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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do you think some men change after a baby is born?

73 replies

HemmieH · 28/07/2017 15:21

Or show their true colours?
I'm feeling a bit all over the place today as STBXH is moving his stuff out of our house. I'm mourning what I thought our life was going to be.
We had been married five years so you think you know somebody. But after the baby was born all we did was argue. He seemed to become a different person. He had crazy high expectations of what I should get done in the day and seemed to resent me not being at work. He became very critical of everything me or my family did (They weren't imo over involved, my mum would come over to hold the baby ect once or twice a week while I showered or take her for a walk so I could have a nap).
He was totally disinterested in anything I said to him and never made conversation or acted attracted to me. He would do things with the baby and seemed to really enjoy her, just not me.
I'm sorry this is a ramble. I've had a very upsetting few months I was just wondereirng if anyone else had ben in a similar situation?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 28/07/2017 15:26

I've known some women change after having a baby too so that they almost become a different person.

I think most men who change after having a baby were tossers previously, you just didn't notice because it came out in different ways.

ohamIreally · 28/07/2017 15:27

Yes and I had been married 10 years and went back to work after 5 months and it still happened. It's like they time travel to the 1950's and don't see you as a person anymore

KimmySchmidt1 · 28/07/2017 15:33

God knows what's in their heads. Did it not all come out during marriage counselling?

ApocalypseNowt · 28/07/2017 15:33

I think it's more than woman change (necessarily so) and men often want to carry on as they were. The only way they'd be able to do this if you didn't say anything and ran around like a 50's housewife. Which you don't want to (understandably so).

VestalVirgin · 28/07/2017 15:35

Men becoming abusive (showing true colours) after baby is born is a pretty common pattern. Some start during pregnancy, some when a child is born. It is because then you are more dependent on them and they can behave like they want without you being able to escape (or that is what they think).

Original poster

HemmieH · 28/07/2017 15:36

Kimmy he's a stone wall. He won't tell me (or anyone else) what's going on in his head.

OP posts:

redlipstik · 28/07/2017 15:41

Watching this thread with interest. Sorry you are going through this op

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2017 15:41

Loads of reasons.

Kindly, a baby throws a bomb into a relationship, makes everyone tired and dependent in a way they weren't before. Constricted and with few reserves. Some people cope and some don't. Women have 9 months to prepare.

Unkindly, controlling men are waiting for the chance to have a woman dependent. They have a sexist, hateful view of roles and treat women as if they can only be a Madonna or whore. They think women should do everything in the house and with the child and they think they are in charge. They think money buys women.

AmyGardner · 28/07/2017 15:42

I think men always know they have an escape route, whereas very few women consider that they might leave. So women get their shit together and some men think it looks too much like hard work, and move on so they can pretend they are 23 again.

IcingandSlicing · 28/07/2017 19:20

It's the stress we face as parents. Nothing prepares a young person for the stress and responsibility they'll have being parents - the bit of thinking about the kids first and not yourself, let alone the other person in the relationship. And it all falls on mothers - we are expected to be perfect mothers, perfect wives to our other halves, perfect employee, perfect cooks and cleaners, perfect childminders and all in the same time, in the same day. There are no days off.
So if we decide to demand the same from the other half because it is not possible one person to do all that all the time, and throw in the money squeezing realities if new parents and the lack of time to spend time as a couple and there you go.
Not only men change, women also change after birth, same sex couples also separate after a child is born.
It must be the change in the dynamic of everyday life to which we are not prepared at all.
Sorry for what you're going through!

TheTombstonesMove · 28/07/2017 19:25

I think it's the psychological knowledge that they have an escape route a PP mentioned. Having a baby is hard especially your first, and I think some men just don't strive to adjust and cop out. Whereas many many fewer women get to a stage where they walk out and leave their child.

SeamusMacDubh · 28/07/2017 19:40

My DM has said to me on many occasions that for some men, if they don't want a baby to change how they live their lives, it won't. So if they still want to go to work, have drinks with mates and then come home and play XBOX for hours and do sweet FA at home, they will.

Some men also have the attitude of "my job is I go to work and earn the money, your job is everything else" (my 'D'H has this attitude and I'll be honest, I'm planning on divorcing him in 2-3 years unless something big happens to force my hand to doing it earlier). The other day, my H was moaning about having to be around myself and the kids and going to the tip on his day off so I asked when I got a day off (Never, is the actual answer) and he told me I was selfish

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 19:48

I think often these weren't great marriages anyway, that having a baby just highlights the existing cracks. The guy who always insists on you growing your hair or wearing your clothes/makeup in a certain way etc, is probably going to be the guy who'll try to control you when you get pregnant too. The overriding moral of this is to always trust your gut instinct.

dietcokeandwine · 28/07/2017 19:51

Because some blokes are at heart selfish, misogynistic and abusive and having a baby pushes those tendencies to the fore.

There are many many men who adapt to parenthood without becoming an utter twat about it, but those tend to be men who weren't utter twats to start with.

Unfortunately I think the ones who become nasty, misogynistic controlling arse holes once a baby arrives were always nasty and controlling and misogynistic, it's just they either found it easier to hide those tendencies, or their partner for whatever reason simply didn't notice those tendencies until it was too late.

I also think they copy the fathers they themselves have had so if your partner's father is a fuckwit, chances are your partner could turn out to be a fuckwit too. Sadly.

Trills · 28/07/2017 19:54

People don't really change after a baby, their lives change and so they behave differently because they are in different circumstances.

Babies deprive you of sleep, they force you to do many many repetitive boring tasks, and they don't even give you any positive feedback in the first few months.

You are doing something that you've never done before, with very high expectations of "enjoyment" and of "being good at it" and of "doing it right", and it's almost impossible to discuss every detail in advance or know what you will want/like before you take the plunge.

It's almost surprising that so many marriages do survive this, and that so few babies are left on the doorstep of the local nunnery.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2017 20:13

Good men change for the better, shit men just show their true colours more clearly. I have a feeling that if a woman really gets honest with herself, she would recognise the warning signs before they had kids.

Wonders71 · 28/07/2017 20:18

Because some men cant stand it that they are not centre of attention anymore!

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/07/2017 20:22

Because deep down many are selfish misogynistic fuckers who don't like not being the centre of attention.

I thought I was happily married to a good many for donkeys years. Kids come along and he morphs into an abusive controlling deadbeat.

They show their true colours after kids.

Fairylea · 28/07/2017 20:24

My ex changed but I think I did as well. I was less willing to bend over backwards to try and make him happy - as dd was my focus rather than him- and so he became even more miserable and grumpy and so it went on. I was with him for 5 years before we had dd and I left when she was 6 months old. That says it all really!

Ditsy1980 · 28/07/2017 20:32

Sometimes it's jealousy. My exh changed but the longer we've been apart the more I realised he'd always been like that.
Very controlling. All that "me and you against the world" crap he told me wasn't love, it was isolating me from my friends.
I think he actually couldn't handle that he was no longer the centre of my world, that DD came before him and always would. And the more I saw how unreasonable he was regarding DD made me realise how unreasonable he was.
I was with him for 8 years, 5 married, and I made the decision to leave when DD was only 3 weeks old. It took me a bit longer to actually leave but I had a very clear "I'll leave you when I'm strong enough" moment when she was that young.

SpartacusSaiman · 28/07/2017 20:42

Taking out abuse.

I think the issue can be that they dont change. They expect life to carry on as before. Or they were twunts before but its not been as much of an issue until you have a baby to care of.

WiganPierre · 28/07/2017 20:43

I do think a lot of men are indifferent about having kids, or don't really want them, but go along with what their wife wants. When it arrives, they are unhappy with their life and want to be carefree again. Some get over that, some don't.

justmatureenough2bdad · 28/07/2017 20:43

everyone changes in stressful circumstances. its not specific to men. just as many men settle down or in fact just carry on being supportive helpful and emotionally robust. its wildly generalistic to talk about all men "showing their true colours..."

also the pp talking about olanning ti divorce their partner in 2-3 years comes across as extremely mercenery and devious.... did that happen because they had a baby?

BMacklin · 28/07/2017 20:50

Yes women change too. But of course they do! They've just had a baby! They're exhausted! But any partner should understand that and try to minimise that by helping and talking and working through issues. Unfortunately some can't or won't and it's far easier to emotionally (and perhaps eventually physically) check out.

justmatureenough2bdad · 28/07/2017 21:00

i suppose youve really backed up my point... it is completely expected that women change after having a baby. it is just as logical that men will too... and may well be exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to hold it together at work and for their partner (as appears to be a societal expectation) and although it shouldnt be conpetetive, it always seems to be the expectation ( on mn anyway) that the mother's exhaustion and changes trump the fathers...

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