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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this level of scrutiny and control in my parents is crazy

55 replies

Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:06

I moved out of my parents house at 18. Never lived there since but I go back regularly.

They've always been strict and controlled what I did but now I'm almost 30 it's becoming absurd.

So a few examples within the last few days:

I bought a new deodorant and my parents kept commenting that they didn't want me using it in the house as it makes a 'horrible scented smell'.

There's no privacy. I have no lock on my door. My parents will knock once and if I don't answer will just come in anyway. This upsets mess I feel it means a lack of privacy for me.

I have nail varnish on and my dad explains that he doesn't see he point of nail varnish as it looks ugly

I am on strict instructions that I mustn't charge my phone overnight as it's dangerous. I can't go downstairs after 11 o clock as my Dad has 'prepared the house for the night'.

My Dad can't get to sleep when there's noise so I can't make noise after 11pm.

I don't wear make up as my parents hate how it looks and while they don't comment on it you can just see them staring in disgust.

They love me and I do miss them when I'm away but they are very set in their waves and it feels like anything remotely different they comment on negatively.

AIBU to think these examples sound controlling?

OP posts:
ChicRock · 21/07/2017 22:08

What's absurd is that you keep going back to stay there for more of the same Hmm

IStoleDipsysHat · 21/07/2017 22:08

Yes. You say you don't live there and only go back for visits. Stop staying with them. If they live far enough away that you need somewhere to stay, book into a hotel so you can go back to your own space each night.

Original poster
Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:09

I have a son who is challenging. The only way I cope is to go back and get help with him.

I have overactive thyroid that makes me feel like I'm on deaths foot some days. So I don't have much choice.

Also, my son adores my parents so don't want to deprive him from seeing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:10

Door not foot.

I'd love to be able to afford a hotel. I'm absolutely skint so not chance of that...sadly.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 21/07/2017 22:11

So, if you don't use perfumed stuff, other people's can seem overwhelming.

No noise after 11 seems totally reasonable to me, also don't charge phone overnight. If that was something that worried me, then I wouldn't want a visitor to do it either.

The rest, well, fairly normal for a certain kind of parent, really.

Original poster
Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:11

I've learnt to accept it now. I've had it my whole life but I had hoped it would get better once I got to my late twenties. No chance.

So AIBU to think they're controlling??

OP posts:
poweredbybread · 21/07/2017 22:12

OMG get out while you can. A tent on the side of a dual carriageway would be better. Grin

Justhadmyhaircut · 21/07/2017 22:13

Can they have your ds without you there? Sounds like the benefit of their help is not worth the extra anxiety they give you tbh. .

Tootsiepops · 21/07/2017 22:13

I don't think the examples you have given sound that controlling. A bit annoying, yes but nothing that out of the ordinary I also ban stinky deodorant in our house

Original poster
Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:13

For me it would. Not for my son.

He loves them. I put up with it for them. I remember being the happiest child alive until puberty. They're good parents until around 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:14

This is the first time I've ever sprayed deodorant in their house as I always use roll on.

It's only
The dove original one. Not LYNX!

OP posts:
Gazelda · 21/07/2017 22:15

It sounds as though they've always been this way. And it seems that they've not acknowledged that you're an adult and parent now. This may be being reinforce by your frequent visits for help.

I think that if you still need their support with your DS, then you have to accept their house rules.

That's not so say I'd refrain from wearing make up for example, but tell them lightly that your an adult, you enjoy wearing makeup and ask them to accept it.

Some things are worth compromising on (spray deodorant) and others are worth standing up for, remind them that your an adult that makes your own choices which don't harm other people.

Out2pasture · 21/07/2017 22:18

OP you sound very immature for your age. Nothing unreasonable about telling family/guests no noise after 11pm. Telling you they don't like your make up choice including nail polish is not controlling it's telling you their opinion.

ChicRock · 21/07/2017 22:22

No I don't think they sound controlling at all actually...

Deodorant - see the many threads on here about sharing space with people who smell strongly - whether that's perfume, deodorant or BO.

No lock on the door - my parents don't have locks on any doors in their home. I think you're forgetting its their home. Buy a wedge to put under the door when you stay there if it bothers you - or ya know, stay in a hotel Hmm

I have nail varnish on and my dad explains that he doesn't see he point of nail varnish as it looks ugly - nod, make a vague "hmm" noise and ignore.

We don't leave phone chargers on unattended overnight.

No noise after 11pm is reasonable. Especially as you expect your parents to help out with your child. Fair enough that they want a decent nights sleep. If it bothers you - again, stay in a hotel Hmm

I don't wear make up as my parents hate how it looks and while they don't comment on it you can just see them staring in disgust - the important part here being they don't comment. So it's likely it's all in your head.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 21/07/2017 22:27

I agree about 'no noise after 11pm' but to restrict people going downstairs because 'they have prepared the house for the night' makes it seem like they have everything alarmed and booby-trapped!

  1. Just use a roll on deodorant when staying with them.
  2. Ignore the looks and comments about nail varnish and make-up; they're are voicing their opinion.
  3. TELL them to wait until invited in when they knock on the door; their house or not, you simply don't walk into a guest's room uninvited. If they refuse or simply 'forget', barricade the door with something!

You can't stay in a hotel, you need help with your son, he loves them dearly and it is reciprocated so clearly you have no choice but to 'shut up and put up'. Try the above.
YANBU for feeling 'controlled' if that's how it makes you feel. But what else can you do if you NEED them so much?

AuroraBora · 21/07/2017 22:35

Seriously what is it on here tonight with everyone nit picking at every detail of the OP and not reading any follow up posts?!?

The OP has stated she is skint and can't afford a hotel.

As an adult is is unreasonable for her parents to criticise her choice of deodorant, make up, nail varnish etc. In the real world no adult does this to another adult.

One knock and then walking into her room is also unacceptable. We don't have locks in our house but I don't barge in on people just because it's my home, it's rude!

YANBU OP. I don't necessarily think they're controlling from what you've said, but maybe you should start standing up to them a little. Do you think part of it is that they're just set in their ways?

Witchend · 21/07/2017 22:37

It doesn't sound controlling.
No noise after 11pm is fair enough-do you really feel it necessary. My parents have an alarm that goes on when the last people go to bed, and it beeps noisily while being set, so that applies at my parents house.
I have a certain sympathy with the deodorant-can really catch the back of my throat and I don't have asthma or anything.
I've only known one bedroom door outside a hotel have a lock on-and that was because it squeaked in the wind in an old house.
No chargers on overnight is advice from the fire service and very sensible.

The only thing I think is UR from what you've said is the knock once and come in-but have you said "do you think, dad you could wait until I say come in. I don't want you to come in and find I'm in the middle of changing a tampon!"
But at the same time, how long does it take you to answer? Or do you wear headphones and not hear the knock.
That'll be habit as much as anything, and if you ask nicely then they may realise and stop doing it.

kittybiscuits · 21/07/2017 22:42

I don't know what some of these posters are on. Their behaviour is strange, controlling, inappropriate and inflexible. I think you have to start finding solutions to your parenting challenges that do not involve staying with your parents. If you want your son to see them, you should see them on neutral ground and disengage when they behave inappropriately.

Migraleve · 21/07/2017 22:43

They are not controlling. They are laying down some house rules. Perfectly acceptable to say no noise late on, definitely right to say no charging phones overnight

kittybiscuits · 21/07/2017 22:54

Telling someone what make up to wear and what toiletries they can and can't use, that they may not go down after 11pm, one knock then enter. Oh yes - it's all normal of course. It is goady fucker night on MN for sure. I would avoid posting on a Friday night/Saturday morning OP. It's goady fuckers party territory.

notangelinajolie · 21/07/2017 23:01

Nope, they just sound like parents and you sound like an immature teenager. Expressing an opinion about nail varnish is not controlling - controlling would be if they went out and bought nail varnish remover and forced you to remove it. And no, it is not unreasonable to ask for quiet after 11 - their house their rules.

crazyhairdontcare · 21/07/2017 23:02

Meh. Doesn't sound controlling so much as a little kooky. Which let's face it, most parents are to a certain degree. Mine never let me watch Grange Hill as they thought I would become a rebel. Or would freak out if I touched the grooves on a CD. Or leave a light on for five seconds longer than absolutely necessary. To be honest, I laugh about their strange little ways now.
Their house, their rules. It's a non issue now you've moved out. It's your choice to go and stay there after all.

Notreallybarbie1 · 21/07/2017 23:17

I think it's incredibly controlling. I would really try to minimise staying there - although I appreciate this may be easier said than done.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 23:17

how bizarre to comment on your choice of Dove deodorant fragrance being too strong and to think nail varnish is a waste of time...

how very very odd x

WeAllHaveWings · 21/07/2017 23:21

Most of them sound like my mum and dad used to be. All pretty normal parent things, bet I'm the same when Ds is an adult and staying over.