To think my child will never poo in a toilet???

[Mammabear31]

4yo DS. Will sit on the toilet, hold his poo for what feels like forever til he has a nappy on. We've tried taking them away; ended up with severe constipation and a traumatised child. No amount of bribery, sitting or anything will work. We've been trying for nearly 2 years and still no poo on the toilet. Am beginning to lose hope....

I'm going to start insisting on him staying in the bathroom after reading this. At the moment he prefers to stink out our living room! Anyone else have a 3.5yr old + who would happily stay in the soiled nappy for hours, too? It's disgusting!

Getting some good tips. Thanks for the thread OP. Solidarity.

We had 6 months of terrible withholding, prescribed movicol until we'd got him pooing daily. For a year he would only poo in his nappy at bedtime. In order to move forward we tried lots of different strategies but What eventually worked for us was the gradual approach. He had to put his nappy on and poo in the bathroom. Then poo near the toilet. Then stand on a toilet step, then sit on the toilet, then I cut I tiny hole in his nappy, and then cut away the hole so it got bigger each evening until it was basically a belt so he was actually pooing in the toilet. Then I took the nappy away. After that, no more problems. It took about 3 weeks. Good luck! He was 3.10 when we finally cracked it, was the hardest bit of parenting.

Oh God I feel your pain! Our youngest was like this, she would not poo on the toilet or in the potty, she got so upset and was constipated all the time. Eventually she started pooing in her pants and we were just relieved that she was going. That went on for months and then one day, out of the blue, she just went in the toilet, no drama. Keep the faith, this too shall pass.

Oh this was us 6 months ago and am happy to say the problem is now resolved. DD is now 5 but started school still poo-ing every night in a nappy. She would withhold her poo until evening and would frequently complain of stomach ache
We were trying to get her fully trained from about the age of 3 and had occasions when we were very relaxed about it and times when we were frustrated and quite stressy. I can confirm that getting stressed does absolutely no good whatsoever. So here are my tips for what it's worth:

• poos need to be done in the bathroom. My DD had a lot of ritual around her poos- she needed to be in the dark and wear PJs ( couldn't have her legs uncovered etc etc). We did lots of work to get her to move into the bathroom. She started near the bathroom door and then gradually moved over to sit on the toilet.
• rewards need to be immediate - for every new thing we managed to get her to do ( move to the bathroom, remove her PJ bottoms) we would let her have a toy from the lucky dip bag. We used lots of little collectable toys - little mermaids and the like. She only got a new toy if she did something new.
• use books and apps - there a quite are quite a few Poo books ( I can only remember Everyone Poos) and Poo goes to Pooland app which she enjoyed looking at but did not provide an instant solution for us.Good to read on the loo though.
• respect privacy - do you want to do a poo with an audience? Me neither. Don't hover in the bathroom encouraging or pressuring.Make a comment like " you need to do your poo now" and leave them. After meals is considered a good time to try if your child does not have the same strict routine that our DD had.
• Be casual - don't go on about it all the time. I had my DM asking me about it every time she rang which made me feel very pressured and inadequate. She also discussed it a lot with my DD which I didn't like ( my DD could not really articulate why she wouldn't do it but my DM would make lots of comments " is it the sound of the poo you don't like"? I don't think it was helpful
• the child needs to help dispose of the poo - they need to remove the nappy themselves, flush it down the toilet and say au revoire rather than getting rid of it in the nappy. They also need to wipe their bottoms - obviously you will help with this but enable them to do as much as possible
• check out the Eric website - there's a good step by step guide to how to proceed ( the hole in the nappy worked for us)
• don't withdraw the nappy - please, please don't go cold turkey and remove the nappy. You will only discover how many days your child is prepared to withhold their poo for. In our case we held out for 5 days but our daughter so miserable - wouldn't eat, play with her friends. She just sat there because she was so desperate to hold th poo in. I was so upset I gave her back the nappy and as soon as she had done it she was back to normal.

Once our DD had done a Poo on the toilet she was obviously rewarded with a big treat. ( a Barbie doll with a dog that poos obviously). In the first instance she would only Poo at home and would hold it in until she got home from school. Nowadays she's pretty normal - will poo at school and out and about. She still needs lots of privacy which is fine - we're just so happy that it sorted. I hope some of this will help or at least reassure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. By the way we tried to get a referral to a continenence clinic but it wasn't forthcoming. We never used Movicol although the GP suggested it on our first visit. I was never convinced that out daughter had been constipated since her stool were always soft but that's the " go to" diagnosis but of course you will know if it's relevant for your child. Good luck everyone

I thought I was going round the twist. She would only poo in nappies for ages. She poos in the toilet like a champ now. There was some book with flaps with a pooer called Sarah... I forget. But it eventually worked out. I had to chill right out.

My DD did this up til just before she was 5. we tried all sorts of things with no luck and eventually my grandmother had a go at me and told me to stop pushing it because I was making it a big drama. 2 weeks of not mentioning poo at all and she just decided to use the loo on her own one morning. I'm pretty sure she was resisting out of pure rebellion to be honest.

Im so relieved to have found this thread.

My DS is 3.5 and has been out of nappies for about 7 months now and does all his wees on the toilet but absolutely refuses to poo on it. When he needs a poo he will go and get a nappy and say he needs it on because he needs a poo.

We went through a short phase where we told him he was a big boy now and needed to do his poos in the toilet and although he'd reluctantly agree to sit on the toilet he wouldn't poo and would then straight away ask to have a nappy on.

We decided that we wouldn't indulge it and that we wouldn't put a nappy on him but all that resulted in was him holding it all day until bedtime as he still wears nappies at night, and then he'd do the poo as soon as we'd put the nappy on.

I've been feeling so stressed over it the last month in particular because it just feels like we aren't making any progress.

I feel so relieved to know I'm not alone in this.

I have a friend whose DS had the same issue until he was approaching the start of school. My friend basically stressed the importance to him that at school he would be expected to poo in the toilet like a big boy. Her DS was very bright and eager to start school so this was a big motivator for him. Don't know if this helps at all, OP.

I tried everything, and DD has only just got it. She is 5. I think she was finally on the verge of being ready due to all my hard work but I told a white lie and said that her pull ups now had a notice on the label saying no poos allowed. Amazingly it worked! (Though I felt guilty!) Last step is getting her dry at night!

Same issue here when my DS was 5. Always had a poo in his nappy and only standing up.

Took a few months to sort it but we started with only having a poo in the bathroom (standing up with a nappy on), then moved to hovering over the toilet, then sitting on the toilet.

Once he was fine with sitting on the toilet, I cut a hole in the nappy. The hole got bigger over a week or so until he only had a bit of nappy left. He then decided for himself that is was silly to just have a 'nappy belt' on and went to the toilet normally.

Lots of praise, a few treats and he was very proud of himself.

My DD was the same - very nervous about pooing in the loo.
I can't offer any advice tho' - she just grew out of it.
Oh, just remembered, having got past that phase, she then would only poo naked. Everything had to come off!

DS would only poo standing up (would ask for a nappy if he needed to poo). We cracked it around 3.5, first insisting he needed to be in the bathroom when doing a poo. Then he agreed to stand on the stool in front of the toilet to do it. I started lifting the seat and tipping the poo straight down the toilet. Then for about a week we had some success with him sitting down to do the second bit of poo / me whipping off the nappy and sitting him down as soon as he started to do his 'poo face'. Much use of chocolate bribery throughout.

If you've tried all the books, songs, etc, I would completely back off. Stop reading the book every night, don't mention 'oooooh mummy's having a poo in the toilet', stop discussing it completely.

He might be picking up on your stress about it which will probably make him more anxious and more likely to withhold.

Sometimes when something gets built up into such a big deal it can make children reluctant to do whatever it is.

Put some nappies in the bathroom, let him know they are there for when he needs a poo. Just be matter of fact when he asks for one but keep/leave him in the bathroom to poo. No over the top praise, just 'good boy for letting me know you needed a poo'. Don't comment on it being in the nappy, don't mention the toilet at all.

Your aim is to take all the stress away that is associated with poo on the toilet. You may need to do this for months without discussing poo/toilet.

You may find he asks to use the toilet by himself. It doesn't really matter if he poos in nappies for now, he honestly won't be doing it forever. The last thing you want is chronic constipation from withholding which can damage the bowel and last years.

Much sympathy for all those still going through this though - I'd had a year of promising DS ridiculous amounts of chocolate, smarties just for sitting on the toilet, trying to get him to poo in a nappy sitting down... nothing. It was like he had a phobia of sitting down to poo! So stressful.

Hurrah for this thread. I'm in exactly the same situation and it's so frustrating. DS is completely pee.trained but will absolutely not poo in the loo. In fact rogue are you me? My DS will also quite happily sit in a poo nappy without so much as a grumble.

We have tried books, poo goes to pooland, bribery and tears (mine!).

There are some great ideas on this thread thou to try to help him. At this stage I'm worried I'm going to have to be changing his poo nappy at uni!

I had this. My daughter asked to be potty trained around her 3rd birthday but was still only pooing in a nappy until she was close to 4.
The only thing that worked for us was going cold turkey.
The nappy fairy came over night and left a note, taking the nappies away as she was too old for them.
I bought some bubbles and a recorder from the pound shop as i had read (on here I think!) that blowing a balloon is a similar action. When she needed to go she sat on the potty and I stroked her hair for comfort whilst she used the new toys as a distraction.
There were a LOT of tears that first day but a couple of days later she was pooing on the toilet and she now has no shame and we will poo in any toilet regardless of where we are! She got dry at night at the same time.
The nappy fairy bought her a gift of her choosing as a reward.

My ds is 7 next month, he was exactly the same and would hold on for all eternity rather than poo on the toilet.

Eventually I discovered he loved baked beans which seemed to make him go regularly, and with regular checking of his bum and a reasonable knowledge of when his bowels were likely to move, he's about 90% there now. He usually takes himself off to the toilet, sometimes with a bit of chivvying if he's doing something he'd rather not interrupt.

I found giving him a sweety after pooing on the toilet helped too. Still need to get him to wipe his own bum, but that's another battle 😂

I agree with littletwofeet to back off a little bit if it's become stressed because it's counter productive. We left the poo books in the bathroom next to the nappies so she could choose to read them or not. It is hard though... there were plenty of times I wanted to shout " just fucking do the sodding poo" but probably not that helpful. . I did feel very isolated because of course no one really announces that their child is having this issue so you feel it's just you. We did speak to a HV in the early days who reinforced what we were doing and who told us about the mythical " continence nurse" but we never got to see him/her and the GP wasn't very clued up about that as an option. We also spoke to the school nurse who gave the same advice as the ERIC website but who added the advice that she should help clear the poo up afterwards, flush it down the loo and wipe herself etc. If you've not looked at the ERIC website then I would go and check it out regarding any continence issue. They also have a helpline so if you feel a bit desperate they might be a good place to turn. Ultimately you're not alone we are all here if you need us.

Can anyone recommend any books that encourage pooing in the toilet?

We had this. Two things that worked - increasing dose of movicol to makes the poos softer and softer so she couldn't withhold. If you haven't tried it let him see you do a poo and talk through whole process, show him the poo in the toilet etc. We only had to do this once and it seemed to make a difference but increasing movicol dose until she couldn't withhold was the secret

If you haven't tried it let him see you do a poo and talk through whole process, show him the poo in the toilet etc

It's interesting you say this because if DS knows me or DH are having a poo he follows us into the toilet, watches, and then always asks to see it. We have always said no and told him poos aren't to be looked at and then just flush. I have never really thought twice about us doing it but is letting them see it supposed to help??

I have no advice but we are in this too! DD is 4. Starts school in a matter of weeks and has little discernable pattern. She has foecal impaction as she gets so stressed about poo. We have no idea where it started but when she gets worried she holds. The more she holds the bigger the blockage becomes and it has to come out at some point. Then us really hard and painful. So she holds more. We used to get really stressed about it but we did lots of online research and went to the docs. She now has movicol daily so she can't hold it. This is retraining her to feel when she needs to go (holding it can make them lose that feeling). It's working slowly. The tricky thing with her is that she is ashamed by it and fearful of upsetting people (and has never liked needing help with toileting) so our aim is to break that wall of shame so that we can deal with the effects of it. The physical side will come. It's dealing with the head bit! We have a care plan in place with school for September and she is being trained to deal with it By herself. We have put a kit together for her which has all the things she needs - wipes, sacks, spare pants and panty liners (saves her knickers!). She will be fine. Eventually! She is very strong willed and I have faith that with support she will sort herself out.

Waves to Writerwannabe83 (think we were on a pregnancy or hyperemesis thread together, but I'm a serial name changer). My ds was 3 in January. We've always been relaxed about pooing here - he often goes into the bathroom with his 6yo brother to watch. I've had him in with me, shown him poos etc and it hasn't helped. Guess we're all different.

So, have just downloaded Poo goes Home to Pooland onto my phone and watched it with both boys. Ds thought it was funny! We've just moved a pack of nappies into the bathroom and explained he can still poo in one standing up, but it must be in the bathroom from now on.

Will also try not to mention it any more, but it's hard!

Lots of brilliant posts on here - thanks everyone

Waves to GoingRogue - I was on a hyperemesis thread earlier this year. The sickness didn't pass until I was 19 weeks gone in the end. Baby is now due in three weeks!!

I just downloaded the PooLand App and actually found it a bit menacing and disturbing

I'm going to start setting the rule that he can o my poi in his nappy in the bathroom too and then take it from there. That's a great idea.

I'm just so relieved this problem is normal and I will be telling DH that too because he's even more stressed over it then I am