DH has BO

[limon]

How would you broach this nicely?

He seems oblivious and takes umbridge when I say he needs a shower after exercise.

Hes quite punjent and often smells by the emd of the day

But poor personal hygiene effects your attraction to someone, or for most people it does. Not like a secret stash of Spice Girls memorabilia or something like that

But surely it's a question of degree, too? The OP hasn't said "my DH is consistently so overwhelmingly stinky that I can smell him from across the room". There are people who smell that bad, and yes that would probably be quite off-putting. That's different from someone who sometimes smells vaguely musty when you get up close. If the OP's DH is more like the latter I think that's less off-putting than a secret Spice Girls stash, personally
Different people are willing to overlook different things - some people wouldn't care if their DP had bad teeth or a history of shoplifting or was overweight; for others that would be a deal breaker. Personally I wouldn't be able to overlook smoking - unattractive, selfish, stupid, and a waste of money - but plenty of people do and that's their prerogative. The OP's question wasn't "Do you think I was wrong to marry this person?"

*that is, smokING is - to me - unattractive, stupid etc. Not smokERS themselves. I'm aware that there are plenty of beautiful intelligent smokers. (Mind you, they don't half pong )

I would deal with it the same way I deal with my teen son who hates washing and sometimes stinks the house out.

'Son, you stink. This is not fair on me or anyone else who lives here. We do not want to smell it so go have a shower'.

I have also refused to go anywhere with him if he hasn't washed. I simply do not want to be close to someone who stinks of BO.

I really really hope he gets out of it and doesn't become OP's husband. I find it very disrespectful to others in the house and it is just grim. I will not be polite anymore and I would not be polite to an adult I lived with either.

BTW I did instil hygiene habits into my son when he was a child.

All the people going "God, I'd never marry a man who smelled!" - so all your partners were perfect and you didn't have to overlook any faults before walking down the aisle?

Well yes, he has faults. I wouldn't overlook disrespect though. And that is exactly what this is. If you have been told you have a BO problem and you still don't wash like you should you simply don't care about the other people around you who have to smell you. Medical issues excluded of course.

^^ U2 has it there.
My DF had this issue with her boyfriend, his arse stank, he actually couldn't wipe his own arse correctly, he would leave hideously dirty pants in with the rest of the washing etc.
He had just never been shown properly - however he was in his 40's before they got together
She's chipped away at him and he's much better now but her last partner was rightly scrupulously clean so she struggled. It was only when she told him it really was making her question the relationship that he made any effort. I think because his family are the same, he thought she was just making a giant fuss.

I wouldn't overlook disrespect though. And that is exactly what this is.

Right. Which is why the OP is looking for ways to address it. Just because she wants to do it in a civil way it doesn't mean she doesn't find it objectionable.
FWIW (and at risk of harping on about it), surely smoking is much more disrespectful than having BO - it smells, compromises the health of the entire household, and risks leaving your spouse a full-time carer for you or an early widow. That's pretty selfish/disrespectful. Ditto having an unhealthy diet if you end up with diabetes. But if someone posted a thread going "How can I make my DH stop smoking / stop eating cakes?" it wouldn't generate the same level of shock and disgust that this thread has. (Or if it did, it would be directed at the OP for being controlling, not at her DH.) So it's not totally about respect, is it?

Right. Which is why the OP is looking for ways to address it. Just because she wants to do it in a civil way it doesn't mean she doesn't find it objectionable.

Except she has tried being civil hasn't she? Well, I assume she has as she said she has told him he smells before. If she has told him he has a problem and she would like it if he washes more and uses deodorant and he hasn't changed his ways then bluntness it has to be. Of course she finds it objectionable, she wouldn't have posted if she didn't.

FWIW (and at risk of harping on about it), surely smoking is much more disrespectful than having BO - it smells, compromises the health of the entire household, and risks leaving your spouse a full-time carer for you or an early widow. That's pretty selfish/disrespectful. Ditto having an unhealthy diet if you end up with diabetes. But if someone posted a thread going "How can I make my DH stop smoking / stop eating cakes?" it wouldn't generate the same level of shock and disgust that this thread has. (Or if it did, it would be directed at the OP for being controlling, not at her DH.) So it's not totally about respect, is it?

Smoking can be disrespectful yes. But again, I would imagine that anyone who thinks that way about smoking wouldn't marry a smoker?

I would have no issues with someone posting a thread asking how to deal with a husband who is eating so badly he is at risk of leaving her a widow much sooner than she should be.

Different people post on different threads as you know. You don't know how anyone who has posted here would respond to your other hypothetical posts.

I do see a slight difference between smoking and eating crap though. Smoking is an addiction. Eating crap might or might not be another form of an addiction and these things are often much harder to give up. It's not comparable to just jumping in the shower and having a quick wash and sticking on some roll on. If there is severe depression at play and his lack of hygiene is related to that I wouldn't suggest bluntness obviously. But what we have here is a man who is just too lazy to wash as much as he needs to and put on deodorant because he simply doesn't like it. He takes umbrage when OP tells him he needs to shower after exercise. I think the time for doing nicely nicely has long gone.

Different people post on different threads as you know. You don't know how anyone who has posted here would respond to your other hypothetical posts.

Fair point.

I think my post was more in response to the general "urgh, I can't BELIEVE anyone would marry such a vile person as your DH.
What were you thinking, OP?!" tone to some of the responses in this thread, which seem like a bit of an overreaction to me given the things some people put up with from their partners. Perhaps it was inappropriate to quote your post U2, as that made it seem like my entire comment was directed at you personally - apologies.

I couldn't over look someone having bo as the norm, no, I couldn't be intimately involved with him. There is many faults I could over look and many faults I couldn't and smelling bad habitually is one i could not over look and accept.

That's fine. Nothing to apologise for, I knew you weren't directing your entire comments to just me :)

I told him yesterday "you have a Body Odour problem. Please shower and change" and he did. He also showered as soon as he had come in from hill walki g today . So presumably my forthright but polite reminder has worked.

DH showers every morning so no he isnt pongy in general.

@limon Get him this for his underarm and tell him to use it. It really will stop underarm sweat (although not bodily smell). It is a life changer. www.superdrug.com/Sure/Sure-Men-Maximum-Protection-Fresh-Scent-Cream-Deodorant-45ml/p/532991 (it is currently on sale too and free delivery if you sign up to their Health & BeautyCard for free).

He needs some anti perspirant deodorant.
Tell him he needs to start using it as it's not nice for his workmates or you when he stinks.

I'm not really into forcing him to use anti perspirant - thats his personal choice.

Well,it's his personal choice to shower also then,isn't it?

I told him yesterday "you have a Body Odour problem. Please shower and change" and he did. He also showered as soon as he had come in from hill walki g today . So presumably my forthright but polite reminder has worked.

That's great. Sorted then.

You said he takes umbrage when you remind him to shower and it pisses you off that you have to remind a grown man to wash. Clearly in the past you have reminded him and he hasn't changed his ways.

I hope you wont have to remind him again because it would be a huge turn off for me having to remind my husband to shower when he smells.

limon I'm afraid you will have to tell him and keep telling him. It's not your 'job', but I'm sure you don't want to have to put up with his smell. I grew up with a smelly dad and in my teens I told him he smelled. He denied it but my brother backed me up. He stomped off for a shower. Things improved a bit after that. I'd tell your OH he should shower every day whether he thinks he needs it or not. 'Too tired' is no excuse. A shower takes 10 minutes and you sleep better after one.

A shower wakes me right up.

I sleep better after having a bath though.

Does he have a reason for not wanting to use deodorant? There are lots out there if he has some worries about chemicals/ethics/sensitivity

sabine he showers every day already

I can't really fathom out why he wouldn't use deodorant??
Without any physical exertion, the average person can be a bit sweaty during the day and there's a definite smell that would be noticed by others?
Sorry, but the body odour smell really isn't helped by a lack of deodorant and a daily shower isn't enough to cover the whole day, especially if you're playing sports etc.

super not everyone does use it.

H

If you don't use it ,you will smell. Very few people ime shower enough to keep on top of sweating. They think they don't smell but ime they do. There are natural alternatives such as Pitrock but to work you still have to shower frequently. Unless you shower twice a day and are meticulous about changing clothes you need to use some sort of deodorant.

Your dh clearly isn't meticulous therefore needs to use something.