my mum and i have always had a very good relationship. She helped me alot when the children were babies and toddlers and has always given good help and support. we live close (just round the corner) and she collected the children from school once a week. when i went back to work part time, she would look after them (but they went to nursery also) i would still see her during the week and at weekends we would go out with my children and my dad (not my husband as he works on saturdays).
my dad died 7 years ago and our relationship changed overnight. the parent-child dynamic changed, and understandably as she was just widowed, i was doing alot for her regarding the finances, will, house etc. She is far from infirm, she drives, goes out with her friends on coach trips, walks her dog every day, does her own shopping etc.
My children are now 11 and 14 so they are more independent and i now work full time, but every 2-3 months we have an argument about how i don't spend enough time with her, how no one cares about her now she's not needed for childcare anymore, how i have a perfect life always going out with my friends (which isn't the case) and how we go on holiday without her. She has never liked my husband and it can be awkward when they are together, so inviting her on holiday is not great although we have done it before, i didn't really enjoy it as i was constantly on edge about him saying something she would take the wrong way. she compares her time spent with me to some of her friends (one of whom lives with her daughter and another whose daughter doesn't work) and clearly isn't happy about me being at work all week and not having time to take her out for lunch or to garden centres like we used to when the children were toddlers. she complains i don't text her, but admits that she never looks at her mobile so doesn't reply to my messages. I usually see her during the week and at weekends and speak to her on the phone for at least 40 min once or twice a week but i'm at work from 8-6 every day and sometimes have work to do at weekends or am ferrying the children around. Sometimes they want to go out and actually say 'can it be just the 4 of us, not granny?' we don't spend much family time together as the 4 of us so I don't always feel like bringing her, especially with the way I know she feels about DH. When she has a go at me i always apologise and feel guilty and try to make more effort to include her in things we do, but it never seems to be enough to satisfy her- things have changed and are not like they were when the kids were tiny and we spent alot of time out together. I'm working more but it feels like she resents me for it. She says 'when i was your age i was holding down a a FT job, looking after the children and taking care of my elderly mother, cutting her grass and doing all her shopping'. She expects me to to organise trips and entertain her, she never suggests anything to do but chides me for not organising things. she never rings me but is angry when i don't ring her often enough.
I do have a brother who lives in the same village, married with 2 children. He is much less engaged but because he has always been like that, she doesn't expect any more from him. She will ring him up and ask him to come round and do jobs and he will, then he doesn't ring her for ages but he doesn't get into trouble. His children are younger and mum has them once a week after school so she feels connected to them, even though my SIL and brother always go out at weekends but never invite my mum to go with them.
this flare up has been happening regularly every 2-3 months since my dad died and each time it makes me upset for days afterwards, and i always ask myself 'what more can i do?'. I can't see how i can do what it is she expects from me and i try to include her in lots of things we do but sometimes i prefer it to just be the 4 of us, particularly on holiday. I love my job and feel angry that she isn't happy for me, but seems to resent me working- my dad would have been so proud but she never seems to be.