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Original poster

Urgent advice on how to handle unwelcome guests

83 replies

NewinTown25 · 23/07/2017 23:01

Urgent advice needed!

Please kindly advise me on how to handle a current dilemma I am in. I have a half brother who lives in another country with his family. We do not get along at all and have had major disagreements over the years. We are also not in regular contact, infact the only times he calls me and we talk is when he wants to come to stay at my house with his wife and kids for holidays at the end of which we would all be emotionally drained from arguments, snide comments and criticisms from the wife about almost everything. These holidays have happened about four times in the course of 12 years. The whole family including me recently had a major falling out with him over a family matter which was never resolved. He announced yesterday on our family WhatsApp group that his family is relocating to the country where I live. While I wish them the best, I dont want to have anything to do with them. This evening I saw a missed call from him after not having spoken for months and I suspected he wanted to discuss coming to stay with me until they settle down which would be typical. I am not emotionally prepared for this. Please advise how best to handle this diplomatically without hurting feelings further.

OP posts:
tabbymog · 24/07/2017 03:34

Ignore him and anyone else from his family. Go NC if not already. If he does catch you on the phone, just say 'No'. Nothing else. He can get all the pre-moving info he needs online like we all do, or from the estate agent he'll be dealing with. If he's from another country and has already made the decision it's your county he's moving to, he must already have a lot of that info. Otherwise he's just planning to dump on you.

It's the sacred Mumsnet mantra: 'No is a complete sentence'.

{{{{{{NewInTown25}}}}}}

tabbymog · 24/07/2017 03:34

Ignore him and anyone else from his family. Go NC if not already. If he does catch you on the phone, just say 'No'. Nothing else. He can get all the pre-moving info he needs online like we all do, or from the estate agent he'll be dealing with. If he's from another country and has already made the decision it's your county he's moving to, he must already have a lot of that info. Otherwise he's just planning to dump on you.

It's the sacred Mumsnet mantra: 'No is a complete sentence'.

{{{{{{NewInTown25}}}}}}

CoughLaughFart · 24/07/2017 05:08

I don't get it - if you want nothing to do with him, why do you need to be diplomatic? If it's to avoid a family row, I think that ship has sailed if you're planning to cut him out.

VulvalHeadMistress · 24/07/2017 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 24/07/2017 12:03

I would only call him if he'd left a message. I think calling people back who haven't left a message is a bit stalkery, like you're constantly monitoring your phone or something.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 24/07/2017 12:07

In the immortal words of Phoebe Buffay

I wish I could but I don't want to

HipsterHunter · 24/07/2017 12:10

I don't quite get why you care since you don't like him, you don't want anything to do with him, and your family don't like him either?

There is no relationship to preseve.

I'd send him a text saying "I don't want to talk to you on the phone. Why were you calling?"

then you can reply to any message with "whilst I wish you best of luck with the move, I can;t have anything to do with facilitating this."

Tiddler7 · 24/07/2017 12:11

Very much what Butchy said ^^^ Grin

user1497480444 · 24/07/2017 12:16

" No, that wouldn't suit us"

Why not??

"No that wouldn't suit us"

You haven't given us a reason?

"No that wouldn't suit us"

Is it because of that silly argument?

"No that wouldn't suit us"

It won't be for long

"No that wouldn't suit us"

come on, we are family

"No that wouldn't suit us"

we will pay our way

"No that wouldn't suit us"

after everything I have done for you...

"No that wouldn't suit us"

I'm your brother!

"No that wouldn't suit us"

What are we supposed to do then?

"No that wouldn't suit us"

You re really dumping us in the sit here you know

"No that wouldn't suit us"

do you want my children sleeping on the street?

"No that wouldn't suit us"

etc etc etc etc

bastardlyandmutley · 24/07/2017 12:27

Just ignore him. You owe him nothing. You've tried over the years, he hasn't. Don't work yourself up into a lather about it. If the boot was on the other foot he likely wouldn't be giving a damn about you.

I was you, always putting people first who just walked all over me & used me. I stopped. It feels great and trust me the feeling of liberation & of taking control back again is wonderful.

lanouvelleheloise · 24/07/2017 12:33

You are perfectly entitled to say No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It is the right thing to do.

SapphireStrange · 24/07/2017 12:33

You don't need to handle it diplomatically. He's fallen out with the whole family and 'never resolved' it. He hasn't spoken to you 'for months'.

Just say 'No'. Repeat as necessary.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/07/2017 12:40

BUTCHY, that is fantastic, says it all in one, with hopefully no comebacks ! 😂⭐️

eddielizzard · 24/07/2017 12:45

don't give excuses or he'll reason each one away and you'll be forced into it.

no. can't help you out this time.

sticklebrix · 24/07/2017 12:46

'Sorry, it won't be possible to stay here'

Why not?

'It just won't work for us this time' (said confidently)

Why?

'Not possible I'm afraid'

'Why?'

'It won't work for us'

And so on.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/07/2017 12:49

If the boot was on the other foot and your wanted a (possibly) long term lodge with him, would he welcome you? I doubt it Tell him no - if he chooses to cut you off, all the better.

As they say - we can choose our friends but not our family. Doesn't mean we have to bet their doormats, though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/07/2017 13:10

Wow, he's a major piss-taker, isn't he?

Yes you will have to woman up and Just Say No.

Tell him that you do not want him or his wife in your home. Tell him that he has a fucking cheek to even dare to ask you, given the way he has treated you and your family, and the way they behave when they're taking advantage of your hospitality.
Tell him to book a fucking hotel like any normal person, and if that doesn't "work for them" then they can book a camper van and use that to travel around to find a place to live, preferably as far away from you as possible!

In other words, stop treading on eggshells over this - just tell him straight that you don't want him there and you really dislike his attempt to use you.

SootSprite · 24/07/2017 13:19

No is a complete sentence.

vikingprincess81 · 24/07/2017 13:20

user you're an absolute star
and I've read 'When I say no I feel guilty too, it's an EXCELLENT book!!

MrsKoala · 24/07/2017 13:23

If the last time you all spoke you had a major falling out i'd mention that and say he must be joking.

him 'can we come and stay?'
me 'have you banged your head? considering i think you are a monumental twat, that will be a no!'

Hissy · 24/07/2017 13:24

Has he called again?

Original poster
NewinTown25 · 24/07/2017 13:27

Hello guys, thanks so much again for your many brilliant advices. I have since chatted with him and all he seemed to want was for me to assist them in viewing properties which as it turned out will not be possible since i live hours aways from these properties. He has accepted that he will have to sort things out by himself. Everything turned out alright at the end but going forward, i hope to exercise my "no" right.Smile

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 24/07/2017 13:31

I don't understand, if you've had a massive falling out why is he wanting your help? Is this normal for your family? You all have a huge row then he pretends it never happened and you all just go along with it? Confused

WeAllHaveWings · 24/07/2017 13:37

After ds was born I told my MIL it would be best all round if she stopped staying with us when she visited as every time she did her and dh would argue and it just became too intense and awkward. She was always welcome to visit, and we'd love to see her, but when she did it would be much better if she rented a room at the travel lodge or a B&B and we all had a bit of space.

She wasn't happy and said they would stop arguing, but I told her they had had plenty of opportunity to change and they hadn't and so I was stopping it for good. Worked fine for us for 12 years, she did ask dh once of twice to stay again but he just said it worked better the way it was.

Honestly can work, just tell your brother you love him and love seeing him and his family, but its too much having them in your home as you and he argue when you don't have space. If he says he wont argue, tell him its not just him its everyone in the same confined space, and its just too much, you have tried it before and that proved it just doesn't work and you are not going to try it again, but you will help him with practical advice about moving where ever you can.

After you have explained, broken record, "it hasn't worked before and I am not trying it again"

WeAllHaveWings · 24/07/2017 13:39

xpost - glad you've sorted it out and are prepared if he does ask.

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