AIBU to ask if you felt ready to have a baby when you did?
Tooslowchickenmarengo · 21/07/2017 13:51
I'm nine weeks pregnant and I found out just over a month ago. It's brilliant news, baby very much wanted and will be loved within an inch of its life but I'm having a total wtf moment – I don't feel ready for this at all. I wouldn't change this for the world, but I feel like I'm doing a crap job already. Of the people that know (v. close friends and family), they keep asking questions and offering advice on pregnancy and labour and raising a child and I'm silently sitting there, bricking it, realising I know absolutely nothing, feeling ridiculously underprepared and worrying I'm going to be a crap mum.
DP and I just bought our first home in May which was a long drawn out, stressful process so we're still in the process of getting everything how we want it, yet there's going to be this tiny little being in our lives in February, totally dependent on us, meanwhile we still haven't even got round to buying a wardrobe in 2.5 months. It's a really stupid thing to say as I knew this before I became pregnant but I've just realised that absolutely everything is going to change and I feel massively unprepared.
Is this wtf revelation normal or do I just need to pull up my big girl pants?
gandalfspants · 21/07/2017 14:01
Totally normal (DD was very planned but I was still bricking it), but also pull up your big girl pants, because you'll feel better about it all once you have!
Do your research - decide what you need, make lists, set time aside to get stuff done. But try not to worry too much, and remember that if you suddenly realise you need something last minute you can get online same day delivery on loads of stuff on sites like Amazon.
Sexykittenhells · 21/07/2017 14:05
I'm guessing the pregnancy wasn't planned? Same happened to me! I was very "unmumsy" and didn't feel ready and did not have a single clue! But somehow you just pick it up and the instincts you have for your baby us ridiculous! You just somehow know what they want. My DH can't believe how gooey i am with our DD as I really wasnt like that before. DON'T PANIC Take each day of pregnancy as it comes, listen to your body, don't think too far ahead. Let everyone buy you whatever they want and just work out later what things you prefer using and you'll soon know when something is missing and be ordering things with amazon prime next day delivery
Main things are to relax enjoy and don't worry
NiceCuppaTeaAndASitDown · 21/07/2017 14:28
Welcome to the 'oh my god what did we do?!' Club!
I'm 22 weeks pregnant and still bricking it.
Haven't even got around to writing a list of what we need, it's all just panic.
But there's going to be a baby here by Christmas and somehow we'll make it work.
I'm a responsible, married, home owning, full time working woman of 29. There are people out there having kids in far worse circumstances, I just need to remember that!
allthecheese · 21/07/2017 14:35
Ahhh yay a fellow panicker! I am 15 weeks and am terrified. People keep assuming that we must be so happy and excited...I'm sure we are, but at the moment it is just under layers of worry and panic and wondering whether I can do this, and dreams that I leave the baby when there is a terrorist attack. Loads of rationale thoughts like that!
We are buying our first house at the moment so are definitely a few steps behind you in being prepared! Also, I didn't research food properly and had a medium rare steak last week. I am so worried about what I have done to the baby.
Laiste · 21/07/2017 14:49
My best advice to anyone panicing about becoming a mum for the first time is this:
Know that some of the best moments of your life are to come, and know that some of the hardest moments of your life are to come. These moments can be seconds or hours apart and will switch around daily.
Prepare for your new baby to push you to the limits of what you can endure - and then push you a bit further :)
Throw all preconceived ideas about it will be out of the window. It will be different. It will be your unique experience and you can't find out what it will be like till you're in the thick of it.
Prepare for an emotional and physical roller-coaster.
Prepare for the whole world and his wife to have an opinion on what you should be doing, but that ultimately YOU will know best and becoming a parent is all about learning to trust yourself.
Know that everyday in a house near you brand new parents are going through exactly the same trials and tribulations as you are about to and ... drum roll .... they are living to tell the tale!
Argeles · 21/07/2017 15:00
I was so similar to you op.
I think it's the total fear of the 'unknown' that caused me to feel so apprehensive. I could not gauge at all what the sensation and pain of giving birth would be like, and I was really scared that my DH and I would really change.
It may sound shallow, but I enjoy dressing nicely and following fashion trends, as well as applying make up and trying to make the most out of my hair. I was scared that I'd become a Mum and suddenly have no time for my appearance.
In the first few days after giving birth, I forced myself to do everything as normal, and to take my first clothes shopping trip with my DD when she was 5 days old, and I was no longer walking like John Wayne! Shop workers and customers in the café we visited complimented me on how well I looked, and were swooning all over my DD, which was a totally massive confidence boost for me.
People want to talk about the baby and your health and pregnancy constantly. It's well meaning of them, but I couldn't stand it all the time. I wanted to shout at them to just talk shit with me. Tell me a funny story, or ask me what I'm doing at the weekend. You may be pregnant, or a Mum, but you are still you and want to be treated as such.
RumpledStiltskin · 21/07/2017 15:06
Someone once suggested to me that the panic is a sign you'll be fine. You understand it's a huge deal, you desperately want to do it well, and are smart enough to know there's a whole heap of conflicting advice and not so many straightforward or definitive answers. The people who haven't the nous to be at least a bit daunted, or think they know everything are the ones more likely to 'go wrong'. You'll be grand!
peachgreen · 21/07/2017 15:55
My baby was very much planned, longed-for, tried for over 2 years etc etc - and I still don't feel ready! Totally normal.
if it helps I'm due in January and we won't move into our first house (renting at the mo) until October. And definitely won't have a wardrobe!
Beachbaby2017 · 21/07/2017 16:04
My unscientific theory is that this is part of why pregnancy is as long as it is. You have many weeks to go and I think that there's a good chance that as time passes, you'll feel more and more ready. One way that I've kept my overwhelm and anxiety in check is by telling myself I don't need to have everything ready right away. So in the early weeks, I just focused on getting used to the idea at all and setting up prenatal care. I told myself I wouldn't worry about all the details of infant care until the prenatal classes later on, etc., etc.
It is still totally overwhelming and we're really busy trying to everything set up (we moved too). But as the baby gets bigger and you become more visibly pregnant, it becomes more real and you kind of adjust as it goes on. I enjoyed that in the beginning, nobody knew and I could just get used to the idea with my partner. Now it's much more public, but I've had all this time to process it and slowly get ready.
shatteredmama · 22/07/2017 09:23
I was ready emotionally, but not practically (house etc,) but then I wonder if anyone is ever 100% ready. I once heard a great quote "Having a baby is like getting into a pub fight, you're never quite prepared for it, but when it comes down to it, you just do what you gotta do".
LimesAndCoconuts · 22/07/2017 09:35
I read all the books to get genned up, grilled the nurse at the surgery about being pregnant (for about 3/4 hour, how she did not throw me out ). Never held a baby since I was 6 years old. Zilch experience. Baby born...came to changing first nappy. I had to ring the buzzer and ask a midwife how to do it .
Yep feeling/being under-prepared is normal. You soon pick it up!
BottleBeach · 22/07/2017 09:45
I was so looking forward to being a mum. I waited for 2 years until my DP agreed he was ready to go for it. Then a year of panicking about my fertility because my periods didn't come back when I stopped taking the pill. I found out I was pregnant at the fertility clinic where I was about to start taking chlomid. The nurse did a quick test 'just to make sure' and I was so shocked it was positive.
I spent the next couple of weeks having a complete whitey. I couldn't get my head around the fact it had actually happened, and now there was no backing out! It was like that moment on a rollercoaster where you've spent an hour queuing up and then as soon as you get strapped in and it starts moving, a bit of you shouts 'Shit! What have I done?! Stop- I want to get off!' But you have to just go with it, and it's fun, and frightening, and exhilarating and makes you feel a bit sick.
May have got carried away with the rollercoaster analogy there, but you get the idea!
Pennywhistle · 22/07/2017 09:55
I was absolutely ready to have a baby - it took us a long time to conceive.
But panicking is completely normal! Having to reorganise your home is normal. Worrying that you don't know what you are doing is very, very normal!
Get some baby books out of the library. Take a deep breath and make a list of what you need.
It will be fine, you'll be great!
haveacupoftea · 22/07/2017 10:14
You'll be fine. I found the thought of having a baby very scary because people kept saying things like 'you just don't understand til you're a parent', 'it's like love you've never felt before', 'oh good luck with the newborn weeks, brace yourself!' Etc and it all makes you think wtf am I letting myself in for?!
My baby is 9 weeks old now and I wonder what those people were on about. I love my baby, yes I love him more than anyone ever but is not like love is a new sensation. That part isn't scary.
It's a bit tiring at the start getting used to waking up at 2am to feed the baby, and he does like to cling to me meaning I don't get much time to clean (oh no!) but you've been tired before right? It's just like that. And your body adjusts.
For me life is the same as it always was except I don't have to go to work anymore and I have a little person to cuddle. It's fab really! Couldn't be better. You'll love it. You won't lose yourself. You won't become a different person, if you don't want to. You can be you, and a mum.
If you're not on the mumsnet ante natal group for your due date you should join it. My bus has a great Facebook page and we have all supported each other through pregnancy, birth and now parenthood.
n0ne · 22/07/2017 10:31
Totally normal. Do do research, there's plenty of resources nowadays (too much, tbh!) and def invest in some antenatal classes, but otherwise you'll work it out! Everybody else does And sometimes you'll do it wrong, but most of the time you'll do it right and your confidence will grow. It's a journey, constantly changing. You'll really learn what you're made of! Good luck
Amee1992x · 22/07/2017 10:41
Oh no wasn't ready at all, have been with my partner since we were 15 but it just wasn't something we thought we'd do. I was 20, going to college to be a beauty therapist! To which I have my own salon now, I never thought I'd be mumsy or look like a mum. But my DS is the best thing that ever happend to both of us, we are still together, successful, married! Had a still born DD last summer, expecting twins now and I couldn't be more ready for them. There's nothing I love more than being Laytons mum ❤️❤️!
missymayhemsmum · 22/07/2017 11:25
Totally unprepared for any of them. So is everyone. The only difference was that with dd1 at 22 I was on a cloud of hormonally driven confidence while with dd2 at 39 I knew what motherhood involved and felt I couldn't face it right up until she was born.
The whole point of pregnancy is you have a few months to get your head around it.
Over the next 7 months read a couple of books, book into some ante-natal classes, line up some helpful mums and aunties, somewhere for baby to sleep and some clothes and you are ready. It's way easier than moving house, honestly.
IJustLostTheGame · 22/07/2017 12:00
I was 32 and did not feel ready.
We'd wanted a baby for 2 years.
We'd planned everything.
We'd sorted out everything; house in catchment area, saved enough money to be a sahm for a few years etc.
And yet when it happened and I was looking at those 2 pink lines I felt cold and numb and then horrified and WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE????? I'm not ready! I can't do this! I can't even keep a fucking spider plant alive.
I have however coped, enjoyed most of it and kept my dd alive and healthy.
You will be OK.
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