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To be so worried about money and lack of if

36 replies

Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:38

I'm definitely not seeking advice about finances here, as I've gone through mine/ours with a fine toothed comb.

For some years now, ever since I met him really, dh has been difficult, controlling, sometimes cruel, volatile. He can be lovely too of course but that's a whole different side to him.

I've wanted to leave before. But I've been ill and scared and lacking confidence. And if I listed even one of his delightful qualities on here I'd get a plethora of LTBs before even mentioning anything else.

But money is a problem. I've done the sums pretty thoroughly and we will have about £200 a week to live off. And definitely we can live off that, I get that. It will pay for food, school uniforms, shoes, probably one hobby each per child, a Netflix subscription Smile and so on.

But nothing else. And don't get me wrong, I know that others live off less but that's the problem. I could live easily off £200 a week if I had a supportive and loving husband as then you just watch a film together or cook a meal and time zooms by. Sitting in through the days, the evenings too, alone, bored, no money to make the boredom okay.

Is this going to be my life?

And I know it will be better, people say, without him in it. But will it?

OP posts:

snoopyokay · 26/07/2017 09:40

You can't put a price on happiness they say, I'd rather be skint and happy than live with a controlling cruel man.


Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:40

Is that 200 a week after all bills. How many children? I'm not going to comment on your marriage as that's up to you although you don't sound at all happy. Do you work? Can you work?


Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:41

I have three children and I struggle with double that Blush so yes I'd find it hard


QuiteLikely5 · 26/07/2017 09:42

Think about your kids.

This man is he abusive? Are your children being exposed to domestic abuse in a daily basis? Have you considered the long term impact of that?

Anxiety, depression, low self esteem, low potential, marrying an abuser or being abusive themselves

£200pw if that's bothering you can't you increase your earning power? Retrain in a different career, go to uni?

Why suffer, why waste you're life being unhappy? What message are you sending your kids?


Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:43

Im not sure it's easy to be skint and happy when you're alone, snoopy - you can definitely be skint and happy with people around you, agreed.

Yes, it's roughly £200 a week after all essential bills, so I've included electricity and council tax under essential but the £200 is food and fun if you like do things like Netflix, children's hobbies, children's clothes and shoes, my clothes and shoes, makeup, entertainment, replacing household items and so on. I know it's a perfectly 'okay' amount it's just that there won't be any wriggle room and I can imagine myself being very very lonely.

OP posts:

Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:44

I really appreciate you saying that actually Baa as I thought people would be saying 'ha well I live off £20 a week!'

OP posts:

Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:44

Food is essential. How much do you normally spend on food.


JaceLancs · 26/07/2017 09:46

Do it! It won't always be that bad - I managed on far less when exDH left me for OW
It gets easier as DC get older - I did work from home then part time when older eventually full time and now have a successful ok paid career
I've since had some lovely relationships although never remarried
The best bit is the relationship I now have with my adult DC - it was so worth it


HeidiSpeidi · 26/07/2017 09:48

I left an abusive relationship. Single mother of one in (lovely)rented accommodation, working mostly school hours in a decent job.

Money is tight but we have everything we need. A roof over our heads. Food in the cupboards and enough of a social life for us both to tick over. I've got a very supportive family who do help me a lot.

Being skint is a billion times better than living with someone who is abusive. To be honest I'm probably better off financially now anyway, ex pissed a lot of money up the wall and my whole wage was spent on bills. Going cap in hand month after month to a nasty wanker wasn't great.

You can do it OP!


Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:48

Sorry I misunderstood, I didn't realise that was the money you'd have once you'd left him Blush

He will have to pay maintenance, yes?

But yes I think I would do it. Any family that could help you temporarily?


upperlimit · 26/07/2017 09:48

As a starting point, this...

It will pay for food, school uniforms, shoes, probably one hobby each per child, a Netflix subscription

doesn't seem so bad.

Now it's not clear what standard of living that you currently enjoy. But how you could enjoy anything in that environment?

Give your children to the chance live in a home without cruelty and fear. And then look to see how you can improve your lot.


Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:49

A lot, but that can be reduced if you see what I mean. I can cook cheaply and although I have one (thin!) child who eats quite a lot he isn't fussy about what he eats as long as there's a lot of it! So he will happily eat a plateful of roasted veg as long as it's piled high.

One of the reasons I currently spend a lot on food is because I comfort eat. I'm worried about this carrying on. I've always used food to alleviate boredom and loneliness but there was a time when it didn't make a difference as I was always charging about everywhere but then obviously as I gained weight I became more sedentary.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 26/07/2017 09:50

It's hard having no money and being on your own, but it's not impossible. There are free/cheap things you can do while the kids are at school. You could also get a part-time job which would help with the money and the loneliness. If that's all that's stopping you leaving, do it. And then you'll have to find a way to make it work. It'll be better for you and the children, challenging but worth it.


Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:50

I comfort eat too and spend a lot on food for myself Blush I am trying to address it


Cocklodger · 26/07/2017 09:50

Think of it this way.
You're skint and a bit lonely but you do ok. No one effects you negatively emotionally, and you're secure in your own four walls.
It isn't the best but it's better than what you've got now, and perhaps you will one day meet the lovely Mr Right, not the asshole you're with now. I know how hard it is.
I hope you're ok Flowers


JaceLancs · 26/07/2017 09:50

I became an expert on things to do for free or cheap
Museums parks craft clubs swimming treasure hunts you name it we did it
I found things like book clubs n walking groups a good way of getting out that didn't cost
Always managed one big holiday a year even if by scrimping n saving - ebaying clothes and toys helped for this as I used to save up in my Paypal account and cash in for our spending money


Baalam · 26/07/2017 09:51

Does your budget include savings? Our fridge has just packed up and a new one cost 200, for example


Violetcharlotte · 26/07/2017 09:51

If your that unhappy in your relationship then I would say having to scimp a bit on new clothes and nights out is a sacrifice worth making!

I'm a single Mum with 2 teens and I have roughly that left after all the hills are paid. It's a bit rubbish sometimes as I can't afford holidays or expensive days out, but we have a reasonable standard of living, far better than many other people.

You can't put a price on the relief of living in a home where you're not treading on egg shells day in, day out.


Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:51

Working, even part time, is just going to be so difficult. It's childcare costs. I mean, maybe I could look into it but I think I have to sort of assume that I can't do anything for a couple of years anyway. Then maybe look at retraining when dc are older. 40s not too late to be a social worker is it? Blush

OP posts:

imamouseduh · 26/07/2017 09:52

Do you work? If not, can you? Being at work all day will solve a lot of these problems at once, surely?


thatsnotwaynesbasement · 26/07/2017 09:53

Sorry, cross-post. There are a lot of jobs you can do on a freelance basis if you have the right skill set. Or, can you train in the spare time you have now, around the children? It will keep you busy if nothing else.


upperlimit · 26/07/2017 09:53

How many children do you have and what are their ages?


Cocklodger · 26/07/2017 09:53

Well first off I'd recommend volunteering from home (do is good for finding these opportunities) have something for you, and it'll build up your experience. Look into doing a cheap distance learning course too, then in a few months to a year start looking for a part time job perhaps?


Ithasntevenstarted · 26/07/2017 09:54

The main issue with working is childcare costs. I'm sure I can do bits and pieces but it's a tricky one. Will have to see.

What I can't do is think - oh, well, I'm going to do this and then be unable to do it and end up crawling back.

I have to assume that £200 and me not working is the default position. And anything after that is a bonus.

OP posts:

Violetcharlotte · 26/07/2017 09:55

How old are your children OP? I would say try to work if you can as it's difficult to eg back into the job market the older you get. Things move on so much!

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