Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To find husband's comments upsetting?

51 replies

Goldfishshoals · 25/07/2017 22:35

Our baby is four months old. I'm really struggling with her, she makes 'unhappy' noises a lot - it's not so bad on days when she naps, but some days she just can't seem to sleep and then the unhappiness is constant, and no amount of distraction/playing/singing/holding/sling walking/etc seems to do anything.

I end the day exhausted and feeling pretty crap about myself.

At lunchtime today I commented to my husband that the baby hadn't napped at all this morning and I was probably in for a difficult afternoon - his response was to say 'Well she can't sleep all the time and it will only get worse as she gets older'. This isn't the first time he's said something like this, and he often likes to tell me that when she becomes a toddler she will be more difficult/demanding etc.

I like to believe that I will cope better with an older child, and that I'll find then easier to communicate and play with - but even if he's right and it's just all shit from here on out, why keep telling me? What does it help? It's not like I can decide I'm a crap mum and give the baby back or something!

OP posts:

OfficerVanHalen · 26/07/2017 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump · 26/07/2017 01:00

op, I had to tell my husband earlier this evening that the words he was saying were unsupportive and unhelpful and that I needed him to stop saying them. He argued that he was both supportive and helpful. I replied that I did not find his remarks to be so and asked him to kindly cease and desist. He did after that, albeit with some grumbling (he was holding forth on a topic he knows nothing about, that only affects me).

I'm sure my DH didn't MEAN to be a twat, but he needed it to be spelt out that his remarks were upsetting and needed to cease. Your DH may need to receive the same treatment. Good luck.

P.S. Babies do get easier, it's true. Hang in there.

JayneAusten · 26/07/2017 01:08

Oh that is unkind of him (and also ignorant).

My little girl was unhappy a lot as a little baby and it's soul destroying. Some days she used to just cry and whinge non stop. We'd have a few minute of doing something nice or a smile or something and then you'd see her going back into the whinge/cry and your heart would just sink. She woke multiple times a night. By the time she became a toddler she slept a lot better and became the absolute ray of sunshine she is now. I think she had a sore tummy a lot as a baby - plenty do. Now she is the happiest little girl you can imagine - a total joy and the easiest child to look after.

LatinForTelly · 26/07/2017 01:41

I don't know why people do this. I remember someone saying to me, 'oh wait 'til she's crawling'. Well, when she was crawling, it was a hell of a lot easier because she could crawl about with me when I was hoovering etc. Miles easier.

I appreciate some people find the baby stage easiest but not me. So don't worry, OP, it really does get easier! It was very unhelpful of your husband in particular to take this approach.

You're really, really not a crap mum, btw.

DonkeyOil · 26/07/2017 01:42

What he should be saying is:

"Never mind, love, It's just a phase she'll grow out of. You must be exhausted. I'll have her this afternoon while you get some rest."

It would make all the difference to the way you feel. Why don't some men get it? YANBU

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2017 01:59

I think it does get easier.

I also think your dh doesn't have a magic ball, so has no idea how your baby will grow and develop.

I also think you should maybe ask your doctor about these "'unhappy' noises a lot". It could be she has some digestive issues, I'd see if the noises are in relation to the eating times or anything. Could be trapped wind or something. I'd look into it and see if there is any discomfort there.

Your husband needs to be supporting you and not upsetting you, please do tell him.

Marylou2 · 26/07/2017 02:02

Oh bless you OP of course you're not a terrible mother and it absolutely does get easier as they get older. Your husband is being at total arse. I remember this stage well. You need as much help and support as you can get. Have you spoken to your health visitor and GP to ensure there's nothing physically wrong with your child. Otherwise, have you read Gina Ford's books? For some reason she is hugely unpopular on Mumsnet but I certainly found that her reassuring routines worked for me. Good luck.

ThinkOfTheHorses · 26/07/2017 03:26

Give her to him for a day ( with pumped milk if BF) and let him fucking struggle

retainertrainer · 26/07/2017 06:38

My DS was like that. He was a whinging,sleep avoiding baby. I used to walk his in his pram for hours so he'd get a decent sleep and not be so cranky.

By 18 months he was an absolute breeze and has been ever since. No tantrums,no grumpiness just a happy,active chap. We could enjoy activities together and he was an absolute pleasure.

Does your baby sleep on you? DS would only nap on the move (buggy or car) or after a feed on my lap. I indulged him completely. It meant that he got the sleep he needed and I got an hour of peace.

Whatsername17 · 26/07/2017 06:47

Well, he's talking bollocks for a start. Dd1 had colic. I couldn't put her down, she'd only nap on me, was up 2-3 times a night. I had to rock her in my arms to get her to sleep and when she got too big, either drive around and wait for her to fall asleep or push her in the pushchair. Then the bap would last 20 minutes. She was demanding and temperamental and there were days when I could have jumped out of an upstairs window. As a toddler though, she was golden. Terrible twos? Didn't have them. She was a gorgeous bundle of happiness and so easily pleased. Some babies just hate being babies. They become much easier when they can do a bit more. Arrange a day out and leave her with your husband. You need a break and he needs to develop some empathy.

TenForward82 · 26/07/2017 07:03

It definitely gets better as they get older x

harlandgoddard · 26/07/2017 07:09

YANBU. I really struggled with the baby stage and FWIW I much prefer toddlerhood so far. I had people telling me I was in for a shock, oh just you wait, now's the easy bit etc. Used to really piss me off actually. All babies are different. Odd coming from your husband though, does he spend much time with her?

kittytom · 26/07/2017 07:16

Four months was a hellish time for both my babies - it is a well known 'phase', they constantly wanted milk and cried seemingly non-stop. It was all lovely and easy by six months. My husband was pretty unhelpful at the time too. He just didn't appreciate what it was like for me. At about six months we started weaning and giving a bottle so he was able to take DD1 for a day each week did help him appreciate what I was doing more (although by that time she was much easier!)

Saying 'well she'll be a difficult toddler so get used to it' is pretty pointless! And she might not be, mine wasn't. until she was 3

Argeles · 26/07/2017 07:34

That's really tough op. Every baby and child are different and yours may be more difficult now than when she's a toddler.

I think a lot of men (and people in general) are often unsure as to what to say, and don't mean to say the wrong thing and think they're being supportive.

You shouldn't have to do this op, but I have done similar with my DH before and it worked, when he made similar comments. I sat him down and said that I needed to talk to him about something that had upset me. I told him how I felt, and that whilst he probably thinks he was being helpful, he really wasn't and made me feel like shit. He said he was just trying to be realistic, and that I was actually doing a fantastic job with my DD, and he'd never meant to offend or worry me.

PingoIsLost · 26/07/2017 07:40

Totally unhelpful.
And I would want to leave your DH ith his child for the day, esp on a day when she is cranky and let him get on with it.

He clearly has no idea at all about how hard it can be

As an aside, Dc1 was like this and it turns out he was allergic to milk. Is it possible this is the case for your DC too?

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/07/2017 07:56

I had a 4mo who decided to take herself off bottles - I had to spoon feed her a loose mixture of baby rice and her prescribed formula. Yip, it was a joyous time. (not) She wasn't a happy baby :(

By six months things were much better, looking back though it felt as if it was never ending.

She's at the toddler stage and presents as a happy/chatty little girl.

Had someone said to me in that 4mo stage that she'd only get worse? I'd of probably told then to politely F off!

Is your husband always this unsupportive? Some words of positivity wouldn't go amiss right now..

Does he spend much time with her?

JollyRodger · 26/07/2017 08:04

3-6 months are the ages i struggle with most. It gets easier when they can sit at 6 months. The Best is yet to come OP 😊

LeMontane · 26/07/2017 08:20

What does he do to help you?

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 08:21

It sounds like he was just saying what he felt at the time, maybe not thinking too much of your feelings.

Try and just go with the day to day stuff, as it all changes. Most dads i know say they struggled with it up to about a year, when they were less attacked to mum and became more human!

I'd try and work with him rather than fight with him.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 26/07/2017 08:22

If you've been moaning a fair but daily then he may have made the comment out of frustration. If it's the first ever comment youve made then he was mean.

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 26/07/2017 08:30

I honestly think unless you have had a baby at home with you all day for weeks you have no idea how hard it is . I certainly wasn't expecting it to be this hard. OH varies on how sympathetic he is (depends on how hard his day is at work) but I think it's quite easy to dismiss if you haven't done it, if you see what I mean. It's easy to think it's all cuddles and cups of tea!
Chin up OP. Yes it's hard but I'm sure you are a perfectly lovely mummy.

PeggyPatchandPoppy · 26/07/2017 08:33

Also my DD is a total Daddy's girl! She bloody loves men, I think it's because they are a bit sturdier, so she always seems so happy when she is with her daddy which I think adds to him not being able to see how hard it is for me at times!

Redredredrose · 26/07/2017 08:42

It's not very supportive of him, and it might be bollocks anyway. My son was a nightmare baby - a colicky, refluxy, nap-refusing, screaming monster. As soon as he was able to crawl, hhe was happier. Once he could walk, he was happier still, and now he's 2.5 and is really a dream to look after - never tantrums, sleeps and naps well, loving and funny. It's SO SO much easier than it was two years ago.

RoboticSealpup · 26/07/2017 09:04

DD was so clingy and needy at that age. Never slept, never napped. I was so shattered. In our case, she just got better at sleeping and became more and more easy-going the older she got. She's 2.5 now and an absolute joy to be around.

flipflap75 · 26/07/2017 09:21

OP, entirely unhelpful comments from your husband, and incorrect in my experience.

My DS was overtired and grizzly for his first few months (so was I, as a result). He simply would not sleep during the day, and then suffered at night because of it. I tried Gina Ford sleep times for the sake of it, and it was like a magic key with him - he slept like clockwork from the day I started it and carried on with the two-hour lunchtime nap until he started primary school.

I should add that I tried the same with my DD a couple of years later, and she wasn't having any of it!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread