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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance WWYD

42 replies

HelloMrDarcy · 22/07/2017 09:19

I have name changed for this and changed a few details in case it is identifying.

This isn't an AIBU more of a WWYD.

Bit of background. XH and I have a DD together. We had an amicable split and co parent together, he has DD EOW and one night in the week. He pays regular maintenance, we have a private arrangement not through the CMS and never had any problems, he always pays on time and he pays more than the minimum required.

XH had a bit of a difficult upbringing - never met his father and mother died young of liver failure due to alcoholism. He has done very well for himself despite his background and leaving education at 16, he moved to a city for better job opportunities and is now a higher rate tax payer.

In contrast his younger brother has not done so well. He is a nice guy but doesn't have much drive - works in a minimum wage job and isn't interested in looking for anything better. The brother has 2 children with his partner who cannot work due to disability. XH of course feels a sense of responsibility and helps his brother out financially, pays his phone contract etc.

The brother has just found out that the place he works is shutting down at the end of the summer and he will be out of a job. He lives in a small town where job prospects are limited and is struggling to find something else.

XH has come to me and asked if he can skip paying me maintenance for this month so he can help his brother out.

On the one hand I can go a month without maintenance. I have a good job myself and can pay for everything without XH's money. I have been on the breadline before and I know how horrible it must be for his brother and family. However on the other hand he does have financial responsibility for his DD and I'm worried that if I let him off for this month it may turn into another month and another as I don't know how long it will take for his brother to find work.

If you were in my situation WWYD?

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 09:22

If I could do without the money I'd say 'ok' but only for a month. This is based on how he does not appear feckless or difficult and is asking for help.

The next month would be a 'no' though.

booloobalooloo · 22/07/2017 09:23

What about suggesting he drop it to the minimum for a couple months? X

Rainybo · 22/07/2017 09:27

I think I would accept the minimum for a couple of months.

However, by skipping a month completely he is actually asking you to subsidise his brother. Only you know if you are happy with that.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 09:28

He sounds a decent guy, if I could afford it I would do it.

Glumglowworm · 22/07/2017 09:30

I would worry that it wouldn't just be for one month. You said the brother lacks drive and job prospects are limited. It may seem easier to live on his brothers charity and benefits. On the other hand he may hate it and it might push him to work harder at job hunting (but since he lets his brother pay his phone contract, I doubt it).

By taking child maintainence to support his brother ex is not supporting him you and your child are! Which is not fair. He's not your responsibility but DD is ex's responsibility.

If you do agree, make it very clear that you can only afford to lose one month. That if the situation continues then you will have to go through CMS because you rely on the money to support DD.

inkydinky · 22/07/2017 09:33

He can either afford to help his brother out or he can't. Sounds like he can't. Has he asked for a month off paying his rent or mortgage instead? Or perhaps eating beans for a month? I would worry that he views his payment to support his DC as optional. And that's not a precedent I would want setting.

If his brother asked you directly for the cash equivalent would you freely give it? If not, don't give it to him this way.

JuicyStrawberry · 22/07/2017 09:40

No it's not acceptable.
It wouldn't be acceptable to not pay maintenance for a month because say, he had a partner who has lost her job so it definitely isn't acceptable to not pay maintenance because his brother is losing his job.
Your ex needs to focus on his kids, his brother needs to focus on his. Whatever his brother pays in maintainence he will need to negotiate with his ex/speak to the cms so that maintenance reflects his current circumstances. But it's not your kids' problem and if he does decide to help his brother out it shouldn't mean your kids go without.

Original poster

HelloMrDarcy · 22/07/2017 09:42

Thank you for all your views. Now I think about it yes, I think if he wants to help out his brother he should do it at his own expense and not DD's. He can afford luxuries for himself - for example he has had 3 foreign holidays this year and is going on another one later in the year.

I don't want to be seen as the bad guy in the situation if I say no as he has never asked me for a favour before. I will suggest he pays a minimum amount of maintenance for this month.

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 22/07/2017 09:50

You said yourself there are never any issues with maintenance so I would say yes to him if I were you.

Your dd isn't missing out is she as he already pays more than minimum and you can pay for everything yourself.

If you have been on the breadline before then surely you'd have more empathy.

The fact that his brother has no drive is irrelevant and it doesn't really matter. Lots of people work in a minimum pay job your posts suggests people that do have no drive. Not necessarily true.

Scrumptiousbears · 22/07/2017 09:51

I was inclined to say yes only for one month but as a PP said that means you are subbing the brother and not him. I know it'll be hard but I think you need to say this and explain it from that point of view and say no.

Redpandaeyes · 22/07/2017 09:53

I would reduce the amount, so that it frees up enough for him to help his brother but he is still paying something regularly to you

user1497480444 · 22/07/2017 09:54

I would suggest missing out this month, but repaying the difference by slightly increasing the next few months

user1497480444 · 22/07/2017 09:54

That way you are being flexible and showing goodwill,, but not at the expense of your child

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 09:56

If he pays the minimum for a couple of months he might decide to continue it and there wouldn't be much you could do about it. He has been fair from what you say so I would want to be the same, I think as a one month one off things it is more than likely that he will then go back to previous arrangement.

You need to be careful.

Isadora2007 · 22/07/2017 09:57

I'd agree to a one off.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 09:58

Just wanted to say we don't know how much he is giving brother, he might be economising on lots of stuff for the month as brother needs bailing out, it isn't necessarily going to be giving the brother what he normally gives OP and that is it.

JuicyStrawberry · 22/07/2017 10:03

I'm quite shocked that people are advising you to go without the maintenance in order to help his brother out.
If it was because your ex had a new baby or his partner had lost her job and he asked you if he could skip maintenance for a month then people would be saying no way to you. Not sure how helping his brother out makes the replies different? That money is for your dd.

emmyrose2000 · 22/07/2017 10:21

No, I wouldn't agree to it. One month will morph into more, either now or later on.

If he's that keen on helping his brother he can skip one of his own holidays. Alternatively, propose this idea to one of his utility suppliers or landlord/bank. I highly doubt they'll take him seriously.

XH of course feels a sense of responsibility and helps his brother out financially, pays his phone contract etc.

Why does he feel that "of course" he has a responsibility to his brother? The only person ex has a definite responsibility to is his child. If the brother doesn't have the drive to better himself then he has to live within those perimeters, not accept handouts from his brother.

walkinganhouraday · 22/07/2017 10:22

It's a tough one as I would be worried about setting a precedent, especially as I presume your Ex knows you can manage without it.

Although strictly speaking the money belongs to your daughter for her upbringing so whether you can manage without it is a moot point.

If you agree to one month who is to say that it won't become two, three or six or every other month?

Also, If you agree to lower the amount you receive I think there is a real danger that it will never go back to original amount.

So I would definitely not agree to missing a month but would possibly agree to lowering amount you receive if you are content that it may never revert to current level.

DaisysStew · 22/07/2017 10:31

He has a responsibility to his child not to his brother. He's doing it knowing full well that you'll cover the cost of your child for the month.

As resident parent you don't get the choice to be so "generous" as you have to feed, clothe and house your child. If you decided that rather than do that you'd give the money to a sibling and your child would have to go without for a whole month then you'd be in serious trouble. Just because he doesn't have your dc full time doesn't absolve him of his 50% financial responsibility to her.

Lucysky2017 · 22/07/2017 10:31

I don't agree. He should still pay.
You could offer to let his brother come down and baby sit for 40 hours for you in return say for room and board that week - get the brother working very hard or doing a complete clean and spring clean clear out of your place!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/07/2017 10:38

Oh no do not ask for the minimum amount I will gladly bet you a tenner that if you do that then he will want it reduced to the minimum for good.

Just say "I really hope xx gets sorted soon and I think it's great you want to help him but really by skipping maintenance it's not you helping him at all it would dd and it just doesn't sit right with me so I am afraid it's not something I can agree to, if you want to help him you need to do that yourself"

lalalalyra · 22/07/2017 10:52

Skipping maintenance isn't him helping his brother - it's you helping his brother.

ShapelyBingoWing · 22/07/2017 11:02

He's asking you to help his brother out, not doing it himself. And I agree with PP that going without entirely is a bad idea as it implies your DD can get by just as well without the money. In the interest of keeping up relations I'd agree to drop payments to the CMS dictated amount for a couple of months (as a higher rate tax payer, he'll still be paying a fairly reasonable amount). I'd do no more than that though.

Original poster

HelloMrDarcy · 22/07/2017 11:15

Myheart I do have empathy and of course I don't think that people who work in minimum wage jobs have no drive. His brother is not a bad person, he has been working in the same place since he was a teenager and he stuck with it because he was comfortable there. When I say he doesn't have much drive I just mean he's not very ambitious career wise which is fine if that's what he wants but does mean he struggles financially.

Emmy he feels a sense of responsibility in that they didn't have much in the way of parenting and being the older one he felt he had to take on that role.

Thank you for all your viewpoints. I'll have to mull it over today.

OP posts:

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