To want my husband back now please

[Midge1978]

I'm going to sound like a heartless bitch I know but please be kind, this comes from a genuine place.

DH's father passed away from a long-term illness 10 months ago. Since that day we have rallied around mil to make sure she's ok. DH sorted out all the paperwork after he lost his dad so she didn't have all that to deal with and we let her stay with us each weekend so she didn't get lonely (she meets up with her friends in the week and babysits for sil).

Now 10 months later she is still staying with us every single weekend. Mil phones up nearly every other day with a job she wants dh to do for her so he has to drop everything and go round there. A lot of the time the jobs aren't necessary or someone else has offered to do it but she wants dh to do it. She comes on holidays with us too. When she's here she commands dh's attention while I end up just looking after our children. I feel like the au pair rather than his wife!

I'm not heartless, I can understand that her soulmate has gone and she must feel so lost and lonely. I can't imagine the void that's in her life forever and the heartache she feels. But I miss having Saturday evenings with my husband so much, it was the only night we really got together and it's becoming so hard not to resent her constant demands. DH always defends her but I know she's manipulating him and his good nature. How do I handle this without causing upset?

almostajillsandwich did your dad come and stay every weekend with you for 10 months?

Op, yanbu.

Almostajillsandwich You don't know that I will have decades left with my dh and I certainly won't have decades with my parents and children.

AlmostAJillSandwich

OP is not advocating a sudden stop to everything, just asking advice on how to manage a transition into something that suits everyone.

Because, 10 months in, her MIL and DH have settled into a nice new cosy routine that suits them and I don't believe that MIL will suddenly decide that she needs to become more independent. She needs to be guided, with appropriate support, into not being totally reliant on her son. I only avoided a similar scenario due to a rare moment of self-awareness from my late MIL.

Far from being selfish, I can see the OP has compassion. But how long should the DCs play at being second fiddle to their grandmother? They deserve time from their father, but it sounds like he's concentrating on their grandmother all the time, to their detriment.

Neither my dm or dmil behaved anything like this when their husbands died. Thank goodness. I don't think it will be easy for the OP to get her do on side in order to make changes, it will probably be easier for her to start making small changes to the routine now.

I can sympathise OP, but from the other side. My beautiful dad passed away last year and mum was/still is completely lost. She started staying with us every weekend and 2 nights during the week too. Although while she was here, she always made herself busy and helped with the kids/housework/cooking as DH and I were both working full time. And while I loved having her here and appreciated the help, sometimes I just wanted some time with my husband on the sofa watching shit telly at the weekend. I gently asked her if she'd stay at home one weekend so DH and I could have an evening to ourselves and she was fine about it. She then suggested that she stay every other weekend and look after the kids so DH and I could go out. We compromised, she stays every other weekend and DH and I go out once a month. We go to hers one weekend a month with the kids, and my sisters and their kids go too. It can work out, you just have to find a solution that keeps everyone happy, but your DH should be leading the way with the negotiation. He is her mother after all.

I disagree with you Jill, op is not being selfish at all.

Op, you need to speak to your husband and start putting things into place to let your MIL start living independently. It could take months but it will be beneficial all round.

Thanks all - some really good advice, I really appreciate it c

OVienna Sat 22-Jul-17 20:26:00
Clearly stilldrivingmebonkers is doing some serious projecting here...

Not at all , both DH and my self have lost both our parents, it never occurred to either of us to be jealous of time spent with the remaining parent. We both dipped in and out as necessary. We factored most of out spare time ensuring they were comfortable and cared for. I hope we've been suitable role models for our children.

It's a strange uniquely British phenomenon, to abandon your family when they need you. You certainly don't see it in Asian, African or other European cultures.

Op - might it work that you go to your parents with your dc at the weekends sometimes without dh? he might get more frustrated with the situation and make steps to change it himself?

You are not being unreasonable at all; ignore the two guilt-trippers on here. They're both talking rubbish.

I wasn't raised in Britain Still and my parents had my grandma living with them for over 30 years. Great for me, a disaster for their marriage.

Plus - as the OP repeated, she is not suggesting abandoning her, just setting some very reasonable boundaries so they can also enjoy their own family life and relationship as a couple.

What I also objected to you in your post was the whole 'karma' implication that the OP had better watch out or she could be in for 'worse' from her own DIL. Hopefully the OP will learn from this and be more self-aware.

The other generalisation which would be apt here is look at how your partner treats their parents because you will learn if they will ever be able to re-orientate their thinking about what is the 'primary' family relationship. In my family's case, it was my maternal grandmother BTW so this isn't a mother-son thing at all. My dad definitely came second.

This situation may well be manageable but the OP is not at all wrong to be considering her particular situation and whether habits are being built up now that will be very hard to reconfigure after the MIL has gotten used to them.

I think you're being very harsh and unfair to the OP Jill.
Yes, you have had experience of losing a parent and seeing your dad grieve but OP's situation is very different than yours.
From your other posts on MN I gather you live at home and have no children so the dynamics are VERY different than OP's.

OP I'm in the position your DH is in but both parents still with us. Yesterday evening there was yet another 'emergency' call with an ambulance called. So family evening cancelled and off i went in the car. This time DS came with me. It was he who pointed out DM had given DF 8 x medication. It was her turning on him that was a lightbulb moment for me. I will struggle but I need to put boundaries in place, I really hope you and DH can do the same.

OP, have you thought about how to approach it with your DH so that he doesn't go on the defensive?

Jillsandwich. You are way out of order. OP is NOT selfish. In fact she sounds like she has been incredibly understanding.

Be gentle. Your DH is grieving and it may not just be guilt that means he wants to be with his mum a lot.

The weekend routine needs to be broken a bit - start with that first. Plan ahead and get DH to say to MIL that you have friends staying for the whole of X weekend. Then do that again for another weekend and gradually build it up. You have a long marriage ahead so don't try to stop all the weekend visits at once. The main thing is to agree with DH that you are going to phase them right down.

There a huge sliding scale between abandoning your family and having someone in your house every weekend and dictating your life during the week as well.

As PPs have suggested I think you need to phase it out. It's been 10 months now so maybe talk to your DH about starting to cut down the time after the first anniversary has passed? You will need to be firm but it's for the best for all of you.

If things carry on it will affect your relationship with your DH and with your own parents.