To think it's not on to charge your own family??

[ethelfleda]

I posted a free weeks back about helping my grandmother take someone to court for ripping her off to the tune of nearly £5k to fit a boiler. I picked her up today to go through the process online and discuss how we will proceed etc.

I told her that if she needs to attend court that I will take time off work and take her. She is nearly 90 and doesn't find these things easy anymore!! She was very grateful and said she would pay me for my time. I said I absolutely didn't expect her to pay me for helping her as she is family and you help family because you can and should.

I was then horrified to learn that more than one member of my family (a cousin, an uncle and my own father) have, in the past, charged her to do handy work around the house. Jobs ranging from putting up some shelving to tiling a kitchen/bathroom amongst others. And this isn't just her paying for the materials... She has paid them for their actual labour!!

AIBU to think that it is not on to charge your own family to do jobs around the house for them?? Especially when they are elderly and are no longer able to do things for themselves? She has asked me not to say anything to them and said she will pay professionals in future. But I am really disappointed for her!!

I guess the other question is did she insist on paying? My mum & dad basically look after my grandma now (mum's side) since my granddad died. She insists on paying for everything and she's also 90 - she wouldn't let my dad do a job for free or a reduced price. She wouldn't even let me do a job for free and insisted on me leaving with £40 for removing all of the gross mossy bits from the brickwork in her front yard.

I refused it up front and mum put it in my bank the next day as insisted by my grandma.

I generally agree with you OP. It is not on.

But maybe if your relative was a professional tiler and was turning down paid work he could ill afford to turn down, to help a relative, then it would not be so bad to charge the relative.

Also, sometimes a relative wants to pay.

My mum paid my sis to do her hair. My sis never wanted to do it but mum insisted. Sometimes it is right for a relative to pay but generally I would be careful, especially doing a favour like you are doing, the gesture is nice and kind and paying for it really spoils the gesture.

It is a bit of a "thing" in my experience that grandparents insist on giving money for your time/effort.
My own grandma used to always give me £5 when I went to see her - I didn't like to take it because it almost felt like she was giving it to me to say thank you for coming, but that wasn't it. She just wanted me to have it for a treat and told me that it made her happy to give it to me and why would I deny her that? So I always took it after that and said thank you.

I realise this isn't the case with your family members though, but it might still be your grandmother offering them money and insisting on paying them - and them deciding to take it.

It's a bit off to charge her that much though! £300 on tiling over 2 days when your Dad wouldn't have been losing out on any money himself - that's taking advantage, that is.

I guess there's nothing you can do or say about it, and I also guess that your grandmother will keep on doing what she's been doing, regardless of your feelings about it. But I'd also feel a bit about your male relatives who may have been taking advantage of her.

£200 per day 8am-2.30pm is standard round here for tiling, plastering etc. I hesitate to use the word professional for some of the fucking Cowboys I've come across, but the tiling in my bathroom was worth every penny.

DH is a handyman and he does a lot of work for my Mum and Uncle. He charges her but at a discounted rate because if he's working there he's turned down other work. Also neither of them would be happy letting him do the work without paying.

It depends.
Small odd jobs, never in a million years that's awful.

Bigger jobs e.g tiling a bathroom, sorting plumbing, big pieces of joinery, doing yhe whole garden then I'd happily do it for nothing but would graciously accept an offer. One of DH's relatives does things this way for family. Their argument is they would have had to pay anyway so the custom is family do it for nothing, relative offers a token half way amount, family member graciously accepts the kindness.

As others have said -depends on the job, whether they had to turn work down to do it etc. Putting up shelves does sound a bit mean - but the tiling ...maybe not.
My brother (electrician) charged me a discounted rate labour for himself and full price for the two other workers on a full house rewire. It was a big job, took a couple of full days work (7am to 10pm) and he had to turn down other work to be able to do it. He did supply the materials at cost price .
I probably could have got another company to do a basic job cheaper - but I know it is a really good job, definitely not a bodge/cowboy job, no shortcuts and it is done to better than the minimum standard - good quality fittings, more than minimum cable thickness and extras - excess sockets, extra hard wired smoke alarm, house alarm etc etc. And the wiring is in place for eg a motorised garage door which I plan to get installed in the future. I followed his recommendations for what to have and it is to the standard he would do in his own house. To get what I had done, from a trustworthy company, would have cost at least £1K...probably closer to £2K more - so I have no problem paying for his time.

Are you sure they "charged" her rather than her insisting on paying. My mum will argue all afternoon rather than let me buy her so much as a sandwich for lunch.

Tiling a kitchen/bathroom is a massive job and if you aren't a professional it is also fiddly, frustrating and physically demanding (all that bending and manoeuvring yourself round the fittings) so I think anyone who is willing to do this for a relative for free is a saint.

I agree that it seems mean to charge for the occasional odd job.

If your H is willing to do her house maintenance that's lovely of him, but just keep an eye on how much and how often.

Can I recommend Age Concern? They can supply contact details for approved local tradespeople who can be trusted not to exploit elderly people and have been really helpful to my mum in household emergencies.

Charging your elderly mother to do DIY is everything that is wrong with Western society, we just dont treat old people with respect in this country, its v sad. I wouldn't charge my elderly next door neighbour for helping them out let alone my own mother! People who would do so should hang their heads in shame

Never!

My uncle wanted to charge my DGM £300 back in 1996 to wallpaper her sitting room. They haven't spoken since (DGM died last year). My DF did it for free. She was an OAP and got the bare minimum in benefits! It wasn't even my uncle's trade (he was, probably still is, a bus driver) and he lived 2 minutes away compared to my DF who lived 25 minutes away.

Also my DH NEVER charges his parents to do jobs for them and he ripped out my DM's entire house, painted it from top to bottom, put back her kitchen and other stuff - FOR FREE!

But why would you ask your son to tile a room for you if a) he's not a professional tiler and b) you can afford to pay someone to do it? Dh can tile (slowly) but I'd be narked if his parents expected him to give up his whole weekend to do this. Odd jobs, lifts to hospital - fine, of course.

my dad charged me a discounted rate to do some electrical work - I don't think that's so bad? He could've taken a job elsewhere and isn't exactly rolling in cash.

Definitely not for odd jobs but we got a few of DH's family members to replace our roof and wouldn't have dreamt of not paying them, they came over from Ireland to do it. We paid for the ferry, fed them and gave them money for doing it. OK to charge some money for big jobs but putting up shelves?? Ridiculous.

I can see why charging for child-minding on a regular basis could be done (at better-than-mates rates), depending upon the circumstances of both parties and maybe for big tasks where the person doing the work is taken away from his / her paid work. I understand why a PP would definitely charge more distant relatives for computer wizardry and such dark arts.
Other than that sort of thing, no. I do loads of jobs every week for my mum and plenty for others too, but under no circumstances would I ever charge anyone. It wouldn't be the done thing in our family at all and each of us would be offended if there was any suggestion of payment. What goes around, comes around in our family and we would all help each other out in whichever way we could.
I did know a girl who used to charge her own father a commercial rate for staying in her holiday home, even though she didn't let it out otherwise and wasn't missing out on any income. If she'd asked him to buy a new gas bottle or whatever, that would have been fair.
YANBU

Gosh! My son in law is a plumber and he fitted our new boiler free. We had a quote from British Gas for £2300 to supply and fit. We paid dsil £650 for the boiler and he wouldn't take anything at all for the fitting. We gave him a bottle of wine and an iou for some babysitting. We'd never charge family for anything.

I think it's awful but lots disagree on charging family and believe they should pay hence children paying board etc.

I discovered recently that dd and dsil have been paying £70 a month into my account to cover petrol for the 3 days a week after school childcare I do. I wanted to do it for nothing but they insist this isn't paying for looking after kids just expenses.

My uncle used to charge his very elderly mum when he drove her to hospital appointments.

The same mum who in past years had provided free childcare from birth to teenage years for his two children to enable him and his wife to persue fill time careers. Who housed and fed him for free when his wife kicked him out many times after affairs.

she's almost 90 yrs old....they've blatantly been taking advantage.
I know how insistent grandparents can be but, come on, i'm sure they could have handled that better?

cheeky fuckers! [shocked]

My mum will argue all afternoon rather than let me buy her so much as a sandwich for lunch
That's why our routine is:
Job needs doing
We offer to do it (obviously no cost other than materials)
Relative accepts
Relative insists on a token amount by way of thank you when we're done
We graciously accept their kindness

Given that relative is like your mum and will insist on paying me back if I buy a pint of milk for them, it's not work arguing.

It works backwards too. We need a job doing. Relative offers. We insist on a token amount. Relative accepts.

When we stayed with my gran df (her son) used to do loads of jobs round the house.
Afterwards she would try to pay him, he would refuse. She would then appear with more money than it would have cost her to do it professionally and it would usually end with either him taking the money and buying something for her with it (and then she'd try and pay for that and the cycle would start again) or she'd slip it in our suitcases or something.
Eventually he decided it was better to ask her for a nominal amount so she felt that she'd paid him.

And just because someone isn't professional doesn't necessarily mean that it's a shoddy job or vice versa.

I haven't read all the replies but I guess it varies.

I run my grandad everywhere, loads of errands all the time, pick up his shopping between work etc (he can do it, just I don't like him out walking on his own because he gets out of breathe) I would never expect payment for it.

My nan lives around a 50 minute drive away, I try see her once or twice a week, we do lunch and stuff she's very 'with it' is very lonely and often she won't let me pay for lunch/coffee/anything. Occasionally I can if I get their quicker than her (she's only 68).

My uncle is a painter and decorator and does things for my nan and his dad (grandad) he gets paid for these but at a very discount rate. But he gives up time of his working week for this.

I do things for them outside of my working week because I want it/because I can and because I love them.

I guess everyones situation is different.

My dad (48) just asked my OH to clear his garden/tip run/knock down shed etc for £200 my OH said yeah, of course he will. And we will take the money because it's not a quick easy 5 minute errand. It's a few days work that my dad is capable off but basically can't be bothered with.

My dad regularly does stuff for my nan (his MIL) around her house, like decorating, refitting her kitchen, tiling, etc. DH will often pop down to her house and mow her lawn or sort out her telly (she has a habit of fiddling with it and messing the settings up). Nobody charges her for their time, just materials, but she always offers. We sometimes let her pay for a meal out at a pub, or give DS some money, so it satisfies her need to feel as though she is paying her way, and our distaste at taking money from an old lady.

I don't understand people deliberately setting out to charge relatives for odd jobs. I suppose if you are engaging a relative who is a tradesman for their services you may expect to pay something for their time as they wouldn't be available for paid work whilst helping their relative, but if it's just a case of someone spending their spare weekend painting a wall, that's not the same thing.

Charge your mum or grandma? No way!!

My Nan's version of events was definitely them asking her for money and not her offering it. I do believe this as once DH and I spent a day painting her shed. She didn't offer money (we didn't expect any) but insisted on buying us a carvery lunch instead as a thank you.