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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OK I Am 48 - But Actually AIBU?

37 replies

ExpatinBah · 25/07/2017 16:08

Long long story over 12 years will not bore you all. I detest my brother and only class myself as the only sibling when asked. I acknowledge he exists but do not talk to him ever.

I live abroad and my daughters (16,18) have decided to move back to UK for their college/university. In the meantime, they are residing with my parents (who are more than happy to have them) and I give them £2,000 per month (direct to my parents) for allowances of all forms etc. Over the years, I have 'given'' my parents nearly £10,000 for allowances just for their comfort.

I have had issues with my H over the years and moved back to live with my children twice - each time with my parents for just a few months before I moved back (again please do not judge me)
My parents live in a 4 bedroomed house and my brother and his wife (2 young kids) have decided to move in from the country they lived in - basically kicking them out of my parents bedroom so the four of them (brother/wife/kids) can stay longer term as larger room for certain reasons.

When I lived there for just a few months, I was advised to pay rent (consistently told off by father for having a shower as in not leaving the hot water running too long as they are pensioners and I am not paying the electric bill - for FFS - I am paying for all 3 of us - 2 girls and I) - without online food ordering for ALL of us etc etc.

Parents have not asked for a penny from my brother and his family (been 3 weeks now) and I feel incredibly resentful to have been treated in the past completely differently. Its seem to me one rule for one and one for another.

Am I being unreasonable to have broken ties with my parents? (Oh and father and I have never got on but my mother was my rock on many occasions) but feel I need to stand my ground.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 25/07/2017 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pallisers · 25/07/2017 16:28

Your parents are certainly the place everyone ends up when they need a berth. They must be at least 70 - I would find it hard to have that many people needing my house to be open to them like that.

I think you would be unreasonable to cut ties with your parents because they treated your brother differently to you. It was their choice. I can see why you'd be upset but to cut ties with people who have given you a place to stay well into your adult years and provided a place for their grandchildren too - that is harsh.

CoolCarrie · 25/07/2017 16:31

You are lucky that your parents have done soo much for you and your dds. You have an issue with your brother, but your parents obviously don't, and I would think that the fact you say your mother has been a rock for you means you need to make take her feelings onboard, as well as your own. Your brother is being cheeky, but they won't be staying forever, don't fall out with your mum over this, it isn't worth it.

CoolCarrie · 25/07/2017 16:32

Life is too short, OP and your pride will trip you up!

CoolCarrie · 25/07/2017 16:35

You can't cut ties with your parents, if your daughters are staying with them or are you planning to get them to move out as part of your stand on this matter?

Original poster

ExpatinBah · 25/07/2017 16:35

Yes, my girls live with them now for the time being but overly provide for both girls (of course, their decision to ultimately return to UK for education/but both work earning their own salaries in part time jobs).

My brother is the issue - although being told to give rent/electricity/water etc @ £1000 initially when there - I could not have given it more willingly without being asked but my brother and his family are taking the absolute piss in not paying anything whatsoever - and I mean nothing.

This is my parents problem and of course, offering a roof over their heads but this family have enough more than enough money to pay for at least 12 months rental nearby and provisions - yet sponge of my parents it seems (and yes, my parents are to blame for allowing it)

OP posts:

MadMags · 25/07/2017 16:39

How do you know he's not paying?

The lot of you need to stop treating their home as a hotel. FFS!

They're pensioners. I'll bet they would have loved some peace and quiet.

But of course, once they let your whole family bar your dh move in, they couldn't exactly say no to him, could they?

MadMags · 25/07/2017 16:40

and yes, my parents are to blame for allowing it

They allowed you to stay. They allow your dd's to stay. How come they're happy to do it for your dd's but shouldn't be for your brother?

Don't get me wrong, I think he's a piss taker. I just think he's not the only one.

dotdotdotmustdash · 25/07/2017 16:51

For the same money, couldn't you rent a little flat in the area and give your girls some money for food and bills? at 18 and 16 they might be mature enough to handle it if their grandparents lived nearby. You certainly could in this area.

ChasedByBees · 25/07/2017 16:54

It seems you have a lot of problems with people - you detest your brother, have issues with your ex and are now considering cutting contact with your parents after they've done a huge amount for you.

I do think you might well be being unreasonable.

PoorYorick · 25/07/2017 16:58

I feel sorry for your parents and I wonder why you hate your brother so much.

Cackleberry4 · 25/07/2017 17:01

What has being 48 got to do with anything?

Pengggwn · 25/07/2017 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoosicalDaisy · 25/07/2017 17:07

I would move your children out into their own flat

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/07/2017 17:07

You're all treating your parents like hotel proprietors! I think you should stop it.

It may be mean of me to point out but...it is you who haven fallen out with your brother, your husband, your parents. There is only one common denominator there.....

MoosicalDaisy · 25/07/2017 17:08

And I would say it's more your brother taking advantage of his parents, you should be angry at him

pinkdelight · 25/07/2017 17:08

Agree it's none of your business and think you must be looking for stuff to get angry about. Why would you cut off your parents on a matter of principle, when in practical terms they are being good with your girls and have helped you in the past? Regardless of the money, they didn't have to let you stay. It sounds totally needless for you to get involved with the situation regarding your brother, esp as you don't even acknowledge he exists so why start now? Just because you want to be part of the drama? You are, as you say, 48 and in a different country. Get on with your own life and leave them be.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/07/2017 17:08

No YANBU - one rule for you (the DD) and another rule for your brother (the DS) just shows what your parents attitude is. THey will bend over backwards to accommodate him at their own cost, but while they will still have you and your girls, you have to pay to be there.

Disgusting attitude from them; but your brother is hardly going to do anything about it, is he. Why would he? He's got the golden end of the stick, not the shitty end!

biffyboom · 25/07/2017 17:14

Use the £2000 per month you give to your parents to set your dds up in their own place if it bothers you so much about your brother and his family.
Your dds will be fine financially, especially as you say they have part-time jobs also.

steff13 · 25/07/2017 17:16

I don't think it's any of your business what your parents are or are not charging your brother for rent. How do you know anything about it, anyway?

MistressDeeCee · 25/07/2017 17:17

Reminds me of my aunt who will do anything for her boys - my "Suns" she calls them. They go back and forth to her, eating her out of house and home generally taking the piss. & they're grown adults

Her daughter (she doesn't call her my "Star" is expected to fend for herself in everything, criticised for every little error. Whilst her brothers can do no wrong

Im so over parents who favour their sons over their daughters

You've been unfairly treated OP and those who say its none of your business would squawk if it happened to them. You paid for your DDs to stay, and your parents accepted that money its not as if you landed your girls there on the scrounge

You were right to cut ties and I hope you feel better soon. This thread would have been better in Relationships - have it moved over there if you can you'll get more measured advice, without goading

FizzyGreenWater · 25/07/2017 17:20

Honestly, if you are paying out that much a month, it might as well be on rent, or a mortgage for a small flat!

If you think your daughters are mature enough for this, this is the way you should go. Especially if you might have the funds to buy a property - that way, the money is working much better for you.

Agree with others on the situation with your parents. You've certainly had a huge help from them too. However, I can also see your side of it re favouring your brother (and there are certain types of even elderly parents who like nothing better than to have the kind of input into children/grandchildren's lives as this set up is giving your parents...) So I am on the fence here, but would say that if the situation is that your brother is the favoured one and they are only too happy to put him up for free while taking £2k a month from you (!!) - then I would say that removing that income, and your daughters, makes your point quite effectively.

And if they're actually the souls of generosity who are simply intimidated by your brother, then also - stopping this situation will make your point to him while also giving your parents at least some relief from the houseful of constant guests!

EggysMom · 25/07/2017 17:21

Maybe it's something about parents of 48-year-olds - mine are similarly blind to the imbalance in relationships with me and my brother In my case, brother never visits our parents, never calls them, never remembers birthdays, makes incredibly minimal effort. In turn I telephone weekly, visit twice a year, ensure I send birthday and anniversary cards etc.

When I forgot their anniversary one year, there was hell to pay. I've already been told that, "as the daughter", they expect me to help if they have to go in to care.

No wills, so everything will be left 50:50.

And they cannot see why I have an issue with the imbalance ... Sons can do not wrong, it would seem.

CoughLaughFart · 25/07/2017 17:26

I don't think anyone could say you haven't been financially generous to your parents. However, they have also been generous to you in the way they've opened up their home and made adjustments in their lives.

You don't say why you fell out with your brother. Was that by any chance over money? If he has a history of taking advantage financially, I can see why you're pissed off. But what I don't understand is, if you don't talk, how are you so sure he a) isn't giving your parents anything and b) could easily afford to do so? Has the information come from your daughters? It seems odd that two teenagers would be so privy to the private financial arrangements of an uncle their mother doesn't even talk to.

I wouldn't risk losing a mother you call your rock over this. Not without being absolutely certain you know the full story rather than Chinese whispers.

cafetea · 25/07/2017 17:33

Could your kids live with a family from the school they go to and you could pay them instead of financing your brothers family stay at your parents?

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