AIBU to ask if you felt ready to have a baby when you did?

[Tooslowchickenmarengo]

I'm nine weeks pregnant and I found out just over a month ago. It's brilliant news, baby very much wanted and will be loved within an inch of its life but I'm having a total wtf moment – I don't feel ready for this at all. I wouldn't change this for the world, but I feel like I'm doing a crap job already. Of the people that know (v. close friends and family), they keep asking questions and offering advice on pregnancy and labour and raising a child and I'm silently sitting there, bricking it, realising I know absolutely nothing, feeling ridiculously underprepared and worrying I'm going to be a crap mum.

DP and I just bought our first home in May which was a long drawn out, stressful process so we're still in the process of getting everything how we want it, yet there's going to be this tiny little being in our lives in February, totally dependent on us, meanwhile we still haven't even got round to buying a wardrobe in 2.5 months. It's a really stupid thing to say as I knew this before I became pregnant but I've just realised that absolutely everything is going to change and I feel massively unprepared.

Is this wtf revelation normal or do I just need to pull up my big girl pants?

Try not to worry - you've got plenty of time. if you're worried about the house being ready, make a to-do list of the essentials that you need to get done before baby comes (we moved to a new town about at 20 weeks pg so had to be quite "focussed" on what we really HAD to get sorted!). There is quite a useful kit-list on MN of essential baby stuff - but don't go too crazy - we bought all the bottles, big microwave steriliser, blankets... but DD wouldn't take a bottle and we were given loads of blankets. As someone else said, you can get stuff online pretty quickly (or Tescos...). If you're worried about the practical stuff, ask your midwife about local parenting/ childbirth classes. TBH nothing can prepare you for the emotional side of becoming a parent, but there are things you can do in the next 31 weeks to prepare for the practical stuff. And of course, congratulations!!!

The fact that you're thinking this through so much says - very strongly to me - that you want to do your best for DBaby.

The fact is, you're creating this little one: s/he is made for you to look after. They've been a part of you since you were inside your own mother. Though your DC will be loved and nurtured by so many people, there's no one else who has that exact connection. The instincts and cues you'll pick up from your baby are multitude; each is astonishing and thrilling to experience. It kind of makes up for the sleepless nights! It's such an overwhelming and exciting time: I wish you all the best.

Now I've gone and made myself broody.

I'm 16 weeks and usually am a total planner, but am weird img myself out by not doing my usual obsessive research and prep. On one side there's probably a certain amount of holding back because I'm afraid that after all this, there's always a chance that there won't be a baby. It's rare but I have friends who've had that experience and even just knowing such a thing can happen has affected my approach I think.

The other is that I don't want to set certain expectations for the experience, and then not be able to adjust. I'd love it if I can focus on a way to reduce the shock of being a new parent, without getting attached to an idea of parenthood that may not be the reality for me!

I've just picked up a copy of the wonder weeks, which is helping. I haven't been around babies in any substantial way in a very long time, and tbh other people's babies are nice but I'm happy to hand them back. Kids, I get. Babies, less so. I'm finding it helpful to learn about what's happening for the baby developmentally so I can think about what kind of care will be needed. The first chapter on newborns is basically 'comfort and hold the baby'. Yes, I can do that!

Maybe not getting over invested in baby prep is a way of conserving my identity too. Lots of people saying 'you'll be a fantastic mum' which is nice for self confidence but I also am not sure what kind of mum I will be! I am trying to be ready to be accepting of what happens, and be ready to accept whatever feelings I have. I am terrible for thinking I 'should' be doing or thinking things and I don't think it's very helpful so I'm trying to avoid that. I hope the upshot isn't that I'm woefully underprepared!

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and it's not my first, I have already been through the newborn stage and I tell myself not to worry but I'm still so scared and wonder how I'm going to cope, I think it's a normal response to something life changing. Ignore all the advice your given however well intended, your baby your decision and no two babies are the same x

To be honest, three kids later, I never stop having those moments.

You go from being your own person - yes you have a DH, but he's an adult - to suddenly being someone in charge of other people. People who are made from you. I regularly look at the kids and think WTF, I am not old enough for this shit (late 30s, technically I'm definitely old enough for this shit!).

I do wonder if it's worse if you're older and totally prepared. Because you have planned, and been in control, and your just so used to thinking I want this and if I do A, B, and C it will happen. Then you have a baby and all you want is sleep to make your babies happy and that is so vague, you just have to chuck good intentions at them and see what sticks.

It's great though. You just have to try and relax into it as much as you can. Having a baby is bloody amazing, good luck OP

My oldest is 9 and I still don't feel ready! We are all learning as we go.

I didn't really plan DS, just didn't renew my pill prescription and thought sure, if it happens, it happens. I didn't much enjoy pregnancy and I remember meeting two friends who had both recently had kids when I was about 35 weeks. I was so alarmed by it! All they did was to hammer unsought advice at me from two sides simultaneously - I had thought we were meeting for a catch-up! I couldn't believe what had happened to these two people who used to be fun. If this was motherhood, I was sorry!
I would say that while I was obediently taking vitamins and buying little clothes, I didn't really think of the baby as a longed-for child until at 38 weeks he stopped moving and I rushed into hospital.
All was well, thankfully, and I did fall in love at his birth and am twice as much in love now.

I'm 39 weeks and not ready at all.
Everyone tells me you're never really ready though and it'll just come naturally.
Bloody hope so!

We are all just making it up as we go along.

Well we were in the middle of house hunting when getting unexpectedly pregnant and only exchanged a month before due date to move into a house that needed a LOT of work doing, so no we weren't exactly ready haha... that said we did know we both wanted children and I had felt broody for a while so it wasn't an unwelcome surprise.

I read tons of online guides, forums and reviews on baby-related stuff, so tbh I felt fairly well prepared, HOWEVER ever since baby was born and 2 years on I learn every day that I know nothing Jon Snow

I was absolutely 100% ready to have a baby, i was totally unprepared for a 1 year old + 12 months down the line.

Nothing comes close to the shock of parenthood but i guess it can hit a different times.

I felt ready, very ready. I'd read everything, debated choices with DH, had colour coded spreadsheets on all kinds of topics, from baby first aid, shopping lists, foods to try for weaning, to sleep schedules and potty training; I'd made or purchased exactly what we needed and DH had trusted me totally.

Then DS actually turned up and all that was turned on its head. He hadn't read any of the books and totally ignored my spreadsheets, so lots of what I'd planned didn't work. Amazon Prime was our friend during that time. We still enjoyed having him though.

If you don't feel ready, it'll be so much more what you're expecting that you'll be much better prepared than I was.

I still don't feel ready, and mine are 9 and 11! I'm amazed and thrilled that I've managed to keep them alive this long, and haven't accidentally left them in a pub or shoe shop. I'm amazed that they are gorgeous, happy, loving children, and I'm amazed that they achieve things I could never have dreamed of. I'm amazed that I had to buy my 11yo a new uniform for secondary school, and I got to enjoy the moment when she tried on her new blazer that has arms that come way past the tips of her fingers. I also know that by the end of the year, those sleeves will be up past her wrists.

We're never really ready, but it happens anyway, and its an honour and a privilege, to watch these people that you created, form and develop into something you probably didn't expect, but is no less precious.

I think it's completely normal, don't worry. I had the same feeling in the early weeks of a much wanted pregnancy and then again a couple days after my baby was born when baby blues set in. But it did go away both times.

However, if you ever feel like you can't cope, tell someone who you love and trust and get some support. It is BONKERS being pregnant and then having a baby.

It's good you are feeling like this.

I was 23 and a totally naive pregnant young lady. Thought it would be fine, was so in love with my husband and thought I would just have a baby and carry on with life. HAH. I had such a shock and really struggled for at least a year. He's 5 now and I do still struggle a lot with being a parent.

You sound much more connected to reality than I was so hopefully you won't have that big horrible crash down to earth like I did.

Due just before you and feeling very similar - so I hope it's normal! Good luck!
x

Totally normal. I found the easiest way of coping with it for me was only thinking a few weeks down the line - for example, "today I'm 9 weeks pregnant, I feel sick as a dog and exhausted but the first scan is only a few weeks away" rather than focusing on the labour, etc.

It did mean I had to tell a few people some more politely than others to STFU when they started telling me dramatic stories about their cousin's sister-in-law's third cousin once removed who had the 124 hour labour from hell but, you know, that's not always a bad thing.

I also found it helped to focus on something "fun" - for us, that was starting name lists and good-natured bickering about each ither's suggestions. For you, it might be nursery ideas on Pinterest or
browsing maternity clothes. But that definitely helped me with the "oh fuck"-ness side of it.

New house, new baby, we were the same (same months too! House bought may ds born in Feb). Had a few WTF moments, but once you progress in your pregnancy it sinks in, then you get the WTF when you go into/are in labour, then WTF when you bring your tiny newborn home. Take one day at a time till you get into the swing of it.

I also found it helped to focus on something "fun"

I think this is a great suggestion. I realize now that I've been doing this with clothes. Once I felt more secure in the pregnancy (~20 weeks?), I started second hand shopping for baby clothes and only bought things that I really loved. So it wasn't to-do listy at all, just fun, and cooing over the adorable little clothes has helped me prepare in some way, I think.

Despite DS being 4 years in the making and lots of fertility treatment, so very much planned, I might not have done the WTF at the lines on the test (as it was a blood test and I made him call DH), I certainly didn't feel or get ready during pregnancy. I didn't believe it (had had mc on the way) so I refused to go house hunting til 20 weeks. We bought at about 30-ish and sold my flat at 38-weeks. We moved when DS was six weeks, we camped with hand-me-down pram/cot etc for those few weeks. We bought at changing second hand table at 38-weeks. He was thankfully a little late, so I did manage to get some nappies and other absolute essentials in. He's three now, a lovely boy and we seem to be doing ok on the parenting lark...