To want my husband back now please

[Midge1978]

I'm going to sound like a heartless bitch I know but please be kind, this comes from a genuine place.

DH's father passed away from a long-term illness 10 months ago. Since that day we have rallied around mil to make sure she's ok. DH sorted out all the paperwork after he lost his dad so she didn't have all that to deal with and we let her stay with us each weekend so she didn't get lonely (she meets up with her friends in the week and babysits for sil).

Now 10 months later she is still staying with us every single weekend. Mil phones up nearly every other day with a job she wants dh to do for her so he has to drop everything and go round there. A lot of the time the jobs aren't necessary or someone else has offered to do it but she wants dh to do it. She comes on holidays with us too. When she's here she commands dh's attention while I end up just looking after our children. I feel like the au pair rather than his wife!

I'm not heartless, I can understand that her soulmate has gone and she must feel so lost and lonely. I can't imagine the void that's in her life forever and the heartache she feels. But I miss having Saturday evenings with my husband so much, it was the only night we really got together and it's becoming so hard not to resent her constant demands. DH always defends her but I know she's manipulating him and his good nature. How do I handle this without causing upset?

Why can't another family member stay with her on a Saturday night at her own home? Alternative weeks - because right now this has become her routine. As others have rightly pointed out, both you and DH need to act as a team. Otherwise she'll continue...

Regarding jobs that need doing? Maybe your DH needs to delegate - if other folk are offering and the job gets done. But, if he continues to jump at her every demand - those demands will increase.

Does your H see the problem?

Stilldrivingmebonkers I never said I wanted her sidelined and dumped, you are putting words into my mouth. I do not want her to be abandoned, I fully expect her to need help and be helped by us but I feel the balance has now gone too much way and I worry about the pressure it puts on dh. The children also miss out when he dashes out after promising to play with them.

Give her stuff to do when she's at your house?

Get her involved with the children - e.g. read them a story or play a board game with them.

If she isn't very fit, tasks that she can do sitting at a table (sewing on a button/ polishing silver - sorry I know I sound like I'm straight out of an Enid Blyton book - whatever you've got that needs sorting and can be done in a sitting position!)

All go and visit her at the weekend instead of her coming to you. Use an excuse (oh MIL, we'll come round and help with your garden this weekend/ take the curtains down for washing). Just to break the cycle that she always has to come to you.

It sounds like her own daughter should be doing much more.

PS I note you saying that your DH "defends" her.

You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him how you feel - it's not her "fault" but you are beginning to feel like an au pair in your own house. You don't at all want to cut contact and it's important that she knows you are all there for her, but not at the expense of your marriage.

If he doesn't listen, perhaps you can arrange a weekend away for yourself, and leave him with mom and kids? Obviously you need to tell him in plenty of time, he will have the kids to himself that weekend as you want to go and visit a friend or whatever, you need some time away from his mother at the weekend as you are just beginning to feel like a domestic drudge and that's not good for anyone.

Mil has dinner with her daughter sometimes during the week but that's only because mil babysits for her a lot.

Far from sounding like a heartless bitch, you sound kind and compassionate and so does your DH. But you need to have your own life together, and MIL needs to stop using her son as a substitute for the man she's lost.

Agree with pps, your DH needs to begin to step back and let her know that he has a life with you and cannot always be at her beck and call. Obviously, this is something that has to be done slowly and gently, but it does have to be done.

As hard as it sounds he's not doing her any favours to let her think she can transfer her need for companionship onto him and you his wife. She needs to build her life and go forward. It doesn't mean you will be deserting her, but your needs as a couple count too.

It's not your MIL that's the issue, it's your DH. You need to sit him down and say you've had enough now, and want weekends back as a family. Sunday lunch is fine, you can take it in turns for her to cook and you but the whole weekend has to stop. She has to learn how to be on her own at some point, and you're actually not helping her in the long term.
My late FIL was very lost when his 2nd wife died. He was so lonely, but a kind neighbour took him to a church group for widows/widowers and it was the making of him. They met every Sunday, then during the week for days out/lunches and coffee mornings at each others homes. He went out more in his last 8 years of life than he'd done in the last 20 years of marriage.

She needs to find a new direction, and I think gently telling DH that you're holding her back from that might help.

The way a man treats his mother is the way a man treats his wife. If you want her sidelined and dumped be careful what you wish for, because one day your DIL might just decide you are a maudlin encumbrance with too many little jobs that need doing ......

Oh for heaven's sake. No one is sidelining or dumping anyone. This woman has taken over her son's weekends and a lot of his spare time in the week as well, giving him no chance for a one-on-one relaxed evening with his own wife. It's understandable that she craves the support and the company. She's suffered a huge loss. But loss like this is coming for all of us at some point. It's not a reason to take over all her son's free time indefinitely. He needs some space to live the adult life he's built for himself - with his wife and his kids - and as hard as it is, she needs to start building the next version of her own life. Which will obviously involve her son and the OP, but won't use up every spare second they have.

Clearly stilldrivingmebonkers is doing some serious projecting here...

Op, I totally sympathise with you.

We had similar when DFIL died with MIL. it went on for years, her making obscure demands and in the end we had to tell her to back off as she was causing so much stress for us. DFIL did everything for her, she never did the shopping or paid a bill before he died, so it was left to me to do (as I was a SAHM) and it soured our relationship as she was never thankful and quite rude if I didn't get what she wanted. We had to do things slowly and learn her how to do things. For instance, she wanted me to go into town every week to get her three beef sausages from the butchers, had to be a specific one, and we eventually started buying them from the supermarket with her regular shopping.

Having your husband die must be a very traumatic experience, and things do need to be done slowly until you adjust, but if you don't stop some of these behaviours and help her live independently, she will forever be stopping with you every weekend.

Speak to your husband, tell him it is affecting your relationship and he needs to make the changes. It doesn't sound like it is all one sided with your MIL.

This is unnatural.

I lost my father almost 15 years ago, and my mother did not behave like this. Yes, it was terribly difficult. Yes, she had a broken heart. And, yes it was scary and she misses him terribly still. But she got on with it, as you must. And built a new life for herself.

You need to sit your DH down and be frank: this isn't working for you. You are not helping MIL by allowing this schedule to continue and doing every little thing for her. It is not allowing her to move on with her life in a healthy manner. And it's certainly not healthy for your relationship with your DH and yoru family.

Essentially, she has lost her husband, yes, terribly sad, and to make up for it, she has taken yours.

It's not a sustainable situation, and you need to tell him it has to stop.

Forgot to add: she's also depriving her own grandchildren of an engaged, present father. This isn't right.

He has a lot to lose here ... this needs to made clear to him.

Oh OP!
I could write a book.

This same thing happened with my Nan and my dad. I'm going to give you the extra short version.

My grandad died, 35 years ago. My dad was my nans 'surrogate husband' for the entire 35 years. He did everything for her, 7 days a week. The post up ^ about the sausages. He did all that. His life was dedicated to her, thats no exageration. 7 days a week 24 hours a day, he was running around after her. He was married to my mom at the time. She came second best, she knew it. I knew it. I had a poor relationship with him for my entire life because he put my nan before anyone.

What happened? He got terminal cancer. Who did everything fall to regarding my nan? Me. Oh and my mom.
It was hell. Hell on earth. He did literally everything. EVERYTHING.
I didn't, it wasn't good enough for either of them. I also had a DH and 2 children. Refused point blank to be her slave. My dad couldn't understand why I didn't want to care for her 24/7. He went to his death bed being nasty and guilt tripping me.

He died. Few months later she died.

My mom has a new lease of life and I feel free. How horrible is that?
This is coming from the childs side. Im 30.

This is the short story. Nip it in the bud now. Seriously.

Polly that is heartbreaking I am so sorry.

It is sad when a family member or close friend dies. I assume Milan lives close, what would happen if there were no close relatives. I understand in the early few months support is required. However, I would start setting some boundaries like visits every other weekend or joining some local groups. Mil needs to be more independent

She does. Plus it would be nice to see my own parents once in a while.

Do not allow this to wreck time with your parents. You will regret it. God knows I do

Honestly you really need to deal with this now. Your MIL is in the midst of terrible grief - that is awful. But she is an adult who has a life ahead of her. You can't make the death of her husband not happen. It did. This is her new reality. The point of grieving is to learn to embrace and eventually live fully in the new reality.

Your dh is not grieving properly either because in some ways he is trying to make the death of his dad not impact his mother. But that is nonsense. Of course she is going to be devastated. You can't hide that by inviting her over every weekend.

If your dh won't talk to you openly about this then I think you and he need to go to a grief counseller to discuss. because as other posters have said, your relationship with your husband and his with his children are going to be affected by this.

I honestly would not have endured either my mother or my MIL living with me every weekend after their spouses died. OP I feel for you but you really do have to make your dh understand that this is a very critical issue for your marriage and for your MIL's future life.

Hi OP. I'm sorry things are so tricky for you.
My mil lost her dh years ago, and yes she 'borrows' my dh to do jobs now and then, we take her out for dinner on anniversaries/visit the graveyard regularly etc (and generally have a good amount of contact) but she's also got a wide range of friends, and does loads with them.
We're always there if needed, and would never see her struggle, but she does have her own life.
I'd also suggest that dh isn't doing her any favours by acting this way - doesn't he want her to have a full and varied life?
I agree with pps, you need to sort this out with dh - he's not acting like a father just now, when he's letting his kids down. Time for a frank conversation OP.

For goodness sake it's only been 10 months, at that point after my mums death my dad was still incredibly suicidal missing her and wishing he didn't have to live without her but had to because me and sis are disabled and need him. Sounds like MIL is also older/elderly, you can't whack a "healing time" on losing the love of your life.
Your DH is her son, probably reminds her a hell of a lot of his father, and right now, she is still mourning and needs him to cope.

You're not just being unreasonable, you're being incredibly selfish. Give the poor woman some time to grieve and let her decide when she's ready to start being a bit less dependent without any "pressure". You've probably got decades yet with your husband, have some compassion.

You can never say what might happen in this kind of situation.. as in if a Mother loses her husband and vice versa. it is all to do with family dynamics etc.. I have known a few family members, as in an auntie or two,,who went all to pot and could not cope at all after losing a husband, could not do anything in the house at all to survive day to day.. I find this incredible really,, There are people who know too well that a son or daughter will always be on hand,, as in beck and call so to speak, so you just have to go along with helping. even with great annoyance...

How old is she?

I agree with those saying that you should be discussing this with your DH, not MIL. You should be a united front on how you want to manage things. Start the conversation clearly with him - your concern about the impact in your marriage and children. Going out doesn't need to be expensive - pop round to a friend's or just go to the pub? Or for a drive to a local beauty spot for a walk and a chippy tea on a bench somewhere whilst the evenings are light? But seeing as she babysits for SIL surely she could babysit for you on the Saturday nights she's staying?

Definitely come up with a long term plan for how you want things to be in the future (every other weekend or just Sundays alternating etc) - but don't expect to impose it unilaterally immediately, especially with it coming up to the 1 year anniversary of his death. That is a pretty big milestone in losing someone, she'll need a lot of support around that.

In the meantime if you just need some space from the situation, absolutely take some time for yourself - could you go and stay with friends/family for the weekend, or find a deal for a cheap night in a travel lodge somewhere with lovely free things to do (parks, beaches, free museums etc) for some time out for yourself.

What sort of things is she interested in, are there local groups suitable for her? If she's religious churches often have bereavement support groups, our local one is fab and I know people who have been going there for years and it has turned their lives around. You can find non-religious support through organisations like Cruse too. But any other interests - my gran goes to WI, the local historical society (evening talks and several group weekends away each year), bridge club.... she used to play golf a lot and go to a walking club which she finds more difficult now but still goes for coffee with the golf 'girls' (not one of them under 70).

So I'd say start talking and planning with DH now, but wait until the 1 year anniversary has passed before imposing drastic changes if she's not naturally starting to move on with gentle encouragement/suggestions.