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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBXH's GF calling the shots.

40 replies

TeenageDirtBags · 29/07/2017 16:00

I've posted before and got flamed for not being keen on helping my divorce go quicker. Took your advice and made an appt at the solicitors and got things moving so thanks. I feel much better.

On a separate issue, I've just had a conversation with STBXH. He's having the kids more over the summer hols so I can work a few more hours and because he wants to. His GF is living with him and he's asked that the kids come back to me for one night so she can have a break!!!! He's having them every 2nd week for the hols.

I've told him she chose him knowing he had kids and so it's her problem. AIBU does she have a point? They're not her kids and I'm not sure how I'd cope with a fella with kids?

OP posts:
Silverthorn · 29/07/2017 16:01

Not your problem really is it? It's his. Do what is best for the kids and for you.

stella23 · 29/07/2017 16:01

Stick to what you've agreed with you ex, nothing to do with her

stella23 · 29/07/2017 16:02

Also is she looking after them? Or has he taken time off?

Original poster
TeenageDirtBags · 29/07/2017 16:04

The kids are old enough to look after themselves as both of the adults are working during the day. He's asked that I have them back for a bit so if is affecting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenageDirtBags · 29/07/2017 16:04

He wants to change the arrangements.

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 29/07/2017 16:06

Stand firm. He's a dad. His priority must be his kids - if his gf can't cope he should end the relatipnship.

KurriKurri · 29/07/2017 16:13

If she wants a break, he has to provide it somehow, not you (i.e by looking after them by himself, taking them away somewhere whatever).

I daresay she may not like looking after someone else's children - that's not necessarily unreasonable of her, but it's his problem to sort not yours.

Crunchymum · 29/07/2017 16:16

So he wants to send kids home one night during the week he is meant to have them?

thepastisinthepast · 29/07/2017 16:17

Will he be there that night or will he be working?

KurriKurri · 29/07/2017 16:18

Oh and I wouldn't necessarily assume she is calling the shots. I imagine she said she wanted a break from them, and he decided to ask you - so that he doesn't have to take up the slack. It wasn't necessarily the GF who suggested you should have them.
Or he is worried that she may feel imposed upon and leave him rather than her actually saying that. Again - not your problem.

SpartacusSaiman · 29/07/2017 16:20

I would point out that he is a parent and this is his contact week. She gets a break when the kids come back to yours next week.

I would struggle looking after someone elses kids for a week. Thats why i woildnt date and move in with someone who had kids.

What happens if your kids (i hope this doesnt happen) decide they want to live with him full time? How will she cope having them 12 days out of 14?

I dont get people who meet someone with kids, move in and then decide they don't really like having the kids around.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/07/2017 16:29

"Sure stbxh. That sounds a great idea! Which night will you and gf be taking them during my contact week so I can have my break?"

IrishNameThreadNameChange · 29/07/2017 16:32

Why can't she go somewhere else if she needs a break? Confused you don't walk into someone's family, decide you're not keen on spending so much time with them and ask them to leave their home! That's absurd!

BeepBeepMOVE · 29/07/2017 16:34

Can't she go stay with a mate or your ex should arrange kids to go to his family or a sleepover somewhere. It's not your problem.

BabsGanoush · 29/07/2017 16:37

No, because it will be confusing for the children. He will have to arrange for them to go to his mother's for the night GF wants off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2017 16:38

She gets a break from them EOW. And she doesn't get to call the shots. If your children are happy, that's all that matters. And she can go back to her house or a friend/hotel/family if they live together.

pictish · 29/07/2017 16:45

I don't think she's being unreasonable in wanting a break but it's certainly nothing to do with you.

On the other hand, if you should ever require him to step in at short notice/so you can do something else/to give you a break he'll send you packing.
Maybe you could negotiate a favour in return?

WashingMatilda · 29/07/2017 16:47

Glad you've decided to get a move on with the divorce and you've seen sense.

I'm a Stepmum and I would never do this, but agree with a pp that it may not be her actually asking. Either way, that's his and her problem. I sometimes feel I need a little break and go to a friends or pop out for the night. My DH has no problems with this.
Anything I do for the children are a bonus, not an obligation.
If your STBXH was single he'd have to do it all himself.
I think a lot of it does depend on whether she is having them full time while he's at work, but as you've said they are both adults then I don't see that being an issue either.
It's a thankless task being a SM at times, but this is very unreasonable of both of them.

mustresistwine · 29/07/2017 16:48

I live with an 8 year old dss 50% of the time (week on/week off) and at times I feel in need of a break!

But I just arrange to see friends or go out and do something I enjoy and leave DP and dss to it...

Suggesting the dc come back to yours for one night is disruptive & unnecessary, but are you sure it's not your ex behind it rather than the gf?

Afterthestorm · 29/07/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brazenhussy0 · 29/07/2017 17:00

On the other hand, if you should ever require him to step in at short notice/so you can do something else/to give you a break he'll send you packing.
Maybe you could negotiate a favour in return?

This^

I’m a stepmum. It’s fucking hard being around someone else’s kids for an extended period. Really. Especially if it’s the stepmum who does all the donkey work as is usually the case. Cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, tidying up etc.
It’s easy to end up feeling overwhelmed and like you need a little space to breathe. I can imagine she probably does need a break.
However, it isn’t your problem. It’s your ex’s problem to solve.

It would be nice of you to help them out and it’d probably come in handy for any future favours you may need from them. But you’re not obliged to.

Brazenhussy0 · 29/07/2017 17:03

Also, it really doesn't sound like the GF is calling the shots... She just needs a break and your ex has decided the best way to deal with that is to change arrangements with you.

The GF isn't the problem here.

diddl · 29/07/2017 17:04

He's having them for half of the summer hols-a week at a time?

That's hardly full on, is it?

Can she not just go to another room or something or he takes the out?

Unless he will be at work or they won't leave her alone it's hard to see how she needs a break tbh.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/07/2017 17:06

TBH I'd imagine looking after (as in feeding, cleaning up after, refereeing between) two teenagers when you have no DCs of your own could be rather overwhelming!

Do your DCs like/respect their dad's GF do you know? Are they likely to be giving her some teenage attitude?

However, while I do understand why ex's GF might be feeling it's all a bit much, I completely agree that it is your ex's problem to sort. If he is leaving her to cook for, clean up after etc. etc. the DCs, then he needs to step up and either do it himself or make sure the DCs do it themselves.

Likewise, if they are being difficult or disrespectful to her, making lots of noise or whatever he has to be the one to tackle this with them. Even if he has to book a couple of days off work & take the DCs away somewhere to give his GF a "break".

But no, not your problem. Not unless things are really unpleasant there and the DCs ask to come home.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/07/2017 17:22

So he's having them week on, week off? And in that 7 day period, his girlfriend wants a break? Confused

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