Parents who don't seem to care or be interested

[Schwanengesang]

I guess IABU to think this would ever change really.

DH and I both have siblings with kids. Grandparents are very, very involved with those kids, seeing them nearly every day, babysitting several times a week, taking them to extracurricular activities, paying private school fees, going on holiday with them several times a year, etc. Birth of each grandkid has been met with massive anticipation. Birthdays and Christmases are non-negotiable grandparents MUST be there to make grandkids' days special, help with the party, etc etc. All good — our parents are very good grandparents and clearly love their grandkids a lot.

DH and I have an 8 month old DS. My parents refused to even discuss the pregnancy with us but made it abundantly clear to anyone who would listen that they disapproved on the grounds I am too old, too dysfunctional, too much of a career woman and there are too many people in the world already. DH's parents were nice but clearly not that fussed. We phoned them whenDS was born, they talked about themselves and the other grandkids. First christmas- nothing from any of them. My family all went away together and were uncontactable. DH's family talked about themselves when we phoned them, and only one grandkid even said thanks for the presents we had sent. We visited - DH's parents went out with friends or babysat the other gc the whole time we were there, despite us giving them written notice of exactly when we were available to see them. My family were mostly available but with clear priority in everything for my sister and her kid.

My family have just made the point fir the 3rd time that they have better, more interesting things to do than visit us, this time for DS' first birthday. These things include "the Christmas party season will be started up by then so we'll miss too many lunches and dinners with people if we come over" "[other gc] end of school year concerts will be on then and we need to be here for those" and best of all "well I still need to sort out the front gate and the lawns grow really quickly at that time of year".

DH's parents at least had the tact to just say "no, sorry" when invited rather than rub it in.

Ok, we get it. We are not interesting and you couldn't give a monkey's about DS. We've always been self sufficient, our siblings have always been needy.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off though?

User02 you clearly have strong views on this topic, but your family and mine aren't the same.

To the pps who imply that we do nothing to help our parents, that is not the case. On the occasions our parents have been ill, we drop everything, and sort everything out, at considerable personal cost and with no thanks; while our darling siblings say "well I've got pilates, and my child has kindergarten, I can't be expected to do anything". Parents then say oooh poor sibling how dare you tell her what to do, and by the way here are all the things that are wrong with you, your life, your choices, your appearance, etc.

It has always been like this though. I did well academically because I was constantly told by patents and sibling that I was too ugly and stupid to have any friends. I was told that I wpuld be a career woman with no friends and no life. So to please them, I had the career. My parents know well that my career was impossible in their country so I had to go overseas. Apparently that means I rejected them, though they encouraged me to go. They could easily have visited - they travel internationally at great expense frequently - but they had better things to do. So I would send the daily emails (frequently ignored), make the weekly phonecalls (in 18 years they have never once called me), make the once or twice yearly trip to see them (they figured I was too stupid to go on holiday anywhere else), buy the birthday and christmas presents with lots of thought as to whether they were suitable - and in return be told I was boring, dysfunctional, ugly, that my career was crap, that they hadn't bothered to do anything about my birthday because I am "hard to buy for" (hint: I wouldn't be if you ever stopped talking about yourselves), see in the Christmas letters left lying around that most years I didn't even get a mention while sibling and gc merited a couple of pages and lots of photos... etc etc

DH did everything his parents told him to, got all the degrees and scholarships and national level sporting teams etc, did the best he could. Does all the running after the family. They are usually too busy to rreturn the compliment.

So actually on reflection IABU to think it would be any different now DS is in the picture.

Oh my god you don't need people like that in your son's life, i say keep your distance!!

OP just don't make any effort, because they don't make an effort with you. Focus on your DH and ds and your friends.

OP, I could have written your posts, scarily similar to our situation. It used to hurt a lot, carried that pain around for a long time, especially when I had DD1, it really stung as it became blatantly obvious that they just didn't give shit. DH is the same, we both tried so hard to do the 'right' things in life, uni, post grad, excellent careers, marriage, house then kids etc. It's never been good enough. It's shit. I stopped making any real effort with my parents about 7 years ago. They see DD1&2 once a year for a few hours at Xmas. We've taken to spending Xmas at home now and showing our faces for an hour or so on Boxing Day. Last year, my father didn't even come downstairs when we were there so didn't even see our girls. DHs mother was similar, she's now passed on. FIL is sometime ish at best, doesn't even know when our girls birthdays are I think.

I do wonder if it is my character sometimes, perhaps I'm too independent and too matter of fact. The irony is that my mother drilled into me how important it is to stand on my own two feet! It's especially hard when your children become old enough to notice the difference in treatment. I try and protect our girls as much as possible but when their cousins talk about grandma FaceTimeing them every night to say good night and they don't even get a call on their birthday, it cuts deep. I don't know the answer, but we do our best to try and surround ourselves with people who love and appreciate us. I'm not going to apologise for who I am or excuse their behaviour anymore, it's the way it is and even though I wish it was different, I'm learning to make my peace with it.

I repeat what I said earlier: fuck them! And that goes to the other posters wit shitty parents as well.