusive parent

Have you found the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board on here?

[Hissy]

When your little girl is here, you will know everything you need to know as a mum. You will love her and she will adore you. You will know what love is, really is.

You get absolutely NOTHING positive from having the person who gave birth to you in your life. NOTHING.

This is because of HER and her inadequacies, not your short-comings.

Please give serious thought to phasing her out of your lives. Your life WILL improve without her in it.

Counselling would be a great idea and I really hope you can get some organised asap.

Keep posting, there are lots of us here who have experience in some of the issues you have faced. We'll help you as much as we can.

(((hugs)))

[PoppyPopcorn]

Agree with a lot of the other posters, I think you need to seek out some sort of therapy and counselling to talk through what has happened in your past which sounds horrific.

Good luck OP.

[GenderDisappointment]

Your responses have made me cry (in a good way)! Thank you for opening up with your own stories too and how you've grown in to caring and loving parents.

Intransige I'm an occasional lurker on the Stately Homes thread, but I should make time to read from the first thread many years back and start from there. Can't believe the shitty childhoods some of us have had and I can relate to a lot of the stories.

LaArdilla thanks for that book recommendation. I've just ordered it on Amazon Prime so it's coming tomorrow :)

[Trb17]

@GenderDisappointment please don't think for a second that you'll be like your mum. You won't. Because you know how it feels.

Having a daughter is wonderful (as is having a son) and your own mum missed out.

I have a very close relationship with DD and can honestly say my life is so much better for it.

Do try to get counselling but know this... we are not our parents, we do not have to repeat anything, we learn from our mistakes and you DD will love you more than anything in the world.

Good luck sweetie

[Lunalovepud]

I am so sorry about your little boy.

As far as your parents are concerned, you can, and you will break the cycle with your daughter.

I break the cycle every day because I try not to shout at my gorgeous DC1, I would never, ever under any circumstances hit him, belittle him, call him names or threaten and frighten him into silence and doing what I want. I would never play mind games with him, play him off against siblings or other family members or blame him for things I have done or things that are completely outside of his control. I would never make him responsible for my thoughts and feelings and I would never, ever make him feel unloved or that he is in any way not good enough.

Instead I kiss him, cuddle him at every opportunity I get and even when he is being a massive PITA (all kids are a massive PITA at times) and lashing out in anger when he is having a tantrum, I just offer him cuddles and support with his feelings and soothe him. I'm not a pushover, I just try to be kind.

I am expecting a girl at the moment and I will be doing exactly the same with her. I am not more scared about having a daughter than I was with my son, although I am conscious, like you are, that I don't want her to have the same experiences as I did as a child.

The thing is, that because you fully and truly understand the impact of your parent's awful behaviour on your childhood and on your life, you will parent with these things in mind and you will break the cycle.

I am very vigilant with DC, probably on the hyper vigilant side because of my experiences - I never leave DC with anyone apart from my husband, close family or nursery and I was practically MI5 level stalking and investigating nursery before I left him there too! I think that is understandable and natural after my experiences but I have to be mindful of it, otherwise it is very easy to over think things and let the world become a very scary place. As he gets older and can tell me if there is a problem / something happens, I think and hope I will become more relaxed about things.

As PPs have suggested, speaking to your GP and getting some talking therapy might be helpful, as it might help you to separate the intrusive and distressing thoughts you are having about your own experiences from what you will be like as a parent.

You will be a brilliant mother and your daughter will think you are amazing. You have a lot of fun and happiness ahead of you with your little family. Good luck with everything.

[StayAChild]

Your daughter will be one lucky little girl having a Mummy and Daddy who, because of their history, are so acutely aware of what being a good parent is. Boys are just as vulnerable as girls in the hands of abusive parents.

So sorry about your precious boy. You will always be the Mummy of a son. Some of his characteristics and behaviours, had he had chance to develop them, will be present in your daughter too.