OK I Am 48 - But Actually AIBU?

[ExpatinBah]

Long long story over 12 years will not bore you all. I detest my brother and only class myself as the only sibling when asked. I acknowledge he exists but do not talk to him ever.

I live abroad and my daughters (16,18) have decided to move back to UK for their college/university. In the meantime, they are residing with my parents (who are more than happy to have them) and I give them £2,000 per month (direct to my parents) for allowances of all forms etc. Over the years, I have 'given'' my parents nearly £10,000 for allowances just for their comfort.

I have had issues with my H over the years and moved back to live with my children twice - each time with my parents for just a few months before I moved back (again please do not judge me)
My parents live in a 4 bedroomed house and my brother and his wife (2 young kids) have decided to move in from the country they lived in - basically kicking them out of my parents bedroom so the four of them (brother/wife/kids) can stay longer term as larger room for certain reasons.

When I lived there for just a few months, I was advised to pay rent (consistently told off by father for having a shower as in not leaving the hot water running too long as they are pensioners and I am not paying the electric bill - for FFS - I am paying for all 3 of us - 2 girls and I) - without online food ordering for ALL of us etc etc.

Parents have not asked for a penny from my brother and his family (been 3 weeks now) and I feel incredibly resentful to have been treated in the past completely differently. Its seem to me one rule for one and one for another.

Am I being unreasonable to have broken ties with my parents? (Oh and father and I have never got on but my mother was my rock on many occasions) but feel I need to stand my ground.

My brother is so favoured, golden child. Me the scapegoat. I have just gone NC with him as he and to a large extent my mother don't acknowledge my disability. My brother is a brute, who I fear will one day put me in hospital with his stupidity and ignorance. So I'm also over sons being favoured over daughters.

Did your parents side with your brother in the argument? Like my mother did? (my father is deceased) According to my mother, we as brother and sister just don't get on. Nooooo, last week he drove off when he clearly saw and failed to acknowledge I was desperately holding onto his car and couldn't move so he drove off. As a result, I fell onto the ground. This was the day we buried my stepdads ashes much to his shame.

Even with what happened to me, I still don't think the ongoing feud with your former brother should not be visited on your elderly parents.

I agree with others, you should stop relying on your parents and move your dds out. If they need the cash from their sunshine, they will have to ask.

My mother called brother sunshine, now she calls his son sunshine. She called me poppet for a very short period of time, it was mostly shrew or another derogatory term. She now calls my dd poppet.

What a psychodrama this is! It seems no-one has fully flown the nest

I would guess that all this has its roots in how you and your DB were treated as children, and you can't quite bring yourself to put this on your parents, because you rely upon them; so it's all your brother's fault

Don't know how old your girls are but 2k a month? they could live in a shared student house (not London) for about £800 or less in some areas.

I suspect your Two thousand a month is subsidising your DB. I would move the girls out, stay civil with dad and keep in touch with mum but just detach yourself from their domestics.

How long have your parents had your children living with them?

Is your dh their dad?

Have they ever lived in the country you do?

How many what's have your parents been looking after your children? Wouldn't it be better if you and your husband did that?

Years not what's!

You are cutting ties with the people who house your DC? crazy, OP, crazy!
Apart from anything else, what an awkward position to put your DC in?
Your DPs have done both you and your brother HUGE favours. you seem to have the notion that , throwing enough money at them negates that .
parenting a 16 and an 18 year old girl is probably not what they had planned for this stage in life.

You are fixating on the money that you pay your parents for your DDs keep, but it isn't just about the money, it's about the changes (both good and bad) that having two teenagers living with them must have made to your parents lives.

Your whole approach seems a bit weird to me -- at 16 (which is quite young) and 18 your daughters are living in a different country to both their parents and presumably have been doing so for a while.

You seem to stay your current place of residence solely because of your relationship with your DH (you say that you have periodically returned to the UK when the rship isn't going well and that is the only time you live with your children).

According to you everyone is "perfectly happy" with this set up -- your parents are delighted to have your daughters live with them and provide their day-to-day care, both physical and emotional; support them as they go through exams, friendships, relationships, etc. Your daughters "have chosen" to move away from their own parents to another country and are similarly fine with seeing their mother sporadically (when her relationship with their father isn't going so well). And you are more than happy to pay £2K a month and think that is discharging your parental responsibilities adequately. Then your big brother comes along and HE is the one who's taking the piss!

Forget your decades-old issues with you brother -- what on earth is going on with your own family??

Of course YABU to have cut ties with your parents. It's their house, you are staying there and what they say goes. You stayed there for months at a time and you said your brother has stayed there for three weeks i.e. not a month(s). In a weeks time, they may well ask him for rent but even if they don't, it's none of your business really. If you're not happy staying there, paying rent and ordering food for all of you and paying electricity bills then stay somewhere else for a couple of months and pay for your own food, rent and anything else.

YABU, 3 weeks is a very temporary visit. Who would charge their family for a visit unless they really needed the money?
Your DDs have been living there, totally different.

YABU, as has been stated