Why do you think some men change after a baby is born?

[HemmieH]

Or show their true colours?
I'm feeling a bit all over the place today as STBXH is moving his stuff out of our house. I'm mourning what I thought our life was going to be.
We had been married five years so you think you know somebody. But after the baby was born all we did was argue. He seemed to become a different person. He had crazy high expectations of what I should get done in the day and seemed to resent me not being at work. He became very critical of everything me or my family did (They weren't imo over involved, my mum would come over to hold the baby ect once or twice a week while I showered or take her for a walk so I could have a nap).
He was totally disinterested in anything I said to him and never made conversation or acted attracted to me. He would do things with the baby and seemed to really enjoy her, just not me.
I'm sorry this is a ramble. I've had a very upsetting few months I was just wondereirng if anyone else had ben in a similar situation?

Oh, and the only person who let on that they noticed our relationship was under pressure and gave advice was DH's best friend - a real blokey bloke with a heart of gold.

He had his DS while a teenager and said something like "look, it's really easy to resent each other, you probably think Blurry has had it easy because she's been with the baby all day but that's really hard too, she's probably jealous that you've been away from the baby and talking to adults all day while you've been at work. You need to see where you're both coming from".

a member of my family said her ex really changed after their son was born - he was always a drinker, this became worse and he couldnt tolerate any crying or any disruption at all.
He was 100 percent selfish and they have both been better without him around, sad to say. He does see his son now he is nearly 11 and much more 'fun'! maybe men can only handle them when they are older? some men anyway.

blurry I always think thats good advice. Both sides often think the other has it easier.

I have been a sahm and worked. Didnt find either eaiser. Both bloody hard. Just in difderent ways.

I'm not sure if they change or whether it's that they don't change! In my case, I grew up v quickly when I found out I was pregnant at 22. All the parting stopped and I suddenly had to take responsibly for another person. My ex P however didn't step up and wanted to carry on as if he was a child free single with no responsibilities

My husband admits that he has found the newborn stage of both of our children incredibly hard for several reasons. 1. It's all alien, he doesn't know what he is doing and he questions and second guesses everything. Whereas I get on with it, seeming to him, to be confident in what I'm doing. (I'm not, I'm just acting on instinct). 2. He is terrified the baby will die. This was worse with dd2 than dd1, she was born with the cord around her neck and had to be given oxygen to start her breathing, but he frets continually about SIDS. He woke my babies up serval times by poking them to check they were breathing. You can imagine the rows that caused when sleep deprived. 3. He struggles with me breastfeeding. He felt like it removed him completely from the baby and he hated not being able to be more hands on. He accepted my choice to feed and never said anything, this came out afterward when we had some counciling. 4. He struggled with the fact that he was no longer number 1. In those first few months there was very, very little sex and intimacy suffered too. We didn't sit and cuddle watching a film anymore. I held the baby, or he held the baby and I slept. He felt jealous and a bit pushed out. 5. He felt hugely guilty for all of the above feelings, which made him feel angry.
We've worked through all of these issues twice. I know some people will be outraged at what I've written above, but he owned his feelings, accepted that they were wrong and worked on himself. 15 years, two children, one mmc, an emotional affair (his) after the mmc and the loss of several family members have all rocked my marriage. It is never easy. I ended it after the emotional affair and he begged me to go to counciling. I only went to with him to try and facilitate a break up that would allow us to become co parents. Counciling helped me to see what my marriage had become. I'm not sure when it happened, but slowly we realised we had something salvageable (I don't think this would have been the case if it had been a physical affair, or if the whole thing had lasted longer than a couple of weeks). I do think people change after kids, I know I did and so did he. If you want some answers to your questions in your op, I'd suggest counciling of he is amenable. Good luck, op.

very honest there from whatersname - i think that a lot of couples have problems when they have children - it can manifest itself in many different ways i suppose and some manage to cling on and some just end up splitting up. Its very sad, but i have seen it so often myself.
Even people i know who have had lots and lots of help from mums and family and friends couldnt manage that well either. Not sure what the answer is - women are just more 'programmed' to have children maybe? although i do know a few that never had any and dont regret it at all - they are very happy!

also the pp talking about olanning ti divorce their partner in 2-3 years comes across as extremely mercenery and devious.

Too fucking right. It's also smart, self-preservative and likely allows her to ensure her children have the best life possible. When someone is in an abusive situation, and mental/emotional abuse is abuse, taking their time and carefully plotting their escape often ensures they end up in a better situation long term.

JustMature I specifically said some.

A baby changes everything. It is visceral in the emotions you feel.

Some men, not all, feel that their sex partner is forever changed. The amount of time you spend with a new born is just exhausting, but most parents are happy with this. Some are not.

I understand the point about the mum not working. DH found it impossible to grasp that I wasn't just sitting around drinking tea and having a jolly all the time! But it was always clear that I would be returning to work 4 months after DD was born so it was minimum time I wasn't, in his eyes, contributing.

Writerwannabe83, I was shocked reading what you put about your friend- apart from not being together 10 years, ( I'm not sure we'd make it that long tbh unless he changes!) and being married, her story is identical to mine. Plus mine is stingy with money and as I'm on extended maternity leave he has the power to moan about me asking for financial help,, I pay all bills and he pays the mortgage. I feel very stuck!!
Sorry OP for jumping on your thread, I've been following it with sadness, that some men go like this.

A lot of these kind of men grew up watching their mother looking after the kids, almost completely by themselves, as well looking after the man and house etc- and this was expected from her, without question.. Whilst the man, would work, but that was it, he did nothing else in the home. So this is what often happens when baby is born - the expectation that we will automatically fall into those stereo typical gender roles, which of course are very unequal. Shockingly, when my first child was born, my partner and i fell into these roles. At first, I did not question this and got on with it, but very soon realised, how exhausting and unfair the whole set up was. Our first was quite a tricky baby and I would be up every couple of hours a night. This went on for over a year. I also had the baby blues, but I still was expected to look after the house, cook the meals etc. Whilst my DH, for at least the first 6-8 months would organise nights out with his friends, sometimes only turning up the next morning. It was rough. We had so many fights over this. That first year turned me into a total feminist! I couldn't believe how he was behaving. I felt like a total door mat. I was exhausted and felt completely alone. After much fighting, he started to come round and began to behave more normally, and not expect me to act like his subservient 1950's house wife. There are still moments, but he is a super dad and a good partner and we have both grown up.

I think some women let their desire for a baby blind them to a bad relationship. Their partner is indifferent, even hostile to the idea of children but they want a kid so badly they overlook that and then the resentment starts. I have seen this happen a few times.

And it's true what pp said about how some men don't want their lives to change and don't adapt so well to not being carefree and not coming first with their partner anymore.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm saying SOME men, obviously some men are great fathers (or at least good enough fathers) and this does not apply to them.

ChilliMary your story gives me hope.

We had what I thought were normal 'ups and downs' before our DS was born. I realise now I was glimpsing my XDP true personality. Even during my pregnancy I was the one climbing stepladders trying to finish the decorating (we had an extension built whilst I was pregnant as it was cheaper than moving) because I had started maternity leave so wasn't working. My ex sat in another room with his Xbox. I didn't receive any acknowledgement for a significant birthday as I only worked part time. I could go on. We lasted9 years after the birth before I had enough, realising his behaviour towards me was probably damaging our son too. I received no maintenance from him, as his money was his. He now see's our son once ever 6 weeks or so for a meal.

I keep thinking back to this thread and can't believe so many men change in a negative way after having a baby. Can anyone give any hope and have a DP or DH that came out of the other side and magically transformed back to the loving partner they had pre pregnancy/baby?

I have a strong stable relationship that was well established long before pregnancy.

Even so, the pregnancy affected my life within weeks. He grasped that I felt tired and sicky, but didn't fully grasp how much a few months of total exhaustion and barely being able to eat makes you feel. We've always been good at talking issues over, but we did have the "other people's pregnancies" row when I was 17 weeks and apparently should have been feeling OK. The reality was that the first trimester was only just wearing off and being replaced by what later turned out to be SPD that had me close to housebound by the last month. As the pregnancy got more visible and I was obviously struggling to waddle around with several stones protruding from my abdomen, he found it easier to adapt to me not being my usual self.

Likewise, in the early baby stages he was involved. It was obvious that I was struggling with physical recovery from birth and the constant demands of a young baby. There was a minor wobble when DS was 1 and DH had adjusted to being undisturbed as I crept out of bed for night feeds, and chronically sleep deprived since pregnancy. A letter and discussion did a lot of good. I remember him telling people that baby slept through when he woke 2-3 times a night as DH slept through oblivious! When he was alone with DS, he could fudge leaving him be for a while to get on with something like cleaning the kitchen, but the reality of being at home with a small child all the time is that they need much more input and what he experienced wasn't representative. Funnily, on the return of my first weekend away from 2 DCs, I walked in to find him sprawled on a devastated lounge floor, under a blanket being swarmed on by both DCs. That weekend was an epiphany for him

I can well understand how rapidly a relationship can deteriorate when the man is expecting his normality to continue, is possessive or spoilt. Added to that a change in a women's priorities and the impacts of physical changes and chronic tiredness, and it's easy to see how the cracks can show up in a relationship and how many break down.

I agree that the problem is where parents don't adapt to the changes.
You can't carry on as you did before.
My ex h didn't adapt well, he thought he was still ok to come in from work and then go out drinking leaving me alone with a fractuos baby.
No matter how much I asked him to stay and help he kept to the same schedule.
Anyhow a baby is life changing and I don't think this point is laboured enough.

So Ive been in a relationship for over a year had my second baby and personally I didn't think there was anything wrong 😔 but after the baby was born we argued a little and I suggested us to have a few days apart from each other and now he's in another relationship

Because they know they have the power. The woman is physically weakened by pregnancy and birth, and is responsible for a new human being who requires care 24/7/365, which will impact her ability to protect herself, work, everything. Pregnancy and childbirth make women vulnerable.

I think that the way society treats mothers is part of it also. I remember how differently I was treated by other people (doctors, nurses, randomers, everyone) after I got pregnant, and then it changed again (i.e. became worse) after I had my baby. Completely random people felt entitled to make comments on my body, tell me what to do, and all sorts. And after I had the baby it got so much worse. I remember laying in the hospital bed, paralyzed from the waist down (C-section) and the nurse telling me to change the baby's diaper (which was impossible, as I couldn't feel my legs and therefore could not get out of bed to get the baby) while my husband was standing right next to her. As far as the hospital staff were concerned, the baby was completely my problem and my husband was free to wander off and live his life. It was as if I had been magically transported back to the 1950s. New mothers are the lowest of the low. Everything that goes wrong is their fault, people talk down to them, criticise them, judge them. This sends a message to fathers that it's ok to treat the mother poorly and that the mother is probably the cause if anything goes wrong.

I think religion also plays a part. I am pretty religious but I do think that many men, when their partner has a baby, suddenly become religious, but ONLY in the part of religion where women are supposed to submit to men. They don't really remember anything else, just that part.

Just my opinion.

I changed after our first

I suddenly felt a huge amount of pressure that there's now a baby that totally relies on my earnings. I became paranoid that I would lose my job and I wouldn't be able to support my family. I started working late and through my breaks. Not to avoid the home, but to ensure I would still be providing. I was so scared that I'd let my wife down

Picking up on something @SeamusMacDubh said about how if men don’t want their lives to change, they won’t: I think the state of parental leave is part of this. Many men go back to work after 2 weeks paternity leave and just pick up their pre-child life. When you’re at work you can leave your identity as a parent at home if you want to, but as mothers are on maternity leave they inevitably have to adjust to their new role much faster and put someone else’s needs first.

I think this can be when the default parent stuff sets in; given the cost and availability of childcare in the UK it’s not financially possible for many women to return to work when they have preschool age children, so that cements those gender roles. Without tackling the provision of parental leave and childcare it seems unlikely that this would improve.

It's a zombie thread , but I agree with the posters below that men tend to have it easier if they return to work. It's a general opinion, but it's how it seems to pan out