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Petrified and disappointed at gender scan

78 replies

GenderDisappointment · 31/07/2017 08:42

I've name changed for this and I might add a trigger warning: child abuse.

I never thought I'd be one of THOSE people who cry and are disappointed when they find out the sex of their unborn child.

We found out we're having a girl and I can't cope.

Here's why: My DH and I have unexplained infertility. It took us 2 years TTC and 2 rounds of IVF to conceive our son in 2015. Our beautiful little boy was stillborn at 32 weeks and devastated us. I miss him everyday and I'm angry and bitter that this happened to me. After all we'd been through, it wasn't simply a case of grieving and trying again. We had to self-fund more IVF to conceive. After an MMC (also IVF) at 8 weeks and more IVF I'm current pregnant where I'm carrying a girl. I should be thrilled, right?!

I don't like my mother. We have an awful relationship and live in different countries, seeing each other once a year at Christmas. Things she did included kicking me out of the house before my 21st birthday (I lived at home during university) when I came home after my curfew and slept with a boy I was dating who she didn't like. I spent my 21st birthday sleeping in my car. I never had friends over our house because she'd embarrass me and put me down in front of them, thinking she was funny but actually she was just spiteful and mean. She puts me down constantly: I'm stupid, I'm a slut, I'm fat.. I'm actually none of these things.

I don't want my daughter to grow up and hate me like I hate my mum. I don't know how to be a good mum, because I never had one.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my father developed serious mental health issues and tried to sexually assault me in my late teens. It was the last time I ever saw or spoke to him. He later went on to commit suicide in 2009.

I look at my DH and I know he would never do anything to hurt our daughter or be so sick to have sexual thoughts about her. But it still makes me uneasy. I don't know what to expect from my DH because my own father wasn't a nice man.

I miss my son and I so desperately want him to be alive. I'm petrified about having a girl, I don't want her to have a shit life like I did.

AIBU to be upset? Anyone else experienced something similar?

OP posts:
FrankiesKnuckle · 31/07/2017 10:02

I felt very similar feelings when I was pregnant.
I just couldn't envisage having a girl and was convinced (and secretly hoped) baby was a boy. We didn't find out though, and I'm glad we didn't. I fear my feelings would've festered had I known at 20weeks that baby was a girl.
I had a c-section, and when they lifted baby out and told me it was a girl it was the best thing anyone had ever said to me! Instant love, and an instant decision to never make the same mistakes as my mother, to treat my daughter with the respect she deserves.

My mother and I have a strained relationship at best, her behaviour towards me over the years can at best be described as insane and at its worst, downright cruel. She has no insight of how she is towards me.

My little girl is my everything.
I am not my mother and she is not me, it's a cycle easily broken.

I wish you a happy and healthy rest of pregnancy Flowers

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 31/07/2017 10:02

You are not your mum and your DH is not your dad. I think you'd benefit from counselling and going nc with your mum. I have no idea of the complexities of your relationship with her, but you sound like you'd be better off without her in your life. Does she add anything positive? And have you heard of FOG? Google it, it may be appropriate to your situation.

GenderDisappointment · 31/07/2017 10:16

I'm touched at everyone's responses and am reading them all! Feeling a little more positive about my situation.

Ginger never heard of FOG. What is it? Tried to Google it but just comes up with definitions for fog.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 31/07/2017 10:20

OP the fact you feel this way means you will never, ever be like your mother.
Flowers for your little boy, I had a late loss and empathise x

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 31/07/2017 10:24

My grandmother was awful to my mum

My mum was a fabulous mother...she had her moments

But i was never in any doubt that she loved me dearly and wanted the best for me

You will be fine OP Thanks

WhenLoveAndCakeCollide · 31/07/2017 10:25

OP - I've been where you are, in terms of having an emotionally abusive mother (because that's what your mum is). My mother was an emotionally abusive narcissist.

During my first year of primary school, she had left home for five years, and my brothers & I didn't see or hear from her in that time. For reasons I don't know, my parents didn't divorce in that time, I guess because my dad didn't know where she was. As a result, she crawled back, and dad agreed to give it another go. This was the catalyst for our bad relationship, because when she returned, she was virtually a stranger to me (and I to her). She would constantly put me down, made me feel worthless, and told me that my dad felt the same but was too afraid to tell me. That's why I didn't' tell my dad about it, because I was terrified about what he'd say, scared he'd confirm he felt the same.

When I was 13, we relocated to the U.S. (my mother was American), and her emotional abuse got worse. Then she left again, to be with another man, and the truth came out. My dad was horrified. I started therapy, which I still have to this day, although not as often as I did back then.

My mother (I refuse to call her mom) died last year, and just a few weeks later, I discovered I was expecting my first child. And like you, when I found out I was having a girl, I was upset. And bloody petrified. Me? A daughter? But what if...?

My DD is four weeks old, and the moment I laid eyes on her, all those fears melted away. All I felt was unconditional love. And it hit me, that I know I will never become my mother, because from her I had a masterclass in how NOT to do. If I have to say one positive thing about my mother, it would be that, that she's shown me how not to be a mother. (She wasn't a great mother to my brothers either).

I can't tell you not to feel the way you do, because I understand why you do, and would go as far as to say it's perfectly natural given what you've been through.

However I feel confident that like me, once you see your DD, you'll realize that you could NEVER be like your mum, because like mine, she's an advert for how not to do it.

Finally, I would say the very fact you're worried/fearful, is a clear sign that you will NOT be like her. You are already thinking of your DD's welfare.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 10:36

You are not your mother, your daughter is not you.

As has been said, you will be aware of the mistakes made and will be aware not to repeat those.

No-one can predict what your relationship with your daughter will be like, but that's the same as any parent with a child. Chances are though that you will work harder at it and it will therefore have the best chance of it being great. Best of luck with it all and tbh I'd keep contact with your mum at a minimum. You don't want her to poison your relationship or treat your daughter like she did you.

You do sound like you will make excellent parents :)

PugOnToast · 31/07/2017 10:46

You aren't your mum and your DH isn't your dad. I am sure from what you have said you will both be sterling parents.

However, I think it is very understandable that you are feeling very emotional and anxious. Please go to the GP and ask for counselling and stress it is making you very upset and scared for your baby. I think it is really important you get some help before the birth and the cocktail of exhaustion, falling hormones and the baby blues. I hope I don't make things worse abs upset you saying this, but I do think you have increased chances of PND with this sad background.

I wonder if the MW would be able to access help for you more quickly than your GP. There will be a specially trained MW in birth for child abuse survivors and pregnancy is such a common time for issues to surface.

I found out I was having a boy. I was so disappointed as I had no mates in my family. My dad had left without trace and there were just a collection of struggling women. I couldn't picture myself with a son. When he was born these feelings disappeared and I couldn't be happier. But I was glad I had had the chance to get used to the idea.

Good luck. Seek help. FlowersStar

PugOnToast · 31/07/2017 10:47

I think you may find hypnotherapy very helpful as well as prenatal counselling.

ticketytock1 · 31/07/2017 10:48

Wow I'm sorry to hear about all you have been through.
You will find that you can use your experience to your advantage... you e had a master class in how not to be a mother to a daughter! You know about all the wrongs which will enable you to avoid them and be a fantastic mother!
I have a great relationship with my mum who was a survivor of abuse. She could have very easily gone the other way and continued the cycle of abuse but she didn't. She was strong and had faith in her abilities as a mother. You can do this. You will be amazing x

Bisquick · 31/07/2017 10:50

Oh OP I know how you feel in one regard at least. We lost our son in a stillbirth at 37 weeks, and I'm pregnant again too. With a girl.

I cried when I first found out but rallied later (and seeing our bereavement counsellor definitely helped).

My DH said he's actually thrilled this baby is of a different sex, so that we can mentally separate out the two babies in our heads. Our son is irreplaceable, and having another boy now will not sweep our grief under the carpet. So a daughter will actually be lovely, since she'll get all the love we had for a baby, but will be v distinct from the son we lost.

Also, girl babies are stronger, and women are more likely to conceive baby girls when stressed out. If you're the sort of person who obsesses over statistics as a way to calm fears, then take it as another good sign that this baby is a girl!

On the abuse and issues with your mother other posters have had wiser advice than me, but you sound like you will be a fantastic mother, and unlike your childhood situation this baby will be so wanted and loved and cared for. Good luck to you and I wish you a smooth pregnancy and a happy healthy baby soon!

Hissy · 31/07/2017 14:42

FOG - or F.o.G refers to Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

It's classic response to toxic upbringings/family/relationship dynamics

GenderDisappointment · 31/07/2017 14:50

bisquick it's awful isn't it? Our beautiful baby boys in heaven. I had always wanted a son first (given the reasons in my OP) and my wish was granted but he was taken away from me. He will always be my first born and I miss him dearly. I've found a support group PALS (Pregnancy After Loss Support) that is loosely related to SANDS so I'm looking forward to going to a PALS meet up soon.

Thanks Hissy, going to Google that now x

OP posts:
OhHolyFuck · 31/07/2017 14:56

Op congratulations on your pregnancy and like others have said, the fact you are worried about this shows how great a mother you will be

I too have a toxic mother, she was awful to me from age 12 onwards. I went NC with her when I was loading my non-breathing baby ds2 (asthma) into the back of an ambulance and she was on the phone screaming at me that I hadn't invited her dog to be in my bridal party for me wedding.
She also called my children a 'sin' as ex-dp and I weren't married

I decided that part of being a good mother was to keep my children away from this abusive harridan who added nothing to any of our lives. You really don't have to have a relationship with yours too you know?

YeahILoveSummer · 31/07/2017 14:58

OP you have had a tough childhood + a really tough time recently as well. You will know what NOT to do with your daughter + I'm sure you will love + cherish her. Big hugs to you Flowers

AngelaoftheNorth · 31/07/2017 15:01

OP, you have been through so much. It isn't just "gender disappointment" you're going through, but a mass of so many issues.

The sex of a baby, though, is such a small part of them. Each child has his or her own personality that is so much more than boy-ness or girl-ness - even when, like my DD1, they conform to every gender stereotype imaginable.

I hope you can find the support you need.

AWomanOfSlenderMeans · 31/07/2017 20:22

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your little boy, and offer my sincere condolences.

I have recently posted about my childhood abuse... I am the mother of one most fantastic daughter, and have the best of relationship with her. She is the light of my life and I love her so much, as I am sure you will do with your daughter. I never worry that anything that happened to her will repeat itself wit my daughter, I couldn't do, it, nor would you.

If I had have a son, I am sure I would think they same... A positive relationship between a parent and child is gift to be treasured, and you already know the value of that. You will not repeat your mother's mistakes. Enjoy your baby girl xx

GenderDisappointment · 31/07/2017 20:36

Thank you again everyone. You've all made my day!

OhHolyFuck I know I don't have to be in her life or talk to her but when I limit my contact with her she gets upset and asks why I'm not talking to her and I'm her only child and I feel immense guilt. I hate it.

OP posts:
Trb17 · 31/07/2017 20:43

@GenderDisappointment may I gently suggest that you consider going NC with your mother. Guilt is no reason to feel you must allow a toxic person into your life. You don't deserve that. And your DD, who you will grow to love beyond what you can imagine right now, doesn't deserve to have a grandma like that either.

You both deserve so much more Flowers

grannytomine · 31/07/2017 20:50

You have so much to be nervous of but I think your little girl will be very loved. My husband was brought up by his mum and gran, his dad died when he was a baby. He had no grandfather and one uncle who wasn't interested, he had no male role models. He was worried about having a son, he said he had no idea how to love another male as he never had. Well when our son was born he found it very easy to love him and I think you will find the same.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Bigoldsupermoon · 31/07/2017 21:07

Much love to you, OP, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a completely toxic relationship with my mother; eventually cut her out and am still NC after 10 years now.

I have a two-year-old daughter. While part of me will always be scarred by my mother, and terrified that my daughter and I will suffer the same kind of fate, it's based in fear and hurt, not reality. My daughter adores me, and I her - she's a complete Mummy's girl, and her unconditional love has been so healing.

Wishing you all the best x

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 31/07/2017 21:12

Oh OP I felt like this when I found out we were having a girl. But I promise you if you're aware of it that's most the battle fought x

Starlight2345 · 31/07/2017 21:14

OP..You have been through so much..

I have every faith you will be a great mum to your little girl.

My parents were both abusive..It has left me in the position as a mum I have no role model...So it means I think through all my decsions , they will be based on your child rather than on worked for you. You will get things wrong ( we all do) , you will wish you had done some things differently ( hindsight is a great thing) however so do parents whose own parents were amazing are the same.

I would say go no contact but not sure you are ready. I think it may well be worth writing a letter to your mum, telling her how you expect her to behave if she wants to stay in contact. One been your DS is reffered to by his name or as your son...Anything else is unacceptable.. Like all these things though they only work if the 2 of you try and make it work.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 31/07/2017 21:27

I think you will be a wonderful mother to your beautiful little girl. For you to be so worried that you will do your best by her, speaks volumes. She will adore you, and you her.Flowers

OhHolyFuck · 31/07/2017 21:28

gender I'm sorry if I made it sound so black and white, of course it's not and I know there's so many complicated feelings tied up in it all

Did you manage to read any on FOG? And there's a website too something like 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' which might be helpful

Above all take care of yourself and your baby too, I wish you all the best, I'm sure you'll be smashing Flowers

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