DP being too harsh or am I too soft?

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

Is my DP being too harsh or am I being too soft? Would love to know people's opinions, Thankyou!

Our DS is 9 years old and has Autism and a few other things ( but other than Autism they don't relate to this situation) due to my sons autism his diet is very limited ( loves you, Scrambled egg, pancake and a few Other things) tonight we are having a chicken roast dinner and we are going to offer it to DS however DP is saying we should dish it like a normal sized meal and put it in front of him!

I am saying it would be too overwhelming to have his plate piled high and perhaps just put one carrot, one pea , a little piece of potato and a little bit of chicken on his plate ( it isn't safe for us to leave the dishes on the table in front of him to serve himself ... he will chuck it)

DP is saying I am being too soft and need to stop wrapping him in cotton wool and let him experience a " normal "meal and at a " normal size" a typical 9 year old child would eat.

AIBU?

Your way is best, definitely.

Yanbu! Is there a food DH hates? Pile his plate with snails and see how he feels!

Yanbu. You have better empathy with what your son needs.

I would definitely go for a small portion, well spaced out so things don't touch but probably more than 1 of each thing. Maybe 3 or 4 small bits of the main things but a small spoonful of peas or corn etc.

Thankyou, that's a good idea about making sure they don't touch!:)

Would you leave gravy or put some on his plate? I don't want to freak him out but want him to have a good choice!

I would put gravy separate with small portions, nothing touching

With your way there is a small chance your son may try something. With your husband's way the plate of food would be overwhelm

Do what ds will like rather than what you would like him to like. So for example, my asd son would go fucking ballistic if I put any food in front of him which he hadn't asked for. When I cook things for our family I ask ds if he would like to try one aspect of it. He usually says no, but recently said yes to chicken breast and now has a big plate of it when we have a roast dinner.

Good luck with the meal!

Overwhelming and will probably result in an upset and anxious meal for your child. I understand your husband's frustration but it must be small steps all the way.
I completely understand my son is the same with eating although he doesn't have autism which I would imagine makes the situation more complex.

one of each thing spaced out. If he tolerates them being there. let him touch it with his finger. still ok.
encourage him to touch it to his lips.still ok
lick it
still ok put it in his mouth
generally can take 9-17 times for something to become familiar enough for it not to be a threat.
Try to keep it as low key and un pressured as possible. this is a massive sensory over load for him. He is likely to feel very stressed and anxious.
maybe your hubby could read up a little bit before you eat.
Your son isn't refusing all the lovely food in this world just to annoy people.
from your list it sounds like he likes soft foods. so maybe some inside of a roast potato may be a good one to start with.

Ds has autism and is seeing a dietician at the moment, I can tell you with 100% confidence that dh's approach is terrible.

Yours is much better but I would make sure there is something on the plate that he would normally eat (in a proportional portion) as eating encourages eating.

Have you heard of laddering? It's where you take one thing they like and use it to 'ladder' to other foods. So you say he likes pancakes, can you think of anything that is like pancakes? Maybe tortilla? Tortilla with scrambled eggs is a good meal, if that works you could try French toast, etc etc. It's basically thinking laterally from what they know and like (apols if you know this already).

None of this works in a tense atmosphere though - DH needs to back off a bit.

does your son use social stories?
maybe prepare him to the change of meal with one.

I think a huge plate would definitely overwhelm him! God, that would even overwhelm me. Your idea is best, little tiny bites that might make it seem less overwhelming and strange to him. It might seem weird to think of food as frightening but it's hard to imagine the world from the view of somebody with sensory/food issues when you don't have them yourself.

Good luck with the meal, I hope he tries something and likes it.

Has you husband struggled to come to terms with your DS having autism? It sounds to me as if he thinks if he treats him as NT then he'll be NT.

A social story is a great idea , as is a small portion . A piled up gravey covered roast dinner makes one hell of a mess when launched ! ( Voice of experience of clearing 2 such dinners in a classroom )

I hope it goes well for you .

I wouldn't add gravy unless he really loves it normally. Lots of children won't eat things covered in gravy or sauce, it seems like that would complicate things unnecessarily

Yanbu, as PP said, your way he might eat some things. dh's way he won't eat and may have a meltdown or at least high anxiety

I don't give our son the opportunity to launch his plate - I sit in the next chair along, keeping an eye on him, and if need be I'll hook a finger over the side of his plate to keep it on the table.

Our 8yo son loves roast chicken dinners, but he's picky about what he eats - he loves potatoes (mashed favourite), and chicken, must be smothered in gravy; I put the occasional pea or green bean onto his plate and he'll taste it but not eat it.

DD struggles with food - not autistic, but was very very unkeen on weaning. We've seen dietitians as a result, and one piece of advice was to offer (very) small portions of something new - then if they finish it, it's a real achievement, plus they can always have more. If you put a plate full of broccoli in front of even the keenest child, they'd probably be put off. You may want to go for small portions of anything that isn't a favourite.

How did the meal go?

Hello, sorry I didn't reply been so busy!

He didn't join in and eat any roast dinner however he didn't flip his plate he moment he saw it( but he did get slightly upset) I then made him pancakes and scrambled egg!

Well that sounds likea good success to me. Well done. Have you looked up ARFID (avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder)? It's often present with autism. Obviously i don't know your situation exactly but it sounds very similar.
DS for example was given the opportunity to eat fruit at preschool. We worked out that he was offered it over 200 times while he was there. He'd stopped crying at the sight of it after a year.... so i'm afraid i don't have much time for the "you need to try it 10 times" brigade as it's far outside their experience.
I did the little plate of normal food thing for over a year as well - which was never touched but practically gave me a nervous breakdown with the stress of it. HV suggested it I cried buckets with relief when the specialist said it wasn't helpful and i could stop.
Interestingly she said many of the children she saw were terribly underweight because the parents found it so hard to go against social norms and just give them the food they were happy with. I cried again when she said i was doing the right thing - so keep making the pancakes.
We're starting to see light at the end of the tunnel - tiny, tiny changes - but i'm glad we stuck with it.

These were the specialists we saw.
www.foodrefusal.co.uk/who-we-are.html

JustHappy3 - that really resonates with me to the point I've just welled up! I've just given my son a meal he picked at and he ate little bits and pieces and then I gave him his beloved crackers and hummous for "pudding".
I never think it's the right thing to do but very glad you do the same. Makes me feel like I'm maybe doing it ok.

Blue sea paradise - that's great news that he didn't flip the plate. I bet you sat with bated breath. My day will flip the plate at many things but much less than he used to.