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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much would you need to SAH?

60 replies

Realitysandwich1 · 21/07/2017 21:10

Contemplating being a SAHP - AIBU?
Specifically: how much would you need to have coming into the house each month after the mortgage was paid every month to feel you lived a comfortable life and insured from reasonable shocks?

We'd be losing in the region of £1,300 pm post all tax and costs now and by the time the nursery gets cheaper/2nd dc at school more like £2000 plus pension, benefits, earning potential.

I've been a ft working parent for 7 years and it's felt like a long slog. One primary age is insecure and unconfident, hates all the childcare she has and we've tried a lot and the one at nursery doesn't talk nearly enough or very well to my mind.

I'd asked previously about part time and been told no so assuming that is not in the choice set.

OP posts:
HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 21/07/2017 22:00

Is there such a thing as a not-so niche, but part-time software job?

It would be a big loss to your earning potential, but you would be consolidating (?) that of your child's for the future.
My situation is a bit different, for his mental health it is not an option for him to be in childcare, and I never really had a job so we didn't have a salary to miss, although the intention was always that I would find one when the DC were weaned!

We don't do extravagant holidays or expensive trips out. Picnics and walks. We haven't eaten out in several years. Etc etc. You. Do with what you have. But you have to be willing to change the mindset and economise.

Shenanagins · 21/07/2017 22:03

Have you looked into the possibility of working from home and combining with condensed hours to give you more time at home?

Ecureuil · 21/07/2017 22:04

I'm not suited to staying at home all the time. I could probably afford to I really wanted to

Yeah, you have to be dull, unambitious and happy to potter around dusting picture frames and to give up all independence to be a SAHM, dont ya know? 😉

DH works 40 hours a week. Did the same hours when he earned 20k as he does now he earns 85k. So asking him how many hours he is willing to work so that I 'don't have to' would be pretty pointless.
FWIW I've been a SAHM since DD1 (3.5) was born. I've also continued studying, retained membership of my professional body and continued paying into my private pension in that time.

mygorgeousmilo · 21/07/2017 22:05

2100 after mortgage is definitely doable. I was a SAHM but my husband and I have been able to juggle since the youngest started school so that one parent is at home on various/alternating days of the week. I genuinely believe this was the best thing for our family, having a parent with them after school etc. Especially when dealing with the emotional side of things. You become quite savvy at keeping household finances down when you actually have time to go over them, too.

whatdoessheknow · 21/07/2017 22:05

Do it OP. Sounds as if you know what you need to do and your DC will thrive as a result. You can only spread yourself so thinly before something has to give. The early years are vital and you only get one shot. Good luck!

BamburyFuriou3 · 21/07/2017 22:06

Blimey at some of these answers! I'm s SAHM and we need £1200 coming in every month to cover everything - all bills and mortgage and music lessons etc - everything! Ok so we don't eat out often, or do foreign holidays, but we have a nice life and don't scrimp on food or heating.

It's a piece of string question. Personally I feel my children need me at home. I'm lucky in that my profession is having a recruitment and retention crisis so I'm fairly confident of getting back in if I want in a few years!

redphonebox · 21/07/2017 22:07

I know nothing about software so forgive me if this is a bit naive, but could you not move into a more general IT role? Even if it were lower paid? Or IT project management? Every office I've worked in has had an IT team, some of whom have been part time.

Not saying you shouldn't just quit work altogether, just trying to think of different options.

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 21/07/2017 22:07

What about being honest and discussing options with your current employer? I need to do this for the sake of my DC...
They might prefer to have someone part time or who they can call for the odd job than to train someone up to replace you.

Cookiesandcake · 21/07/2017 22:13

We get 1200 a month that's it and we manage rent car bills etc. And that's our entire income, not spare money lol

BamburyFuriou3 · 21/07/2017 22:15

Cookies - same here!

Shenanagins · 21/07/2017 22:18

Just reread your last post and I note that your oh is equally concerned about your children yet isn't prepared to alter his job so that maybe he could be at home more with the kids which doesn't strike me as being very fair.

Maybe he could get a role that would free up some of his time to be at home more? Would that be a possibility for consideration?

Butterymuffin · 21/07/2017 22:18

As Hare says, talk to your employer. They may be more willing to look at pt if it's that or you go altogether. And could you set up as self employed doing what you do and only take on limited amounts of work?

You said your DH works crazy hours and has wanted to ask you to SAH for a while. Is there really no way he could be around more? And will you end up taking on extra house admin from him if you give up paid work?

2rebecca · 21/07/2017 22:42

My kids are now at and about to start uni so my salary is important to them. As you kids get older that sort of thing is important rather than a mum who hangs around the house, plus what is the point of giving up a good job to help your daughter with her homework to set her the example that women should then stop work when they have kids and help their kids with their homework?
Both parents reducing their hours and equally parenting is a better example

SerfTerf · 21/07/2017 22:47

small children become boring if you are with them a lot.

IYO Smile

NataliaOsipova · 21/07/2017 22:51

As you kids get older that sort of thing is important rather than a mum who hangs around the house, plus what is the point of giving up a good job to help your daughter with her homework to set her the example that women should then stop work when they have kids and help their kids with their homework?

Personally, I hang around the house obsessively perfecting my sentence construction. And pondering the point of having a "good job" which would mean I got to spend very little time with my children when we have more than enough money. But each to her own and all that....

Original poster
Realitysandwich1 · 21/07/2017 23:03

Funnily enough, wanting to set a good example to my 2 dds is why I've trudged on for 7 years despite things not being quite right hoping it'll be alright in the end but that point isn't anywhere in sight.

Plenty of people say my kids are fine, but they don't seem fine to me - I had to physically haul my elder dd in the door of holiday club a few weeks back, shut the door and scarper. This isn't a one off, she's regularly found under the bed or hiding at school time and the issue is always the length of time until she sees me again.

OP posts:
Ellypoo · 21/07/2017 23:20

Personally I couldn't be a sahp either - not about thinking sahp's are dull or unambitious, it just doesn't suit me or my personality - not a judgement, just wouldn't work for me.

Ellypoo · 21/07/2017 23:26

Sorry, clicked the wrong button, but that was replying to Ecureuil's post.

I am a single Mum, but work full-time in quite a demanding, stressful job although I am lucky to be able to be in a position to manage my own work-load, time-table and can work flexibly.

MyCalmX · 21/07/2017 23:37

Well done Natalie on proving how smart you think you are Hmm

If my dc were truly suffering then I'd find a solution. If it meant there needed to be a sahp then dh and I would decide but likely we'd both continue working in pt capacity.

The pp who mentioned her dh earn 85k that's a lot but less than 2 people earning 40/45k each which is something to consider.

I work in tech and if you're software I honestly think you'll struggle with a few years out to get back in.

Ecureuil · 22/07/2017 07:38

The pp who mentioned her dh earn 85k that's a lot but less than 2 people earning 40/45k each which is something to consider

Of course. But we also have two pre schoolers and currently no childcare fees. If I was working in my old industry I'd need 2 full time nursery places.
I don't think there is a particular 'personality' that suits staying at home. I had a high paying, stressful career pre DC. Post grad qualifications. I'll go back to that after they start school, and have kept up to speed with my industry while being at home.

Original poster
Realitysandwich1 · 22/07/2017 07:41

Thanks for all the responses, I'm going to dig through oir statements and consider an approach to my boss.

The fact that I'd be looking at returning to minimum wage jobs is the other part of what's held me back - but the older I get I see plenty of intelligent people who've chosen these paths to maximise their non work times.

OP posts:
WLmum · 22/07/2017 08:00

In answer to those concerns about working to set a good example to your kids - as an unqualified statement, yes I agree. However, staying in a job that makes you (or your dc) suffer regardless is not a good example of being flexible in your thinking and of putting wellbeing above finance. I believe that we should be role modelling options, choices and the bravery to do what's right for you as an individual regardless of what the norm is or what others are doing.

pandapop17 · 22/07/2017 08:06

Totally doable if you don't mind going without luxuries. DP is stay at home parent and I work full time. I only earn £1900 a month and we manage. It's worth it whilst the children are young. We don't have much disposable income. When the kids are both at school DP will look for work, probably only part time.

Original poster
Realitysandwich1 · 22/07/2017 08:08

I've seen this WL so far the elder dd has noticed that working a lot makes you tired and grumpy, and you get shoved in holiday clubs and childcare a lot which she hates. I'm always being asked about why several of her friends can afford a SAHP and we can't (picked up by their daddy every day etc). It's possibly more important that I have a plan to get back into work when they go to secondary so they see me working then.

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 22/07/2017 08:16

It's a very difficult thing to give up financial independence. My DP brings home about £85k, after mortgage is paid that's around £3500 a month. I have two credit cards that he pays for and he never moans about what I put on them HOWEVER I put myself under huge pressure to not rack up bills. So generally I shop at charity shops for my clothes and get a lot of the kids stuff second hand.

Ideally I would like to go back to working for myself when the kids get past this baby stage. Then I can decide what I want my money to go on without any guilt.