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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Urgent advice on how to handle unwelcome guests

83 replies

NewinTown25 · 23/07/2017 23:01

Urgent advice needed!

Please kindly advise me on how to handle a current dilemma I am in. I have a half brother who lives in another country with his family. We do not get along at all and have had major disagreements over the years. We are also not in regular contact, infact the only times he calls me and we talk is when he wants to come to stay at my house with his wife and kids for holidays at the end of which we would all be emotionally drained from arguments, snide comments and criticisms from the wife about almost everything. These holidays have happened about four times in the course of 12 years. The whole family including me recently had a major falling out with him over a family matter which was never resolved. He announced yesterday on our family WhatsApp group that his family is relocating to the country where I live. While I wish them the best, I dont want to have anything to do with them. This evening I saw a missed call from him after not having spoken for months and I suspected he wanted to discuss coming to stay with me until they settle down which would be typical. I am not emotionally prepared for this. Please advise how best to handle this diplomatically without hurting feelings further.

OP posts:

Trollspoopglitter · 23/07/2017 23:36

"You seriously thought you'd be welcomed into my home after the way you spoke to me at X, y, z times?"

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2017 23:36

As others say, the only reaon to deal with unwelcome visitors is to not allow them house room.

Rainbunny · 23/07/2017 23:38

There's no shame in dodging calls and not responding to voicemails/emails etc... Well normally there is but this person definitely sounds like the exception!

If we had this situation and either myself or my DH were dreading having to communicate with the person in question we would have the other person handle it. What I mean is could your DH be the person to officially tell your relation no and stand firm? I would definitely do this for my DH, and I certainly wouldn't care about taking any opprobrium on his behalf.

2rebecca · 23/07/2017 23:40

Also if he's choosing to relocate then he should have factored in temporary accommodation, he's not been made homeless or sacked.
Countries are big places. if I relocated from Scotland to England I wouldn't expect my sibs in England to put me up, I might be living at the other end of the country any way. it sounds bizarre as an idea.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2017 23:44

Just had a thought.....

Is he relocating from the country where the rest of your family live? Wondering if he has burned his bridges there and is honing in you as the last option for piss taking. You might find that when you make it clear that you dont want him either, he finds somewhere else to live.

Gemini69 · 23/07/2017 23:46

Go stand in front of the Mirror.....

Say.. No No No No just practice saying NO... until you can say it.. with conviction x

LellyMcKelly · 24/07/2017 00:01

Just say, "'God no. We drive each other nuts at the best of times. Get an Air BnB and we'll meet up for a drink once you're settled".

SuckingEggs · 24/07/2017 00:04

Just picture what it'd be like if you said yes and then have a cup of sweet tea. Then, practise saying, "No, that doesn't work for me."

paxillin · 24/07/2017 00:08

Also think about your first responsibility, the one to yourself, your kids if you have any and your DH. By saying no to the unwanted you are saying yes to the wanted inhabitants of your house. You'd take from them by giving to the squatters. Many of us find it easier to fight someone else's corner than our own. Do it for them.

justilou · 24/07/2017 00:14

If you keep dodging his calls, you gave the very real possibliity of him lobbing up with family in tow. It would be much harder to say NO under those circumstances. Just do it. Call him back, ask him what he wants and say no to everything. Don't make excuses.

MadMags · 24/07/2017 00:14

Ignore his calls.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2017 00:15

You just have to stand up for yourself, stay strong and do not back down, no matter how hard he tries to gaslight you. Say NO and don't apologize for it.

Another horrifying aspect to this.... If he is moving there and you allow him to stay until he gets "settled", who the fuck knows how long they could be staying in your house! You would be CRAZY to let him stay with you.

ExplodedCloud · 24/07/2017 00:16

Do not discuss it with people who may make you doubt your gut feeling. Where will they be when his family's feet are under your table and giving you aggro? Tucked up safely in a different country, that's where.
You don't want him. That's enough. You don't need approval from anyone who isnt on the deeds/tenancy.

pynk · 24/07/2017 00:18

Just say, "'God no. We drive each other nuts at the best of times. Get an Air BnB and we'll meet up for a drink once you're settled

This is how I'd deal with it.

quizqueen · 24/07/2017 00:19

If you don't like your half brother and don't care whether you see him again or not then why would it be so hard to say no he can't stay with you.

NikiBabe · 24/07/2017 00:24

I'd be alot ruder.

I'd say you've made no attempt to speak to me for months, your behaviour in my home last time you were a guest was appalling, I dont wish to talk to you or see you anymore.

You dont want to see them again, you say in your OP that you dont so why beat about the bush.

Topseyt · 24/07/2017 00:48

Be blunt, not diplomatic.

Tell him to bugger off and then block his number.

GreenTulips · 24/07/2017 00:57

You don't own him anything and by the sounds of it he gives nothing -

If you are feeling charitable email estate agents and job sites

Otherwise 'it's a no from me'

LeakyLittleBoat · 24/07/2017 01:05

When you get settled call me and maybe we'll meet for lunch. You thought you could stay here? No, that won't be happening. Why? Because I don't want you to. You're stuck for somewhere to stay? Not my problem - try airbnb or hotels.com.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 24/07/2017 02:11

no that doesnt work for us,

repeat frequently until the message gets through, nothing else, no excuses

just no that doesnt work for us

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/07/2017 02:32

Okay. This is very easy for me an anonymous randomer on line to say, but. Just tell him its not convenient.
I mean. What's the worse that can happen. He won't speak to you. TBPH. It doesn't seem like you add much to each others lives, anyway

mohuzivajehi · 24/07/2017 02:46

It is not rude to say no when you mean no

It is not rude to decline to massively inconvenience yourself

Be honest. Be assertive. Don't demure. Don't avoid. Just say no.

vikingprincess81 · 24/07/2017 03:01

To repeat what other people have said - other people who are piss takers, especially people like your half bro aren't being nice. So you don't have to be nice back.
No that doesn't work for me, rinse and repeat.
If you give reasons he'll try to wheedle round them - you don't have to give a reason why someone else can't live in your house. End of story.
So, op, can I borrow a million pounds? Will you babysit my kids at 6am every day of the holidays? Can I wear your best dress before you've worn it?
No. No, and no are the answers to these questions

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2017 03:30

I wouldn't call him back. And I'd keep dodging his calls until he either gets the message and either texts or emails. Call me a coward, but it's much easier to text/email a NO than it is on the phone.

As far as discussing with your sibs, will they try to talk you into it so they don't have to worry about him asking them or will they back you up?

Can't you just block him from all forms of communication/social media?

user1498911589 · 24/07/2017 03:31

Send a message back saying that you hope they settle in well in their new home and ask for the address so you can send a card.

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