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AIBU?

AIBU to think that contact arrangements like my DPs are better than the usual ones

78 replies

HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 12:44

I don't have any experience of this from the other side but I am in a relationship with someone who has children and their contact works like this.

The children live with their mother but DP spends as much time with
them as possible. Rather than having a rigid routine where the children must spend a certain time of the week with each parent, they look at what the children and they have planned and work it out from there.

If their mum wants to go out or has plans DP has them rather than them getting a babysitter that they don't know. If the children have an activity planned whichever parent is looking after them takes them with no fuss or moaning about it. If one parent is particularly busy one week then the other does the bulk of the childcare without complaint. DP sees more time than usual with his children as a bonus rather than his ex taking the piss. Conversely, if his ex asks him to take them unexpectedly at short notice and he can't for good reason she doesn't fly off the handle and accuse him of not wanting to see his children. She is accepting of our relationship and in an an emergency I even looked after the children in her home (her brother was in a car accident and DP was working away).

They are flexible and see each other as equal parents and don't deliberately make it difficult for each other to have a social life. DP's ex never uses the children as a weapon or blocks contact because she is annoyed with DP. DP is allowed to go to their house to spend an hour or so with them before bedtime sometimes when it is best for the children not to be taken out and they want to stay at home so they get to spend relaxed time with him in their own environment without it being an event.

From the outside this seems like it would be better for the children and better for the parents than a rigid schedule where the children must spend set time with each parent.

Reading on here it seems that this is not the norm but AIBU to think it should be and parents should be able to put their feelings aside to enable this? So many threads seem to be about NRP who refuse to take children to activities, or partners of NRPs who expect the RP's social life to fit in with pre-designated contact times. I also see RP's being encouraged not to be flexible and to insist that it's a set day each week or not at all and NRP's being demonised if something happens which means contact days have to change. I see RP's not allowing their ex in the house at all, even if this means that the children miss out on a precious hour or two with their parent.

Obviously this set up would only work if no abuse has occurred.

I get that parents are hurt when relationships break down but DP split with his ex after he had discovered her having an affair and agreed to try and work things out as he couldn't bear the idea of being separated from his children and wanted to keep the family together. He discovered her in their bed with the same man 18 months later while the children were asleep in the next room (she wasn't expecting him back as a stag do with an overnight stay was cancelled). I think that if he can put his feelings aside to be reasonable with her in the circumstances to enable a good co-parenting relationship with his ex most people should be able to.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 22:48

I think as children get older they naturally want to spend less time with their parents and its up to the parents to adapt. I spent all of my time with my friends and used my parents as a taxi service as a teenager. I expect nothing less from dp's children.

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OlennasWimple · 24/07/2017 22:31

I know another couple who has a similar type of arrangement, and it works well for them. However, I also know a couple who started out like this but it began to falter once the DC were older, had more activities going on and one parent had to move away for work. Then they went through a really rocky patch before making a formal agreement that now works well for them

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Hissy · 24/07/2017 22:26

You'd be surprised love!

All it takes is an insecure partner, jealous of the ex and that's what tips it.

Actually tho, sometimes it's the mere presence of a new partner that can also create a change in the ex.

My oh ex was difficult but manageable before oh met me, as soon as she got an inkling he had someone on the scene, it all went a bit lot odd. She's tried all sorts of things to create drama and ripples.

As I said, I leave it to oh and he deals with it all. It doesn't have to be like that, but my ex was a manipulative twat, so tbh I've had my fill of them, not going to willingly engage with another one if I don't have to.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 22:18

That's kind of you to say hissy. I'd hope most parents wouldn't disrupt their childcare arrangements because a new partner has told them too! I'd also hope that most people would care for their partner's children in an emergency.

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Willyoujustbequiet · 24/07/2017 19:23

I'm glad it works for you but the reality for a lot of women is that they have to co parent with an abusive deadbeat.

It's a special kind of hell when you are tied for years to a violent narcissist.

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December11 · 24/07/2017 18:21

My ex and I have an amicable arrangement despite a nasty break up. We work well together now to co-parent, he often minds her in my home and stays over. DD gets the benefit of having us both around together and separately. We always try to do whats best for her and it works

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Hissy · 24/07/2017 18:20

🥇

There you go OP, you do actually deserve a medal, even when 2 parents DO reach agreement, the new dp can tear it all to pieces and your willingness to care for your dp dc in their mother's house speaks volumes about the kind of person you are!

Your dp is lucky to have you!

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 18:15

I'm really not sure what the point of your thread is? There are no medals.

Damn! I really hoped I'd get one for this.

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MeanAger · 24/07/2017 18:03

Grin

This thread reminds me of when people without children tell you what parenting will look like in their house whilst you're trying to wrestle your toddler into the buggy as they go rigid because they saw a fruit shoot and you won't let them have it. Grin

Anyway, yes OP what you describe wounds fantastic. Really glad there are separated parents out there who can make it work well for the Dc. Unfortunately we are all only responsible for our own behaviour and as much as we like we can't make our exes behave maturely and responsibly. If they decide not to then there is very little we can do other than muddle through with whatever situation we have in front of us.

I'm really not sure what the point of your thread is? There are no medals.

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Hissy · 24/07/2017 17:53

Hissy so your implying that parents don't put the effort in?

Erm... no, not what I said...

To get to a good agreement ALL parents have to put the effort in.

You can put all the effort you like in, but the other side has to as well.

If they don't, or if they set out to piss the other one off just cos... there's nothing more the other side can do.

It's about both parents being grown ups

Am fully and painfully aware that this isn't the case for a lot of people.

My ds dad is pathetic, but not malicious (he doesn't have the space to be anymore). My oh ex sets out to make things difficult and tries to antagonise. I have zero engagement with her.

It could be different, but it won't be until she calms herself down and chills.

not at all likely, but nothing I can do about it.

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Atenco · 24/07/2017 17:51

WhiskyIrnBru Whao, you seriously misread Hissy's post. As if needs explaining, Hissy clearly stated that it takes effort on the part of both parents. And I don't find the OP's post smug at all.

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sweetbitter · 24/07/2017 17:27

It works, so it's great. But separated/step/blended families have a million variations, there's no solution that is the perfect one for all families.

My DP and his ex still get on great, and we all often do things together (me/him, her/her DH, all the DC). We're all flexible about swapping weekends etc. But I think I'd go a bit mad with contact being quite as totally unplanned more than a week in advance as yours is. Plus it wouldn't work with DPs job and his ex's other childcare which needs more notice.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 17:16

Meaning mum can decide to have a spontaneous night out and has the correct support she needs, and vice versa for the father

I think it is extremely unfair when you get situations where the RP can only go out every other Wednesday unless they pay a babysitter. I also think it unfair on the NRP and children if they want to spend time together and the RP would rather have childcare from someone else because it isn't the exes night. Obviously this is only in cases where the NRP is a good parent and can be trusted to look after the children which sadly isn't always the case.

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 17:12

The definition of is having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one's achievements. This isn't my achievement.
Is thinking something that someone does is good smug?

You can put effort in till the cows come home but it means nothing of both parents aren't singing from the same hymsheet.

I totally agree with this. This works for because both parents put the effort in. If one of them refused to then it wouldn't. If your ex won't and is a narcissist then obviously you can't be flexible and this is not your fault.

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IToldYouIWasFreaky · 24/07/2017 16:53

The OP has literally said "this way is the best"...how is that not smug?!

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WhiskyIrnBru · 24/07/2017 16:41

Hissy so your implying that parents don't put the effort in? Believe me. I have. You can put effort in till the cows come home but it means nothing of both parents aren't singing from the same hymsheet. Biscuit great you're not triggered. Lovely that it isn't a sore spot for you. Maybe that's called not having experienced the sheer misery of trying to co-parent with an abusive narcissist. It's all so clear cut isn't it? Biscuit

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Amd724 · 24/07/2017 16:38

OP, I understand your point completely. I saw a story on FB about the parents and their new husband/wife who speak about how they have to put their feelings aside and be as flexible as possible about their children. So there isn't a burden on one person vs. the other. Meaning mum can decide to have a spontaneous night out and has the correct support she needs, and vice versa for the father. Sadly I think this is becoming more rare, and not just from what I see on mumsnet. My sister adopted her husbands daughter, because the biological mother was using the daughter as a pawn, and then when she no longer saw any benefit of using her daughter, she gave her up for my sister to adopt without any fight or showing up to court. She signed the adoption agreement without even reading it or saying goodbye to her daughter.

Almost every friend/acquaintance of mine has had problems or drama related to sharing custody of their child. It's like they can't do anything without getting the courts involved, unless its related to domestic violence or any actual child abuse claims. Men trying to be controlling, women who can be spiteful/controlling. It's like, come on people, just do what's best for the child. Not every person on here has this situation, sometimes the court was best for them, and a structured schedule works for them.

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Hissy · 24/07/2017 16:14

God I'd hate to live in a world where the sky is the same colour as some of you lot to be honest!

I have a good smugometer and I don't see that this is smug at all.

Perhaps because it's not a sore spot for me, I'm not triggered by it?

It isn't that people don't try! Your partner and his ex are very lucky. Nobody sets out to use children as pawns and to remove contact.

I don't see this as luck, I see it as a great effort by BOTH ex partners and their respective new partners that this works.

There are MANY, many occasions that the children ARE used as pawns, that contact is shunted about until it snags on something that the other parent has committed to and then the shunter accuses them of not caring. Or cancelled on a whim, or at last minute.

For every crap co-parent there are dozens more who are good examples, who do put their kids first and do have an agreement that respects everyone and works collaboratively.

We only get to hear about the tossers on here, those who do the right thing don't get written about.

What is described in this thread should be the norm, it's not a criticism if we don't have the same arrangement

there is a thread here where the Dad has his DD every weekend and the DD would prefer to have some say and flexibility sometimes, but the dm refuses to bend on it because she wants the time herself to see her OH.

All well and good, but somehow there has to be a balance between child and parent's sex life.

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abigamarone · 24/07/2017 15:58

I've a fairly amicable relationship with my ex but I like knowing when he's having them rather than it be adhoc.
Long ago he would sometimes watch them at mine and do the odd bedtime. I put a stop to that after he opened a tin of Christmas biscuits (still not over it, who opens someone else's biscuits?)

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WhiskyIrnBru · 24/07/2017 15:53

This thread has smug and a very poor generalized view written a over it

Surprisingly enough, OP, most people don't separate and want to make things difficult. Everyone I have met who is separated has tried their hardest to maintain civility and the best interests of the children.

Unfortunately, there is often one parent who doesn't accept their responsibilities and who sets out to make things as difficult as possible.

It isn't that people don't try! Your partner and his ex are very lucky. Nobody sets out to use children as pawns and to remove contact. Sometimes you're up against a brick wall!

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IToldYouIWasFreaky · 24/07/2017 15:49

I have said it is better for all concerned if everyone is flexible and reasonable.

Well, yeah, obviously! But I'd argue that either people have found their own flexible, reasonable arrangements that work for them, or they are trying their hardest to be flexible and reasonable but the other person is not cooperating!

What was your motivation for starting this thread?

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HoHoHoHo · 24/07/2017 14:53

'I don't understand why everyone can't just get on and be nice'

I haven't said this anywhere. I have said it is better for all concerned if everyone is flexible and reasonable.


To give an example - if you had a baby of your own who was a poor sleeper. You haven't slept for two nights and are clinging on by the fingernails counting the hours until your husband gets home. When he arrives he said the kids with him. And no he can't take the baby to let you collapse into the first sleep you have had for 60 hours because you eldest has a project about Roman ruins due in the next day and he needs to help with the printing....

This is not going to happen. But if it did I would expect him to take the baby and help his other child at the same time. A lot of parents have more than one child. Surely this would be the same whether or not the older child was mine or not. A lot of babies have older brother and sisters at school who need help with their work.

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Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/07/2017 14:33

These aren't my childcare agreements they are dp and his exes. I'm patting them on the back.

Perhaps it would be better to tell them that rather than share with a load of strangers - many of whom are trying to co-parent with someone who has no intention of being even slightly amicable.

My own experience from friends is that a lot of these amicable splits do go less amicable as time goes on and external pressure are applied to the relationship. (16 year old going out and getting drunk every night and getting in trouble with the police wrecked one I know that was working great until then.)

To give an example - if you had a baby of your own who was a poor sleeper. You haven't slept for two nights and are clinging on by the fingernails counting the hours until your husband gets home. When he arrives he said the kids with him. And no he can't take the baby to let you collapse into the first sleep you have had for 60 hours because you eldest has a project about Roman ruins due in the next day and he needs to help with the printing....

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TsunamiOfShit · 24/07/2017 14:29

I'm not really sure why people think I'm being smug and patting myself on the back.

Because this is the situation everyone want. We all want to have amicable relationships with our DC's other parent and we are all working bloody hard to keep these relationships pleasant. It just doesn't always work out that way, as it takes two to tango and all that.

Saying 'I don't understand why everyone can't just get on and be nice' is a very simplistic view and very offensive to people who are working so very hard to do this.

It is a bit like saying 'I don't understand why everyone didn't just go and get a 1st degree at uni, life is so much easier with one', because there are a lot of people who just can't no matter how hard they try!

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Atenco · 24/07/2017 14:28

It sounds like an excellent relationship and ideal for the children. In fact, this man is a keeper, OP.

This is more or less what my dd tries to do with her ex, but unfortunately things fall apart when he gets jealous or starts taking too many drugs.

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