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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find husband's comments upsetting?

51 replies

Goldfishshoals · 25/07/2017 22:35

Our baby is four months old. I'm really struggling with her, she makes 'unhappy' noises a lot - it's not so bad on days when she naps, but some days she just can't seem to sleep and then the unhappiness is constant, and no amount of distraction/playing/singing/holding/sling walking/etc seems to do anything.

I end the day exhausted and feeling pretty crap about myself.

At lunchtime today I commented to my husband that the baby hadn't napped at all this morning and I was probably in for a difficult afternoon - his response was to say 'Well she can't sleep all the time and it will only get worse as she gets older'. This isn't the first time he's said something like this, and he often likes to tell me that when she becomes a toddler she will be more difficult/demanding etc.

I like to believe that I will cope better with an older child, and that I'll find then easier to communicate and play with - but even if he's right and it's just all shit from here on out, why keep telling me? What does it help? It's not like I can decide I'm a crap mum and give the baby back or something!

OP posts:
early30smum · 25/07/2017 22:36

YANBU. Not a helpful attitude! Maybe he just doesn't know what to say. Is he good at taking the baby when you need a break? You have my sympathies, my DD was very, very difficult as a baby and rarely slept!

Iggi999 · 25/07/2017 22:41

Please don't feel crap. Four months is a hellish time - have you read/heard anyone talking about the four month sleep regression?
Are you getting out of the house/have you friends with or without babies?

Fruitcorner123 · 25/07/2017 22:43

I think he maybe just doesn't get it.has he had a day with her on his own yet? I think talk to him again when you are feeling less stressed and try and explain why you are stressed and how hard you are I'm finding it. Explain that you find his comments unhelpful and need his support.

My son was like this, he would never nap and then got overtired and grumpy. Have you looked into different sleep techniques? There's loads of stuff online. Have you spoken to your health visitor. Mine was fab and gave me loads of support with sleeping.

Your baby will be fine, loads of babys are like this about sleep routine during the day. You sound like you need a bit of TLCwhich your partner should be providing.

By the way the same son was a fabulous toddler and really easy to look after. So don't let anyone convince you it's only gonna get worse. Every child is different and every parent finds some things more challenging than others.

Littlecaf · 25/07/2017 22:50

YANBU. I found the best way to deal with this (as you are both in it together, your post reads like you are doing it all) is to talk about it once you both have some quiet time. Be nice to each other works both ways in those early days. It does get better, I promise.

53rdWay · 25/07/2017 22:58

No, he's being supremely unhelpful. And how much work is he doing to settle her when it's tough?

Toddlers are hard in different ways but honestly, I found mine much easier to manage once she could talk a bit. It's not like "oh it's just as hard as now but they nap less".

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 25/07/2017 23:00

Mine were both at their absolute worst at 4 months old. By 6 months they were happy as clams and we've never hardly ever looked back. I think they have some sort of brain rewiring thing around then that makes them extra stroppy.

More importantly, if your h doesn't realise what a disaster a missed nap is at that age he's clearly not doing enough childcare!

MrsSedaris · 25/07/2017 23:08

It won't get worse as she gets older - what a silly and unhelpful thing to say.
Small babies are really hard work and four months is a particularly hard time, sleep regression for the baby, sleep deprivation for you. It will all get better, I promise!

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 25/07/2017 23:10

(Just to add, my chronically overtired grumpy colicky youngest is now a delightful 1 year old who rarely cries, has an amazing smile and happily entertains himself for hours)

mummmy2017 · 25/07/2017 23:10

They change all the time, and once they can roll and move a bit you will find you look forward to the 1st each day.
Tell him next time he is home and you have had a bad morning that your off for a bath, so he can deal with the baby...

RubyRoseRing · 25/07/2017 23:11

YANBU. He is being unhelpful. This stage IS hard. Toddlerhood can be more straightforward in some ways

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 25/07/2017 23:12

Try a baby carrier. My nap refusers have always succumbed!

BeautifulWintersMorning · 25/07/2017 23:12

Can your dh have the baby on his own for the day (or more) so he can see how he gets on? In fact how about a weekend away if you aren't bfing? Sounds like you deserve a break.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 25/07/2017 23:13

I found having a small baby a lot easier than having an older baby Blush

I find raising an older baby more rewarding than caring for a younger baby, though. It's swings and roundabouts for me. I was lonely when she was tiny, I'm not now.

My husband says stupid shit too-very often about things he doesn't have a clue about.

Ecureuil · 25/07/2017 23:15

YANBU. In my experience (mine are 3 and just 2, and both awful sleepers, day and night) it gets easier as they get older. Yes, your baby might always be a crap sleeper (and they might not!), but they start to be able to play by themselves, amuse themselves, play independently, amuse you... and even if it doesn't get easier, what good would it do to tell you?!
(Trust me, it does get easier)

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 25/07/2017 23:25

Lots of people told me it gets harder as they get older. I found the opposite is true so far (DS is 2). Being constantly cried at by a baby who can't tell you what the problem is was far, far worse than an attention-seeking toddler who can amuse himself for a bit if he wants.

Flowers and YANBU.

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 25/07/2017 23:25

YANBU, that is not helpful at all, even if he has nothing useful to say sometimes you just need a bit of sympathy.

If it helps at all, as much as babies are cute and lovely when you can give them back I hated the grizzly baby stage before they can talk and just tell you what's wrong, I've found toddler stage onwards a lot easier (my eldest is 13 though and I'm starting to wish he didn't talk quite so much, the back chat is hard work)

BlackStars · 25/07/2017 23:32

I've found mine harder work the older they have got (currently 9) the constant demands are exhausting as is the co-ordination of after School and school activities, friends, clubs etc. Babies and toddlers are a doddle.

OrigamiOverload · 25/07/2017 23:36

To give your DH the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he is having a slight wtf have we done wobble as I did many times and is trying to keep your expectations for the future low in the hope that they'll be surpassed? possibly clutching at straws

Jux · 25/07/2017 23:40

How very unkind of him. No offers to relieve you this afternoon? Can you make him help you more so he has a better idea of what it's like trying to look after a grizzley baby?

Have you spoken to your HV about your baby's apparent unhappiness?

user1495025590 · 25/07/2017 23:51

If the baby has missed a nap its probably overtired and your singing and pacing and playing ia keeping it awake.stick child in cot shut the blind shut the door go out in garden for 5 or 10 minutes where you can't hear and see if that does the trick

Waterlemon · 25/07/2017 23:59

at 4 months, they do seem to "wake up" and be more aware of the world around them.

But I also wonder if she is unsettled for a reason, maybe colicky or even silent reflux? Many of my friends had reflux babies, they would often be unsettled throughout the day. It might be worth looking into?

WidoWanky · 26/07/2017 00:07

Who is the most exhausted, you or the baby?

I remember as a first time mum being told exactly the same, by a friend of my mum. I didn't know what to do with a baby really, it was all new to me. So I decided to live my life, and my child came too. Made a massive difference as my focus shifted, I suppose. There were days that were really bleak and I was really low, but other days when I coped so much better.

How about you get the HV to check your baby, to put your mind at rest (mine was very up front and jolly hockey sticks - she was brill). Then make sure you get a decent nights sleep. I am sure things will seem much better, and you will be better able to cope.

It's not easy becoming a mum. But it goes so quickly. You can't get this time back, do try to enjoy it. X

lottiegarbanzo · 26/07/2017 00:22

Acting the know-it-all is never helpful. It is an ingrained habit for many people. Tell him to stop. He has no more knowledge and experience than you and neither of you know how you will experience your child in future.

How the child is and how you are, are both important factors in that. You will cope better if supported by someone with a bit of empathy and better social skills than your DH currently has. Tell him that and maybe he can contribute to making the experience better for all of you.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/07/2017 00:24

To put it another way, is it more important to him to feel he's right, or to be happy?

squishysquirmy · 26/07/2017 00:37

I find my toddler much, much easier now than when she was a baby!
At least once they learn to talk they can tell you why they're upset.
(It might be a ridiculous reason, but at least you'll know!) Grin
As they get older it becomes easier to distract them from a tantrum, they sleep more, they gain more independance and eventually they reach a point where they are even capable of understanding bribes being reasoned with.

It sounds awful, but although I loved my dd to bits at that age, I feel that babies are hard because they don't give much back, iyswim? (I know that sounds really selfish/needy, I am not sure how to explain it better).

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