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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance WWYD

42 replies

HelloMrDarcy · 22/07/2017 09:19

I have name changed for this and changed a few details in case it is identifying.

This isn't an AIBU more of a WWYD.

Bit of background. XH and I have a DD together. We had an amicable split and co parent together, he has DD EOW and one night in the week. He pays regular maintenance, we have a private arrangement not through the CMS and never had any problems, he always pays on time and he pays more than the minimum required.

XH had a bit of a difficult upbringing - never met his father and mother died young of liver failure due to alcoholism. He has done very well for himself despite his background and leaving education at 16, he moved to a city for better job opportunities and is now a higher rate tax payer.

In contrast his younger brother has not done so well. He is a nice guy but doesn't have much drive - works in a minimum wage job and isn't interested in looking for anything better. The brother has 2 children with his partner who cannot work due to disability. XH of course feels a sense of responsibility and helps his brother out financially, pays his phone contract etc.

The brother has just found out that the place he works is shutting down at the end of the summer and he will be out of a job. He lives in a small town where job prospects are limited and is struggling to find something else.

XH has come to me and asked if he can skip paying me maintenance for this month so he can help his brother out.

On the one hand I can go a month without maintenance. I have a good job myself and can pay for everything without XH's money. I have been on the breadline before and I know how horrible it must be for his brother and family. However on the other hand he does have financial responsibility for his DD and I'm worried that if I let him off for this month it may turn into another month and another as I don't know how long it will take for his brother to find work.

If you were in my situation WWYD?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2017 11:25

How about agreeing to 50% for 2 months, on the basis he then repays that missing 50% over the next 4 months?

So you're sympathetic to wanting to assist his brother, he can have 2 months to help him find a job etc but then you need to get back on track?

I'd definitely make the point that DD is not an obligation he can "reduce" when someone else needs his money.

walkinganhouraday · 22/07/2017 11:33

I can't believe that a grown adult with a family of his own allows his brother to pay his phone bill!

If he really is struggling then surely he will be entitled to some state provision?

Or if not and your ex is that concerned he should curtail some of his own outgoings.

If he isn't willing to do that then you have your answer.

Maintenance is not a luxury!

corlan · 22/07/2017 11:35

If I was in your situation, I'd say 'no'. He's asking you to subsidise his brother at the expense of your daughter. It's a really bad idea to allow this because if he does it once, what's to stop him doing it again?
My ex used to have a very good excuse every few months why he couldn't pay any support for our DD. Your responsibility to the children you made come before any other responsibilities.

alltouchedout · 22/07/2017 11:40

I think I'd say to him that what he's asking is to put his brother before his DD. There are other ways he can help- he could take out a loan to help his brother, for instance.

toosexyforyahshirt · 22/07/2017 11:55

XH has come to me and asked if he can skip paying me maintenance for this month so he can help his brother out

I'd say no. It's setting a dangerous precedent, it's saying that other things can come before maintenance. That should always come first, before anything else. And it's not going to be a one off, is it? The brother probably won't have a new job by next month....

Hissy · 22/07/2017 12:09

I'm the softest bugger there is, but your h is asking you to sub his db

If h can afford to help his brother, he should, but otherwise he had to honour his commitments.

If this were a csa arrangement, he'd not be able to think about not paying it.

I'd give thought to getting this arrangement formalised tbh.

Your bil will be getting redundancy money... if he's been there for ever, that will help him keep things ticking over for a while.

Perhaps your ex ought to cancel his holiday

NellieFiveBellies · 22/07/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiskyIrnBru · 22/07/2017 12:22

Just out of interest, how many of resident parents can take a 'month off' buying clothes, shoes, food etc? I'm shocked at people saying they would allow this. Maintenance is to maintain a child. Fathers like this really have no clue. Regardless of him paying more. It's his child! You don't get the chance to opt out of a month of caring for a child!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/07/2017 12:31

If he has been there since he was a teenager and it's closing then surely he going to get a fairly decent redundancy payment?

QuackDuckQuack · 22/07/2017 12:41

I think that offering to have the minimum will mean you never get more again. I think he should be the one to go without to help his brother, not pass the cost onto you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2017 09:55

I can't believe anyone is suggesting you agree to not having a months worth of maintenance.

On the first of the month we pay the mortgage, utilities, council tax and child support to DH ex. I assume her bills go out the same day and the child support is as optional to the scenario as either of our mortgages are to keeping a roof over ours and my DSCs heads - i.e. Not at all!

We certainly don't take 4 holidays a year but that money is for DHs children. It's not negotiable.

As others have said, if you agree to a month and he decides his brother's needs continue to be greater than his daughters and he doesn't start paying again, you can do to the CMS but they'll only give you the minimum he owes you.

Agreeing to this isn't returning a favour OP. If he wants to give (even more) money to his (adult, able bodied) brother, or a stranger on the street, or to have his head cast in disbands, or to buy a boat, he can do so, once he's paid you what's been agreed to help fund his daughter. If he can't afford his brother/boat/diamond head etc he can make cut backs or get a loan. Like a normal person.

user1498911589 · 23/07/2017 10:00

No. I think he might be testing the water to see if you will agree to a drop for other reasons.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/07/2017 10:02

It could be the start of a slippery slope if you agree.

The brother is an adult who if he is truly being made redundant will be entitled to either redundancy pay or to claim benefits.

Your child (his child) is his responsibility not his brother.

I think have a chat, being sympathetic, but pointing this out or as another poster said. Any help should be to his own detriment not his child's!

C0untDucku1a · 23/07/2017 10:02

Id say no. It would be you funding the brother, not him. He has many luxuries reading your update. If he isnt cancelling his holiday or controlling his own spending i would be concerned that his attitude towards the feeding and housing of his daughter, which should be top priority, not of no priority.

He is high earner and big spender but cant help the brother out of his savings? He either has no savings or just doesnt want to spend the savings when he can make you and his daughter go short for a month. Both options are worrying. i would not set this precedent.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/07/2017 10:32

So he is asking you to give several hundred pounds to his brother? What is he sacrificing for the brother? Is he draining his savings? Has he cancelled his holiday?

Do you feel like making a charitable donation of several hundred pounds? If you do is the brother the place you want to make the donation? Or would you rather give it to a food bank? Or cancer research? Or some other worthy cause?

As an absolute minimum he needs to give you the maintenance and you then send a cheque to his brother. Everyone needs to be aware what is happening here. This is not him kindly helping out his brother. This is him using your money to help out his brother. Taking money from your Dd for his brother.

TinselAngel · 23/07/2017 10:44

He wants to help his brother out, but at no actual cost to himself. I'd say no. It may sound harsh but it's just not your problem.

MsVestibule · 23/07/2017 11:07

I understand his desire to help his brother, but what makes him think that cutting your DD's maintenance payments is the way to do it? It shows he thinks that this is an optional payment, which is a really bad precedent to set.

Do you have the sort of relationship where you could discuss this civilly? If you explain that his proposal actually means that you are giving his brother £xxx rather than him, he may see it differently.

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