To be so worried about money and lack of if

[Ithasntevenstarted]

I'm definitely not seeking advice about finances here, as I've gone through mine/ours with a fine toothed comb.

For some years now, ever since I met him really, dh has been difficult, controlling, sometimes cruel, volatile. He can be lovely too of course but that's a whole different side to him.

I've wanted to leave before. But I've been ill and scared and lacking confidence. And if I listed even one of his delightful qualities on here I'd get a plethora of LTBs before even mentioning anything else.

But money is a problem. I've done the sums pretty thoroughly and we will have about £200 a week to live off. And definitely we can live off that, I get that. It will pay for food, school uniforms, shoes, probably one hobby each per child, a Netflix subscription and so on.

But nothing else. And don't get me wrong, I know that others live off less but that's the problem. I could live easily off £200 a week if I had a supportive and loving husband as then you just watch a film together or cook a meal and time zooms by. Sitting in through the days, the evenings too, alone, bored, no money to make the boredom okay.

Is this going to be my life?

And I know it will be better, people say, without him in it. But will it?

[Cocklodger]

That's why I suggested some online from home volunteering. I did some for a bit, was 3 hours a week from my laptop answering emails and doing some general admin for them. It kept me sane when I wasn't in work due to following STBXH around half of the UK

[EssieTregowan]

We try and live on that amount so we can save. There are five of us and tbh we almost never do. That's not to say it's not doable though. I'm a fritterer. I've put DH in charge this month to see if he does any better.

It all depends on so many things though, petrol, food costs, what sort of activities you do. It's absolutely not poverty though so don't let it hold you back from leaving.

[upperlimit]

I have to assume that £200 and me not working is the default position. And anything after that is a bonus.

That's fair enough. Work from your worst case scenario.

You talk about the worry that will come with coping with a different income but keep reverting back to how lonely it might be to be alone?

Which is your bigger worry. Is there a reason you conflate the two, for instance, do you have wealthy friends who meet up at expensive places? Or, is it just that both are on your mind?

[Serialweightwatcher]

We have very little money - less than you for 4 of us after bills, so obviously don't go out much but although I worry a lot, I love DH (not that we don't argue, we do and probably more so because I do worry), but I think if you were comfortable with your DH this wouldn't be such a problem. You do need to do something for you, paid or not for now to find some happiness and get you out of the rut you feel you're in

[HerOtherHalf]

OP, if a friend came to you and said she was considering staying in an abusive relationship rather than leaving and risking being unable to afford life's little luxuries, what would you advise her?

I know the thought of change and the unknown is scary but if your DH's behaviour is bad enough that you want to leave then you need to leave. Nobody can tell you it will be easy but you will find a way to make it work. You will be happier and your children will be too. You may even go on to meet a new partner who will give you the relationship you deserve.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

You can do this, many women do.
Free yourself, you'll have peace of mind, you'll know where you're at, you won't need to tread on eggshells anymore, and in time you could meet a lovely man, and live happily ever after.
This isn't a good environment for your child.
There will be lots of good and informative advice on here, we will support you.
Take back control of YOUR life.🌺

[NotMyPenguin]

I think you'll be absolutely fine. I've done it, and actually you would be surprised at how much you grow to enjoy having that down time alone.

OP, don't take this the wrong way but it sounds as if you might not like yourself as much as you ought to, and that you're worried about spending time in your own company. I strongly suspect you're going to find you like yourself a whole lot more than you're imagining! Living alone (well, with children, but no other adult) did wonders for my self-esteem. It also gave me the space that I'd never had to practice self-care.

I do things like have long hot baths because I like lying in them and thinking; I listen to the music I like without worrying about whether another person is in the mood for it; I have long deep phone conversations with family and friends; I eat ridiculous things like grilled padron peppers for dinner; I get books out of the library (free!) and read novels and poetry voraciously; I read Mumsnet ...

All in all, I promise it can be a really good life, a surprisingly good life, even on not very much money.

[NotMyPenguin]

Oh, and cultivate your child-free friends and those with older children! They will be the people who are free to pop round to your place in evening for a glass of wine, or grilled peaches or whatever, and set the world to rights :-)

[Hotheadwheresthecoldbath]

Very doable.I was worried about the lonliness but it hasn't happened.I think that one of the reasons is I don't have ant head space to exh reactions to things,I can just get on and do.I have the house as I want it and I have made it easy to keep tidy so I waste less time there.We make meal lists,when we remember as otherwise it is too easy to fritter money at the supermarket.
I holiday by going to family and doing day trips.
I keep a seperate account and put a little by whenever I can.Its also better to get out while the kids are young,I left it too late and my,now teen,dd did have a rough time.
Take the leap.

[Violetcharlotte]

I agree with pp that you shouldn't be lonely just because you don't have a lot of money. I don't have much spare cash but can afford gym membership (£35 per month) so go to the gym 3/4 times a week which keeps me busy. I meet up with friends for dog walks or a coffee, rather than dinner and drinks, or we have nights in with wine and nibbles. When my children were little we used to do lots of trips to the park/ forest/ beach and take a picnic. I but my clothes from Primark, Asda or Tescos. I do my food shopping at Lidl. You don't need to spend a lot of money to be happy, it's all about mindset.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Dont stay with someone just because of the money, things will never get better. £200 a week after bills actually seems like a lot, considering you dont have a job and dont have travel expenses, clothes for work etc to buy. When you feel ready, you should consider looking for a job though to set an example for your children, even if just part time at first. I think benefits are going to get tighter in the near future under the current government, rightly or wrongly.