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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask what you do for sex in between r/ships?

40 replies

Tillymintsmama · 25/07/2017 12:08

So i haven't been in a relationship for over 4 years. A little bit lonely and sex starved. What do you do in between relationships? Is no strings sex acceptable for a woman in her 40s these days?!

OP posts:

JustGandering36 · 25/07/2017 12:34

Yes of course it is as long you take the corrects pre-cautions with contraception. It's no one elses business who you sleep with as long as it is consented sex.

NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 12:36

No strings sex is crap though tbh.

Without that emotional closeness it can be not enjoyable.

Then you may find you catch feelings.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/07/2017 12:39

Ha, absolutely. I'm not particularly interested in another relationship but do miss the regular sex side of it so have 'arrangements' in place.
Fwiw, I do think finding a regular fwb makes a lot more sense than no strings strangers. You should be able to find someone via online dating without too much trouble.

WinchestersInATardis · 25/07/2017 12:40

*No strings sex is crap though tbh.

Without that emotional closeness it can be not enjoyable.*

It's not for everyone but it works for me. Very much depends on your personality though.

AdalindSchade · 25/07/2017 12:42

Tinder, casual dating. More than happy to have a relationship so I don't say I'm looking for casual sex but most dates don't turn into a relationship so end up being casual sex
If I fancy him I will have sex with him.

luckiestgirl · 25/07/2017 12:46

Of course it is! Get yourself on tinder

bridgetreilly · 25/07/2017 12:54

Not having sex is also perfectly fine.

craftsy · 25/07/2017 13:15

Great thread. I haven't had sex in years due to addict ex-husband asking me to give him a chance to recover and spending a long, long time in limbo while he alternated addictions. I really, really don't want another relationship as I am enjoying the peace of singledom so much. But OMG am I desperate for a shag. I joined PoF recently but perversely I've found the amount of attention I immediately garnered very off-putting. I didn't even put up a photo and had 30 messages in a couple of days. (I also recently read at least two thrillers which involved single mothers being fridged by their internet hook-ups so that's a bit off-putting!)

I enjoyed casual sex quite a bit back when I was last single (during the last millennium!) but that involved meeting guys organically rather than putting myself out there just for sex. Sure nightclubs are a bit meat-markety but I went there to dance and have fun with my friends. Hooking-up was an occasional bonus not the whole point of the endeavour. And I just can't shake the idea that the majority of guys online looking for casual sex are married.

I'd really love a friends with benefits with someone, maybe a rp single dad who's enjoying single parenthood but wants semi-regular sex. But at this point in my life I only ever seem to be around women and very occasionally their husbands. I know one widow but I just don't fancy him even though some people think he's gorgeous. I developed a mild crush on my new postman which was nice. But then yesterday morning I was sipping coffee in my porch when my old postman came back from his holidays. Lovely guy but older than my dad.

I guess I need to buy some batteries.

Ijustwantaquietlife · 25/07/2017 13:18

Have some fun with some younger guys on tinder. If your in shape post a good image or go on a month long fitness and health drive as people are pretty shallow on it.

Ijustwantaquietlife · 25/07/2017 13:18

Have some fun with some younger guys on tinder. If your in shape post a good image or go on a month long fitness and health drive as people are pretty shallow on it.

Skarossinkplunger · 25/07/2017 13:19

No strings sex is crap though tbh

Speak for yourself. I loved it!

Op Tinder is your friend. Or find yourself a FWB

ShatnersWig · 25/07/2017 13:20

Tilly As a single woman, I suspect you will have no problem finding a bloke for casual sex. I wish it were so easy for a bloke who has been single for 7 years. I'd much prefer a relationship but after this long, good god I need it!

No, I'm not offering! Just statement of fact.

stevie69 · 25/07/2017 13:25

So i haven't been in a relationship for over 4 years. A little bit lonely and sex starved. What do you do in between relationships? Is no strings sex acceptable for a woman in her 40s these days?! blush

Absolutely. Especially with young, pretty boys in their 30s. Having said that, I don't do that often. But the option is most certainly there.

s xx

Original poster

Tillymintsmama · 25/07/2017 13:48

I tried Tinder but I didn't like the way it hooked up with my Facebook so freaked out and deleted it. I'm also not "in shape" as a size 16 with wobbly bits that should be toned. But I'm quite happy with myself despite not being a perfect body and think I scrub up ok with a bit of lipgloss.

I miss the whole kit and caboodle of sex, the snogging and naked skin so just battery operated stuff is not really what I'm after. Also attached guys = scumbag IMHO.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tillymintsmama · 25/07/2017 13:51

stevie69 where do you find these 30 something guys??

shatnerswig it's not easy!!! Not even for a single woman!! -whereabouts are you based??!-

OP posts:

MrsMeeseeks · 25/07/2017 13:53

"No strings sex is crap though tbh."

Not the way I do it.

PinkHeart5911 · 25/07/2017 13:53

It's 2017 if you want no strings sex, bloody well go for it ( as long as you use protection of course)

Great yourself out there. You could join a dating site/app? Go out to a singles night ( local bars etc normally do them) ? Approach a guy on a night out?

I've been with dh many years now, but before I met him it was only ever causal no strings sex for me. I had some very good nights and learnt a few skills dh now enjoys

ShatnersWig · 25/07/2017 13:54

Tilly I think it is much easier for a single woman than a single man and I get that picture in the first instance from what plenty of women on MN threads say and the second instance from other single men I know.

I'm avoiding answering your specific question! Cheeky!

Original poster

Tillymintsmama · 25/07/2017 13:54

MrsMeeseeks care to elaborate?.....

OP posts:

PinkHeart5911 · 25/07/2017 13:54

No strings sex is crap though tbh Not in my experience, maybe you were shagging the wrong people

PetraStrorm · 25/07/2017 14:02

Try OKCupid. It's so much more flexible in terms of who you can search for, and what you can declare you're looking for in your own profile and I've found it to be very nonjudgmental. Another bonus - it's not as swamped with sad chancers as POF is imho.

As well as your 'usual' crowd, it's where a lot of polyamorous people go. If you're ok with open and honest non-monogamy (VERY different from people in supposedly monogamous relationships looking for illicit thrills), you might find someone to fit your life perfectly.

One thing I've learned - just be utterly honest about what you're looking for or may be open to. That way it's clear from the start, and anyone who doesn't respect you for it is not worth a moment of your precious time

loaferloveforyou · 25/07/2017 14:11

It's acceptable for anyone providing you are safe and not hurting anyone. When I was single I had a regular friend I could call up for a bit. I never really felt comfortable with having sex with a stranger - I much preferred it with someone I at least knew and felt comfortable with.

Having said that, I think I had more sex when I was single than I do these days

TeaMeBasil · 25/07/2017 14:19

No strings can be great if you can find the right person. Someone you're genuinely not going to develop deeper feelings for but can have a lot of fun with. A sexual friendship I guess. Absolutely possible.

Finding the right person is the slightly trickier bit but you can do it 😉

ShatnersWig · 25/07/2017 14:20

Basil Come on then, don't just give a knowing wink. Tell those of us who'd like to get a bit how to find a bit!

chestylarue52 · 25/07/2017 14:20

This is my approach

Go to specified website for this sort of thing, adultfriendfinder is a good one, craigslist is also good.

Specify exactly what you want. Don’t try and dress it up to make yourself look attractive! ‘I am in my 40s and a size 16, I have wobbly bits, I’d like to meet a unattached kind polite man to have some hot sex with, I’m not looking for a boyfriend but I want someone who will have a cup of tea with me and hang out for a bit and make sure I get home ok after. Ideally I’d like an ongoing arrangement I insist on using condoms and I will meet you in a public place and be telling a friend where we are going.

Yes you’ll get a lot of unsolicited dick pics but just ignore them. Only talk to men who speak in sentences. Talk about the kind of sex you want and reiterate using condoms. Any red flags – block and move on.

Go to coffee shops to meet prospectives. Do a test, say no to something, that they want, see how they take it. If you feel the slightest pressure say nice to meet you and walk away.

I have met three nice men and had great sex with them this way in the time I’ve been single

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