To feel like I can't go on with my friend?

[paintingbutterflies]

We have been friends since school. She has always been tiny. Below average height, as am I, but I am a little taller. She has a naturally petite frame and has always been slim. Washboard stomach, size 8. She does eat very well and exercises.

I was always OK with my size but even then it annoyed me sometimes when she would talk about how 'massive' she was, how 'enormous.' However, it's upsetting me more and more lately as inactivity following an operation and to be honest, feeling very depressed following that (as well as some upsetting life events) have seen me balloon to over fifteen stone.

Yet she still keeps talking about how 'gross' and 'huge' she is.

It just feels like tactless attention seeking - aibu?

[FaFoutis]

YANBU
How did you put up with that for so long?

[user1468353179]

A friend of mine goes on a diet when her size eight stuff feels tight. In fact she starves herself. I'm a size twenty, but feel really slim at a size fourteen.

[EezerGoode]

Next time suggest you both join a slimming club...obviously she won't be allowed to join,so perhaps that might shut her up

[Mustardnowletsnotbesilly]

My best mate of 30 years is just like this. I am a size 18/20 and she is a stunning size 10, super fit with no tummy at all. When she says "I feel fat" or "I really need to lose 7lb" or "My belly is really big at the moment." it used to urk me and I have said the things like "God what do you think of me?" stuff. But actually when she says it, it isn't about me, its about her and her insecurities. She looks at me and sees her happy gorgeous mate and I look at her and see the same. She has hang ups and needs reassurance like many people do. I don't see her comments as a reflection on me at all. She says it seeking reassurance and also as a weird mantra to herself.

[frumpety]

I think people feel how they feel in their own bodies , someone who is tiny compared to the rest of the population can still feel unhappy with their body , just as someone who is obese can feel comfortable . Its all about the feelings . You are currently unhappy with your weight , you would rather weigh less , but you are still here and in a year you might be happier with your size . Your friend sounds as though she is never going to be happy with her weight or size . Have a think and wonder which of you has been generally happier over the last 20 years , her with her daily self inflicted grind or you with your recent health issues ?

[Mysteriouscurle]

Ive had this but not with a close friend. An acquaintance size 8 who frequently insisted she was "disgusting" "fat" etc while talking to me (size 22). The only thing I could think was that she must have thought I looked ten times as bad as her. She was a really nice woman but no way could I have ever been close friends with her.Why do people do that and insist that someone who is clearly much bigger than them is "absolutely fine" when its clear they are several stones heavier. I'd love to know the answer to this. -Actually in my case I probably weighed twice as much as her

[PurpleDaisies]

Why do people do that and insist that someone who is clearly much bigger than them is "absolutely fine" when its clear they are several stones heavier. I'd love to know the answer to this.

Sometimes it's that they just don't see how heavy anyone else is, only that their body is disgusting to them and they can't help talking about it.

[SequinsOnEverything]

I'm with you op. When we were teens my friends would so this and as I was a few clothes sizes bigger than them it used to make me think that they must think I was disgusting. It was a mixture of teenage insecurity and thoughtlessness I think as they don't do it anymore.

[FaFoutis]

If you were ashamed of your body wouldn't you just shut up about it? It sounds like she wants to draw attention to her body to me.

[PurpleDaisies]

If you were ashamed of your body wouldn't you just shut up about it? It sounds like she wants to draw attention to her body to me.

Having known people with serious BDD, it can go either way.

[user1497557435]

Attention seeking bitch.

[hellejuice91]

I do kind of see where you are coming from. I have a friend who consistently makes comments about her weight even though she is slim. Talk to her about it and offer her help if there is a problem if not tell her outright you don't want to hear it x

[Mummyoflittledragon]

User.....435. I think what you have posted would sum up your post about yourself nicely.

Op this is about her, not you. She sounds very unhappy with herself in general. If it's always all about her, that's telling.

[MrsBobDylan]

Yanbu, no friendship which makes you unhappy is worth it. Having said that, I work with a really lovely, kind woman who is probably a size 8-10 and is convinced she is too big. She genuinely believes this and I'm sad for her as she has an amazing figure and yet is not happy.

[frumpety]

Actually I take back the 'daily self inflicted grind' , your friend of 20 yrs might have a eating disorder and as such deserves sympathy , which can be hard to muster if you think that such a disorder can be cured by just eating more .

[Gingerandgivingzerofucks]

It sounds like you've run the course of this friendship. Pull back, OP, I'd be thoroughly pissed off with her by now. If she does or doesn't have body issues is not your problem.

[misshelena]

Why do people do that and insist that someone who is clearly much bigger than them is "absolutely fine" when its clear they are several stones heavier. I'd love to know the answer to this.

You and I aren't in the same category. This (whatever it is) is beneath my dignity to be seen in, but should work just dandy for you!

[VeryButchyRestingFace]

She said 'but you're not fat, i am.'

She's ill. It's a shame. ☹️

[Sushi123]

It's a tough one, I am thinner than some of my friends. That doesn't mean I'm happy with my weight, I like to manage my weight and lose a few pounds if I put on a few. I will talk about this in front of each of my friends regardless of their size as it's not about them....saying that, weight is not a general topic of conversation for me..it just comes up sometimes...if this girl is draining you and being a negative force then phase her out x

[Emmeline123]

I'm really surprised that everyone assumes that this woman is ill.

I have known many girls/women with eating disorders, but never one who wouldn't be able to see that someone else was physically larger than them. Even my severely anorexic friend when pushed accepted that whereas she felt fat, she was in fact skinnier than everyone else. I'm not suggesting that BDD doesn't exist but it's certainly uncommon to find someone who cannot see this despite their knowledge of weight and clothes sizes.

I have met scores of girls/women who've done the "I'm so fat!" thing when they are not fat. I would say most of my slim friends have done this. In fact, I have a shape not dissimilar from the woman at issue (albeit no washboard stomach!) and would say things like this to my DH on occasion if I feel like I've put on weight. It's certainly possible to feel rubbish in oneself even if one is not objectively fat.

The difference is, I would never be such a dick as to say things like this to a friend who was obviously bigger than me. It would be hugely tactless and offensive. And suggesting that I'm fat, not them would be insulting to their intelligence. This sort of tactless, selfish, narcissistic conversation would happen all the time at school but I would expect a grown woman to have grown out of it.

Also, this is something that happens to me occasionally in other contexts where tactless people say eg "I have a HUGE spot" when they have a whitehead and half my face is covered in eczema. I'm pretty sure it's not that they are dysmorphic about their tiny whitehead and unable to see my eczema, they are just being dicks.

OP if I were you I'd either cut it off or say, "Wankerina, I'm sure you don't mean it but when you say things about your weight, given that you are objectively half the size of me, I feel really shit about myself. I'm not looking for you to comfort me on this, I'm okay with my weight other than when I'm with you, I'm just telling you how it makes me feel. If you need to keep doing it then I won't be able to see you anymore."

[nina2b]

OP:
I'm with you: she is being passive aggressive and seeking positive comments. How pathetic.
Weird how some people immediately think she is "ill".

[misshelena]

OP -- dump your "friend". She is not ill, she is passive aggressive, like above poster said.

[KimmySchmidt1]

YANBU - people like that (ill or not) are super, super annoying.

can you not just tell her that she knows, and you know, that she is very thin, and if she is going to insist on pretending she isnt can she at least shut up about it because its really annoying.

And if she reacts badly then you know the friendship is not worth it.

Im not sure why people think that lying and playing along with people with eating disorders is helpful.