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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you a question, please answer honestly

81 replies

Tobythecat · 23/07/2017 21:20

If you had a 27 year old daughter who lived alone but had mild autism, depression, anxiety and struggled to do certain tasks due to sensory overload, how much emotional support would you provide? Also, would you feel obliged to help them throughout their lives emotionally because they struggle due to their autism?

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 22:10

Is the daughter professionally diagnosed as autistic or is it self-diagnosis?

Why does nobody ever ask that about any OTHER condition? Hmm

Toby are you the adult DD in this scenario?

3luckystars · 23/07/2017 22:12

Yes I would.

PurpleDaisies · 23/07/2017 22:13

Also, would you feel obliged to help them throughout their lives emotionally because they struggle due to their autism?

Don't all good parents want to support their children throughout their lives as long as the children want or need it?

youarenotkiddingme · 23/07/2017 22:13

As much as was needed and she wanted.

My ds is 12 and has asd and I'm preparing myself for a future of being there.

JamPasty · 23/07/2017 22:13

Is she getting medical help for the depression and anxiety?

Doilooklikeatourist · 23/07/2017 22:14

How much help from you does she need ?

MrsMozart · 23/07/2017 22:14

A lot. As much as she needed and as I could give.

Sunshinegirls · 23/07/2017 22:15

I would help her as much as possible, as long as she wanted it.

SummerMummy88 · 23/07/2017 22:22

Yes I would offer as much support as needed like I would do to any child of mine grown up or baby.

SabineUndine · 23/07/2017 22:24

Yes I would. Also would do this for a friend.

DollyPartonsBeard · 23/07/2017 22:30

I'm in a very similar position with DS (25). Yes, I have to provide a LOT of emotional support. He doesn't have another parent (or paternal grandparents), or siblings, so it's mostly just me. Occasionally my DP and his DGP's on my side, but usually me. He has a support worker and a social worker but the overwhelming emotional episodes that require support rarely occur during office hours.

I've tried to set boundaries by saying no phone calls after 8pm unless it's an emergency (but he may see his anxieties about drug dealing in the area as an emergency, and may need a lot of 'talking down' when he gets upset about this).

He has a number of friends, but they are rather younger than him or also autistic, so not great sources of support either.

It's hard. Really bloody hard, but as his mum I see it as my duty, to ensure his emotional wellbeing (as far as possible) and to avoid his risk to himself if his distress escalates. I do wish I could share the burden a bit, though, it's quite a strain (and I have my own mental health problems to consider).

Big Flowers to you, it's not a job I'd wish on anyone.

Dodie66 · 23/07/2017 22:31

Yes I give support to my daughter. You also need to think about what will happen when you are no longer here and get support in place now. I have a cousin who is autistic, still living at home with her dad who is nearly 90 and I wonder what will happen to her when he is no longer here

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2017 22:34

As much as I could, for as long as I'm alive.

Original poster
Tobythecat · 23/07/2017 22:34

I'm the daughter in the OP. I just wanted to know if I'm expecting too much for my mum. I feel like a burden on her and on society because i don't work.

My mum supports me a lot but she has a bit of a drink problem. She lives a 20 min walk away but I struggle to cross busy roads so unless i'm feeling really brave, I won't attempt it.

She just rang to say she would give me a lift to her house after having a meal out with stepdad so I could sleepover. I was looking forward to seeing her (haven't seen her for 3 days as she's been on a mini break). I've got my books and stuff I need ready to bring when she picks me up. She just rang to say she is having a drink and won't be able to pick me up so she will see me tomorrow evening instead. I was upset, so decided to walk to the corner shop to get some milk and biscuits. Then realised I didn't have enough for the biscuits so I left them.

I see my mum nearly everyday and she gives me lifts on her way home from work so i have some company. I know I am a burden, I still need a lot of support, but I didn't ask to be born and I certainly didn't ask to be autistic.

After an awful time at school and self/harm etc I had a diagnosis at 16. From ages 13-24 I was agoraphobic and didn't have any friends. I think i've made good progress over the last two years. I can now get the bus into town to meet with 2 support groups, and I meet my mentor. I joined an art class and have made 2 friends there. I set up a women's autism support group recently too. I can also now go to my local Sainsburys to get some shopping.

But it takes great effort for me to do those things, which people don't realise. Now I have money worries too as I now have a more active life which is costing me more with bus passes etc. I need £50 to get a doctors letter as evidence to claim for discretionary housing payments. I'm still on DLA and was advised not to ask to go on PIP because I might not win and they could stop my DLA.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 23/07/2017 22:41

Tobythecat My son was similar to you, though still at home. He's been helped a lot by doing some volunteering.

He started with a local garden group and art centre (packing boxes and general helping out), now volunteers in a charity shop (now on the till) and has just started with background work at a local theatre group.

You can probably see how his volunteering has built from something that has less social contact to more as he's gained confidence.

peekyboo · 23/07/2017 22:42

PS look out for local charities which will help you to claim what you need and to advocate for you. The help is out there but not always well advertised.

NotMyPenguin · 23/07/2017 22:44

I'm sorry your mum did that. Regardless of your autism or needs, she let you down by promising something (which you prepared and planned for) and then not doing it at the last minute.

NotMyPenguin · 23/07/2017 22:46

PS it sounds as if you are making really good and steady progress towards a life that will be more fulfilling for you. I'm full of admiration for the courage and hard work it must take. Don't let this knock you. Look for other sources of practical and emotional support to supplement what you get from your mother.

Gazelda · 23/07/2017 22:50

OP, you have worked incredibly hard to widen your world and build a network of support. That's really admirable.
Have you spoken to a local Mencap group she might be able to support you in ensuring you are accessing all the services and finances you are entitled to?
Your mum apparently has her own difficulties but it sounds as though she is usually supportive and involved. Today she let you down. Try not to feel too negatively of her.

AnUtterIdiot · 23/07/2017 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/07/2017 22:53

From a mum who has 5 children wit ASD you are not a burden.

PovertyPain · 23/07/2017 22:54

Dear op, sweetheart, please don't think of yourself as a burden. My oldest has ADD/Aspergers, one middle has dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia, the youngest has autism and will never live independently. They are all my dear, sweet children and I wouldn't be without them. They have kept me on this earth after I lost my darling husband. Yes, I get tired, yes I get sad or frustrated, but I never ever stop loving them. Your mother has a drink problem and as a result she may not behave as she should and may be full of good intentions, that she doesn't follow through on, but it sounds like she loves you. Anyone can forget their money, that's got nothing to do with your diagnoses. My three often do things they shouldn't, but quite often that's more to do with being scatty than having SNs.

Ceebs85 · 23/07/2017 22:58

IMO it is possible to provide too much emotional support and create a vicious circle of dependence.

Yes she has difficulties but sometimes firm boundaries and clear expectations of one another and what to expect can be more helpful than being constantly available. There will come a time when for whatever reason you are not available and therefore giving everything now could be storing up problems for the future.

If I were you I would seek carers support from a specialist autism organisation to help put some plans in place that work for the both of you.

DotForShort · 23/07/2017 23:00

It sounds as though you are doing brilliantly. Your independence is growing and you have made friends, as well as started a support group. That's really impressive. (I hope I don't sound patronising, I certainly don't intend to.)

When you say your mother has a drink problem, do you think she may be an alcoholic? If so, she is obviously struggling with her own demons.

Of course it is disappointing to be let down at the last minute. But it does sound as though your mum is generally very supportive, which is lovely.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/07/2017 23:00

I can understand your disappointment my Lovely. Please understand, that you most certainly are not a burden, but that none of us are perfect, and your DM, has a drink problem.
You are doing fantastically well, please forgive her this blip, as you say, she sees you everyday, because she loves you so much.🌺

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