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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave 12 month old for 3 nights to go to wedding abroad

62 replies

Jupitertomars · 22/07/2017 11:44

Feeling conflicted. Shes very attached to me, was breastfed until 9 months (currently 10 months). Wont be sat down unless im literally beside her and wants held constantly so when cooking/hoovering ect shes on my hip.

I do 99% of the caring for her. Feeding, bedtime, nightfeeds, bath time. Im a SAHM and OH works very long hours. Im happy with this.

But im now unsure if im being unreasonable to leave her when she's so dependent on me and attached. She wont be held by anyone else if im in the room and has been this way since 3 months old. Shes extremely aware and has been since she was so young. Since 3 months old shes had stranger/separation anxiety despite people saying she was too young, im 100% certain she has.

She does sleep alone in her cot at night so isn't cosleeping however is rocked to sleep with a song playing so who ever is babysitting could play the song and rock her and therefore shouldn't be too much of an issue. I just worry if day to day she'll be upset or confused without me.

She has stayed overnight with my sister a few weeks ago and was fine which I was surprised at.

Oh and I have been invited to a wedding abroad in two months and if im going I need to book now. Im really unsure. I would love nothing more than some free time with OH but in my heart I dont know if it'll be a waste as I wont enjoy it without her. Or she'll be distraught wondering where ive disappeared to.

She will stay with my mum for 1/2 nights and my sister 1/2 nights if I go (I have still to confirm who will have her and my 5yo on what nights).

Shes never stayed with my mum and sees her once every couple of weeks as my mum is so busy working fulltime and caring for her elderly parents. So I worry about that.

She will stay out once between now and the wedding maybe twice if my mum can arrange care for her parents so she can have her but we dont have much opportunities to have her babysat.

Just really unsure. My OH would go without me if I cant go but obviously it would be nice if I could. Just very unsure and wondered what others thought or have done?

OP posts:

fiorentina · 22/07/2017 15:51

I had to go away with work for 5 nights when DD was younger than that. She was fine, I was fine but it's up to you what you're comfortable with.

mistermagpie · 22/07/2017 17:13

Hmm I don't know, on the one hand I think you're being a bit pfb (I know she's not your first but you know what I mean!) about it, but on the other I have only left my 2 year old for two nights when I was in hospital
having his brother and wouldn't choose to leave him for more than a night otherwise.

The fact is though, she will be fine. These 'clingy' babies are often surprisingly ok when the favoured parent isn't actually there, as you found out when she stayed at your sisters. I have a friend in a very similar situation to you (sahm, DH works away, very clingy child etc etc) and she went to New York for a wedding for four days recently. She was dreading leaving her daughter but she was totally fine once her mum had left and had a great time with her grandparents.

So I say go!

BertrandRussell · 22/07/2017 20:15

"I wouldn't go. I couldn't prioritise a wedding over my baby"

A baby being perfectly well looked after by her aunt and grandmother.

Donttouchthethings · 22/07/2017 20:17

I just read the title and can tell you that I wouldn't leave her. She's too young and you're a mum first. The end.

IllBeAtTheSpa · 22/07/2017 20:22

I'd do it. I did...

I went on a long weekend with dh when dd was 7mo. It was a 2 hour flight away and I made sure my dm who was main babysitter had everything to hand all laid out in the dining room table. It was lovely having the time with dh and staying in a nice hotel and I dont regret it one bit.

coconutpie · 22/07/2017 20:41

I wouldn't go either. 12 months is still very young. If you are that conflicted then clearly you are having second thoughts. Especially when it is abroad. Weddings are not important.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 22/07/2017 20:46

Christ on a bike, she is a year old.

Go to the fucking wedding.

You do 99% of looking after a kid who seems to be constantly in your arms. Just go and have a break.

And dont bring your kid to a wedding they werent invited to.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 22/07/2017 20:47

"I wouldn't go. I couldn't prioritise a wedding over my baby"

I just read the title and can tell you that I wouldn't leave her. She's too young and you're a mum first. The end

And dont listen to this bollocks talk either.

Whatsername17 · 22/07/2017 20:50

She will be fine. Mine both have been like this I anxiously let my.mum have them over night and get bombarded with happy, smiley photos and reports of a good night. Generally, they are clingy whilst you are there. When you leave, they are fine.

NicolasFlamel · 22/07/2017 20:52

You know your baby. I could have left my son with grandparents for days and he really wouldn't have cared. He had a sleepover for two nights with them when he was 18 months, he was totally fine and I missed him loads. My daughter is a nightmare and gets hysterical at being left with anyone for a few hours.. we're working on that.
If you think she'll be fine, you're confident in who you're leaving her with and you feel comfortable with being away then go for it.

Babbitywabbit · 22/07/2017 20:55

"I wouldn't go. I couldn't prioritise a wedding over my baby"

I wish people would stop spouting this sort of bollocks. Those of us who leave babies of whatever age, whether it's to go to work or for a social event, are not prioritising those things over our precious child. Every mother I know places her child first as the most important thing in their life. We are simply doing other things which are perfectly compatible with having a child.

If you won't be able to enjoy the wedding, then stay home- it's your choice. But don't listen to anyone trying to guilt trip you into thinking that if you go to the wedding, it somehow makes that more important than your baby

Sashkin · 22/07/2017 21:00

I wouldn't. DS would be totally fine, but I'd be constantly phoning up to check how he was, and counting down the hours till I got home. If you're anything like me (and it sounds like you are), you wouldn't be able to relax.

Sashkin · 22/07/2017 21:13

Having refreshed the thread, there's nothing wrong with leaving him, but I personally don't want to. I happily go out during the day and leave him with DH or DM, but overnight is too long for my own personal comfort. It is totally about me and not DS!

But if you know you are going to be anxious and unsettled away from him for three days, there's no point in trying to force yourself to do it just because you think you ought to be ok with it. If you're not, you're not.

ZanyMobster · 22/07/2017 21:31

Honestly MN goes crazy if you leave your kids for a night if they are under 16 - in RL most people do.

You should go, she will be fine as long as she is left with people you trust. Can she stay at your mum's for a night soon just so she's used to it? If not I still don't think it's an issue.

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/07/2017 21:35

She'll be absolutely fine. You said yourself she doesn't like to held by others if you're there but is fine if you aren't.

chips4teaplease · 22/07/2017 21:36

Don't leave your baby - it's you she wants, not your sister.

MaximaDeWit · 22/07/2017 21:42

I'd try and spend lots and lots of time with my mother, have her stay there for naps, mealtimes, bedtimes, etc. as much as you can. If you still aren't comfortable leaving her could your mum or sister come with you and look after her in the hotel, etc. while you enjoy yourself?

Honestly, as the mother of a clingy, sensitive 2 year old, you'll be suffering far, far more than your child will if you go and leave her - she'll probably by playing and laughing 5 mins after you've left

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 22/07/2017 21:50

I ended up leaving 12m old DS2 for 4 days to take Brownies on a special international trip for an event. Many months earlier when I made the commitment, I'd been expecting him to to be down to one or two breastfeeds a day like DS1... I wasn't expecting a milk fiend (bottles not accepted) and the only issue was frequent use of my breast pump to control engorgement.

He was perfectly happy in my absence. (Although we were both very happy for him to launch at me for a welcome home feed )

They are more adaptable than they'd have you believe, and there's nothing wrong with having a few days off after a year of parenting and leaving them in the care of relatives.

JennyBlueWren · 22/07/2017 21:52

I went on a 3 night hen do when my DS was 10 months. DH is a SAHD and had his parents staying so that might have made a difference. The only issue I had was that I had to get some breastpads as I still breastfed at night.

Get her used to being left with mum and auntie a bit so she's used to it but at worse it's only for 3 nights.

bouncydog · 22/07/2017 23:12

DD stayed with my mum from 6 weeks! She was seriously ill in hospital for 3 weeks from birth and my mum insisted DH and I needed a night off. She then used to stay regularly. DD is now 24, and is very confident etc. I would go - you need to have time together as a couple.

bouncydog · 22/07/2017 23:14

Forgot to mention DD was breastfed until 12 months - had a great pump and bottles for when I wasn't available!

kittensinmydinner1 · 23/07/2017 09:21

I wouldn't go. I couldn't prioritise a wedding over my baby"

I just read the title and can tell you that I wouldn't leave her. She's too young and you're a mum first. The end

I wouldn't go either. 12 months is still very young. If you are that conflicted then clearly you are having second thoughts. Especially when it is abroad. Weddings are not important.

OMG ! Really ? Call the 1950s they want your attitudes back.
Absolutely go. OP. Your DC will be fine. The one with separation anxiety will be you. !

Worst of all worlds will be to take DC with you - especially when you have babysitter wiling to, and good at, helping.
The overwhelming reason for marriage breakdown in this country is couples moving apart once children arrive, (where the adults focus entirely on child and forget to nurture their own relationship as a couple. )

Some serious couple time will do wonders for your relationship. Every single long-term successful marriage I know. (20yrs plus) has been between couples who have always made time away with each other a priority from when the kids were babies. There children are all self assured, supremely independent young people. Showing not an iota of long term trauma from mother having the temerity to take time for herself and not being a martyr to motherhood.

BertrandRussell · 23/07/2017 09:24

"I wouldn't go. I couldn't prioritise a wedding over my baby"

The more I read this, the more I think it is one of the most offensive things I have ever read on Mumsnet. Seriously.

Coastalcommand · 23/07/2017 09:26

Take her with you.

IchFliegeNach · 23/07/2017 09:40

I did exactly the same with my BF baby. It was fine and she is a very secure and flexible little toddler now, with both of us benefitting from the odd overnight or weekend staying with Granny.

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