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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to steal his gambling winnings....(he's not supposed to gamble!)

46 replies

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 22:24

Long story short, DP is not supposed to visit the casino....he used to do it yrs ago - not often, usually if on a particularly boozy night. When we had DC1 5 yrs ago he agreed he wouldn't do it again.

(We have our own accts and joint accts into which most of our salaries go - we both have full visibility and control over these so I'm confident he's not been maintaining a gambling habit and squandering our cash).

Last night he was out, rolled home totally plastered at around 2. I was awake with 8 wk old DC2 - not amused. He went to the spare room and didn't emerge until 11 today - was "working from home" .

On getting downstairs this morning I discover front door not shut properly (furious about that) and a trail of food mess in kitchen. He was clearly very worse for wear. I also discover a really crap attempt to hide a wad of cash in £50 notes (£700) in a casino envelope inside a book - which he's forgotten to place back into shelf!!

I took the cash, hid it and put book back. DP has not mentioned it at all today! He's been v hungover and sheepish. When I asked him about last night he talked about the bar they'd been to, who was out....no mention of casino. I suspect he thinks he lost the cash in his drunken state and is full of shame.

AIBU to keep the cash? Naughty tax? Serves him right/teach him a lesson etc?

But I feel like it's dirty money and dishonest, making me no better than him and it's probably more important to have it out with him. WWYD???

OP posts:

PortiaFinis · 21/07/2017 22:57

I don't think you sound controlling.

The way I read it you're rightfully pissed off about the mess, the door being left open etc.

And then really pissed off and confused about him not telling you about the casino - both the not telling bit and the casino bit would really piss me off too. If he had a self-imposed ban then it would also worry me.

You don't know what to do about it, you're knackered and you asked whether you were being unreasonable to keep it. Which I think is kind of a reasonable question to ask when faced with all that on top of everything else but I think you would be unreasonable to keep it without telling him as that is increasing the secrecy in your marriage and that's never a good thing.

I would tell him you'be found it and then let him explain the rest.

Are you worried that it was winnings that might encouraged further gambling?

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 23:01

Clopy......it's yours.

OP posts:

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 23:07

Portia...yes I think deep down there is probably a concern there about whether it's a one off or is a bigger gambling issue rearing its head. Probably that's what I need to tell him, ask him what he thinks...

Even though he was a drunken fool last night, I actually hate the thought that I've been complicit in his feeling crap today by taking the money and saying nothing. He's downstairs with baby, and whilst it's not the right time of day for a discussion, think I'll have to go down now and at least just let him know I have the money.

OP posts:

ClopySow · 21/07/2017 23:08

Superb! Can't believe no-one else got in there first.

For what it's worth, i reckon you should just say "oi! Boozy gambler! No more casinos! But what are we gonna do with the moolah"
And get some cool shit that you couldn't have afforded otherwise.

Or send it to me. Whatever works best.

ClopySow · 21/07/2017 23:12

Look, hiding the money and him feeling really shitty has probably done him a favour imprinted it on his brain and he won't do it again in a hurry.
He doesn't sound like he has a gambling problem, it just sounds like he got a bit too pissed and stupid.

pynk · 21/07/2017 23:12

I don't think you sound controlling at all. I'd be irritated with him and I think I'd have hidden the money away too. - I don't think hiding the money is a mature way of dealing with it but I can absolutely see why you did it. I think I'd own up to having it and have a chat about him lying. That's not ok.

Hope it all gets sorted.

2017SoFarSoGood · 21/07/2017 23:14

good call OP you would not get any sleep with this on your mind. Hope the conversation goes well, and that it is a one off.

Then send on the money; I've pm'd you the details

FreeButtonBee · 21/07/2017 23:17

Clopy has it

You've made him suffer a bit which he probably deserves but it's once in 5 yrs so you should probably give him a (metaphorical!) clipnround the ear and tell him he has to spend it all on you, the gorgeous patient amazing mother of his children.

HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2017 23:17

I like your style - hiding the cash and putting the book back is brilliant.

He's been a dick and he knows it.

I think I'd wait until he recovers and then calmly put the money down in front of him. Then decide what to spend it on or whether to save it while he's still feeling guilty.

I would be more worried about his total lack of self control around drinking than the visiting casinos thing. What sort of self centred selfish irresponsible man goes out till all hours, gets plastered, goes gambling and leaves the front door open while his wife is home with an 8 week old baby?

Beeziekn33ze · 21/07/2017 23:24

When you're ready tell him you're concerned about his drinking and gambling. He sounds like a man who wants to get these things under control himself. Maybe you can sort something between you, maybe he should see your gp and ask to be referred for counselling.

The £700 could go a long way towards a treat for you all. A weekend break or something you'd like for your home, perhaps. In my experience an addiction like this, even if DH only gives in to it occasionally, can make him feel guilty and a failure and damage your family life. Is he stressed at work so driven to behaviour which will blot reality out for a while. Hoping things work out for you.

Neverknowing · 21/07/2017 23:24

Talk to him but I think you should keep it as payment for looking after his children while he's out getting drunk etc. Plus he left the door open you could have been robbed with young children in the house. That's pretty scary.
Spend the money on a spa day for you while he looks after the kids. Stay in bed till eleven the next day and make sure he cleans up any mess you leave

RockyBird · 21/07/2017 23:31

Keep the money.

My brother rolled home with £3,000 in chips after a drunk casino visit. He'd no idea how he won them but no more money than usual night out money had gone from the account (SIL checked).

PortiaFinis · 21/07/2017 23:35

Hope it goes well OP, I like Clopy'sway of dealing with it - Upfront but not likely to make him defensive or make a big deal out of it.

Rocky I hope they had a brilliant time with that, what an amazing hangover

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 23:38

Liking the ideas on how to spend the money .

But on a serious note, I will talk to him about how he is dealing with stress. Thinking about it, he took on a new role at work right after paternity leave so job/new baby could be a contributing factor.

Thanks for the views/advice MNers - much needed in the delirium of having a newborn....

OP posts:

RockyBird · 21/07/2017 23:40

I went to visit (they're abroad) and the chips were piled up in the pantry. It was a work's Xmas night out. The laugh was SIL was alerted to him coming home as she could hear him arguing with the taxi driver about the fare. We all love him but he is a menace with a drink in.

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 23:41

rocky - there's probably some good 'The Hangover' style CCTV footage of your brothers night out somewhere...

OP posts:

Original poster

fassbendersmistress · 21/07/2017 23:46

Rocky I think your brother and my DP are one and the same. He got in an argument once, in his youth, with a taxi driver over one bloody quid ...it ended when a neighbour opened a window and threw a pound coin at him "I'll give you the bloody quid if it'll shut you up"...

OP posts:

Nameynamechangeforthis · 22/07/2017 00:06

Don't be too swayed by the fact that he came home with 700 quid.. he could just as easily have lost 700 quid, how would you feel then?

How much did he buy in with to win that 700? For all you know he lost £1000, withdrew more and finally ended up with 700... don't assume that 700 is all profit.

2nd, 'big wins' are a major trigger for gambling addiction. If he's predisposed to having a problem with gambling then now is a time that he needs to be extra cautious. The next time the opportunity presents he might be thinking how easy it would be to win a large sum.

What does your husband like to play? Blackjack? Slots? Winning 700 on BJ means he must be playing large hands... £50? £100? Per hand... that can go south very quickly.

You need more facts about the above but I wouldn't be too forgiving just because he's come home with a decent sum.

justilou · 22/07/2017 02:27

If he was that shitfaced when he got home, there is a very likely possibility that he had no idea what he did with the money. He left the door open, so perhaps he "lost" it. I would be asking to see how much money he withdrew from his bank account last night before deciding whether the £700 was a win or not. Certainly wouldn't be keeping him in the loop about it either!!!

Mrspenfold123 · 02/01/2018 18:41

If he problem-gambled historically, this needs handling very carefully.

I've seen many problem gamblers and the relapse always begins with a win.

If he is at risk, you absolutely don't spend the money on a treat. That is the psychological reward that can ice the slope.

You should kill his buzz from winning and chew him out.

Incidentally, imagine he'd lost. Ironically the best reaction is the opposite. Kindness and understanding. And well done for quitting. Then calmly work out how to remove the gambling triggers/access.

What happens in a compulsive gambler's mind after they've lost more than their pain threshold is beyond their control in the moment. But they are emotionally not going to feel much worse in the short term if they lose more and they will feel tremendously better if they win it back. A spouse getting hugely angry at a small loss and spending a win on treats is the worst fuel for that feeling. A spouse who is neutral at a loss and very cross at a win will provide better psychological drivers to prevent damaging behaviour.

Show him the money - talk to him and get him to agree to donate all of it to gamcare.

colly32 · 06/02/2020 13:29

This reply has been deleted

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