Can't afford the holiday someone else has booked for us, they lose money if we don't go.

[Beetop]

NC

Long story but close family member wanted us to come on holiday with them as they didn't want to go alone and they were trying to be nice and give us a holiday when they know we can't afford one and I am greatly appreciative. They definately know how skint we are. I do work but am a single parent with children including a child with SN.

They had mentioned it and I had said that I needed time to save if we were going to come however they booked the holiday to go twelve weeks from the date it was first mentioned. We were already booked on a weekend away in a UK caravan in June so had had to save up for that.

Firstly dc passports had run out so that's been around sixty pound each with check and send. I've been diagnosed with a health condition which has rocketed my insurance.

Then I've found out they have booked a hotel for the night before. We are actually not far from the airport but don't drive and they have booked a very early flight, they have also booked a meal at a restaurant. Then two lots of train fare and an extra night in the Kennels for the dog as we are going to the airport a day early (their dog is staying with other family so no cost for them but ours will need to go in kennels)
The kennels are £15 a night times by 7 nights of the holiday plus two extra nights because hotel near airport before and after holiday.

We are looking at roughly £160 plus before we even get on the plane.

Then the resort they have chosen does not have cooking facilities or a fridge or tea making facilities so we are reliant on eating out for every meal. If we go away I will normally do a supermarket shop but we can't do that.

It's not got any kids activities so I'm going to need to pay for stuff for the kids to do as it is not child friendly.

Then when we get back five days before the start of school I will have all the costs associated with that and absolutely no money. I'm massively stressed about it. I've raised it with them and they keep saying oh don't worry about it it will be fine but that's easy to say when you have the money to go and I don't want to be reliant on others and frightened of doing anything while there.

It's caused upset with me and the kids as they aren't stupid and know I am stressed about it.

So more of a wwyd really as I'm making myself ill worrying about it.

Don't believe the sunk costs fallacy!

Your relative booked the holiday without speaking to you, the resort is inappropriate, the extra hotel and meal at the start is inconvenient, the lack of self catering facilities is not helpful at all. I would be polite but bow out now.

Yes you could buy lunches every day from local shops but it'll still add up and be a pain in the butt for you. Plus dinners will still cost significantly.

If you spend the holiday at a non child friendly resort you'll never be able to relax.

It was a nice gesture but they really should have thought it through more.

If you do go, don't be pressured into trips that are expensive and you don't want to go on.

Sit down with them and talk to them. Be kind and honest. I suspect that they may be paying for more than you think, but you need to be clear with them about what you can and can't afford. I'd be horrified if I thought I was doing something nice for someone but in reality was causing them a huge amount of stress. If they care about you (and they obviously do) they will be understanding and helpful. Have the conversation. Either way, you will feel much better afterwards.

☝️ what they said!

I find it quite weird that this holiday has just been booked without any consultation with you, did you stipulate anything about it being self catering or having kids facilities when you discussed this?

If the hotel has got a pool I don't think you can complain there's nothing for your kids to do, as there is. I never went to a kids club as a kid and always just amused self by the pool. The bus fare to the beach shouldn't be that expensive.

I get that not having self catering facilities makes it more expensive but if there is a shop near enough by you could still get fresh stuff every day for sandwiches for lunch then one meal out a day?

Same with meal night before the flight, just have your main meal at lunchtime before you go then just bring snacks for the evening?

I think you'll have to discuss concerns about costs with family member, say you didn't have time to save up for it, you think you'll need a budget of £x for food, dog kennels and kids entertainment and you don't have it. Would you feel comfortable borrowing the money off family member if they offered to lend to you and pay back in installments? Better than getting a credit card and may be worth it in the long term if it's then a while t til the next holiday.

I think if you just say you can't afford it and not go you'll offend them and probably cause a rift. Obviously they haven't been very communicative about this holiday but equally they may say, well you should have said you needed xyz when we initially discussed it.

you must tell you can't afford it.

I would give her some costs, but in total - I've added up the cost of passports, dog kennels, overnight in hotel and it is xxx pounds before we even leave. I don't have xxx pounds, I even had to borrow 40 pounds when we needed it last month.
Then when we are there we will need to pay for all meals out. We can't afford that for the whole family.

I can't afford it. I did say I needed time to save, and 12 weeks isn't enough time, I just can't afford it. I am not going to go into debt for it. I have xxx amount saved, and that won't even get us on the plane.

It is so lovely of you to want to do this, but we can't go. It is too expensive for us.

In my experience people really don't understand what it is like to not have any money.
They need it spelling out gently and clearly.

if they are close, can you not be honest with them?

I don't think I'd go under these circumstances. I know it is tough. I have a child with complex SN who has never been on holiday but as guilty as I feel about it, I don't think it is something worth getting into debt about it.

Sounds like you will feel bad either way, not a great start for a holiday.

I don't really understand, if you have to pay for the train fare anyway, you don't have to pay for the hotel also, can't you arrive just for the flight?

It's unusual not to have a fridge, but maybe you can still purchase things like drinks in carton (fruit juice). You really don't need fresh milk. I prefer healthy food, but hey, it's only a week, my kids would love a bit of "camping" in a hotel room.

Have you checked if the holiday place has some kind of transport card? Sometimes it can work out quite cheap to have a family card.

I have never booked any holiday club for any of my kids, I really don't know how that works and what your kids are missing. Is the resort completely isolated? Can you not walk and explore the surroundings? I don't know how old your kids are, and which country you are going to. I wouldn't even advise to spend the entire day on the beach with sandwiches, little ones could burn there so it's not ideal.

I understand the stress, you can't get money out of thin air. Be honest with your family member, and as above. How much would it cost you to stay at home, so how much of that could you spend abroad? (now that you 've already paid for the passports)

I would tell my relative: I have this amount, a spending xxx on school uniforms etc, so I can't do it!

OP I think you are getting more worked up about this that you need to without finding out the exact situation first. You are assuming the worst which is understandable but not helpful.

I know talking about finances and asking for money is embarrassing but it is something you are going to have to do. Call your relative and say you have worked out the costings and it come to x amount which you simply cannot afford right now. Explain that are really grateful and excited about the holiday but you will need them to pay for these extras in order for you to be able to come. Then one of the following 4 things could happen.

a) They have been planning to cover all costs all along so you can relax
b) You come up with a gentle payment plan over the coming months
c) You offer to treat them to an affordable but lovely day out in October half term when you can afford it
d) They say they can't pay and so you don't go on the holiday.

I suspect one of the first three will happen and then you can relax and enjoy the holiday :)
Good luck.

I can't quite figure out if they asked you first or just went ahead and booked it. If the latter then it's surely a much easier conversation.

You need to be honest with them about it ASAP.

I think the relative will be very upset if you pull out - sounds like they wanted company and also if they have a medical condition are maybe frightened about going on their own.

They booked the wrong place for your needs - if they're older that's understandable, they've probably just forgotten that families need to be able to relax and having meals included or ability to self cater makes life more easy.

I can't see why you wouldn't just be straight with them and explain what you can and can't afford. Don't say you just want to relax rather than visit things if that's not the reason. You need to be very straight and tell them what your budget is and either you all come up with a way to work round it or you don't go, but I think just to tell them you aren't going because you can't afford it is a bit of an abrupt way to go.

I think the only way forward is to sit with the relative and clearly explain that you can't afford to go. Explain that when you said you'd need time to save, you meant 6+months not 12 weeks. I would simply say that you think you could save £x before departure, but costs before you even go come to £y and so you won't have the money to feed yourselves when you're there.

They need to understand exactly how much you can't afford it so they don't think you'd just rather spend your money on something else. I think it'd be really important to the frail elderly person to not feel like you were just trying to get out of it, so lay your cards bare.

Good luck. Don't get into debt going on a holiday you can't afford.

Long story but close family member wanted us to come on holiday with them as they didn't want to go alone

They've booked the holiday/resort they want - and are dressing it up as a paid holiday for you and the dc!
They didn't even bother to ensure that it would be child-friendly.
The meal/trips etc - again all booked with only their wants in mind - again no consideration for you or the dc.

family member is elderly and has a medical condition so it wouldn't be fair on any of them should they take ill

So the expectation is that YOU will act as 'carer'?
If they fall ill then YOU would be expected to sort everything out?

You do realise this means that in reality you would not be able to just chill at the beach/resort?
You would be guilt-tripped into taking them places they want to go - afterall they didn't book the holiday to spend it doing things on their own!

This is just pure selfishness disguised as 'generosity'.

I think you should instead advise they book future holidays through a company specializing in packages for elderly people.