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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this level of scrutiny and control in my parents is crazy

55 replies

Almosttt30 · 21/07/2017 22:06

I moved out of my parents house at 18. Never lived there since but I go back regularly.

They've always been strict and controlled what I did but now I'm almost 30 it's becoming absurd.

So a few examples within the last few days:

I bought a new deodorant and my parents kept commenting that they didn't want me using it in the house as it makes a 'horrible scented smell'.

There's no privacy. I have no lock on my door. My parents will knock once and if I don't answer will just come in anyway. This upsets mess I feel it means a lack of privacy for me.

I have nail varnish on and my dad explains that he doesn't see he point of nail varnish as it looks ugly

I am on strict instructions that I mustn't charge my phone overnight as it's dangerous. I can't go downstairs after 11 o clock as my Dad has 'prepared the house for the night'.

My Dad can't get to sleep when there's noise so I can't make noise after 11pm.

I don't wear make up as my parents hate how it looks and while they don't comment on it you can just see them staring in disgust.

They love me and I do miss them when I'm away but they are very set in their waves and it feels like anything remotely different they comment on negatively.

AIBU to think these examples sound controlling?

OP posts:
MrsPorth · 21/07/2017 23:24

I think they're eccentric and impolite, but not controlling.

MrsCalculator · 21/07/2017 23:25

I have a certain sympathy with the deodorant-can really catch the back of my throat and I don't have asthma or anything

Me too. DH can spray it on in the next room and it makes me cough. Very uncomfortable until the particles disperse. Also the overnight phone charging bothers me. I'd probably ban DD from doing that when she stays over, but she was the one who told me I shouldn't do it. All the rest seems irritating rather than controlling.

Having had a 'challenging' child myself (in this case, SN) and no relatives to help at all I think I'd put up with mildly irritating behaviour for the sake of getting a bit of support now and again.

Walking into the bedroom uninvited definitely needs sorting though, but even that's not 'controlling', just a bit thoughtless.
So not controlling. A bit set in their ways.

PickAChew · 21/07/2017 23:27

Do they really help you with your DS or have they convinced you that you can't possibly manage without them?

I have 2 challenging (as in severe SN challenging) DSs and my parents and MIL most definitely can't handle them any better than I can. DF worked in a youth remand centre and got otherwise chaotic young men to develop useful skills and self esteem but is at a loss with mine.

PickAChew · 21/07/2017 23:28

Agree about smelly sprays, mind. They make me cough uncontrollably.

GoldenFleck · 21/07/2017 23:31

Nahh they are not controlling. They are just being your parents as they have always been and have house routines that they probably started before you were born and feel comfortable with.

The lack of privacy is the only issue on your list which I think wouldn't be unreasonable to address with them. For instance, how terrible it would be if they walked in and you were changing your clothes. I think it would be potentially disrespectful to challenge the others and they all sound like issues you could adapt to to keep their stress levels down especially if they are set in their ways as you say. Yes they peck at you a little bit (like the nail varnish) but learn to shrug it off especially given that you don't live there. They don't sound like major pecks they aren't criticising anything important such as your job/parenting style/life choices so be careful not to overact.

Remember it's their house so their house rules.

HorridHenrietta23 · 21/07/2017 23:33

The thing is op that they have certain rules in their house.
If you need them to help you parent your child then you're going to have to grit your teeth and deal with their rules for a little while.
The alternative is that you learn to stand on your own two feet, parent your own child and then you get your freedom.
In what way is your child challenging? Could you get help and advice to enable you to cope better?
Eg if ASD then have you had training in parenting strategies that may help.
I'm not being flippant, I realise that parenting a challenging child is exhausting however, the choice is yours really.
They sound set in their ways more than controlling.

Funnyonion17 · 21/07/2017 23:37

Sorry but dove spray absolutely stinks, it's sickly strong. I doubt it's about control with that, it really does knock some people sick. Also most Dad's don't understand nail varnish and as for makeup, it's not like they are saying anything. It more sounds like your past teenage memories of struggling with them are making you touchy tbh.

Orite they shouldn't interfere, but many parents make comments in passing out of habit. Just stand up to them or ignore it

SittingAround1 · 21/07/2017 23:39

They sound very annoying. They are also unlikely to change.
It's their house their rules though for when you're staying.
I'd work out how long you can stand staying for and stick with that.
I agree with a PP could you leave your DC there without you?

ILoveDolly · 21/07/2017 23:43

My mum has some batshit ideas about what should happen in her house. When I stay I adhere to certain of these, other things I tell her I disagree with and we come to compromise. I find my mum controlling and totally unable to accept certain things I consider ordinary, but now I'm an adult I will just not agree to be controlled. Just do it anyway. The make up thing is a case in pointm

Pemba · 21/07/2017 23:55

They do sound a bit controlling, yes. Would they treat another adult in this way? You are their daughter, but they should respect that you're an adult now.

I suppose it could be argued that the rules about no noise after 11 etc, are simply their house rules which you should respect as their guest (but a bit batshit). The thing about not charging your mobiles at night - I used to worry about that, but an electrical engineer has told me it's nonsense that that's dangerous.

The barging into your room is particularly disrespectful. I have always knocked on DD's door and waited for an answer since she was about 8. Because I know that older children are entitled to their privacy, let alone a 30 year old!

milliemolliemou · 21/07/2017 23:55

OP - locks on doors? like other PPs I don't know of many homes with locks in bedrooms (or old houses like mine with locks disused). Going to bed at 11 doesn't sound bad if that's what they usually do and they are helping you with your DC. Buy a door block so you're not caught unawares or just say can you not come in until I reply. Agree with not charging phone overnight though it's a pain - they can cause fires especially if on carpets/beds. I agree they sound pretty strict, but they're also doing you a favour and you love them as does your DC. And when your DF comments on nail varnish or whatever, just tell him it's what you like. Present yourself as an adult and they'll probably respond.

MsLexicon · 21/07/2017 23:55

No sorry they sound weird and utterly judgemental and narrow minded- I would probably have a fit and put on Iggy Pop and go out in a short tight skirt smoking a joint.

kittybiscuits · 21/07/2017 23:56

And don't leave your DCs there with them. Just don't.

quizqueen · 22/07/2017 00:09

Nail varnish is a waste of time and money and, unless perfectly applied and maintained, looks tacky and I hate strong smelling scents too!!! My younger daughter came home for a couple of years after a failed relationship and I had to stop her using one of those plug in room diffusers in her bedroom as the smell made me heave.

GardenGeek · 22/07/2017 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lynnm63 · 22/07/2017 00:41

Deodorant is fair enough. My dh is very sensitive to some perfumes maybe your dad is too. The other things are his opinion, so he doesn't like nail varnish next time he says something just laugh and say bang goes my present for your next birthday dad. My dc are teens and all live at home obviously! I knock, count to three and enter. I see your parent do this too, have you told them it bothers you? What is it that bothers you about this?
Imo they're doing you a favour so you either suck it up or stop going to stay for help with your ds. Could your son stay without you?

Salmotrutta · 22/07/2017 01:07

Well you have a choice OP - don't stay with them if you don't want to conform to their house rules.

It really doesn't matter what you think of those rules - its their house.

As harsh at it might sound, that's a fact.

And if you flip the coin regarding the viewcpoint of "I left home at 18 blah, blah" - they could say "My DC left our house 12 years ago but when she comes to stay she thinks we are unreasonable to want the house locked up at 11pm and not want smelly sprays around the house" etc etc etc.

Postagestamppat · 22/07/2017 02:07

The house rules sound fair enough. It's their house and you need to respect their way of doing things. They do sound judgemental and a bit rude. My mum is like this. It bothered me but was ignoreable until I had dd. Now I watch and react to her comments like a hawk. I have also noticed that she is getting worse with age. Not an ageist comment, but I believe the brain changes so that people can become more inflexible as they get older.

If I were you, I'd practise ways of politely but firmly standing up to them for your son's sake.

ChangeCat · 22/07/2017 08:20

My parents are similar though have mellowed a bit in their 70s. But they have lots of little rules and don't like make up or spray deodorant either!

It's no big deal. I can live without make-up, perfume, spray deodorant and late nights for a few days.

PaintingByNumbers · 22/07/2017 08:25

That doesn't sound too bad to be honest, maybe you have convinced yourself you are dependent on them for help so its like reverting to being/feeling like a teenager? (Spray on deodorant is gross)

Waybalooloo · 22/07/2017 08:31

My parents set rules like this and then when I moved out kept coming in and setting rules in my own place! They used to tell my husband what to wear and go through all the drawers and demand we tidied up on a Saturday. Bonkers!

kittybiscuits · 22/07/2017 09:15

'smell sprays around the house' = wear deodorant

'lock the house up at 11pm' = OP is not allowed to go downstairs

Awesome minimising!

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 22/07/2017 09:35

In isolation, something like the 11pm curfew is an understandable house rule, or having difficulty with a spray, but as a package combined with unnecessary nit picking over make-up and nail varnish that has no negative impact on them, creating a claustrophobic atmosphere.

As alternative accommodation isn't a viable option to you, it's your choice over whether you get more benefit by having the support and by abiding by their rules or risk an upset by challenging some of them.

footballmum · 22/07/2017 10:00

Yes they sound really controlling but it also sounds like you aren't prepared to do anything about it so not really sure what you're looking for here?

Mumzypopz · 22/07/2017 10:12

I don't see anything wrong with what they are asking. If my daughter left and came back to visit as an adult, I would ask her not to charge her phone at night and no noise after 11. I think you are being slightly rude wanting to be up and about after they have gone to bed and trying to sleep?!