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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to steal his gambling winnings....(he's not supposed to gamble!)

46 replies

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:24

Long story short, DP is not supposed to visit the casino....he used to do it yrs ago - not often, usually if on a particularly boozy night. When we had DC1 5 yrs ago he agreed he wouldn't do it again.

(We have our own accts and joint accts into which most of our salaries go - we both have full visibility and control over these so I'm confident he's not been maintaining a gambling habit and squandering our cash).

Last night he was out, rolled home totally plastered at around 2. I was awake with 8 wk old DC2 - not amused. He went to the spare room and didn't emerge until 11 today - was "working from home" Hmm.

On getting downstairs this morning I discover front door not shut properly (furious about that) and a trail of food mess in kitchen. He was clearly very worse for wear. I also discover a really crap attempt to hide a wad of cash in £50 notes (£700) in a casino envelope inside a book - which he's forgotten to place back into shelf!!

I took the cash, hid it and put book back. DP has not mentioned it at all today! He's been v hungover and sheepish. When I asked him about last night he talked about the bar they'd been to, who was out....no mention of casino. I suspect he thinks he lost the cash in his drunken state and is full of shame.

AIBU to keep the cash? Naughty tax? Serves him right/teach him a lesson etc?

But I feel like it's dirty money and dishonest, making me no better than him and it's probably more important to have it out with him. WWYD???

OP posts:
Migraleve · 21/07/2017 22:25

Erm why can't you just talk to him?

Is stealing the money and say g nothing better than facing up to your relationship problems?

Spurtle · 21/07/2017 22:26

Erm . . . you're kidding right?
He's 'not allowed' to go to the casino?
You think it might be ok to steal £700?

Spurtle · 21/07/2017 22:28

(Although I do agree rolling in pissed and leaving the door open when you've got a newborn is pretty shit)

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:29

Why isn't he allowed in the casino?

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:33

I don't think stealing is right at all. I guess I'm just at a slight loss right now and musing over what to do as I expected him to confess all and I'd hand it over and we'd discuss. But it hasnt happened like that....

I'm seriously sleep deprived too which is clearly altering my judgment.

OP posts:
lmer · 21/07/2017 22:33

I think you both need to sit down and talk like Adults- although you come across as a little controlling tbh

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:34

But why isn't he allowed to gamble?

HeyRoly · 21/07/2017 22:35

I think you need to tell him you found the cash, and then rip him a new arsehole for leaving the front door open, being so drunk he thinks he lost £700, and for lying to you (even his attempt to hide the cash is lying to you).

Spent the money on something that benefits the family. And obviously work on re-establishing the trust around his gambling issues.

Migraleve · 21/07/2017 22:35

I expected him to confess all and I'd hand it over and we'd discuss.

But you didn't think to bring it up?

Sounds like you have communication problems

elessar · 21/07/2017 22:36

Erm no, you can't steal from him.

And 'not allowed'? Are you his partner or his mother?

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:36

Heyroly I'm with you right up to the gambling issues part - where does it say this?

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:36

Sorry should have been clearer in OP. The casino ban is self enforced - was in place before we met. I've never told him not go - he has asked me to support him/encourage him not to.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 21/07/2017 22:37

Tell you found the cash, your cross as he promised and that you want to use it on a holiday so you all profit from it...

There is no point in over playing your anger as you have left it too late, and he will say you took the cash, so he has a come back...

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:37

That's the complete opposite of what you said in your OP

skyzumarubble · 21/07/2017 22:38

Could he have been that pissed that he doesn't know he won it?

Think it warrants a discussion, and then he needs to spend half on something for you!

HeyRoly · 21/07/2017 22:38

I'm with you right up to the gambling issues part - where does it say this?

Well, isn't it safe to assume that a man who "isn't supposed to visit casinos" has a gambling problem? I took that part as obvious.

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:38

As in Long story short, DP is not supposed to visit the casino....he used to do it yrs ago - not often, usually if on a particularly boozy night. When we had DC1 5 yrs ago he agreed he wouldn't do it again

This doesn't say to me that it's self imposed or that he did it before he met you

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:39

HeyRoly it says he visited but not often, that would not imply to me he had a gambling problem

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:39

Migraleve we don't typically have communication problems - although I understand why you might point this out. We have an 8wk old - kind of gets in the way of immediately confronting issues.

OP posts:
fruitbats · 21/07/2017 22:45

You said you both agreed to the casino ban when you had DC1 5 years ago, then you said the ban was in place before you met Confused

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:46

Not sure why posters are quoting "not allowed".
Never stated that in my post.

Stick - after having DC1 is when he said that if he did go to casino I had free rein to have a go at him and we agreed together that he just shouldn't go, he stands to lose too much etc etc....and beats himself up about afterwards.

OP posts:
Migraleve · 21/07/2017 22:47

Not supposed to = not allowed

StickThatInYourPipe · 21/07/2017 22:50

Mmm I'm not sure where I stand on this, I think you sound quite controlling especially after using their term 'naughty tax' against a grown adult

I equally think he's being a prick for coming home too smashed to be able to close the door especially having an 8week old

ClopySow · 21/07/2017 22:51

I think the best thing to do is send the money to me. It's to tainted for either of you to enjoy.

Original poster
fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:56

Ok, let me clarify.

DP used to go to casinos, then 'banned himself'.
Met me, told me this...
There were occasional breaches of his own ban, by his own admission.
We had DC1...he felt incredibly guilty if he went to casino (once maybe twice a yr - not a major problem) so we chatted and we agreed he should try not to.

Sorry if that's dripfeed...obviously could have expressed this better in my OP.

Can't stress enough, I'm not controlling of him at all. Although clearly withholding his own money from him which I am presently doing is completely at odds with that - but it's a very new (and not permanent) development!!

OP posts:
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