to wish my friend would stop moaning about how skint she is when she is working full-time and not paying childcare costs??

[Ceebee74]

My friend had a baby a month after me - we both went back to work at about the same time. I went back 3 days a week and my Ds is in nursery so obviously the reduction in pay and paying out child-care costs has had a dramatic effect on our finances and we have had to make sacrifices to do this.

My friend is back full-time (has negotiated 1 day a week to work from home) and is not paying out childcare costs (has family to do it)

I admit I moan about having no money and not being able to afford to do things, buy things etc - but it annoys me that she somehow thinks her position is comparable to mine - yes, babies are expensive so they will have had to make savings somewhere but her and DH are pretty much as they have always been.

I know that I would much rather do what I have done and make the sacrifices to be able to go part-time and spend 2 extra days with my DS but am I unreasonable to what to tell her to stop moaning and think herself lucky???

Hey Ceebee, I think this is a hard one, I try never to talk about money or lack of with my friends as it is so hard to know what position people are in. I gave up my job when DD was born and my DH earns less than I did, so we really are on what I think is the breadline, however, to some people I could be living on a queen's ransom!

As you won't know (I assum) how much she is paid and what her mortgage/rent/misc bills are then I reckon for friendship sake you just assume she is in same position as you and moan together!

i think some people have a different idea of what being skint actually is.. for example my sister... so 'skint' that she can't afford to pay nursery fees or buy dad the retirement pressie we've been talking about for ages... yet she has somehow managed to afford a ps3.

diffeent people different priorities!!

That is a good point - my friend has recently spent a fortune on some professional photographs of her DS - yet still complains about having no money whereas me and DH are wondering how we are going to afford a new car seat for DS when he has to move from his rear-facing one into a front-facing one.

I guess it is all relative.

God those photos! I wish I could afford them, I just sat DD in front of a white curtain and did it myself!

I meant to say, I don't think you are being unreasonable to be a bit narked about it, but definately don't ever say anything as you may find yourself with one less friend!

Well, until you experience the full horror of childcare costs, you simply don't know what real poverty is like!!

I have the opposite problem, with a friend who likes to brag how much more money they have. Her latest was to tell me about a holiday at Centre Parcs. She asked if I'd been on one and I said it wasn't really my type. She said "oh, it's very expensive, you know, not for everyone".

Cristina - how bitchy of her!! Don't you just love friends like that....

Different people have different priorities though, and if you?re used to living a certain lifestyle, then it can be hard to have to make sacrifices when a baby comes along.

In order to maintain her lifestyle, she?s had to sacrifice spending five days a week with her child so she could go back to work. It?s possible she wants to tell you how lucky you are that you can afford to only work three days a week iyswim.

No not unreasonable but pointless as someone said being skint is all relative. I'm sure loads of people think I must be well off - well job, nice house etc but they don't take into account childcare and mortgage costs which clean me out every month and holidays are a thing of the past.

Best to vent on here, and smile nicely when she compares you - I am in a similar position with a friend whose ex-H pays her sones private school fees plus enough maintenance to cover her mortgage and she gets paid more than me and her childcare costs are minimal. Still, she means well when she tries to identify with me and how skint I am.

Ceebee74 - that's what my DH thinks too and doesn't understand why I put up with her (she's been my friend for 7.5 years now). I just honestly don't think she realises it, or at least I hope so. Another great one was when I told her I was looking for jobs in Geneva. She was genuinely surprised "What? Would you move abroad? I'd never do that. But then I DO have a nice house..." A few months later she told me her DH was looking for jobs, and nowhere else than Geneva. And I was stupid enough to forget to remind her of her earlier stance on the subject!

I dont think you are unreasonable to FEEL like that - you would be unreasonable though if you said anything to her!

Bite your tongue and change the subject she will soon get the message that you are not interested.

oh Fio I am so grateful
We owned our own house(2 bed terrace) dd cam along with severe cp. house couldn't be adapted due to it's design so we were given A HA house,( Disabled access)
Yes we are gratefull as some people have to wait years and we only had to wait 1.
so grateful because we now live in a HA house so people can now judge us and look down on us.

Do you think she could be joining in with your moaning as a kind of shared interest thing? I sometimes moan when i'm with people who are moaning in case they think I'm boringly problem free iykwim and thus can't relate to their moaning.

guess who just posted on the wrong thread

2shoes

Ceebee - I think you need to tred carefully here. DH and I both work (I work 28hrs a week, he works 37.5) but have no childcare costs. However, we are still skint.......we debts which we are currently paying off, and DC3 on the way in not too many weeks.

From the "outside" it probably looks like we're doing ok - quite a nice house, brand new washing machine delivered today, etc etc - but infact we're only tredding water some months.

oh well felt better for having a moan

She just like my SIL and BIL, but as some people have said some people idea of being skint are different.

As you say my idea od being skint is not being able to afford what we need, their idea of being skint not being able to afford what they want.

whatever people have they always moan because no one ever believes they have enough

thats not always true - I was well aware that I was better off than some of my friends before IVF/adoption/house/child care and wouldn't have dreamed of complaining to them about being hard up.

My rich sister never tries to identify wiht me about being skint. Some people will always moan, some will never moan and some are trying to identify/commiserate with you when they sound like they're complaining.

and I should add that I'm not seriously skint in the way some people are, just to left overs for luxuries like holidays but I can afford to run a decent car and shop in M&S (very) occasionally (using M&S &more vouchers earned on my credit card)

just no left overs