AIBU to think that contact arrangements like my DPs are better than the usual ones

[HoHoHoHo]

I don't have any experience of this from the other side but I am in a relationship with someone who has children and their contact works like this.

The children live with their mother but DP spends as much time with
them as possible. Rather than having a rigid routine where the children must spend a certain time of the week with each parent, they look at what the children and they have planned and work it out from there.

If their mum wants to go out or has plans DP has them rather than them getting a babysitter that they don't know. If the children have an activity planned whichever parent is looking after them takes them with no fuss or moaning about it. If one parent is particularly busy one week then the other does the bulk of the childcare without complaint. DP sees more time than usual with his children as a bonus rather than his ex taking the piss. Conversely, if his ex asks him to take them unexpectedly at short notice and he can't for good reason she doesn't fly off the handle and accuse him of not wanting to see his children. She is accepting of our relationship and in an an emergency I even looked after the children in her home (her brother was in a car accident and DP was working away).

They are flexible and see each other as equal parents and don't deliberately make it difficult for each other to have a social life. DP's ex never uses the children as a weapon or blocks contact because she is annoyed with DP. DP is allowed to go to their house to spend an hour or so with them before bedtime sometimes when it is best for the children not to be taken out and they want to stay at home so they get to spend relaxed time with him in their own environment without it being an event.

From the outside this seems like it would be better for the children and better for the parents than a rigid schedule where the children must spend set time with each parent.

Reading on here it seems that this is not the norm but AIBU to think it should be and parents should be able to put their feelings aside to enable this? So many threads seem to be about NRP who refuse to take children to activities, or partners of NRPs who expect the RP's social life to fit in with pre-designated contact times. I also see RP's being encouraged not to be flexible and to insist that it's a set day each week or not at all and NRP's being demonised if something happens which means contact days have to change. I see RP's not allowing their ex in the house at all, even if this means that the children miss out on a precious hour or two with their parent.

Obviously this set up would only work if no abuse has occurred.

I get that parents are hurt when relationships break down but DP split with his ex after he had discovered her having an affair and agreed to try and work things out as he couldn't bear the idea of being separated from his children and wanted to keep the family together. He discovered her in their bed with the same man 18 months later while the children were asleep in the next room (she wasn't expecting him back as a stag do with an overnight stay was cancelled). I think that if he can put his feelings aside to be reasonable with her in the circumstances to enable a good co-parenting relationship with his ex most people should be able to.

[bumblebeebuzzing]

I think it obviously best to be amicable when anything to do with children is involved. However I do think that it is better for children to have routine, surely they are never sure who is picking them up or where they are going to be sleeping that night.

Also having split with a partner and trying to move the last thing I would want is to have them in my home every night reading bedtime stories. I think it is best that children understand mum and dad are not together, this is mums time and that is dads time

[stitchglitched]

'She doesn't have to she just realises it is best for the children to spend time with their Dad.'

There seems to be an implication there though that if she doesn't give your partner first refusal then she isn't caring enough about her kids. What if she started using a babysitter sometimes instead, rather than having to tell her ex everytime she wanted to go out? Would he mind?

[jay55]

Depends on the kids too. Not having a set routine can be really difficult for some kids. It also muddys the water with maintenance when there isn't a set number of nights in each home.
Of course in an ideal world things would be flexible and no one would complain about swapping days where practical and kids would get to do their activities.

[bumblebeebuzzing]

I do find your tone quite patronising and as though people who are not doing it the same way are somehow doing it wrong, or not doing what is best for their children. There are so many different situations that it really isn't as simple as one way is the best way.

[HoHoHoHo]

What if she started using a babysitter sometimes instead, rather than having to tell her ex everytime she wanted to go out? Would he mind?

Yes, just as she would probably mind if they were at our house and he decided to go out and got a babysitter rather than seeing if she wanted to see them. The children would mind as well as they are quite shy and don't like being left with people they don't know well.

[HoHoHoHo]

Also having split with a partner and trying to move the last thing I would want is to have them in my home every night reading bedtime stories

It is nowhere near every night - that would be weird. It is just not an out and out ban.

[HollyHollyHo]

How do they arrange maintenance if there isn't a set amount of nights at NRP?

What happens if one couple has more money and takes 2/3 holidays a year when they aren't available for childcare?

[stitchglitched]

So if he would mind if she used a babysitter, and doing so would mean she wasn't seen to be doing the 'best' for her children, it isn't necessarily a free choice is it. Maybe her friend or neighbour might be happy to pop round sometimes and watch the kids while she nips off to the gym or to do the supermarket shop in peace. I can't imagine not feeling able to do that without having to run it past my ex, just sounds suffocating to me.

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

It is just not an out and out ban

I think that the amount of people who have an out and out ban on exes being in their house is very small! For example, exP dropped off some stuff of DS's that he'd left at his house yesterday and I invited him in to have a chat with DS. I wasn't going to slam the door in his face just because it was my weekend with DS!

I think you have a very warped idea of how most separated parents work. People are not going to be posting on MN when they have a plan that works well for them and their kids. It's usually only when things aren't going so well that they post for advice...

[WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere]

I do find your tone quite patronising and as though people who are not doing it the same way are somehow doing it wrong, or not doing what is best for their children. There are so many different situations that it really isn't as simple as one way is the best way.

This about sums it up for me.

[Solasum]

I can see the merits in this. It really does hang on accepting partners and no residual feelings though. Your DP is very lucky to have found a partner who is so willing to indulge it. Has his ex had any luck meeting anyone new? Not everyone would be happy with an ex being so clearly in the picture at the start of a new relationship.

My ex and I are still finding our way with 'family life After Us', but I did find it really weird going on dates then coming 'home' to ex-partner and child, to the extent I am currently not dating.

[Starlight2345]

It would be a lovely world if everyone was like that but that requires both parties to be reasonable...In most circumstances, it is not so easy. Jealous ex's, Disney dads, children who need to know where they are staying, One partner willing to change, NRP counting every night to reduce maintenance. NRP cancelling short notice due to a better option so leaving RP childcare short, distance parents live from each other... The list is really endless..It is great your DP and his Ex have found a way to make it work but yabu to expect this to work for everyone..

[HoHoHoHo]

How do they arrange maintenance if there isn't a set amount of nights at NRP?
They worked out a figure to help with regular bills and split big purchases (for example school trips etc.) DP buys them things they need when he is with them and vice versa. They sorted this when they split without involvement from the CSA.

What happens if one couple has more money and takes 2/3 holidays a year when they aren't available for childcare?

I occasionally go on holiday with DP and she goes away with her DP. They tell each other when they are going in advance to ensure that the other parent can arrange to have the children. She actually has more CF holidays than DP but DP sees it as more time with the children rather than as a chore. If an emergency came up then then obviously they would use childcare or ask DP's parents or sister (her family aren't in the UK so can't help out much). The children are currently on holiday with their mum and her DP and we are taking them away later in the holidays. Their mum is going away with her DP while we are away. We went away last year when she took the children away.

[Starlight2345]

I think you have a very warped idea of how most separated parents work. People are not going to be posting on MN when they have a plan that works well for them and their kids. It's usually only when things aren't going so well that they post for advice...

This

[HoHoHoHo]

Has his ex had any luck meeting anyone new?

She's still with the guy she cheated with.

Not everyone would be happy with an ex being so clearly in the picture at the start of a new relationship.

I think it would have been quite unreasonable for me to object to him seeing his ex when they share children. If you enter a relationship with someone who has children you have to expect that contact with the ex is needed.

[laureywilliams]

I honestly hope that this arrangement continues to work as well for everyone.

Many of us make contact work in other ways that are different but no better or worse. We just aren't so smug about it.

[HoHoHoHo]

I think you have a very warped idea of how most separated parents work. People are not going to be posting on MN when they have a plan that works well for them and their kids. It's usually only when things aren't going so well that they post for advice...

I hope so

[FoofFighter]

I disagree.

Children need to know what's happening and have stability and routine. Everything changing on a weekly basis is not good for them. Regardless of how amicable or not the parents are.

[Hissy]

I think you all are to be congratulated on managing this situation so responsibly for the DC in all this.

Yes, of course, it's primarily agreed between your DP and his ex, but you too play a big part in this.

It is true to say that MN is the sensational side of life and those who have amicable arrangements don't post as such, but it is really heartening to know that normality is possible.

[Hissy]

I have a friend whose dc spent alternate weeks with each parent. worked well for the parents, the kids said nothing at the time, they both NOW say (as adults) that is was a bloody awful arrangement and they would have preferred more fluidity.

[lanouvelleheloise]

It is nice to hear a story about a split that has been handled in a sensible, adult way that puts the children first. You're lucky to have two adults like that in your life, it is rare.

However, I think there are many, many situations where one person is trying disproportionately hard to make things work, and the other is being a jerk. I don't think both parties carry equal blame in those situations. My heart goes out to parents dealing with a deeply unreasonable and irrational coparent. It sounds like a particularly awful kind of hell.

[Barbie222]

I'm sure the vast majority of separated parents manage excellently well and to the benefit of the children. That's certainly been my experience in RL. As pp have said this feels a bit like you have watched an episode of Eastenders and are then wondering why the whole world seems to be living in a perpetual state of childish high drama.

[HoHoHoHo]

Its also sometimes led by the children as they will request to be looked after by dp sometimes.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I think you have a very warped idea of how most separated parents work. People are not going to be posting on MN when they have a plan that works well for them and their kids. It's usually only when things aren't going so well that they post for advice...

This.

It is like MILs. People like me - who are bumbling along getting on ok with their MiL even though we have very little in common and often resort to conversations about the weather, a random second cousin I have met once or cute things the kids said - don't post about it. Because there is nothing to talk about. It is just bumbling along.