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AIBU?

Or is my dad's DP?

41 replies

notcinderella · 26/07/2017 20:52

I'd like some perspective on my situation.

I'm a student, home for the summer. My parents split 2 years ago and I live with my dad as my mum and I don't get on (she was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood). I have a younger sister with special needs. My Dad has a DP, she doesn't live here but stays a few nights a week when her kids (7&9) are at their dad's. Since I've been back, she's made it very clear she resents my presence entirely! Some examples:

I am apparently taking the piss because I don't pay rent when at home, despite being in full time education. I do contribute by looking after the house...
... which of course isn't enough. I do all laundry (including hers), ironing, cook 3-4 times a week, food shopping, generally cleaning and tidying.
I get a monthly allowance as agreed by my mum and dad, this as been in place since I've been at uni (before she was even around). I also have a part time job which funds my social life etc, but I shouldn't get anything at all apparently.
I am to make myself completely scarce when she and my dad are here - fair enough, but even if i just stay in my room I am 'ruining the mood'.
She sulks whenever we do anything as a family (e.g. going for a meal). She clearly wants it to just be her, my dad and her kids! (Who I am also expected to babysit for free so she can go on the piss).

I could go on, but those are the main ones. I'm not a wild teenager by any means - if I ever go clubbing I stay at a friend's, so no coming in late. I always text my dad to say where I am and when I'll be back - he's fine with that. My dad is great, but it's anything for a quiet life with him.

OP posts:

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notcinderella · 26/07/2017 20:53

Sorry, hit send too soon!

AIBU to think she's batshit? What can I do? Or am I actually taking the piss?

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 26/07/2017 20:54

Is your dad a spineless wimp? Have you asked him why he's letting his new girlfriend push you out and have an opinion on something which doesn't concern, involve or affect her in any way?

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 20:55

Sorry but your df isn't that great if he allows this treatment of you. .

SonicBoomBoom · 26/07/2017 20:55

She is batshit, YANBU. Your dad needs to tell her to keep her nose out though

early30smum · 26/07/2017 20:57

YANBU at all and I would hope your dad would stick up for you a bit?! It's your home as much as hers and you should not be made to fee like this. A bit different if you were acting like a spoilt princess and not helping around the house etc, but you're so far off that... sorry OP, this is not a nice situation for you at all.

SerfTerf · 26/07/2017 20:58

Do you think your dad has a type? Can you talk to him?

GinaFordCortina · 26/07/2017 20:58

Have you brought this up with him?

I do think it's strange for an adult to get an allowance (I'm in the minority on MN there) but I also think it has fuck all to do with your dads girlfriend if you're all fine with it

Sushi123 · 26/07/2017 20:59

Oh, you sound lovely and she sounds nasty. Can you have a private chat with your dad about how she makes you feel? You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Have you confronted her, or stood up for yourself to her? She is a bully , and if you call her out to her face she may back down.

SerfTerf · 26/07/2017 21:02

Also start thinking about long term plans. If he is atttacted to obnoxious women, he may always toe their line. Start to save when you can

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 21:03

"Anything for a quiet life"
This is called enabling.
It sucks.
It won't get better. Sadly when they move in together or get hitched, it will no doubt get worse.
Similarly he allowed your mum to emotionally abuse you.
In your shoes I would probably get Summer jobs at uni and reduce time home or ignore her/call her on her bitchiness and insist your Dad defends you (but be aware an ultimatum might not go your way).

How does she treat your younger sister?

Patriciathestripper1 · 26/07/2017 21:03

She sounds like a jealous horrible bitch who resents your relationship with your dad.
Firstly I wouldnt be doing her fucking washing or babysitting her kids. Who does she think you are Cinderella??
I'm sorry your dad has no balls. Sounds like she has cut them off tbh.
You have just as much right to be there (if not more) than she has and I wouldn't be hiding in my room either.
Her fucking kids are living there free and you are still in school so your dad has a duty of care to look after you. I'd tell her to fuck off is she dosnt Like it but that would probably make things worse so don't do that and bite your tongue.

saveforthat · 26/07/2017 21:05

I think it's strange to give an adult child pocket money as well but if he can afford it she should mind her own business

Covfefe · 26/07/2017 21:07

You poor thing. Mum had a boyfriend like this when I was doing my A levels. He resented me being there even though he didn't live there. He was a total arse and as a teen I wasn't shy in battling him. I feel a bit bad about that now because I didn't feel sorry for Mum at all when she eventually dumped him. It's a horrible feeling being pushed out of home when you need support.

Your dad needs to defend you and hopefully you can all get through the next couple of years until you can get a job and flat. YANBU.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 26/07/2017 21:08

This is your home. Have you spoken to your dad yet and if so, what was his solution? And I'd tell her to fuck right off expecting babysitting for her kids! Cheeky cow! Yet wants you out of the house when she's there? Is she on glue?!

schoolgaterebel · 26/07/2017 21:09

She doesn't sound very nice, speak to your Dad and tell him how unwelcome you feel. He needs to sort her out.

SerfTerf · 26/07/2017 21:12

It's not at all strange for a University student to receive financial support from their parents if the parents have been assessed by the SLC as needing to contribute.

amber90 · 26/07/2017 21:12

You're not doing anything wrong so please don't think there's anything unreasonable at all in how you behave. You sound like an angel compared to me and most folk at that age!

Your financial arrangements with your parents and how they support you though university are really none of her business.Have you spoken to your dad about this? Does he hear her comments ? I agree that its absolutely up to him to deal with this.

amber90 · 26/07/2017 21:17

It's not at all strange for a University student to receive financial support from their parents if the parents have been assessed by the SLC as needing to contribute.

This!! I don't think its unusual at all for parents to financially support their children through education!

notcinderella · 26/07/2017 21:19

Thanks for the replies!

The allowance tops up my student loan, as my uni doesn't allow part time jobs for undergrads. I know I'm lucky to get it and tbh I save most of it over summer and spend my wages.

I looked at staying at uni over summer, but I'm in halls and they boot you out, and I didn't have the money for a deposit anywhere. I'm quite often at my friends' when she's here, but I sometimes I just want to be at home!

I'm definitely not a shrinking violet, and in my head I'm thinking 'fuck off' most of the time as basically none of the above concerns her. I usually make a comment along the lines of 'sorry you feel that way' or 'oh really? That's interesting'. I'm worried having it out would lead to the dreaded 'if you don't like it go and live with your mother' and she would make it unbearable at my dad's and I'll be trapped. I always make sure I'm busy and cheery bustling around, but I've got 6 more weeks of this!

My dad did his best to protect me from the emotional abuse, but he was being abused too. I think part of my reluctance to have it out with her comes from the fact that I just want us to have a bit of calm - she is only horrible to me, and weirdly nice to my sister. Seeing as I'm not there most of the time, I feel like I should shut up and put up to an extent.

My dad's away with work at the moment, but I'll speak to him when he gets back.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 26/07/2017 21:20

Have you discussed all this with your dad?

ChasedByBees · 26/07/2017 21:22

I think you do need to speak with him. It's your home, not hers. She has no right to treat you like this.

Penfold007 · 26/07/2017 21:24

Sadly your Dad has gone from one abusive relationship to another.

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DesperatelySeekingSushi · 26/07/2017 21:32

Does she do all this in front of your dad though? He really ought to have your corner. Is she nice to your sister when alone with her? Could your sister articulate if there were problems?
Re halls, are there any other self-catering residences offering summer accommodation (usually somewhere is available for overseas students)
Sometimes you can find cleaning/chambermaiding/conference stewarding/open university-eng lang summer course work on campus (just a thought for next year).
Hope the conversation goes well. X

notcinderella · 26/07/2017 21:35

Just realised makes it sound like I haven't spoken to my dad about it at all - I have! A lot of the comments are little digs, and quite often at occasions like whilst we're having tea or at a restaurant, so I can't retaliate because I'd be 'making a scene'.

He has always said he'll speak to her, has got me out of babysitting (and I will definitely always be too busy). Then she's ok for the next few times I see her, but then the comments and judgements start again.

Penfold that's what I fear :( what's she like the rest of the time when I'm not around?!

OP posts:

potatoscowls · 26/07/2017 21:35

Just going to jump in here and say that it's incredibly harsh to deride young adults who are financially supported by their parents. As OP said, some units do not allow part time jobs; also, some of us have disabilities etc which make simultaneous full-time education AND paid employment impossible.

I dont have any advice I'm afraid but she sounds repugnant. Please speak to your dad about it if you can though, because you don't deserve such shitty treatment.

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