Parents who don't seem to care or be interested

[Schwanengesang]

I guess IABU to think this would ever change really.

DH and I both have siblings with kids. Grandparents are very, very involved with those kids, seeing them nearly every day, babysitting several times a week, taking them to extracurricular activities, paying private school fees, going on holiday with them several times a year, etc. Birth of each grandkid has been met with massive anticipation. Birthdays and Christmases are non-negotiable grandparents MUST be there to make grandkids' days special, help with the party, etc etc. All good — our parents are very good grandparents and clearly love their grandkids a lot.

DH and I have an 8 month old DS. My parents refused to even discuss the pregnancy with us but made it abundantly clear to anyone who would listen that they disapproved on the grounds I am too old, too dysfunctional, too much of a career woman and there are too many people in the world already. DH's parents were nice but clearly not that fussed. We phoned them whenDS was born, they talked about themselves and the other grandkids. First christmas- nothing from any of them. My family all went away together and were uncontactable. DH's family talked about themselves when we phoned them, and only one grandkid even said thanks for the presents we had sent. We visited - DH's parents went out with friends or babysat the other gc the whole time we were there, despite us giving them written notice of exactly when we were available to see them. My family were mostly available but with clear priority in everything for my sister and her kid.

My family have just made the point fir the 3rd time that they have better, more interesting things to do than visit us, this time for DS' first birthday. These things include "the Christmas party season will be started up by then so we'll miss too many lunches and dinners with people if we come over" "[other gc] end of school year concerts will be on then and we need to be here for those" and best of all "well I still need to sort out the front gate and the lawns grow really quickly at that time of year".

DH's parents at least had the tact to just say "no, sorry" when invited rather than rub it in.

Ok, we get it. We are not interesting and you couldn't give a monkey's about DS. We've always been self sufficient, our siblings have always been needy.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off though?

In comparison to school age children, young (under 12 month old) babies are rather dull and uninteresting to most people aside from their parents. This doesn't mean your DS will always be seen as less interesting to other people, it will change as he gets older. He's a baby right now, and you are being defensive.

@missiondecision clearly not as others agree with @MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I also find it strange that it's both sets, assuming these people are unaffiliated, and I think milk's advice makes a lot of sense. Not everybody is capable of understanding how they come across to others.

OP I am sorry for your situation though, it sounds horrendously unfair.

My parents live locally to me (apart) and I have a 4yo child. My mum hasn't seen her since before Xmas and my dad hasn't seen her since March. They aren't interested and do the bare minimum present giving at Xmas and birthdays.

They aren't interested in me either tbh.

Crap isn't it?

I can't really be bothered with them.

I'm an only child OP but I can totally sympathise as my mum said she 'd emigrate if I got pregnany. This was many years ago but still hurts today. They are out of order imo to call you hypo dysfunctional/old to have a baby!!

Call you too** dysfunctional not hypo!!!!

So what was your relationship like pre kids? How often did you visit/invite them to stay? Did you share Christmases / other celebrations? Did you pay any interest to your nieces/nephews - attend their birthdays?

I'm with @MilkTwoSugarsThanks as well, I think there's more to this situation

I also thought what milk said.

You say that you've always been 'independent'. Maybe that's been perceived as distant. Likewise 'needy' siblings might just be close, interested and friendly.

Thanks all. I didn't mean to post twice btw, not sure how it happened.

We live in a different country from the families, who all live in the same town.

We have each always been the good, untroublesome child, always self-sufficiently doing the rught thing and solving our own problems. Siblings on both sides have had their ups & downs and been bailed out a million bloody times and are now very close to parents, leaning very hard on them for help with gc.

My parents despise people with mental health difficulties. I have had depression on and off for decades. Parents think this means I am a shit parent.

Our relationship was fairly fine on both sides before DS came along. Our siblings were similarly distanced from parents before gc came along. The difference seems to be really in treatment of DS vs the other gc. While it is true babies aren't that interestung, both sets of parents went gaga over each other gc as he/she arrived. Whereas they just don't seem to give a toss about us. Our siblings also don't really have time for us or DC, but never have. We kind of feel that after all these years of causing bi trouble, always killing ourselves to do the right thing, trying to make them proud by doing well and have our careers take us overseas, dutifully turning up to visit once or twice a year from the other side of the world, when they could bever really be bothered visiting us - we have explicitly moved closer to family and discovered they actually can't be arsed with us or our DS.

*causing no trouble!

I think that says a lot. You live in a different country. I know if my sister moved to another country tomorrow I probably wouldn't see her from one year to the next. I see my parents every bloody day but that's because they live over the road. I'd much rather see my sister but she lives about 45 mins away. I see her only maybe once a month. It's solely down to logistics. If she lived hours away it would be yearly, if that tbh.

Fuck them!

The point now is you know where you stand. . . Take a deep breath and let them get on with it. . Your ds won't be worse off for only having you and his df!! All that effort you put into them you can save for your dc and dh. . It really is their loss not yours if you just let them go.
Mil didn't bother with ds at all and dh went nc after a while. . He felt relieved he said that he knew what his dps actually thought about him and could stop seeking approval /bashing his head again a bloody brick wall trying to involve them in our lives. .

Also perhaps worth saying neither set of grandparents is short of the means to visit us as often as they please. But it's always been our job to use all our leave and savings to visit them.

We know where we stand now and will make our own family figures from friends here.

This sounds like an incredibly unfair and hurtful situation op. I'm not sure whether it's the distance or some other issue which is causing this (I did wonder if Milk has a point but can only go on what you've said) but at the heart of this is an 8 month old baby who is their grandchild. They should be able to see the unfairness of their actions or have it pointed out to them. Tbh I'd probably end up going nc if this was me, it just sounds too hurtful if you've done nothing to deserve it. I'd definitely be telling them how I feel. Have you said anything?

Gosh, that does sound hard. One thing from your OP jumped out at me - they pay their other grandchildren's private school fees? How many other grandchildren do they have? That's a massive commitment - if there are two grandchildren in private school, that's £30k a year post tax.

A bit of a dripfeed there OP.....your DP's are in a different country so I'm not surprised that they attend their local DGC's parties but not your ds's.

Some grandparents are so wrapped up in the lives of the granchildren they already have that they can't be bothered when a new one comes along.

I don't think it is always as simple as that. Many GP's take on a lot of unpaid responsibility towards their DGC, but as often is the case with age may not have as much energy for the 10th dgc that they did for the first. My DM's first dgc stayed over most weekends from a very early age and I could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times that mine have stayed over. I don't resent it, just accept that it was a different time and circumstances.

My Dm's best friend has provided free childcare full time for her dd's 3 dc. She is worn out and is very eagerly anticipating the youngest starting school so she can have a bit of a break during the day. Her dd then told her that she was thinking about TTC #4 and she had to tell her that she couldn't care for another baby again. Her dd got the huff and said that they would have to be treated fairly and it wouldn't be fair if dc4 had to go to a nursery

It does sound hurtful, OP. It is perhaps better for you and your DS if you simply distance yourself/lower expectations.

However, I think my brother and his wife would write something similar to you- that our parents show blatant preference for my DC over theirs and provide me with more support/childcare. The latter is true due to logistics- they simply could not provide the same level of support to my brother. So doing less for me would not mean more help for brother. My brother/SIL live a reasonable distance away and neither of them drive. The always expect others to do all the travelling to them or act as a taxi service to collect them for visits. DB phones but does little to help out- my father is in poor health and I help mum a lot. In turn, she helps with childcare. It's a mutual thing, we support each other. And yes, she is very close to my DC and not so much to by DB's children as a result of the differing amount of time spent with them. I admit there are other reasons, due to family dynamics and differing ideas of parenting etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there are practical reasons why parents provide more support to one sibling/set of grandchildren. That doesn't excuse things like not showing any interest at all or not ending birthday/christmas cards and gifts and so on- which is a totally different situation.

should be "sending birthday/christmas cards and gifts" not "ending"

Perhaps the grandparents feel that you and DH left them to move to another country because that was what suited you at that time and have now after years accepted that you did not see them as important to your lives. Having accepted these thoughts they may not understand why you are now hoping that they will leave the siblings and grandchildren who are around them on a daily basis for people who made the choice to leave the family to live in another country.

Yet in other situations where people have moved (not uncommon in today's world) extra attention is paid to them when they do return home...

All sorts can happen in life. I have seen great fusses made of those who left and return for a holiday and are very fussed over.
I think the main problem is that answers have not been found as to why the OP and family are beig treated like this. We only have her side of the viewpoint. Parents may not like to express how upset they were to be departed from. Maybe that is wh they think OP is so much the career woman, the career came before parents and siblings when the move happened. The parents may have stayed around their parents when they married and think this should be a lifestyle that continued but career came first.

That still makes the parents in the wrong though. One of the fundamental tenets of being a parent is unconditional love. You raise your children to be independent and fulfil their goals. You don't go in an almighty huff because they dare to move away from the hometown, and escalate the huff even further by alienating your grandchildren.

We hope to bring our children up to be individuals and have the ability to live without parental overseeing all the time. There is a difference between being independant and being uncommunicative. It is hard for us to know what exactly happened here. As much as I have seen family members who moved away from the local area being greatly fussed over I have also seen those who stayed local being treated like the furniture. Used to park the backside on.
Parents may have tried to include OP but found local children and grandchildren to be more friendly. After much heartbreak the parents may have found a life without OP and family. Grandparents are human beings with all human failngs as are OP and family
I do not wish to relate my experiences as this is not my thread but these things are often more complicated than first realised. People of all ages can feel rejected for a variety of reasons and some may not like to try to push in or accept usage when it suits others.