blindside divorce petition To escape really shitty marriage?

[OmniwhoreDun]

Posting here on the advice of a poster (for more traffic)

Today 13:26 OmniwhoreDun

Doing this completely on the downlow.

I've NC because I'm so close now and paranoid that my H will find out my plans

I have posted many times during my rocky marriage and I've gotten such brilliant advice. I hope I won't be judged too harshly. I made plans to go in the January just gone but a legal matter complicated things. A couple of months previously I went to see a solicitor and got some preliminary advice and left my marriage certificate with them with a view to filling out some paperwork nearer the time.

I'm so mentally and physically drained from the last few years that I'm stalling. I've literally frozen knowing that I now have a countdown. I have NOBODY in RL that I've been able to tell of my plans as I had planned similar 4 years ago and the person I trusted blabbed to my husband sad

I haven't even told my family because they love him and I know they will try to help and things will be disastrous for me like they were before.

Ok -sorry for the long backstory.

I do not know what to write for the reasons for unreasonable behaviour. I can barely string a sentence together. I've done a little research and this tells me that you can only include things that have happened in the last 6 months.

A small selection of the crap I've been through.

Our marriage goes through cycles. Cycles of my husband working away for long spells, never contacting me, being an absent parent (sleeping all weekends) to being present, very thoughtful- buying my flowers and perfume and lavishing the children with gifts to being found out being unfaithful-me withdrawing affection, kicking him out-him being remorseful, trying again

I am SAHM and supporting him for ten years to get to where he is -very successful in his field. I have physically single handedly raised our children including one who has special needs.

Over the course of our marriage he has

Stood by whilst his family systematically bullied and psychologically damaged me (including them threatening to take my children from me for being an unfit mother)

Made enquiries to see a prostituee for anal sex (I found the email to the prostitute when looking for house stuff
This caused me to miscarry our second child

When he came with me for the scan it was detected that there was no heartbeat -which he later used to minimise what I went through saying that "there was always going to be a miscarriage)

Been caught out using chat room and receiving sexts/porn photos

Been inappropriate with work colleagues wives (I have seen and made copies of e mails)

Created social media accounts that have had photos of woman draped all over him (which he made private when I saw them)

He has literally cut me out of his life but expects to be fully immersed in mine- he leeches onto my friends over takes the friendship entirely -makes himself indispensable to them then turns on me.

He does this usually by demeaning me in front of them and saying horrible things, usually when everyone has had a drink or two- lately he has done in in front on my children - last summer he said (when I mentioned that my friends husband and I had a hometown in common "oh yes she had to make money somehow to get her through uni" implying I whored my way through uni

He has a social media presence where everything is wonderful and he is a loving father, philanthropist and action man- reality is he's a cunt, misogynist, pays women for sex and does nothing but sleep whilst I'm at home keeping everything going.

He works then comes home and does fuck all but sleep

He sent photos of my child to a woman last year on whatsapp that he'd met and discussed me and in conversation they laughed that I had the life of Riley and that if there were no children he would not be with me.

After I insisted that he have an STI test he then refused to have a vasectomy or use condoms for sex. I have refused to sleep with him (been 6 months now)

I have to stress that the background to all this I won't go into but I have only stayed because my children (in particular one DC) would have been extremely vulnerable in the hands of my H and his fucked up family-but I can only take this so far and I'm at breaking point. I know I've had enough because all those nights spent crying knowing he's wooing other woman have gone. I pray that some idiot falls for his lines so that I can be free-there's nothing anymore sad

My parents are back in this country at the end of October and I plan to tell them immediately of my plans and to beg them to stay a month to help me with practical things whilst I leave the omnifucking shambles of a marriage. I will just tell them I'm asking for a divorce and serve him papers whilst they are here.

In the first instance could anyone help me prepare my written statement for reasons I'm divorcing him. I cannot do it without sounds like a crazed harpy.

Thank you for getting this far.

Sorry i cant help you with the statement but wanted to give this a bump and also say how sorry I am you are going through this and how right you are to divorce him and by the sounds of things not to trust anyone. Is there a reason you are waiting until October?

I would say the word "adultery" alone would be enough. Have you thought about seeking professional help from a family lawler?

I hope you manage to find happiness.

Thank you Fruit.
Yes a house in the family becomes available (they've no idea I have my eye on it to move into as I know H will not leave our home-even though his parents who we are NC with love the next road away)

October is also when my parents come to the UK (they live the other side of the world )

You poor thing, you sound so downtrodden. I think you should talk to Women's Aid and they can help with the wording and support generally.

Martin the solicitor said that without admission "adultery" is very difficult to prove.

He will deny it all. He still denies it now and minimises.

Anathema. WA is too risky.

He raises funds for similar and this is a small town. I will get found out. It's more or less howni was rumbled the first time.

I do think somewhere on my horizons there is a sunny spot waiting. I would've given up a long time ago without that thought.

Have you sort practical advice. - such as benifits etc
Are you living areas or staying local
Why do you need your parents?
When is he next away? You could go then?
Can you look into rentals?

Have you called woman's aid?

As for the statement - Adultery is fine - breakdown in the relationship is also fine - speak to a solicitor

I would think that feeling like you have to hide all of this in the first place is evidence of emotional abuse?

I don't have much advice just wanted to bump and offer my deepest sympathies

What happened the last time you tried to leave and he found out?

Is there anyone you can trust at all?
What did you solicitor say - do they have any advice for organisations who can help? Women's aid maybe?

You're doing really well. You're much stronger than you think you are. Take care.

Greentulips inwont be able to cope without my parents here because of one of my DC who will struggle massively with the changes- whixhbindont want to list on here. I will need them here for practical and financial reasons also as I know once I serve the papers H will do everything he can to isolate and hurt me. I have had nobody throughout the course of my marriage for support-the only close friend I have told her husband who then (duped by my Hs nice guy persona) tried to help

I'm literally at breaking point.

I've looked into getting benefits etc in the short term yes.

My advice would be to leave first, worry about the divorce later. It might be that you will need to wait till you have been separated for two years to get your divorce, if he contests it. It might be easier just to do that anyway.

As far as what to write is concerned - surely your solicitor should be able to advise you?

But just because you are still technically married, you don't have to live with him as man and wife. You can leave any time - you will be entitled to child maintenance if you are married or not.

pennys right. You can just get out

Is it the not having any support (financial and I guess property-wise) that stops you from leaving? A divorce would mean you get some assets so can set up home - without that it's rather tricky.

Massive apologies. Im assuming things. I just wanted to be clear - as it makes it easier for people to help

I have nothing it's all in his name- solicitor has said that the easiest thing would probably be for me to move into his buy to let home (Tiny but it would be ours) we wouldn't even all fit but I could sleep downstairs and at least we'd be free.

The solicitor has said that is easiest - yes, that may be true. But how do you feel about that? Do you think he would make it that easy? Would you be better finding a place that is yours?

What do YOU want?

I think the idea is it would be mine in any settlement. I wouldn't be able to afford to run the house we live in now. He has a 6 figure salary and very cash rich parents keeping this home would be piss easy for him.

I just want to sever as quickly as I can then I can regain control of my life and begin again.

First thing - get a better solicitor. You need one who will fight for you, not one who'll tell you it's difficult at the first hurdle.

Second, never forget that you are stronger than you think you are right now. It's that arsehole of a husband who has destroyed your confidence and stamina, but it's still in there somewhere, however deeply buried.

Thirdly, think about going for unreasonable behaviour in the divorce rather than adultery. That gives you a much wider brief.

And do something to make things happen. You sound so down and hopeless about it all that you are either waiting for other people to come along to help fix it - your parents, an OW he goes off with - or you are using those as a reason to delay actually taking steps to get out.

Try to find anger rather than despair, and stand strong and tall.

The devil she was a junior solicitor I think I need to ask for a partner.

I cannot stress enough, I'm not as passive as I come across I just know that after 16 years of this bullshit that I will need support and the relief to be able to tell my parents will be the second step.

Penny I want my life back.

I want something to show for all the heard work I put into the shitty marriage-he has everything. An amazing job, respect, a good wage, a "perfect family" minimal effort.

I want my freedom.
I want to be able to make friends and not back off from the friendships when my H intervenes and ruins it all for me.

I want to meet a man who treats me with respect. I'm middle aged but I'm not dead yet.

I want my children to look up to me and to not pity me.

I want to show my children you shouldn't for second best.

Some examples of unreasonable behaviour here OP m.divorce-online.co.uk/grounds-for-divorce.html hope its useful and that everything goes to plan for you

Post on legal for some advice, I should think listing unreasonable behaviour will hopefully work, if not 2 years separation is another option?

Didn't want to read and run. I've read some of your threads in the past or someone with a very similar life story with a husband well known and respected in the local community. I'm glad you're now ready to leave him.

Good luck. I'm on your side.

xo

I'm not in the UK so can't really provide any advice re petitions and language. But I'll echo others who say you need to speak to another solicitor. I've heard people mention Gingerbread.org.uk as a good starting point for information.

Is there any way you can speak privately to your parents before they get here? As a parent, I think I'd want to know as soon as possible, even if I couldn't get there sooner, so I could marshal what resources I could and make plans for as soon as I step off the plane. Of course, don't do this if you feel you can't speak privately or if you fear they might 'jump the gun' before you are ready.

I'd move further away - do you have access to any funds? Enough for a deposit and 3 months rent?

Get a new bank account sorted, one he doesn't know about, so you can swap to it once you leave, as he will an arse about it.
Also can you save any money to put it in, enough to eat and bits for 3 months also sort out all the personal info you need, passport , driving licence, car licence ect, so if you do have to run, you an grab a bag and go.
Green Tulips is right , enough distance to make it harder for him to not have to plan a journey to get to you will help some.