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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at my OH for not asking about my interview

29 replies

OBface · 27/07/2017 09:11

To fit around my children I currently work half from home and half in the office which has works out well for our family as I can do the lions sharing of collecting after school, taking to activities etc. with the rest of the care falling to my parents. My job however is pretty hideous (long hours, stress...) but given the flexible working it has taken me a long time to find something else suitable.

I've been in talks with a company for a couple of months now and yesterday met with the founder to get his approval and make sure I can keep to similarly flexible hours in my new role. Basically the whole thing has been a big deal for me as I don't want to risk the status quo we have as a family, even though at times I'm under a lot of stress in my current role.

My husband knows all this and was well aware I had this final interview yesterday morning. I wasn't expecting a call or text asking how it had gone (even though he did manage to message asking about what we were having for dinner in the pm) but I was annoyed when he had failed to mention it when he came home in the evening. After about half an hour he twigged (I was wearing formal clothes I would never normally have on) there was no apology or even any interest.

AIBU to expect better?

OP posts:

Screwinthetuna · 27/07/2017 09:13

YANBU, what a shit

LindyHemming · 27/07/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2017 09:15

Is he normally such an inconsiderate twat?

ImperfectTents · 27/07/2017 09:17

Yes he is an arsehole. How did it go

AuntMarch · 27/07/2017 09:17

You wouldn't be unreasonable TO expect a call. I hope he had a particularly stressful day for it to be anywhere near understandable he would seem so unconcerned

ShatnersWig · 27/07/2017 09:18

He could have done better.

When I was 14 I got home from school excited to tell my mum about an exam result. As I started to tell her she said "There's a Saturday job at the paper shop, give them a ring". "OK, but I want to tell you about...." "You can tell me later, you need to ring the paper shop".

The paper shop would have been open for another hour.

People can just be rubbish at times.

Bluerose27 · 27/07/2017 09:19

On one hand yes he should have asked most definitely.

On the other hand I sometimes completely forget to ask my DH important things. It's not I don't care, it's that I genuinely forget and then I feel really bad.

Was it an oversight or a general trend OP?

Original poster

OBface · 27/07/2017 09:46

I do think he genuinely forgot. As he quite often does with other things (wouldn't enquire after a hospital appointment etc.).

But that sort of is my gripe. He manages to remember to sort things with his friends, why can't he be bothered to remember things that are important to me/our family?

OP posts:

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 27/07/2017 10:16

I think that's really rubbish, given how important this was.

bigsighall · 27/07/2017 10:24

People forget stuff. I forget stuff all the time. If it was just him genuinely forgetting then you need to move on

Original poster

OBface · 27/07/2017 10:48

Importantents - well thanks for asking! I managed to negotiate what I want

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 27/07/2017 11:51

Well I'm going to take a different view and say that it doesn't sound from your post like a big interview. It is to you obviously, but maybe to him it's not because, as you say, you've "been in talks for a couple of months". That's not, to me, an important one-off interview where you get the job or not. It's a final discussion to agree the detail - important to you because you want to keep the status quo, but to him it's just dotting the i's and crossing the t's. If he's assuming that it'll work out fine then he could easily forget to ask (or assume that if it's that important you'll actually bring it up yourself!) I don't think it's that big a deal. (But no doubt others will say how selfish he is, ask if he has any redeeming features and suggest you LTB in true Mumsnet form!)

Original poster

OBface · 27/07/2017 12:03

No this was the interview where I was offered a job by the owner of the company after a load of questions. Plus the status quo is for the family, not just me. In a nutshell I need a full time job where I can flex my hours around childcare (admittedly children are in school but still need picking and up taking to activities) to enable him to do his job)

He knew it was happening. I just don't think it's too much to ask for him to remember about it.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 27/07/2017 12:12

I'm not sure that not asking is the same as not being interested, or even, not being prepared to listen.

Were you really waiting for him to ask, before telling him how it went? Would he have listened (properly) if you had just told him? Could he have been concerned that, since you didn't burst out with it, it hadn't gone was well as you were hoping? That you wanted some time to process it all yourself before being ready to talk about it or were afraid you might cry so wanted to talk about it later?

Could this just a mismatch of styles, rather than a lack of interest on his side?

DH is a brilliant listener, can ask very insightful questions once he has heard the whole story' He also knows that I need to talk experiences through, in order to process them. He would seldom ask me because he could be sure that I will tell him in no small amount of depth, when I am ready.

If it really is disinterest, then I am very sorry d so hope it isn't.

TieGrr · 27/07/2017 12:13

YANBU

Have both of you fallen into a kind of rut where you mostly talk about the children or practical things?

Pipsqueaked · 27/07/2017 12:21

It's a bit crap but people can be a bit crap sometimes. If there is not a pattern of crapness (i.e. if it's a one off I'd forgive and move on). If DH hadn't mentioned i my interview I would bring it up myself so we could discuss. Otherwise you're just stewing on resentment. The disinterest after realising you had been to your interview is annoying though!

Original poster

OBface · 27/07/2017 13:27

Finallyhere - no chance he was concerned that it hadn't gone well. It just wasn't important enough for him to remember and that's why I'm a bit annoyed.

Pipsqueaked - probably is part of a pattern. He knows this sort of thing bothers me having done it many many times before but just wish he made more of an effort!

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/07/2017 13:30

No, you don't want him to make more of an effort. You want him to care enough that it's no effort to think to ask.

And that's not asking too much, really.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/07/2017 14:43

Well I would expect better from my husband but it sort of depends on what you have bargained for doesn't it?

I find the best way to achieve change in men is to show them the effects of how they behave. So if usually make the dinner, stop doing it until you are satisfied that he gets the message. Otherwise there is just no incentive for him to change - it is just noise in the background. Don't nag. Change his home comforts. It really works.

kmc1111 · 27/07/2017 14:55

If it was such a big thing for you I'm not sure why you didn't come out with it the minute he walked in the door?

It kind of comes off like you were testing him, and if he picked up in that it won't have made him wang to ask or show interest.

livefornaps · 27/07/2017 14:59

Good advice from Kimmy.

What a slap in the face that he can think ahead to dinner & stuffing food in his gob but not spare a thought for whatever has gone on during your day.

But then I think Kimmy is right - he has his home comforts taken care of so everything else becomes background noise.

It amaaaaazes me how easy a lot of women find it to have several people's lives "going on" in their minds all the time, without fail, no matter how much stress that woman has going on besides all these other people. Our children, our husbands, our families, our close friends. And yet in a man's mind: just him.

There was a very interesting article a couple of years back in which a (happily) married couple kept a note of all their final thoughts before they went to bed. The woman was thinking about one kid who was off trekking somewhere, another who had just bought a motorcycle. Her family's fiture. Her own concerns featured pretty low on the list, if at all. And the man? Me me me me me. Plus, this was a "modern" couple, the wife didn't consider herself a skivvy. It was actually her husband who was very ashamed to read about how self-centered he was without knowing it.

Anyway. You are moving hell and high water to make things work for your family. If this incident feels like more than just an inconsiderate one-off, I would do as Kimmy says and simply exclude your husband from your all-encompassing "looking after everyone" role for a couple days until he can get the message. It's very telling that you see him making this effort for his friends and not for you, as they are part of his "private world". Part.

Iazarus · 27/07/2017 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

livefornaps · 27/07/2017 15:01

Sorry that last word was meant to be "prat"

Original poster

OBface · 27/07/2017 15:51

High maintenance Lazarus [grin}

Great advice Kimmy, I'll definitely give that a go.

Livefornaps you've nailed it. I work full time/pay half of the bills yet take on almost all (if not all) the thinking and organising for the family. He literally takes care of himself. I've tried to get him to understand what I take on in the past but he just doesn't get how much time that takes up.

OP posts:

ImperfectTents · 27/07/2017 16:13

Well done!

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