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To feel like I can't go on with my friend?

48 replies

paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 19:54

We have been friends since school. She has always been tiny. Below average height, as am I, but I am a little taller. She has a naturally petite frame and has always been slim. Washboard stomach, size 8. She does eat very well and exercises.

I was always OK with my size but even then it annoyed me sometimes when she would talk about how 'massive' she was, how 'enormous.' However, it's upsetting me more and more lately as inactivity following an operation and to be honest, feeling very depressed following that (as well as some upsetting life events) have seen me balloon to over fifteen stone.

Yet she still keeps talking about how 'gross' and 'huge' she is.

It just feels like tactless attention seeking - aibu?

OP posts:

sunshineintheclouds · 26/07/2017 19:56

Your friend sounds very poorly and needs help.


Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 19:56

Just feel sorry for her. She clearly has body issues.


MarcelineTVQ · 26/07/2017 19:57

Body dismophia was my first thought


paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 19:58

I don't think she is, sunshine

I think when she is saying how enormous she is, it's to elicit "oh, of course you are not" responses.

In any case, even if we assume she is unwell, I can't help her.

OP posts:

Majora · 26/07/2017 19:58

...YABU. It sounds like she has an eating disorder or body dysmorphia (viewing your body as something it isn't, like fat, or like you have a HUGE nose when in reality you have a normal sized nose but you just cannot see it as anything but huge and obsess over it) and maybe needs help.

She's not doing it to make you feel bad most likely, but have you told her that you've gained weight and it's hurtful to hear those comments?


QuiteLikely5 · 26/07/2017 19:58

Sounds like she is ill


paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:00

I really am not convinced it's body dysmorphia or that she is ill.

But even if we assume she is, am I just to accept this for the rest of my life and listen to her pipe up with how huge she is every time food is mentioned, even though it upsets me?

OP posts:

Pecano · 26/07/2017 20:00

How do you respond when she says these things? She might be attention seeking, but she also might be trying to tell you that she has some body issues and wants some help


Anecdoche · 26/07/2017 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarcelineTVQ · 26/07/2017 20:01

Have you tried telling her how you feel?


formerbabe · 26/07/2017 20:02

I knew a girl like this when I was an overweight teenager. She was very thin and would whinge about how "fat" she was...then if any actual overweight people mentioned their weight she would say that they weren't big and didn't need to lose any weight.
I found it very wearing...


Anecdoche · 26/07/2017 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:04

Generally I just trot out the dutiful "no, you are not."

I think betwixt and between Anecdoche I mean, no ones totally happy with their body, are they? But a typical exchange may go

"Do you want a coffee?"
"Yes, I'll have a latte with caramel because I am fat."
"No you're not."
"I am!"


Even if I agree she's ill (I don't personally think that she is) it get some tiresome and tedious beyond belief.

I did try to gently raise it with her once, in a 'jokey' way. I said 'gosh, if you think you're fat, what on earth must you think of me, I am nearly twice your size!'
She said 'but you're not fat, i am.'

I really am fat!

OP posts:

paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:05

I posted before I read formerbabes post but how interesting and we both used the same words.

The thing is, my weight really IS upsetting me at the moment but I get no support from her and it's so hard.

OP posts:

Anecdoche · 26/07/2017 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:09

I've tried just not responding at all but sometimes she brings it up unprompted.

She also kept insisting her bump was "too big" throughout both her pregnancies. I really think its attention seeking but it's wearing, as formerbabe said, and makes me very self conscious.

She is a lovely person in some ways but perhaps the friendship has run its course. I'm just drained with everything being about her and the over dramatics over everyday events when I've been through more shit than I could ever describe over the last four years and got nominal sympathy. Typing that makes me realise I'm more pissed off than I realise, but it's not easy to turn away from a friendship that's lasted over 20 years.

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StillDrivingMeBonkers · 26/07/2017 20:11

I'm with you on this one OP.

I have a friend who has decided she needs to go to SW to shift half a stone; "pats her tummy and announces she's a little bit fat" .

She is the same person who affects the wide eyed little girl look, slaps people playfully, coquettishly giggles and then is amazed why every other mother at football could cheerfully deck her because of her behaviour round menfolks.

She doesn't need to shift half a stone, she doesn't need to go to SW, but in doing so it reinforces show lovely she is whilst having false empathy with people.

It's tiring.


acapellagirl · 26/07/2017 20:12

YANBU this behaviour is draining and immature


CaurnieBred · 26/07/2017 20:14

Ask her what clothes size she is wearing. When she says 6/8 whatever, say to her that when she is wearing a size 16 then she can start complaining about being fat (did this with my teen goddaughter and it worked a treat). I know for some a size 16 isn't that big but if she is of petite build then 16 will be large.


Anecdoche · 26/07/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sushi123 · 26/07/2017 20:16

I think this is her way of trying to get you interested in losing weight, I really don't think she's worried about her own weight, but she might be worried about yours and doesn't really know how to discuss it with you without offending you???


paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:16

Thanks. I don't want to make drop her altogether but I do think I need to start pulling back, if only for my own sanity!

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paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:17

I doubt it Sushi; she's done it for years, preceding my dramatic weight gain.

And when I point out I, genuinely, am fat, she says I am not (even though I clearly AM) to make it all about her again.

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Lovestonap · 26/07/2017 20:17

What I would do?

If she continues, agree with her.

Her "I'm so fat, I'm disgusting"

You "Yeah, I've put weight on too recently - sucks doesn't it,.maybe we should join a slimming club?"

She won't like it. She'll either stop making comments in which case, great, or she'll ramp up any bitchiness in which case you can cut loose.

I don't think she has a mental health issue, it's likely her behaviour would reflect these issues, such as wearing baggy clothes or avoiding conversations about food and weight.

I think she enjoys making you feel uncomfortable.

I could be wrong though :)


paintingbutterflies · 26/07/2017 20:18

I don't even think its about making me uncomfortable. Perhaps it is though and she's meaner than I thought. I thought it was 'just' attention seeking and exaggerating.

OP posts:
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