To ask your advice/thoughts on carrying on after 2 miscarriages

[anxiouscrazycatlady]

I've had two missed miscarriages this year and feeling utterly deflated. Both times it's been around the 8 week mark and I've had an ERPC both times as well. In my worrier mind I think it's something wrong with me as the exact same thing has happened both times at the same point, so very very wary of trying again. I've ordered It Started With an Egg (although have heard mixed reviews of this) and we plan to have a couple of months off to (try to) relax and work out what we do next.
Right now my thoughts are to go to an adoption information evening to see if that would be something we would be interested. Alternatively we could just keep trying until I have a potential 3rd miscarriage and then get tests done. Or we could pay for private tests now, but I've spoken to a number of doctors about this already and they basically say it's a waste of time and often nothing is found and "it's just one of those things."
Or we could accept that maybe children aren't meant to be for us. I remember reading a thread on here a little while ago about if people were happy without children but I couldn't find it.
Has anyone experienced anything similar or just want to give me your general thoughts on keeping trying/adoption/choosing not to have children??

I'm really sorry about your miscarriages. Unfortunately, two miscarriages in a row are not uncommon and as the doctors say there is unlikely to be anything wrong. I had three before having a healthy child. You might want to pay for some tests privately though as they aren't all that expensive and for some conditions, they can do something about it e.g. antiphospholipid syndrome

4th pregnancy was successful for me. All the tests were normal, it was just really bad luck. It's good that you started trying so early - I started TTC at 34 and was 38 by the time I had DS, which doesn't leave me much time left to have DC2.

I am so immensely grateful to have my little boy - I doubt I would feel so strongly if the first pregnancy had gone smoothly. I know I would still have loved baby number 1, but I wouldn't have had the same sense of miraculousness and wonder that we have with this one.

I lurk on here all the time but never post... Reading this though, I couldn't not. My heart goes out to you, OP. Truly.

I just wanted to share my mum's story - though I don't know if it'll help. Anyway. She had three miscarriages and her and my dad very nearly gave up. Her mum had had 4 miscarriages before her 7 healthy pregnancies though, so the brave and tough decision was made to have one last shot and then they really would have quit. Luckily, that one last shot resulted in me. They then "gambled" again and my brother was born. Then my sister a few years after that. Now she and Dad are grandparents to my three kids as well. I'm so, so glad that they went for it, despite their pain and risked another pregnancy. I know Mum's heart still breaks when she thinks of her first three babies. But I also know there's no doubt in her mind that she did the right thing in keeping going.

When I decided to try for my first baby, I fully expected that I'd go through the same struggles as both Mum and Gran did and I talked to Mum about it. She told me that "what will be will be" but if I was lucky enough to hold my own baby in my arms, every bit of heartache would seem worth it, a million times over. X

No real advice but just to say you aren't alone. I had a really early MC in January (technically I suppose you would you call it a chemical pregnancy as it was all over within 48 hours of a BFP) and then I went on to fall pregnant again in March which ended in a MMC and D&C at 10 weeks. When I told my husband I was pg in March I even said 'ha! who would be unlucky enough to miscarry twice in a row! relax!' Well apparently plenty of people are that unlucky

I am overseas and so have private healthcare and access to a wonderful, very experienced OB who I trust implicitly. I have pushed her several times to run tests and give me a reason why, but she keeps telling me that basic blood work, scans etc show nothing obvious and as I have already had one healthy pregnancy and delivery, it probably is 'just' bad luck. She has encouraged me to eat well, exercise, take a good multivit and keep trying. So that's what I'm doing.

Unfortunately, the blissful naiveté of my first pregnancy is gone and I don't think I will enjoy pregnancy again. I just keep focusing on the end result.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

So sorry for your loss op

I had two missed miscarriages and the next two healthy pregnancies. At the hospital they quote from me one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It's such an unknown issue (in that it's barely publicly talked about) that it's difficult not to be in your situation and think there's something wrong.

I hope you take the path that's right for you

we could pay for private tests now, but I've spoken to a number of doctors about this already and they basically say it's a waste of time and often nothing is found and "it's just one of those things."

My experience with the NHS was that they'd always claim that the level of care/investigation they were giving you was the most appropriate, when clearly sometimes there was a cost/benefit analysis aspect to it.

I think you need to make up your own mind about whether it's worth paying the money to do the testing now. I read somewhere that Regan's clinic at St Mary's (where I went, after 3mcs) estimate that they don't find anything wrong in about half the people who come to them after 3 miscarriages. That's not to say that there's nothing wrong with any of those people - they're a mixture of people with nothing wrong who just had an unlucky 3 mcs in a row, and people who have problems that are unexplained. So if you go for testing now after 2 miscarriages, you're very likely to get a "nothing wrong" result - my back of fag packet calculations suggest you've got about a 90% chance of getting back an all clear.

TBH, if I was you (or if I was me, and could go back again) I would pay for the tests privately after 2 miscarriages. It's what, £800? If you're the 1 in 10 who does have a detectable problem, you now know, and you can make plans based on that knowledge. If you're one of the 90%, well, you can go on or give up, but at least you know that you don't have any of the common recurrent miscarriage problems.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do - and especially if you decide to leave it. Stopping trying is a decision that takes courage and maturity (more maturity than we had).

I am really sorry for your losses.
I had two late miscarriages and nothing was found in my testing.
I have a 15 month old LB and all we did was progesterone suppositories and week swabs for infection (None was detected) so it was the progesterone for me. I have PCOS so it makes sense.
Don't give up hope about being a mum just yet.
If you can afford private testing then I would try that..I don't like the 3 miscarriage rule with the NHS.
Good luck in what ever you decide.

Keep trying! I have had 6 missed miscarriages.......but......I also now have 5 healthy happy children. Missed miscarriages are so bad and I totally understand how you feel. I am so sorry. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. 2 miscarriages do not mean you can't have babies. It means you can get pregnant, which is half the battle - more than half. It is usually the case after the 3rd miscarriage in a row they'll refer you to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and then you can look into it and hopefully get answers if there are any. There are very likely no answers, it is usually the case that something happened early on during the first divisions of the cell, it happens a great deal. Please don't give up. I decided about mine that there was something chromosomally wrong with my lost babies and it was the best thing to have happened really. I know it is hard emotionally, it really is and it took me years to come to that point of acceptance, but you are strong, you can do this. xx

5 losses (albeit no MMC), 2 DC and 13w with number 3!

Had 3 miscarriages in a row so we were investigated for recurrent miscarriage ["no reason"] and then we had first successful pregnancy.
Had another miscarriage then a successful pregnancy then a loss and hopefully a successful pregnancy.

Thank you again for all your responses, it means a lot to me. To all the people that went to the private clinics in London, did you physically have to go there on a regular basis? We live quite a way away from London and we just wouldn't be able to go repeatedly.
Right now (baring in mind I only had my second ERPC yesterday) I think we might wait a few months and try again and see what happens. I do want to get tested but worried that will stress me out in these next few months when I'm meant to be relaxing. I haven't had problems getting pregnant previously, first time took 5 months and the second happened the first month of trying. So if it was to go down the miscarriage route again then hopefully it will all be done this year and we can then just write this year off.

So sorry for your losses OP and really heartening to read positive outcomes from other people who've been through miscarriages.

I've had 3 in the last year, the middle was missed and picked up at 12 week scan. It's been worse than I could ever have imagined.

We're under the RMC now, all tests are clear but they offer a couple of helping hands for future pregnancies and extra scans and things, so just need another BFP. There's a thread you might find useful on TTC post MC, there are always some people on there who aren't actively TTC but want to chat to people who've been there and totally get it. Please come and join us if you'd like to.

Don't think doctors, including private, will recommend testing now unless you have a health condition (eg PCOS). Should you need testing in the future there could be a fair few appointments, depending on what tests are recommended after an initial consultation, but there are also good clinics in other places , eg siobhan quenby used to have one in the midlands.

Prof Regan's book says three mcs in a row is relatively rare: one in a hundred.

If you do make dietary/lifestyle changes (not compulsory and I certainly didn't manage it!) worth your DP doing likewise!

I'm also 30 and had two missed miscarriages back to back last year; one 5 weeks and one 8 weeks. I felt exactly the same as you. I got pregnant a third time thinking it would be the same outcome but at least we would be referred for tests to find out why i couldnt keep hold of the pregnancies. The third one hung in there and is now asleep in my arms after a really straightforward pregnancy and birth.

It's a personal thing, but after the first mc, i didnt allow myself to think of the pregnancy as a baby until i'd had a positive 12 week scan. I thought of the bfp as just another milestone and a sign that my body was working; like a period or ovulation and it helped me to not get too attached. I get that my approach might not be for everyone but it did help me stay relaxed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to put into words the pain of mmc until it's happened to you.

I had 3 consecutive mmc's in just over a year and was referred for testing so duly attended my local hospital for bloods to be taken. I never did get the results as found out I was (4 weeks 6 days) pregnant later that week. I was prescribed high dose folic acid and baby aspirin and my beautiful baby arrived last month.

I kept trying as at aged 41 I knew I didn't have time on my side and I was desperate for my DD to have a sibling. I wouldn't have kept going forever but can't say as to how many more mmc's I would've gone through before giving up.

I had no idea how common mmc's were until it happened to me. I found the miscarriage association website a small comfort. Perhaps you might as well.

I wish you all the very best in however you decide to proceed. Xx

Another one here who had two miscarriages (one was twins) then successful pregnancy then another miscarriage then another a successful pregnancy so definitely don't give up hope.

I've looked into it a lot (and know of other people who have had multiple miscarriages and gone on to have successful pregnancies.)
'reasons' can vary widely and many are solvable. A few friends were advised to take aspirin and that worked for their particular issue. Other possible causes have been inability to carry a certain sex and some people have immune systems that are 'too aggressive' and were given medication (possibly immunosuppressants) throughout their pregnancy.
There is a high chance you are able to have a successful pregnancy if you persevere x

I'm so sorry for your losses. I have had 3 miscarriages and now have 5 dc.

OP as you'll have seen two miscarriages is not uncommon. I've also had two in the past year,.

We are deep into private IVF now (so both IVF pregnancies) as well as an IVF chemical pregnancy and numerous natural chemical pregnancies alongside.

I also have a healthy four year old from a straight forward first pregnancy.

I have had all the private tests. And the news is: nothing to report, which is common.

Under discussed on here is that the no 1 reason for miscarriage under 12 weeks is that the embryo stops developing because it was not genetically normal.

you'll see posters talking about mourning / regretting the baby that would have been, but honestly that is a misleading (and I think unhelpful) way to see it: it wasn't that there was a viable baby there that got lost. Rather, that embryo wasn't going to make it all the way to baby and that's why there was miscarriage.

This is, honestly, part of pregnancy. It's where the 1 in 3 / 1in 4 pregnancies end in in miscarriage stat comes from. It also varies from person to person. So for some people, if they have an abnormal embryo it will stop developing so early they won't even know they conceived. Others it will carry on a bit longer, so positive pregnancy test, but then the embryo stops developing a little while later.

The upshot of both is the same, but the second is emotionally and physically harder to bear.

IVF has given us an insight in to this process: the rule of thumb you are given is to expect 25% or 1 in 4 of fertilised embryos to develop to the 5 day point (when the embryo is transferred into your uterus). Now, our day 5 rate is way better than this. 75% 3 in 4 of our embryos makes it to day five.

This seems great but it is a false picture - realistically the ratio of genetically normal embryos (that will get all the way to baby) is still around the same. So my miscarriages so far are explained by this. And actually if our abnormal embryos dropped out faster we'd be able to find the normal, viable ones faster and more easily.

And our journey to a second child is about how much resource we have to find the one normal embryo that will go all the way to healthy full term birth.

Repeating miscarriages where the embryo is normal are a different story, but that isn't what's going on in first trimester miscarriages for most people, most of the time.

So consider the tests, but honestly, the chances are when you have them on the NHS or private things will come back normal.

It's worth tracking your cycle - is that all normal? If so it is a good indicator that everything else is likely to be fine and you will get there.

The good news is that the biggest determiner of a healthy, normal embryo is age. For both you and your partner. At 30 time is on your side, though looking at both of your lifestyles and making improvements in diet and exercise as set out in Starts with and Egg should also help (the genetic material in an embryo being 50/50 you and your partner).

I'm sorry for your losses. I haven't had any experience myself so can't imagine how difficult it is.

However, I thought this might be of interest: www.newscientist.com/article/2121182-timing-when-you-get-pregnant-could-prevent-a-miscarriage/ . Unfortunately it sounds like the research is in early stages but at least it suggests that for some women with mmcs there could still be hope if you manage to get lucky with the timing.

We started TTC when I was 28, just after my OH proposed. Got pregnant first month (great I thought). Had a missed miscarriage and had a ERPC around 10 weeks. Got pregnant twice more that year and both ended in miscarriages around 8 weeks.

I pushed for testing. My OH had semen analysis done. Turned out he had mega swimmers, so obviously the problem lay with me (can't even put into words how crap that made me feel).

Doctor agreed to put me on Clomid but it didn't work. Just over a year later, we agreed to put TTC on hold to plan our wedding, then we got pregnant the next month! I had some bleeding around 6 weeks, went to the EPU and was prescribed progesterone pessaries. Exactly 34 weeks later our DD was born.

3 years later we accidentally got pregnant and 9 months later our DS was born.

18 months after our DS was born, I agreed to be a gestational surrogate for a friend, got pregnant on first embryo transfer (just one 5 day frozen embryo was transferred), and I gave birth to my friends baby 2 months ago.

What a lovely thing to do neverhadanymarblestolose, your friend is very lucky to have you! I had bleeds with both my pregnancies at 6 weeks, they found a heartbeat both times after each bleed but in my mind that was when the problems started.

My cycle is generally very predictable, however the month I got pregnant it was all over the place. I wonder if that had anything to do with it then.

NetflixandBill I'm totally going to think that way next time, what a good way of looking at it. I think once you've had a miscarriage, every pregnancy will be full of worry.

It's so great to hear so many positive stories, thank you.

goodlucktime according to Prof Regan's book it's very often not the case with recurrent mc that mcs are due to genetic abnormalities. Except with older mothers/fathers. The more mcs a woman has, the less likely they are to be due to genetic problems.

I rarely post on threads but felt I had to on this one as it really struck a chord. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses OP; no matter when or how it happens it is such a huge sadness and I hope you are ok. I had my first daughter at 27 and had a textbook pregnancy and easy labour (and was pretty smug about this in hindsight - if only I'd known!!) After about 18 months we decided to TTC again and I was pregnant within a couple of months. However, despite all the signs looking good, I lost the baby, another beautiful girl, at 23 weeks and it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. Despite this I was obsessed with trying again as I felt it was the only way to move forward. We did and I had two further pregnancies which both ended in miscarriage at around 11 and 8 weeks consecutively. After this we decided to take a step back and reassess. I'd been pregnant four times in as many years but it seemed that our daughter wouldn't have a sibling the 'natural' way. However we really still wanted that big family and for our DD to experience having a sibling and everything that can bring (DH and I are both from big families). So we decided to look into adoption. This was around the time there were lots of programmes on TV about adoption and there was lots of info in the press so that gave us the kick we needed. We contacted the adoption team at a nearby council and started the process. It was long and gruelling at times and our social worker knows things about us that no one else does but it was a rewarding experience on the whole - at the end of about 5 months, we went before panel and were approved as adopters. You can probably tell where this is going but... two months later I discovered I was pregnant again!! My pregnancy was probably the most anxious I've ever been but I was lucky enough to be referred for some counselling by my midwife which really helped to talk things through and keep my worst fears at bay. I now have another gorgeous DD, 21 months, and feel we have come so far as a family. My girls love each other to bits and it is amazing seeing them together. We haven't ruled out adoption for the future but will have a little gap before thinking about that again. Apologies for the length of this but I just wanted to let you know there is hope and happy endings - ours took five years but we got there and I'm sure you will too, whichever path you choose. Best of luck!

OP - I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.

I have had 3 consecutive miscarriages, but I do have 2 healthy DCs. Whatever decision you make, I wish you well.

My situation was very similar, I had 2 MMCs, both lost at around 7-8 weeks but not discovered till the scan. The consultant somehow managed to wangle us tests but everything came back clear and we were told it was just an unfortunate coincidence but no link between the 2.

We stopped trying for 3-4 months, I had acupuncture (no idea if it made a difference but found it a bit like therapy), started feeling more relaxed and able to get on with life then a few months later I found that I was pregnant again.

I have to admit it wasn't easy and I didn't believe it was actually happening till after the 20 week scan but DS is now here and thriving.

It has to be your decision but in my head I'd always said we would give it 3 attempts and then reconsider and we were lucky that no.3 was successful

Hi anxious I'm really sorry for your losses. I don't have anything helpful to add as I've never been pregnant but you mentioned the thread which I started so I thought I'd give you the link just in case you wanted to look at it. x
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2971081-to-ask-how-you-cope-if-you-cant-have-children